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Where do I start?

My WS revealed her secret 5 weeks ago. Long ago sexual adventures with her boss at the time. Once at work, 3 times at his house in 87, twice more in 88.

She can remember the times when I was out of town, first time for them was during a trip to Oklahoma with my father.

The two in 88 were when I went to see Leon Redbone in Buffalo in May with friends and then in June when I went with friends to Boston to see a Red Sox game.

The other events at his house she does not remember clearly. I think it is because they involved lies to my face and she has had years to bury the details.

Amazing how an old event can cause intense fresh pain. I suspected nothing back then.

She swears she has been 100% mine since. We have three adult kids born 1990, 92, 96. Wonderful family years.

She has grown, matured. If those who have known her, short or long time, found out her WS story and status, they would be SHocked.

My pain is real. We are seeing a psychologist for help. How do I ease the pain?

Sorry you're here.

She has had 33 years to grapple and understand this (although certainly keeping the secret was weighing on her). It is brand new for you. It is not an old wound. It is a brand new fresh gaping wound that means you have to reconsider your whole damn life. This is part of why lying about it is so bad. It isn't just the affair that causes hurt, it's the doubt and complete revisiting of every event between when the affair happened and DDay.

For now you should feel the pain, but take care of yourself. Eat well, drink water, excercise, etc.

It takes time to heal. The "rule of thumb" is around 2-5 years. So be patient with yourself.

Why did she confess now?

Honest answer...you need to take a hard look at what you are willing to do, not what you are unwilling to do. Those are your lateral limits.

If it were me, I would do today, exactly what I would have done if I walked in and caught them in the act...no exceptions.

You are only as trapped in this as you allow others to trap you. The door is there and you are a free man if you choose to be.

Most will tell you the "it was a long time ago, just move on" line. Your call.

I found out 14 years later. It's such a raw deal, no actions to take that will affect the outcome. I find myself being ALMOST envious of the one's who find out while the affair is active.

There isn't anything quick you can do to ease the pain. It has to run it's course. The single best thing I believe I did was get the whole story from my WW and then have a her take a polygraph to verify that story and her claim (like your WW) of faithfulness beyond the adultery I knew about.

I wonder why she conffessed?

My pain is real. We are seeing a psychologist for help. How do I ease the pain?

There is no guaranteed way to ease the pain.

Go see your own mental health professional without her.

She swears she has been 100% mine since.

Cheaters always say that. Maybe it is true in that she hasn't physically cheated since then, but I wouldn't believe her based on her own word.

I would look at it another way: Has she truly been yours at all since then?

When does she become "100% yours" after cheating? The week after she was done cheating? The month or year after?

Lying to your face, burying her secret betrayal for 33 years... maybe it was a warm or exciting memory to her... would you consider her to be "yours" for all that time?

We have three adult kids born 1990, 92, 96.

I really don't like the proximity of the date of birth of your first child in particular, in relation to the date of her cheating.

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Here is the deal: Cheaters lie.

They lie about magnitude, frequency, intensity, small details, large details.

They lie about how many times, the start date, the end date, and what they actually did.

They lie about what they said to you and about you.

The only thing I would stake everything on is that she is still lying, omitting (which is lying), and minimizing (Also lying).

Did she even tell you why she did it? Why she stopped? Why your marriage wasn't worth it to her to not do it in the first place?

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What I have found provides any relief at all is the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Make her write down a timeline. It should be long and detailed. Don't accept any bullshit or half-assed efforts.

Make sure she includes any other transgressions. If she says there have been none, make her commit that to paper.

Make sure you tell her she will have to validate her timeline against a polygraph.

And honestly, I would conduct some surveillance to see what she really does and who she really is when you are not looking.

There is a good chance that you find out you didn't know who your wife is at all.

If you are willing to make that effort, I can help you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 3:46 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

mrplspls, I am so sorry you are here.

Amazing how an old event can cause intense fresh pain

Regardless of what caused the pain it is absolutely real for you this very moment.

Long ago sexual adventures with her boss at the time. Once at work, 3 times at his house in 87, twice more in 88

This may have happened 32 and 33 years ago but she told you about it 5 weeks ago.

As far as you should be concerned it happened 5 weeks ago.

