SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I contine to read everything and value your input.

As to DNA testing, if my WS is accurate, her relationship with him ended June 10 1988. He moved away from our city at the end of that June. My wife and I began trying to conceive June 1989. I have always had full confidence that my son is mine. I have photographs of the OM on his 50th birthday (on Flickr) ugly goof, no resemblance to my handsome son in any way. If we had a dollar for every time somebody mentioned how much my son looks like me.....

Perhaps ask her to do it. This is so she can see how much she is making you question her character your whole marriage.

You wife sounds like she doesn't understand how you are going to struggle trying to grow past this. She will argue, complain, all of it. Then make her do it anyways. Like I said, a little discomfort will help her see she isn't going to get to "feel better" after confessing, blowing up your belief in your marriage.

You will want to ask while you still have the nerve what she did to make things up to you after the affairs ended. She denied you affection while you were committed. That is a set of scales she stole from. How did she try to balance it? This might help with future pain. If she has nothing, then that says a lot too. If she focuses on holding her secret, that again says a lot.

She swears she has been 100% mine since.

Really? How is someone 100% yours AND lying to you every day for 33 years?

The test will probably reveal the kid is yours. But that is not really the point, the test is to drive home the point that her choice to have an affair(s?) and the 33 years of lying by omission has broken your trust in her.

And the almost overlap of the affair and the birth is like a year so she might be confused on the exact time frame.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 6:36 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

In early days ANGER was there, I hope to move it out of the conversation.

How is that being authentic in your marriage? What is wrong with allowing her to experience your fury at what she did to you?

NO I'M NOT SAYING PHYSICALLY ABUSE HER! But you should not treat her with kid gloves either and pretend everything is golly gee whiz hunky dory. Your wife committed a heinous crime against you and your marriage, and she needs to experience some emotional consequences for it. Do you want an authentic, honest, real partnership, or do you want a marriage where you both continue to hide things from each other?

The DNA it’s too important of an issue to let it slide, or to bank on the fact that people say that your son looks like you.

This is not just about you. Your son has the right to know if there might be any medical conditions down the road for him.

Your son must know the truth. For his own sake!!!!

Plus, explaining to your son why you need the DNA test will also reinforce the damage that your wife did to you all those years ago.

And, you were also working under the assumption that this guy was the only one.

This one is a no brainer, and again it’s not for you, it’s for your son

MickeyBill2016:

The test will probably reveal the kid is yours. But that is not really the point, the test is to drive home the point that her choice to have an affair(s?) and the 33 years of lying by omission has broken your trust in her.

mrplspls, when you do the DNA test it's not just about finding that you are the father, it's important to demonstrates to your wife the deep broken trust that she caused, it's a huge slap on the face and one of the consequences she must face!

It's something you really must do even if you know he is 100% your son!

The point regarding the DNA test is really not about the other man that is being mentioned, it is about your wife’s behavior, because she behave this way with him, she may very well have behaved this way with other people.

My wife fucked another man without protection, without birth-control. She did this every single time. We had four children at home, all under the age of eight, one that was only one year old.

If you read enough about affair partners, and their behavior, you will find that this is extremely common. No protection, no judgment, and random sexual interactions that make no sense to the outside world looking at it from a rational view.

I am not suggesting that you DNA your kids, it is an option, but it comes with additional problems, I chose not to do so with my children, but it was a close run thing. The only reason I did not do it in the end is my wife finally reacted with true remorse, finally did the work that needed to be done, and confessed a whole bunch of shit that she had done that she never needed to confess, no one would ever have known, so I figured she probably was telling the truth about the kids as well.

mrplspls -

Catching up on the thread, sorry to see you here.

My story is hauntingly similar. My wife was going to take her secret to the grave, and she held on to it for 18-years before finally confessing.

As Thumos mentioned earlier, your brain is unable to differentiate a timeline for the amount of pain you’re only starting to endure.

Just because you find out years later, it doesn’t make it easier or grant your wife any special prize for hanging in there.

