SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You might also want to consider putting cameras that our Wi-Fi available, in your living room kitchen and the bedroom that you’re staying. Some Wi-Fi cameras are dirt cheap and if she ever makes an accusation against you, it would be worth gold

Stay as far away from her as you can, because I think that is your only safety

LostOne

Your replies to her are good. They show strength and conviction on getting away from her infidelity.

But they are a bit detailed and complicated.

From the first pages of this thread I suggested simple and direct statements. And I’m going to suggest something similar once again.

Wife, you are having an affair. It hasn’t ended. It continues today. I’m not interested in sharing my life with someone who has invited a third person into our marriage. Someone who you care about more than me.

So I am moving on. There is nothing left to discuss because I don’t want to be with the person you are today. And It’s obvious to me that there is someone you want to be with more than me. I wish you well.

Make the statement, LostOne. And then please please please don’t say anything else but logistics. Kids, finances and mediation. Just logistics.

If you feel the need, just keep repeating the same thing like I wrote above. Over and over. At some point, she’ll get tired of it and hopefully stop engaging too.

I know, unfortunately that ship has sailed.

It doesn't really matter now. Your mind seems made up. You don't need any additional evidence.

It's not really an evidence gathering trick any more, it's a defense against her making wild accusations and promoting false narratives. It's always good to be informed about what your adversary is communicating about you.

"More human THAN human is our motto…"

Stevesn

Your replies to her are good. They show strength and conviction on getting away from her infidelity.

But they are a bit detailed and complicated.

From the first pages of this thread I suggested simple and direct statements. And I’m going to suggest something similar once again.

Thanks...Yeah, I tend to like to write. I'm sure everyone's noticed.

Unfortunately it's not the right move in this situation.

Wife, you are having an affair. It hasn’t ended. It continues today. I’m not interested in sharing my life with someone who has invited a third person into our marriage. Someone who you care about more than me.

Even if you told me today you were completely stopping contact with him forever, it would still take you months or years to stop pining away for him and somehow proving to me that you actually don’t care for him at all and love me as your one and only.

Until you get to that point you cannot help me heal. So I need to go and do that on my own, without you as a constant reminder that the person I loved decided she loves someone more than me.

You now are free to go explore life with the man you love. If you ever become a person again that I’d feel safe that she has my best interests in her heart and not those of some loser, give me a call and if I’m in a place in my life where I’m able to discuss it with you, I will. But that day is years away as the work you need to do to get there is great.

So I am moving on. There is nothing left to discuss because I don’t want to be with the person you are today. And It’s obvious to me that there is someone you want to be with more than me. I wish you well.

I'm going to modify this a bit and use it, but not today. I am utterly wiped today. I got maybe an hour or two of sleep last night. I had a panic attack at lunch. I called my friend and talked to him for 1/2 hour while I walked around Walmart and calmed down. I'm struggling through this day. I'm going to get home and crash. Probably go right to sleep if I can.

Edit: To be clear, where my mind was about the panic attack was all the lies and deception. The potential to fuck me over in a number of ways. The fact that the succubus is attempting to haunt me through distortions, gas lighting, and the like. The fact that I don't know her at all - that I don't know what she's capable of. The fact that I still have to climb Everest and I'm just beginning. I've got my path, the crampons, and I'm ready to go - but it's a long and dangerous trek up the mountain. Many have dropped along the way. Many have turned back. The air is thin, the path physically painful. I have sherpas (you all, my friends, my parents) but I have to climb this myself.

I must avoid her if she tries to start anything other than 'kids', 'finances', or 'mundane house/necessary issue'. I can't deal with her today.

Make the statement, LostOne. And then please please please don’t say anything else but logistics. Kids, finances and mediation. Just logistics.

If you feel the need, just keep repeating the same thing like I wrote above. Over and over. At some point, she’ll get tired of it and hopefully stop engaging too.

I will try.

beenthereinco

It doesn't really matter now. Your mind seems made up. You don't need any additional evidence.

