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General :
Wife’s affair trying to Reconcile and need advice.


Confused282 ( new member #79680) posted at 4:52 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

God I’m so sorry. But other comments like "it will take time for my love to come back" shows she is still in contact. Women do not grow love they transfer love.

You need to understand that she is not your wife right now. And this is so hard because you love her and don't want to hurt her or your family. But she is your enemy. She sees you that way.

You need to understand that logic can never defeat feelings.

Also you need to understand that you are a big reason her feelings are intense. The lies and deception feed the affair. It makes those stolen moments more intense. Fear and anxiety can heighten a woman’s attraction. You are now an obstacle standing in the way of her happiness. That dynamic needs to change immediately.

You also need to understand that the advise on here may lead to divorce. Nothing is 100%. But you being passive will still likely lead to divorce or you just being a paycheck and babysitter while she openly continues to cheat on you. If you do nothing it will get worse.

Talk to a lawyer immediately. You need to be ready. The common advise is to shop around and talk to 3 lawyers and compare their advise. We don’t know the nuisances. You need to do this before you make any big moves. Don’t leave the house before you talk to a lawyer. At the minimum it will give you a clearer picture of what to expect. That needs to be done immediately. That and find the wife are 1 and 2. Do not tell your wife you are doing it.

Find the wife immediately. If you have to show up at her house with all your evidence that’s what you have to do. On a side note you need to be taking screen shots of all evidence and saving it. Make sure to send it to hidden safe locations.

If you have to look into hiring a PI to find her and give her the information so be it.

This is a good example of something that may not work as expected 100%. She could tell you to F&$k off but at a minimum it will alert her and she will be watching him more closely.

It may make him drop her which will knock her head out of the fog and back to reality.

Expose her to all her friends and family that have influence over her. Be nice about it and just the facts. "I’d like to save our marriage and family but she is cheating on me and will not stop" "I have no choice but to take action" again they may take her side but very likely until divorce they may try and talk sense into her. Bringing the dark secrets into the light is the best way to kill the secret fantasy feeling of the affair.

You have to move forward. If she does not want a divorce. Then there are things she has to do now that are not optional.

If she wants to save the marriage the job is over immediately. No more games. She is still in contact with him at work. If she is still talking to him at home then she is def talking to him at work. If she needs 2 weeks maybe but she had better answer face time 24/7 at all times. You do not need to prove any more that she’s cheating she needs to prove she is not still cheating. Remember that.

She does not need to cut back the social media. She needs a new phone and new phone number. This is not optional. No downloading or using of social media for a long time. Open phone and passwords. Also make sure it is an I Phone. That way she cannot hide what she downloads.

She is not safe right now and you cannot trust her in any way shape or form. Don’t let her manipulate you. Don’t negotiate. Depending where she is at she may divorce you and try to make her transition as smooth for her as possible. Don’t let her. She is all in or all out.

You can say that to her. All in or all out.

Also this was more than one time sex. If I were a betting man you started noticing changes the first time she had sex. The affair started before that. When she started having sex with him her feelings really started transferring to him. Then you noticed.

As for a time line it’s not a one time all knowing document. It may require multiple drafts. You can ask any question you like.

What needs to be in it is every detail about the affair (maybe not the sexual details as too specific and they may stick in your head) that’s up to you how much you want to know. But the first date, first hug, first kiss, sex times, all the talking all the lying. She needs to write it our chronologically.

Example. We were talking, then 3 months ago he kissed at work. Then we talked every night while at home. Then a week later we made out in the parking lot. Then I told you I was going out with sally but I went to a hotel and had sex. Then we texted more and sent each other nudes. Then next week I went to his house when I was staying late for work.

A literal chronological timeline of every action and every lie she told you. When, where, why and how. Then you read it, question it and send it back for updates. She needs to write it out so she can see in real time how terrible she was.

Talk to a lawyer take care of your self. It’s time to hunker down.

Look at her comment about kicking her out. Even she told you your too nice. What she did is unforgivable and she needs to move mountains to save it. But she has to make that happen not you. All you can do is move forward and if she puts in effort stop and let her hop on willingly.

I’m so sorry for this. You did not deserve this.
Please see a lawyer and take care of yourself.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8748054

Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 5:12 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Sorry that you are here DevastatedDad, but I echo the sentiments of many here.