It will take time to re-assemble your life as it actually happened. So, give yourself some time, some space and lots of room to process all of this.

Understand that even the harsh advice here is intended to make sure you don’t get hurt any more than you already have been.

I know why my wife confessed when she did, it’s always a key to me, to really understand why yours waited so long to tell you.

You’ll get to the other side of this, we all survive it.

I just think you need some more information before you can determine if you have as much of the truth as you need to decide what you want to do going forward.

ETA: I did read the initial explanation of your wife’s confession, but most of us still deal with limited release of the truth. WS still mitigate and leave out key details - in the guise of protecting us, when they’re still protecting themselves.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 6:01 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

not against you wanting to recover

however you must have your WW do a polygraph test

and a DNA test as part of the steps your WW has to do

to repair the broken trust.

I contine to read everything and value your input.

As to DNA testing, if my WS is accurate, her relationship with him ended June 10 1988. He moved away from our city at the end of that June. My wife and I began trying to conceive June 1989. I have always had full confidence that my son is mine. I have photographs of the OM on his 50th birthday (on Flickr) ugly goof, no resemblance to my handsome son in any way. If we had a dollar for every time somebody mentioned how much my son looks like me.....

I think what you mean is "if my wife is truthful" which you have no reason to be sure about.

Also doing the DNA test will send a message of just how hurt you are and also how little you trust what she says.

Especially since she only told you after an argument during which you kind of dragged it out of her - so I am not sure she was hurting as much as you say and also that she was going to tell you.

As for it not being her first rodeo - there is little to suggest that it was or was not other than she was cheating on you and looking for your replacement fairly early into the marriage! Why would she not have test driven other men?

What you are actually being told here is to not trust anything and do not assume you have the full truth. And until you do or are fairly certain that you do, this will continue to eat away at you.

Old truck is 100% correct!!!

Every crime has a consequence. A punishment! What is hers going to be?

At a minimum you need to get a polygraph and a DNA test for your son. At the very least it will show her how she has lied to you for so long.

You're obviously plan B and you seem to happy with that. To each his own!

I still haven’t realized what punishment is appropriate for infidelity.

Plus, even murderers and rapists are thought to have paid back to society for their crimes once the punishment is over. An executed murdered is buried respectfully, a burglar can get a job and vote once he has done his stretch…

I wonder what we could do to punish infidelity. Would you be OK with your wife if she did 100 push-ups or wrote “I won’t have sex with other men” ten thousand times on the black board? Would she be rehabilitated? Or is the only appropriate punishment to strap her down on a gurney and send her on her way?

The consequences and the punishment is the loss of what was.

The consequence is the hard work that lies ahead to establish trust, the consequence is when she looks at you and wonders about the pain her actions caused. The consequences are internal to her – pain she feels, guilt, the knowledge that she did wrong. The consequences might be that you realize she isn’t what you thought she was, and you leave this marriage. But even then, it’s not an act that you do to punish her, but rather something you do for your own good.

Doing a DNA on the kids should be done if there is doubt and a logical reason to do the test. Not as punishment.

Demanding a poly should be done there is doubt and a logical reason to do the test. Not as punishment.

I for one recommend a poly. I already outlined for you what your biggest step right now should be: Getting the truth and feeling like you have the truth. After a couple of weeks – max 4-6 – you schedule a polygraph to confirm what has been said. Like “was the affair over at XX.XX.XXXX” and/or “Other than OM and mrplspls have you had sexual relations with any other person since XX.XX.XXXX”.

If she passes… you have a great base to work from.

If she fails… well… then you know and can decide your response on her failure.

DNA test all the children.

DNA test all the children.

These are adult children ranging from 24 to 30 years old. They might just say no.

Just a few comments to add to the very good input you already have received.

I found out 11 years after I first was suspicious that my XWW might be cheating. Everything that caused my suspicions was explained away - high stress at work, etc. I never had proof but my gut continued to be suspicious for a while.

