SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you know the majority of adulterous relationships are never discovered? Where is the data on that? If 25% of males cheat and 20% of females do and most aren't married to each other, hence not madhatters, What percent of marriages don't have adultery?

Edit: Just not worth it.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:49 PM, December 6th (Sunday)]

It's interesting to me that I arrived here approximately two years ago, with roughly the same story: a blatant physical infidelity at a particularly vulnerable time in life on multiple levels,

... and one way or the other, 'we' weathered it,

... and one way or the other, now 'we' are here,

... and none of you guys showed up for my cry for help.

Well, yeah, a precious strong handful of 'you guys' did show up. I do appreciate it. Thank you, forever. <3.

The others? Y'all are still and forever 'burning the witch.'

If 'burning the witch' alleviates your pain, well, there it is. I'm not saying in *any capacity* that it's a viable solution- every situation differs- but maybe it works for *you.*

I am willing to acknowledge that my fucking cheating husband has other qualities, overarching qualities, redeemable qualities, that are not and were not compromised by the fucked upped ness that informed his fucked up moment.

I also *know* that, even though I am *accommodating* this perception...

... I am not wedded to it- this perception of *life.*

I have shedded harder, more essential skins.

Trust me on this.

I have walked off far harder than I can, than I would, than perhaps I may even, in divorcing this husband.

I. have. already. walked. off. harder.

You. just. do. not. know.

You just do not know. And I won't spell it out here, because I do not *owe* explanations to random people on the internets.

I. am. still. investing. in. him.

I think he's worth it.

He made a *supremely fucked up move* that speaks to his intrinsic damage.

I get it. Oh, how I get it. I am far from blameless and saintly myself.

No one on this earth is so *perfect* that no element of fault or blame cannot be tolerated in that person's presence.

Now, to what degree can that very human tendency be accommodated?

That is *incredibly* individual, to the person, to the couple, to the transgression.

Here's the thing:

The actual physical infidelity *might* be the least of it.

It might be *the symptom* of greater (or lesser, even) or of hidden damage.

If one 'knee jerks' to physical infidelity, as *revulsive as it is,* (and it certainly *is*)

... one might actually miss the bigger picture.

I'm not saying that it's not revulsive. God knows that it is.

It simply might not be the major act in the story.

*Except, when it is. I totally get that. I did not, despite many, major, OMG you fell for *that* while I actively fought off *this,*

I totally *get* that.

There are all sorts of reasons and therefors and extenuating circumstances and essential circumstances why people stay together.

Be an empathetic human being and refrain from denigrating any of them, off hand, please. <3

marriageredux959, yours was one of the most insightful, honest, rational, vulnerable, strength filled posts that I have read over these many years here on SI. This should be pinned to the "must read" section for new and reconciling BS's.

Dealing with the fucked-up-ed-ness of a deeply broken cheater has all the surface simplicity of the common "kick them out" refrains, while at the same time, being mired in real life complexities, the self reflection journey that a BS must take, regarding their view of what may be broken in themselves, unrelated to any details or issues associated with the partner's infidelities. We are all broken. Not equally broken. But that difference evokes a reasonable need to work through. And everyone has their own way of doing that.

There are lines, and there are places from which you cannot come back, and there are deal breakers. Before experiencing infidelity, most of us think we knew exactly where those lines and deal breakers were. Then, infidelity blows up all those certainties into a complex process of redefining reality and figuring out the least worst path through some period of what life suddenly became. Sometimes the compromises and risk taking we do with a broken, fucked up cheater, proves to be worth it, on some level of "worth it" that fits the new realities of life.

He made a *supremely fucked up move* that speaks to his intrinsic damage.

I get it. Oh, how I get it. I am far from blameless and saintly myself.

No one on this earth is so *perfect* that no element of fault or blame cannot be tolerated in that person's presence.

Now, to what degree can that very human tendency be accommodated?

That is *incredibly* individual, to the person, to the couple, to the transgression.

Epic!

That being said, the broken cheater has to have some level of redemptive qualities and commitment to deal with their demons, and an honest desire to own the struggle, or R would seem impossible.

Admittedly, sometimes the best path is to cut and run, which may open up a new and more hopeful life than any work put into the cheater.

[This message edited by DIFM at 5:16 AM, December 7th, 2020 (Monday)]

I have started my thread in Reconciliation as I was so wisely and kindly asked.

I am glad I checked back in.

marriageredux959 , you and I also random people on the internets, but I want to tell you that your words struck me as beautiful.

So welcome, so weathered, so strong and so, so beautiful.

I want you to know that your post is considered by me as showing up for my cry for help.

Thank you, thank you. Would love to hear from you in other forums, but only so you can know more of our story. I think you have shared the heart of yours...

mrplspls - It's great that you are now posting in reconciliation, I supported this idea wholeheartedly a while back on this thread when it was originally suggested.

I would like to add: Please read a bunch of the other threads on the Reconciliation forum, it always helps to have the context of other people's experiences.