1. Get to an attorney(s) and have your wife served with divorce papers as soon as possible. Take all the steps to protect you and the rest of your family from her as soon as you possibly can. Read up on the 180 and implement it now. No more doing anything for her. If you cook dinner for the whole family, she is welcome to help herself to it, but don't make her any special meals, don't wash or fold her laundry, etc. From this point forward, she is a roommate who is responsible for her own shit. If she throws some dirty dishes in the sink while you are washing them, set them aside and leave them there for her to wash, if she is a big enough girl to have an affair, she can figure out how to wash some dirty dishes. Right now she has two men pining after her and it feels great, we call that cake eating.

2. Simultaneously, get ahold of this guy's wife. She deserves to know what is going on in her life and make a decision about her future based on reality and truth. Right now she is living a lie and she doesn't have a clue. The sooner you do this the better as she deserves to have agency over her life.

If you implement both of these two suggestions, she may go from having two men wanting her to zero in a New York Minute. Highly likely that when her AP finds out that you are leaving her ass for her affair that she will run to him and it is even more likely that he will drop her as soon as his wife finds out as leaps into damage control mode. At that point, you can sit back and assess your WW and determine whether or not she is reconciliation material. Those of us around here can try to help you with that as well. Your goal should be to get out of infidelity either through a divorce or reconciliation, but unfortunately at the moment she is still deep in the throes of her affair and so that puts the onus on you to make the tough moves to get yourself out.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 237   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8748055

NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 6:54 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

She almost surely sent him a private message,before that group text,letting him know it was coming,and to ignore it.

I agree and it should be easy to establish an accurate narrative around this:

Get mobile phone records of calls and text messages. With my mobile service provider I can view, not the details of a text, but a log that a text was sent/received along with the associated number. You have a timestamp on the group text she sent to the two of you. Use that timestamp as a baseline for if she communicated with him via a call or text prior to that and exactly when. This will also show you if she's contacted him since.

If you can gather this information without her knowledge (some providers may have dual authentication protocols which could result in her being made aware that someone is logging into her acct.), do so prior to speaking with her about it. At that point you can ask her if she had communicated with him at all prior to or after that NC (no contact) group message.

The point is not to have a "GOTCHA!!" moment (this is unfortunately a big part of a BS's typical playbook...urgh, ask me how I know...). The purpose is to get a window into her heart condition, which you can't trust that she'd otherwise share in an honest way with you. If you can verify that she's continuing to deceive you it's a pretty big red flag for you. But it's also to know if she's still in contact with him as well as knowing where she currently has you in her hierarchy of men.

I recommend that you immediately contact her service provider and get a printed log of everything they have going back as far as possible. If you aren't an authorized user on her acct and can't do it without her approval then you should make it a non-negotiable matter that she immediately have you made into an authorized user and/or immediately request that data. Do not accept no from her. Do not leave a window of time between demanding it and being present when it's done. Do not trust her. After so long, those records become unavailable. Back when my wife began to disclose some of her history I really wish I had done this immediately. I waited too long and lost the ability to verify the earlier months' information empirically. Now, even if she's honest with me I can't really know because so much TT occurred. I've lost a lot of sleep over the years not knowing certain things that I had the ability to verify. Instead, I was naive and viewed her through an altruistic lens that she took advantage of.

I'm sorry you're here buddy.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 6:58 PM, Tuesday, August 2nd]

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 343   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8748066

MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 2:24 AM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

There may have been a few but I don't recall seeing a WW ask to be thrown out of the house. Sounds like a perfect plan for her to go off and bang her BF for a couple weeks.

With 3 pieces of information you can find the OBS online in about 20 minutes. Don't waste time going thru her mother or sending a registered letter. But you could try the old are you XXX mother? I am an old friend/co worker/classmate

and I would love to catch up, here's my FB info...

You need to Grey rock her and file for D as the affair has not stopped. At any time you can stop the the D from proceeding but It will empower you to take some charge of this situation

She will not be crawling back to you, She already chose to leave you.

The thing is you will not be successful begging her to come back.

Does her work know she is screwing a client? That usually is frowned upon....

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 6:44 AM, Friday, August 5th]

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

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id 8748099

HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:35 AM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

DevDad, sorry you find yourself here.

Unhinged wrote

Devastatedhusband, it seems to me, from what you've written, that your WW is on the fence, unable to decide if she wants her husband or her boyfriend (and it's entirely possible she wants to keep both).