Even though I had had those suspicions which were re-energized by some comments my XWW made I was broken, devastated and almost non-functioning when I finally pried the truth out of her. I may have been hoping she could convince me once and for all that she had been faithful.

We had been married 25 years when her adultery started and 36 years when I had it confirmed. It had lasted 4 years. However, in reality, we had been living a lie. The adultery lasts as long as the lies do.

What I didn't find out until later (DDays 2, 3 and 4) was about the adultery before we married. Lies by commission and omission. Our whole marriage was based on lies. My agency had been kept from me. My XWW lied out whole marriage and basically your did, too, mrplspls.

Secrets (lies) make you sick. It is highly doubtful you had the marriage you could have had. Unless your WW has some psychological deviation the secret would affect her investment in the marriage. On top of that, the pleasant memory of the kissing indicates it was in her happy memory bank. I may be wrong on the timing of that. I didn't go back and check. Anyway, her secrets would have affected your marriage. I strongly believe my XWWs affected ours and it came out in various ways that seem clear to me now but were puzzling to me at the time and unexplained.

Everyone who knew and knows my XWW would be extremely surprised that my XWW committed adultery. The ones who now know were and are. Not unusual. So out of character was what one who worked closely with her when she before and during the time she was actively screwing around.

It's not out of character though. It's consistent with character. That is why it happened. Same with your WW. There was opportunity, it seemed exciting or fulfilling or something, she really, really wanted to, she thought she'd never get caught and so she did it. It's a script. A commonly acted out script.

The adultery was not a mistake. It was decisions and choices made hundreds and thousands of times. It astounds me about how cold and calculating my XWW was in determining when it was safe for her to fuck him. Your WW played the same game - when you were out of town. Devious and deliberate. I suggest, as have others, the few times she has confessed to might only be the tip of the iceberg. I concur that a polygraph can help determine that.

Finally, anger is a useful emotion. It is protective. Anger was my friend. It was particularly useful when it was evident my XWW wasn't ever going to step up. It kept me from caving which I came close to doing many times.

Whichever route you take, R or D, it is a long road. A lot of ups and downs. The wild, vicious rollercoaster ride. Buckle up. You can't do anything but go through it.

Apparently about 70% of the betrayeds suffer from PTSD (also called PISD - Post Infidelity Stress Disorder). I did. I don't know if you ever get over it but learn techniques to minimize the effects and reduce triggers. The only way to deal with that is through counselling.

Counsellors are not created equal. It was my third when I really started to benefit. You need one trained in trauma treatment, hopefully familiar with the effects of adultery, PTSD and EMDR.

Linda J. McDonald's book has been recommended to you. It is short, too the point and excellent. I'll give you another. "Cheating in a Nutshell" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell.

I'm so sorry you are here. Your situation is not unique. Your WW is not unique. Stick around. Everyone here is intent on helping you heal and get out of adultery. BTW, the adultery is just days old to you. Brand new. I hope the best for you.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:20 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

It could be that our brother mrplspls is looking for help with how to handle the revelation, rather than advice about how to punish his wife.

If the latter was the big issue, one answer could be, "Buy her a one-way ticket to Saudi Arabia, and let those good old boys organize a traditional stoning to death". Or a tarring and feathering. Or a tattoo across the forehead. Or a full body massage with a baseball bat. Or...Hell, I am writing the script of the next Quentin Tarantino movie.

A suitable punishment is not the issue.

mrplspls, I know how much this revelation must hurt you, and how it has probably led you to question everything that has happened over the course of your relationship with your wife. I think everyone here has gone through a version of that.

However, here is something to think about. Yes, your wife cheated. Yes, that stinks. Yes, she needs to think about what that says about her. However, if she did not want to be with you, why did she decide to stay with you for 32 years after her affair with her boss?

If she had doubts about being with you, or a desire to 'be' with other men, why did she stick with you for this amount of time? Why did she have kids with you if she thought other guys were better?

What she did back then may well score a ten out of ten on the 'shitty things to do' scale, but after she had done it, and her boss moved out of state, it seems like she evolved emotionally, and having cheated, she decided to try and be the wife she said she would be when you got married.