My WS revealed her secret

Why did she confess after so long?

Was someone else going to tell you?

She swears she has been 100% mine since

She has lied to you by omission for the last 33 years. You might want to question whether her fidelity since then is real.

Wonderful family years

Are you sure?

I am glad you are seeking help but working with her on this may not be what's best for you right now.

You both may want to consider individual counseling.

Her for how she could have cheated and lie to you for the last 33 years.

You for the fact that your wife is not who you thought she was.

How do I ease the pain?

I wish there was an easy way but like the rest of us you just have to go through it.

We will be here to help but keep seeking professional help from someone versed in infidelity recovery.

Keep posting.

My pain is real. We are seeing a psychologist for help. How do I ease the pain?

Indeed how. The entire marriage was based on a lie. What words can be said, that will compensate for that fact?

Wow, that really hurts. She kept it secret for all these years and now dumps this on you. Her conscience is eased but your feelings are in the crapper. You will never feel the same about her again. She should have taken this to her grave given the time-lapse, but she didn't. Time for her to give you a clear timeline on all such activities during your marriage. Tell her she is also going to have to sit for a polygram exam. As it turns out, you don't know this woman. Does she want out of the marriage? Is she using this revelation to ease that process? How did she break the news to you? Is she remorseful? Did she say why she did it? What happened to the POS boss? Why is she telling you now? I am sure you have many questions. Go see an IC. Stay away from marriage counselors. I am a bitter BS, so if this happened to me again, I would start dating immediately and tell the WW to go shove it. Maybe bad advice, but fuck being nice and turning the other cheek. Be careful of MC's who try and make you rugsweep. Mine did that and I stayed in the marriage from hell an additional 6 years.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:10 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

Amazing how an old event can cause intense fresh pain.

Actually for you, it just happened 5 minutes ago. As far as your brain is concerned, it happened one second ago.

How long had you been married when the adultery happened?

Part of the pain you feel and will feel is that she has essentially been married to you on false pretenses for most of your marriage.

This has poisoned your marriage in ways profound and minor, in ways you will slowly realize.

Not long ago, I was part of a discussion encouraging a woman to confess her short term affair with a neighbor from 8 years ago to her husband.

They had moved away from where it happened. She had managed to keep it a secret.

As the discussion went on, it became clear how the secret had affected her marriage. She would feel guilty about it every few months or so and would experience depression and would withdraw from her husband for a few days.

We tried to help her see that this behavior has made her marriage less than what it could have been -- a lot less. Her husband obviously sensed something was wrong; he just didn't know what it was.

If you think back, I'm sure you will begin to realize various ways and various times in your marriage that were likely impacted in this way.

"The truth will out" is an old saying for a reason. I'd be curious about her real motive for confessing this now. There's always more to the story. It's doubtful she's giving you the "whole truth" and is really giving you a managed narrative she controls.

Just reading between the lines, it doesn't seem she's taking this as seriously as you are and is interested in minimizing and rugsweeping it now that she has told you the managed narrative she wants to control.

I think the advice to treat this as a new revelation for a new affair is a good one. That means the following:

1. See an attorney first and foremost so that you can understand your options. You may not want to divorce at all, but it would be good to know what divorce actually looks like in your state.

2. Put a VAR in her car. This is so you will know how she may be discussing her disclosure with friends and family. It also may give you information about WHY she decided to tell you now. Tell no one about your VAR, not even your closest confidantes.

3. Ask her to turn over her cell phone for you to run retrieval software on it. Since the affair is allegedly far in the past, this is really more about seeing what her reaction is to this request for transparency, and also about communicating to her the gravity of the situation and your shattered trust.

4. Ask for log on information to all of her social media, email or other similar accounts.

5. Ask her for a written detailed timeline of the adultery. A true accounting without trickle truth, red herrings, omissions, etc. Since she's already disclosed to you the basic outlines, she should be able to provide this within a week. It should not be a perfunctory one page document. It should be detailed. Putting this in writing also drives home the toxic and ugly nature of her actions.

6. You then ask folo up questions after reading this timeline based on your pace and your schedule. She should not respond to your questions with "I don't know" or "I don't remember" or "I've already told you everything."