If you think of it as standing with a foot on the boat and a foot on the pier, nothing brings rapidly clarity to their cheating noggin like pulling the boat away from the pier. They decide real fast.

Pull the boat from the pier. Pursue a divorce with all possible haste, as long as she is not the person you want to be married to. Any talk like "I need time to heal" or "I still miss him a little" means you put the motor in FWD and go.

A divorce can be stopped at any second, zero problems. It will give her the clarity she needs to decide if she is in or out (sounds like she is out, frankly).

It will also put you on the fence, which is where you want to be. You want to be in the situation where staying married is just as easy as getting divorced, and the only deciding factor is what you want. Choice. Give yourself that choice.

Even if she does everything absolutely perfectly, you will probably divorce. Those are the odds, my friend.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2843   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8748103

SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 2:07 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

I am going to talk to an attorney today about how best to protect myself. I am also going to contact omw.

Hi OP. This is the start of what you need to do.

You've got a wife half-assing a reconciliation, still talking to the OM. Your marriage as you once knew it is over. Let me repeat that, that old marriage is over. She digs this other guy as much or even more than you.

A marriage with two men in it is no marriage.

I know it's really harsh advice you've been getting, people here are trying to help you. You can't nice your way out of this.

Don't half ass your response to her indifference and cheating. I'll repeat what others have said. Hand her divorce papers, inform the other spouse. Start doing the 180 with your wife. She's dating another man mate, ignore her and move on. Mean it.

This can do 2 things for you... get your self worth and self confidence back and moving forward.

And, this sometimes shocks the wife into asking 'what the hell am I doing? I'm going to lose my husband!'

Doesn't always work, but I don't think you have any other moves. Line in the sand time mate.

You asked how you can your wife to crawl over broken glass to save the marriage. This ^ is how. If she doesn't move towards you after showing her you're moving on, your marriage was over anyways.

p.s. one other thing to tell her, if she digs this other guy so much, she should go be with him. You're not going to stand in her way, going to make her happy. Tell her to go, get. Your life is going to better off without her.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 5:47 AM, Thursday, August 4th]

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id 8748128

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:52 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Not proud I had to say this to my H but it was a game changer on Dday2.

Here’s how it went: (me). I am D you. I’m
Sorry it has come to this but I have no other choice. You are free to go and be with the OW or anyone else you choose.

And I left the room.

No yelling. No fighting. No throwing things. No slapping him. Calm cool and well planned.

That was the day I took my power back.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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id 8748137

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 5:24 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

I have this anecdote that sort-of describes how your mentality needs to be:

Imagine you have a serious disease. Some mysterious illness that is curable, but only in one place by one doctor or hospital. If it isn’t dealt with it will result in a miserable life, maybe even death. The treatment center is at another city that is only accessible by train and is a long, hard journey away.
You tell your wife of the illness and the cure. Of the necessity to take this journey. She might show interest or she might think there isn’t really anything wrong, or anything that needs to be done. Or she might be enthusiastic and ask to join along.
You go online and find a ticket two days from now. You offer your wife to come along and to pay for her ticket. She refuses. You might still buy two, but you definitely buy at least one ticket.
For the next two days you talk about how you need to make this journey to live a good life – to survive. You repeatedly ask her to come, and she doesn’t commit.
Come the day of travel she agrees to drive you to the station. You pack your bag and maybe even pack a bag for her. On the drive you again ask her to come and again she either refuses or doesn’t commit. At the station she agrees to follow you to the platform but neither agrees to come along nor commit. You tell her you already have a ticket for her, and she can come along. She refuses – or does not commit.
You go on the train. You stand in the doorway before the doors are closed and again ask her to come along. Again she refuses. The door closes and the train pulls out. For maybe ten seconds she has a chance of jumping on board – she doesn’t. She hasn’t committed, she hasn’t agreed to take the journey to healing with you.
You however, are on that train.

The journey you need to survive is the journey out of infidelity.
Too often we new BS thing our destination is to divorce or to reconcile. Our destination should be out of infidelity, to end the condition where our spouse isn’t following the expectations of fidelity and we are therefore not capable of living the marriage we all deserve.
We can decide to divorce. That is the only option that is totally 100% in our hands. You don’t need your spouses acceptance or agreement to divorce, you just file and the process takes place no matter what the spouse wants.
We can want to reconcile, but to do that there are several key elements that need to be in place. The first is that the affair needs to be over. Like total NC, total disclosure, total honesty… Then BOTH parties need to commit to reconciliation. You don’t need to think it can work – you are definitely allowed to have your doubts – but you BOTH need to WANT to reconcile. One-sided reconciliation does NOT exist. You cant reconcile while she’s pining for OM or with OM or is with you conditionally.