+

KingofNothing

It's not really an evidence gathering trick any more, it's a defense against her making wild accusations and promoting false narratives. It's always good to be informed about what your adversary is communicating about you.

"More human THAN human is our motto…"

I kind of default on KingofNothing's outlook. Information is information.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 12:53 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

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by PatrolMaster

You can just put on a table in whatever room you are in. You don't have to wear it. It's $140.

You could also use your laptop or cell phone with a video recording app to do the same.

I might add you may have less ups and downs and panic attacks if you stop talking to her. Or having any discussions or explanations or text conversations with her.

She’s only hurting you further.

When my H was in the midst of his affair I thought he was either on drugs or having a breakdown b/c he was so unlike himself. He was mean and cruel and if I heard ILYBNILWY one more time I was going to lose it.

I decided to put me first. The hell with him.

Here's the thing though about defending yourself to people like her Godmother. She's her Godmother, her family. Ultimately when you Divorce she gets custody of her family and they are going to fall in line with her. It is unfortunate but it is what it is. Trying to spend your time convincing them that your WW is at fault is just wasted energy. You're not likely to have much of a relationship with them after the Divorce regardless of how they feel.

PassThis

Check out on Amazon: (Latest Gen)PatrolMaster 1296P UHD Body Camera with Audio (build-in 64GB), 2 Inch Display, Night Vision, Waterproof, Shockproof, Body Worn Camera with Compact Design, Police Camera for Law Enforcement

by PatrolMaster

You can just put on a table in whatever room you are in. You don't have to wear it. It's $140.

You could also use your laptop or cell phone with a video recording app to do the same.

I will check this out. Thank you.

The1stWife

I might add you may have less ups and downs and panic attacks if you stop talking to her. Or having any discussions or explanations or text conversations with her.

She’s only hurting you further.

She is, you are correct. I think also dealing with people she's lied to isn't helpful for me either.

When my H was in the midst of his affair I thought he was either on drugs or having a breakdown b/c he was so unlike himself. He was mean and cruel and if I heard ILYBNILWY one more time I was going to lose it.

ILYBNILWY?

I relate to this very much. My wife is not my wife. Or maybe she is but now I have my glasses and can see her for who she really is. Maybe it's the affair fog. I don't know. I don't much care anymore.

I decided to put me first. The hell with him.

Yes, exactly.

I will co-parent with her. I'm not rationalizing her bullshit. I'm not accepting her gas lighting. I'm not getting sucked in. No more relationship bullshit with her.

beenthereinco

Here's the thing though about defending yourself to people like her Godmother. She's her Godmother, her family.

That is true. Although, with this godmother the rest of the family actually hates her and never talks with her. It's a weird dynamic. The whole family is weird, to be frank.

Ultimately when you Divorce she gets custody of her family and they are going to fall in line with her. It is unfortunate but it is what it is. Trying to spend your time convincing them that your WW is at fault is just wasted energy. You're not likely to have much of a relationship with them after the Divorce regardless of how they feel.

Yes, I know you are correct. That's how it's been with her sisters and their ex boyfriends/baby-daddies.

If I'm not mistaken, Virginia is one-party consent, so you should be okay. That said, if you use your Amazon account, the device will be listed in previous orders. You might want to buy a VAR in person and in cash.

The whole family is weird, to be frank.

Roll the windows up. Look straight ahead. Put your foot on the gas.

Some people, and some situations, are best seen in a rear view mirror, getting smaller and smaller as you leave them behind and head into a future where you are not weighed down by their self-indulgent nonsense.

Reading your STBXw's responses in your last conversation over text, I'm seeing trigger words that I find a little alarming. The most egregious being where she complains that you are terrorizing her. That's not good, man. Disengage. Disengage, Disengage.