7. Schedule a Polygraph examination. Ask no more than three precise questions to test the veracity of her story and the timeline. Cost is about $500, takes about two hours' time. Drive her to the appointment.

NOTE: one of the questions should laser in on whether she has had any other adulterous activity of any kind before or after this affair. The polygraph examiner can help word the questions.

8. I'm unsure whether a "no contact" document is needed after this much time, but you might consider having her write a letter to her affair partner/partners detailing the tragic severing of trust that has occurred.

9. At the same time or before this happens, tell the other betrayed spouse or spouses. This is practically an ethical obligation now that you know for the same reasons you would want them to tell you if they were in possession of this same information.

10. Tell her family, your in laws and her siblings. They need to know what has happened and what you are going through. They will support their daughter/sister and likely circle the wagons around her over time, but this shatters any illusions she might have that this is "no big deal" after so long a time. It also prevents her from spinning a false narrative about "marital troubles" with her family.

11. Immediate IC for both of you, preferably with a betrayal trauma specialist for you both individually. Betrayal trauma specialists can also help manage the additional disclosure process.

12. Implement a 180 on her. Read about it more on this site in the sidebar. You might also consider a temporary/therapeutic separation so you can be away from the source of your pain. We wouldn't send a shell shocked soldier back to the front lines. You should not have to be triggered by your WW day after day right now, unless you think that you want to be around her.

13. Do not accept the following: continued trickle truth, blameshifting, attempts to rugsweep, attempts by her to rewrite the history of your marriage, minimizing her behavior, attempt to DARVO (deny attack reverse victim offender).

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:19 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

Sorry to read about her 33 year secret.

Your pain is real, the A for you just happened.

I am not sure why she would keep this secret for so long and now reveal it. Has there been a major life changing event to make her ease her conscious?

I am not big on certain things but a polygraph is warranted in this situation.

Go for walks, drink water and eat healthy.

The big question is: is infidelity a marriage breaker for you?

IC can help you, get her to read infidelity self help books, if she wants to help you heal.

Is she using her past A to D in retirement?

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:07 AM, October 15th (Thursday)]

I like the idea of knowing, why now? Why wait for so long and live and entire life of lies and deception? That said, she did tell you. I'm thinking she was waiting for a time when it was comfortable for her to do so. Again, for her. Not for you or the kids. That's not good.

As to the pain, there really is no way to ease it. The best way is for you to focus on you. Get exercise, find time for you, spend time away from your wife as she is a trigger for pain right now. Eat well... Maybe go see the kids alone for a while. Don't be shy about telling them, but not in a victim sort of way.

You should also read the book “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” by Linda McDonald. I’m not big on reading assignments after my own experience of watching my WW disregard these or make excuses — but this is one book your WW needs to read.

The book is very short. Can be read in an hour or two.

Also ask her to provide a written “impact” statement on how she thinks this has harmed your marriage over the years and what she thinks the impact will be now, as well as outlining in detail for you what specific steps she will be taking to help you heal.

Ask her to do this before she reads the McDonald book but after you have already read the book.

This will help you gauge her state of mind and worldview before she reads the book — and you will also be able to cross compare what she comes up with against what McDonald outlines as necessary.

I’m sure the comparison will be stark but it’s a good “stress test” that will reveal just how wayward her thinking continues to be.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:10 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

Why is she telling you now?

People who cheat usually only do something when they can gain something from it.

The only thing I can add is that even in confessions like this, the story is sanitized, manipulated with lots of I don’t remember laced in.

Demand absolute honesty and do not accept half information. If she claims she does not know whether they used condoms or oral or how many times in your house, she is lying.

If she says that there was no contact after x date, or that she never said she loved him or that you are better in bed, these are deeply suspect.

If she says she doesn’t know why she did it, she’s lying.

If she says she didn’t tell you to protect you, she’s lying.

In the “I can relate” forum section, there’s a thread about “5hose who found out years later”. It might help you to go take a look...

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=349697

if you try to recover your marriage this process takes 2 to 5

years.

why did your WW confess now?

for how much longer did your WW still work for her boss

after she stopped her PA?

the OWW is a BW and deserves to be told the truth.