Reconciliation is a really tough path, and IMHO a couple that reconciles successfully adapt a relationship pattern where the work in reconciliation is carried on for life. Things like verifiable trust, open finances, honesty… these are things reconciled couples adapt and keep way beyond the infidelity.

What you can do is tell your wife you need out of infidelity – the journey.
There are stages. Like you research the treatment in the story above, then check how to get there, then prepare, then set off, then commit… On these stages there can be times where you guide your wife, then there are times where she pulls you along. The main thing is that you cover each phase together. In the above story – she didn’t follow, yet YOU got out of infidelity.

In the above story you keep the momentum. You checked the schedule, made the reservation, went to the station and got on board. If you want to reconcile you need to do the same. YOU keep the momentum, you keep the pressure. She either keeps up or misses the train.

IMHO I suggest you sort-of let go of the outcome.
Tell her something along these lines:

Wife – I would do a lot to reconcile, and I always envisioned us together forever. However, there are a couple of things I have realized. Number one is that if I really love you and want you to be happy, I won’t stand in your way to happiness. If you think your happiness is with OM then go be with him. It’s not what I want, but even less do I want to think you are not with me by free will, by choice. Another key-factor I have realized is that I don’t share my wife. You are totally 100% free to be with OM all the time. You can date him, live with him, stay in his bed, visit friends with him… BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.

Based on what has been going on I am simply assuming you have chosen to be with him. You have chosen not to be my wife. I am therefore moving on out of infidelity based on that fact. If you don’t agree – if you still want this marriage – you need to tell me so clearly and to show me with actions and commitment that you mean it. I do NOT want to be a compromise!

Then you simply go make a sandwich. No more need to discuss anything.
If she asks what your plans are, then you tell her you made it clear you are moving on based on her having decided to commit to him. She says it’s not true, point out the ongoing contact. Point out her excuses are like a heroin addict claiming to be clean because she only snorts the drug instead of shooting up.
She asks the next steps, well… what is the logical conclusion or termination of a marriage?

She says that she only cheated because you were busy all the time, had bad breath or whatever… "I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then this would be something to address. Since you are committed to your affair and I am committed to getting out of infidelity there isn’t any need to address this".

You move on.
This will lead to either of two situations – both leading out of infidelity.

She MIGHT commit to reconciliation. If she does she needs to be totally open and committed.
Or… It might lead to divorce. If it goes that way… I’m going to claim it would have anyway so all I’m doing is saving you half a year of misery.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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id 8748147

Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

GET HER ATTENTION ASAP, and not with more of the pick me dance.

Bigger's recommendation at the end of his post directly above is focused and beautiful. You can add you've talked to a divorce lawyer to understand options if you want more emphasis. Having her served is more than I would recommend at the moment but it is an option too.

"kick me out for a few weeks" seems like code for "I'd like to sleep with AP a lot more and that would be very convenient". It pisses me off and I don't even know you. Non-violent anger is not a bad thing right now for you, it will spur you to action. Tell that other BS any way you can... it might help end this affair much sooner and bring your WW to her senses

posts: 593   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8748149

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:17 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

You wanted to reconcile, but upon finding out that she saw your pain,she heard your pain,and callously continued to cheat and lie, you said you were seeing an attorney.

Perhaps you no longer want to be with a woman who would be so cruel.

You are/will be inundated with posts telling you how to continue trying to reconcile. The thing don't have to continue to try. You don't have to be with a woman who was willing to jump at the chance to separate, so it would be easier to see her boyfriend.

Regardless, you shouldn't be trying at all. A WS is supposed to do the heavy lifting,at first,and she's still cheating. You have nothing to work with here.