And from what you say, it sounds like she did that for more than three decades. So while nothing is going to make her affair 'good', or forgettable, I think all of us an recall times in our lives where we stopped, too a hard look at ourselves, and decided to change.

So yes, you could divorce the woman who has spent three decades with you and borne your children, in an effort to punish the woman she was more than thirty years ago. The trouble is, they are two different people.

Yes, you could shame her, tell everyone who knows her about what she did, blow up a photo of her affair partner and hang it up in a big frame in the living room and tell her to explain to the kids who the man is.

But what would that achieve at this point in your life, and in your relationship?

Nothing you do now can change the past.

However, that past also includes three decades of being with you when she could have simply left if she did not want to be where she was.

Why would she have spent that amount of time with you if she wanted to be somewhere else?

After her affair with her boss, she could have come to you and told you that she had re-thought everything, and that she had decided that she was not made for marriage. It isn't you, it's me. I'm sorry, but I can't do this any more.

She could have done that, but she didn't.

Why?

Is it possible that the meaningless, throwaway nature of her affair made her understand the value of a solid relationship, as opposed to one based on deception and mutual exploitation?

People an grow and evolve. We have all done it, whether or not we know it. The person your wife was 32 years ago is not who she is now, after three decades, and three children.

You see, as much as her sh*tty actions might be making you doubt everything, you have to balance that against the fact that if your wife did not want to be with you, she could have left you thirty years ago. And she did not do that.

I have no idea why your wife cheated, and that is something that she needs to review and document for you, but what you know is that whatever nonsense enabled her affair, she came out of it and decided to stay with you when she could have called it quits and walked away.

So if you are looking back over your relationship with her and thinking that nothing that happened after the affair is 'real', or 'true', you need to re-think that.

The affair stinks. Nobody would argue that. However, what if your wife emerged from it with a new outlook, and decided to make up for what she had done by being a good wife for you, and a good mother to the kids you had together?

What if, after the affair, what happened between you was true, and genuine, and real? It could have been.

If a polygraph will make you feel a greater certainty about things than you have at the moment, by all means go for it. It could help you, and taking it will send a 'take nothing for granted' message to your wife.

Whatever you choose to do, and whatever you need, people here will try to provide it for you.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:12 AM, October 19th (Monday)]

I have to say I just don't understand what your WW expects you to do with this information now. You are handed a shit sandwich out of nowhere so that your WW can unburden her conscience 33 years later. Sorry, but you have every right to figure out what has been going on during your 33 years of marriage. You have every right not to sweep this affair under the rug. You have every right to be outraged because you will carry this shit sandwich with you for the rest of your life. Polygraph is a must. Seek IC.

Mr+,

If we had a dollar for every time somebody mentioned how much my son looks like me.....

If I had a $1 for every time someone told me my (step) son looks just like me, I'd have at least $1k! My 1st wife, a real piece of work to say the least is a serial cheater. She cheated on me(10-12 times ONS's---I worked nights, yeah, we div in 1991), she cheated on her 2nd husband (a couple of dozen times) and is now on her 3rd husband, though she's been with him for more than 20 years...and still have cheated on him at least 10x! Until I saw my sister's daughter (counsins who look like twins), I honestly never thought my daughter was mine. I could never afford the early DNA tests (met the niece in 2000), so there was always a lot of doubt.

However, Bigger (who is one of the heaveist hitters here) is a wise man. I would reread his last post closely. On reddit, there was a thread of a guy who's 5 kids were none of them, his...very ugly sad story. Not saying your WS did that to you, but the possibility is always there.

You've had some very, very good advice here...I hope you get the counselling you very much need, in order to work through this. As always here, take the advice you can use and ignore the rest. Some of us will come across harsh, but it's only because we hope to keep you from making our mistakes.

A timeline, that is accurate will help you work through this. A polygraph will also do that as it will validate everything she puts into the timeline.

[This message edited by redwing6 at 9:45 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]