The pain is real and it will be real in 2 years time and even 5 years down the line and maybe even longer. No one really gets over the betrayal and the lies and the horrible repeat movie images of their spouse with another person. You kind of learn to live with it. Well, if you decide to reconcile you kind of have to. But remember this. They chose to have the affair because of their own insecurities and not becsuse of you. So this is not your fault. When the guilt of hurting a loved one becomes too much and starts eating away at them it is only a matter of time till they burst or get caught because they get careless. Im just sorry she lived with this guilt for 33 years. At the end of the day it was probably hurting her every day looking at you and your beautiful family time together. She was probably planning to take this to her grave but i guess an event happened in her life where she realised she cant exit the universe like this. Maybe its a good thing she told you or maybe its not. The most important thing now is that the next move is yours. You can kind of say you have the power in your hands. You can choose to leave her since all your children have grown up and you have no more dependent children or you can stay with her and look back at the wonderful life you had together despite the affair( its a totally different story if youve stopped loving her and you want to leave her...this is your chance to walk away without any guilty feelings). Your whole marriage was not all a lie. Yes there are loads of things she may still be withholding especially the glory details but all the wonderful family years you had together were real. You would have felt it for sure in those moments. If you do however decide to reconcile and work things out then I should warn you youre in for a rocky ride. Anyone who has reconciled will tell you how difficult it is. Some marriages make it and some dont but its worth a try if you love each other. You have moments of hate where you remember things and in the beginning it plays on your mind throughout the day but as time (years) goes on these last only a few seconds or less and you get on with your life. You never forget and the pain will always be there. It may last a second but it will never go away.

Wow, that really hurts. She kept it secret for all these years and now dumps this on you. Her conscience is eased but your feelings are in the crapper. You will never feel the same about her again. She should have taken this to her grave given the time-lapse, but she didn't. Time for her to give you a clear timeline on all such activities during your marriage. Tell her she is also going to have to sit for a polygram exam. As it turns out, you don't know this woman. Does she want out of the marriage? Is she using this revelation to ease that process? How did she break the news to you? Is she remorseful? Did she say why she did it? What happened to the POS boss? Why is she telling you now? I am sure you have many questions. Go see an IC. Stay away from marriage counselors. I am a bitter BS, so if this happened to me again, I would start dating immediately and tell the WW to go shove it. Maybe bad advice, but fuck being nice and turning the other cheek.

Lots of good questions but 100% against the idea that she should have taken it to the grave. That would have been that many more years mrplspls had to live without agency, each one causing more damage behind the scenes.

It’s particularly cruel to confess after so many years when things are good. They didn’t confess earlier because it might have cost them something, Divorce etc.

By confessing now she calculated that nothing much would happen to her. So now confessing and feeling good about herself for being honest is worth it because the price will be minimal for her.

Her calculation was correct. Your action in response was to ask how you can get over the pain.

Spontaneously confessing without getting caught is very commendable during or soon after an affair. In my opinion doing it years later is extremely selfish

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:11 AM, October 15th (Thursday)]

Like the others, I'm curious about the confession. Why now?

Perhaps you can tell us the narrative of the events that led up to the confession, how/when she did it, what was said, etc.

In many "found out years later" threads, a big factor for the BS is how the marriage has been in the intervening years. There have been posters here whose WW's have been "meh" at best in those years. They are angry that they didn't know long ago, so they would have had a reason to leave their mediocre spouse. There have been BH's here whose WW's were amazing in the intervening years, having had an epiphany about making an effort to "make up" for the cheating.

How has yours been?

There is also the sense that every day between the day she started the A (33 years ago) and now has been a lie. It creates a warped reality. Causes you to re-think each of those days in this new context. She's been essentially carrying a sort of "private joke" about you, behind your back, all this time. Does it feel patronizing? Do you now question the sincerity of her behavior?

Finally, in your case, the sudden confession now seems odd. What would motivate her now to confess, after so many years? Usually, the WW confesses because she wants to make herself feel better, to unburden herself. It's a selfish act, not a noble act of honesty. Although on SI we generally advocate for complete honesty, in some cases there is a sense that confessing is yet another selfish act by a selfish wayward.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:57 AM, October 15th (Thursday)]