Get tested,tell his wife,and file for divorce. IF she pulls her head out of her ass, you can give her your non negotiable requirements for you to even consider attempting reconciliation. Then you watch her actions.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:19 PM, Wednesday, August 3rd]

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id 8748151

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:43 AM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

You have already confirmed she's still in touch with OM so the A is ongoing, therefore forget about timelines, polygraphs, etc., and just file for D (you can always stop it if she comes around and truly ends the A, or NOT !), she's a proven cheater and liar and you deserve so much better, don't forget to get tested for STDs. Have her served and expose the A with both families and OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse if any) without warning (very important), if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality then nothing will, if not then just let the D run its course and get out of infidelity.

posts: 2611   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8748188

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:06 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

Note the slight but important difference in my advice:
I’m not suggesting you reconcile nor that you divorce.
I’m suggesting you get out of infidelity. If you want to reconcile you can pace yourself so your wife has the option of following, if she doesn’t… well… then reconciling isn’t on the table. If she follows then buying the ticket isn’t enough. She needs to get on that train too.
Irrespective of what SHE does YOU move on – out of infidelity.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8748195

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

Reconciliation is a really tough path, and IMHO a couple that reconciles successfully adapt a relationship pattern where the work in reconciliation is carried on for life. Things like verifiable trust, open finances, honesty… these are things reconciled couples adapt and keep way beyond the infidelity.

Just a note to say, yes and no, based on my experience.

Bigger describes important part of R accurately. We had to be and were completely honest with each other during R. I didn't monitor my W's spending, but she was completely open about it, and I'm open about mine. I don't monitor her email, but I have very easy access to it; she has easy access to mine, too, though not being a techie, she doesn't realize it, no matter how many times I show her smile . I don't monitor her IC, but she signed a release that allows her IC to talk with me. If the IC says we need a joint session to answer a question, the release allows her to bring anything from an IC session into a joint session. (Come to think of it, I haven't signed such a release, but I would if asked).

IMO, when R succeeds, R morphs in M.

The 'no' part is that the hard part was facing, owning, and flushing away our own shit. My W had to face and defeat her demons in order to find the energy to maintain R; I had to do the same.

Healing our M, though, was relatively easy. In facing our own demons, it was usually easy to support each other. We got a lot of positive reinforcement from our proximity to and love for each other, and we both like activities associated with *TMI*, which reinforces healthy bonds between us.

The positive payoffs of facing demons made doing so almost attractive.

BUT - as Bigger and others note, we both were fully committed to staying together. We both wanted to grow old together. The big payoff of an M that was already good (before the A) and that would keep getting better was worth going through the crisis created by the A.

My W was committed to facing her demons from the start of our post-d-day life. She essentially came clean on d-day - I got more details as time went on, but nothing clashed with what she told me on d-day.

She was committed to changing from cheater to good partner no matter what I did. She knew the more demons she sent away, the better off she'd be whether I kicked her out or stayed.

I didn't commit to R until I was as sure as I could be that she was committed. I did not do a pick-me dance - I wanted her to freely choose between ow and me. I knew I'd feel even more awful if she chose ow, but I didn't want her to pine for someone else to stay with me.

YOUR W IS NOT BEHAVING LIKE MINE DID. Your W is simply not a good candidate for R at this point.

Like Bigger, I'm not suggesting you D or R. I am suggesting that you figure out what you want - don't simply take R as default. And if you do want R, look at your W's behavior. If she does what is necessary for R, maybe R is for you. If she has to be dragged into R, maybe it's best to D or to wait.

My reco is NOT to initiate D unless you really mean it. Dealing with your W's infidelity is hard enough. If you bring D into your lives, you will have to focus some on the D, and that takes energy away from dealing with the A.

D is not a good tactic for forcing your WS back into your M. If one of you feels forced into R, you both will have very hard rows to hoe. R works best is it is both partners' freely chosen path.

If you get to the end of your rope and choose D, your WS may wake up to your qualities and choose you. If that happens, you can stop the R. But I urge you not to use R as a tactic. Take a look at, say, The1stWife. D was not a tactic for her - she chose it, and her H won her back. If he hadn't done his work, though, I expect The1stWife would have become a happy divorcee. Probably remarried by now, but that, too, would have been her free choice. smile

R is not the objective after an A. D is not the objective. The best objective, IMO, is to choose the path that is best for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:29 PM, Thursday, August 4th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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id 8748203

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 11:12 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

I am so sorry for your predicament but it truly looks grim. She probably thinks that the OM will choose her over his wife. Just guessing but OMs usually don't do that. You will be plan B when she crawls back. If she doesn't, the marriage was truly dead and there is nothing you can do at this point except take care of yourself, dust yourself off and start anew just like many of us have done.

I'd file and push her to reality. Tell her you decided to knock her off the fence that she is sitting on and she can now go and experience life without you as her safety net. She can go pursue the OM and break up his family. Tell her that. Make sure you have a very serious conversation with the OMS. Also, talk to the POSOM by phone and tell him that he has destroyed a family by his selfish actions.

The divorce filing might wake her up. She will push the OM for a commitment and when he declines, watch out for her crawling back to you. Whether you ultimately decide to stop the divorce is your decision to make. But she has to get it through her head that you are not to be fucked with. She doesn't understand that. She doesn't respect you. Make her respect you. File for divorce and implement the 180. She should be willing to crawl over broken glass to save the marriage. If not, you know the truth and end the charade and years of future pain.

posts: 654   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8748241

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

It would seem you've already had the talk,after dday,about how to proceed,and she said she wanted to stay married. Therefore,asking her again, in light of having found out she took the affair underground, is pointless. She knows what you want. She wanted to keep cheating.

I'm not suggesting you use the action of filing for divorce as a tactic. Or a way to push her into R. I'm saying you should consider it to get out of infidelity. If she decides she doesn't want to divorce, then she can prove that. Which means full exposure,NC, and a willingness to do the hard work.

Right now..she's showing you what she wants. Believe her.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:26 PM, Thursday, August 4th]

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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 3:33 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I agree with Hellfire,

It’s not a bluff, its when you have been jerked around enough and your only option is to D, you should head that direction full steam ahead. My WW didn’t buy my bluff and continued jerking me around. It wasn’t until she knew I was DONE!! That’s when she wanted to get real.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8748265

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:51 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I don’t know you or your wife. I know friends of mine who acted like this and they eventually left their bs. Every woman I know who had an affair left for the AP. I am going a little against the grain although I agree with 1stwife and others. I think you need to file because it is time. Waiting for someone to pick you is so bad for your mental health. You need to be good to yourself. Be clear about your life. Don’t hang on to fairy tales. They aren’t real. If you have to file to get her to love you how strong are her feelings? How would you ever trust her again. My husband cheated out of town. I don’t think there was love involved but he still cheated. I love him but not with the same untainted love. I don’t think that ever returns.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8748270

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 4:15 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Your WW is clearly still in love with the OM.

7 years or so of contact and it only happened once, it's more believable that the affair started 5 or 7 years ago.

I don't know if the OMW lost her son due to drugs or suicide, but if she did your WW may have played a part in destroying that childs family and is in part responsible. Remind her that when you have an affair you destroy the people around your affair partner as well.

The OM has likely told your WW that he has affairs because his W is depressed, when the truth is that his W is depressed because he has affairs and she has suffered for years.

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8748372

asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 8:58 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

Are you still with us DH?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 453   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8748732

 Devastatedhusband (original poster new member #80469) posted at 10:54 PM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

Sorry everyone I am still here. I appreciate all the advice and concern. It has been one hell of a rough week. So I guess I will update everyone on what’s going on and then brace for the truth from y’all.

So it came to a head I left the house middle of the night about a week ago told her I was done and would not be back, and was going to divorce attorney in the morning. She called hysterical begging pleading crying for me to come home. My kids had woke up at this point and were crying and pleading too. So I ended up back at the house to calm everyone down. Wife asked me to promise her I would not go to lawyer the next day to which I agreed. She slept all night that night holding onto me which she has never done. The next day I asked her to write me a timeline which she did. Was extremely hurtful and caught me completely off guard especially when I have been keeping such close tabs on her since May. Last encounter was only a day or 2 before I posted on here. I thanked her for her honesty but very obviously had a rough next couple days coping with the level of lies and infidelity. So we both took off work a day to spend some time alone and talk and try to forget the past few days for a while. We went to the lake rented a jet ski and spent the day riding stopping to talk and grabbing some lunch and drinks. She offered to quit her job and She fired the om as a client even blocked his number from her office phone system, offered to delete all social media but that was really not something I wanted. So she blocked him from all accounts. She is doing everything I can think of to make me feel comfortable. She says she knows she messed up and almost lost me and has hurt her children even though they don’t know what is going on. She has offered to go to counseling if I want to go and I have a bowl full of questions for her to answer every day. Now one of my biggest problems is how normal everything feels. We are getting along great and happy most of the day. It just feels too normal too quick. Kinda gives me a scared feeling but not sure if I should or if it’s just the past 3 months messing with me. I know we still have tons of work to do.

Ok I think I’m ready who is gonna hit me with a 2x4 of reality.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2022   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8750059
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