Stop trying to correct her narrative. She's considering it equivalent to "being bashed"... very forcible and selected use of action verbs. It's not that long of a stroll from there to domestic abuse charges. I can't stress this enough, get those magical tiny audio visual alibi-makers in place, pronto. Don't talk to her in person again until after mediation, if you can avoid it. Just don't text her beyond the bare minimum to get stuff done around the house until after the mediation. I know it's tough, but I'm not liking her tone at all. Protect yourself.

ILYBNILWY?

Shorthand for the common cheater's refrain, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Yes, it's so cliché that it has its own acronym. I would wager that 90% of us heard some version of this, often verbatim.

Hello.

You must feel weary. I'm glad that you have gotten to see this clearly. It seems to me that she feels she can say whatever to whoever. The story/attitude constantly changes. Who knows what is the truth anymore. She makes grand declarations and sounds conflicted. Sadly, you can't wait to see what's next in this storm. She had her chance to make this right.

I hope you get some peace soon and recover from the stress. You showed yourself to be a good person in all of this. I agree with the others. She keeps trying to pull your emotions like a toy on a string. Cut that string. She has no right to yank on it any more.

Please think about what would make you happy now.

It's a serious matter. Your WW jumped into a raging current and is washing away. She still calls for you to wade in. My friend, please look at the mountain path before you. You are going up.

You and your kids are going up that path to the top. There's a peaceful meadow up there and the air is clean. You can be happy there. The path requires effort but the way is interesting. You can always take rests or visit with a friend as you go.

Do not feel alone. You are never alone. You are always surrounded by love. We are all eternal spirits and we are all important. Every one of us.

You will see. Keep your heart open. Be open to help and take time to help others.

This is a moment of transition. Think of what you want your life to be. Transition to that thought. Just take a step toward it.

You are free of the chaos. It's sad to say goodbye and start up the mountain. I can tell you that I sat by the river crying for at least a year. Now I'm on the path and I feel I'm being restored. I see my life clearly. I know who I am. I make good decisions. Every day brings interest.

Let your emotions come but recognize they are temporary like changing clouds. Keep your focus on your goal and shine your light to help others. Don't be afraid and don't let anyone try and confuse you. You know who you are.

M1965

Roll the windows up. Look straight ahead. Put your foot on the gas.

Some people, and some situations, are best seen in a rear view mirror, getting smaller and smaller as you leave them behind and head into a future where you are not weighed down by their self-indulgent nonsense.

I will be. Fortunately they aren't reaching out, so that makes it easier for me. The hardest will be my sister-in-law's daughters, who I've become close to. I will keep in touch with them if they do likewise.

KingofNothing

Reading your STBXw's responses in your last conversation over text, I'm seeing trigger words that I find a little alarming. The most egregious being where she complains that you are terrorizing her. That's not good, man. Disengage. Disengage, Disengage.

Well it's Sunday and I've avoided talking to her about much of anything. I have disengaged. She sent me STD test results, which was one of the litany of things I sent her a few weeks ago that I said would make me feel safe. It's far too late for trying on her part and an STD test is common sense.

Stop trying to correct her narrative. She's considering it equivalent to "being bashed"... very forcible and selected use of action verbs. It's not that long of a stroll from there to domestic abuse charges. I can't stress this enough, get those magical tiny audio visual alibi-makers in place, pronto. Don't talk to her in person again until after mediation, if you can avoid it. Just don't text her beyond the bare minimum to get stuff done around the house until after the mediation. I know it's tough, but I'm not liking her tone at all. Protect yourself.

Yes, will do - and I agree. I'm just doing the minimum at this point.

PlanNine

Shorthand for the common cheater's refrain, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Yes, it's so cliché that it has its own acronym. I would wager that 90% of us heard some version of this, often verbatim.

Ah, gotcha. She hasn't said precisely that, but she's basically implied it for the last few weeks. I think if I were to directly ask her she would say 'I don't know'. I'm not going to ask her, just guesstamating.

pureheartkit

Hello.

You must feel weary. I'm glad that you have gotten to see this clearly. It seems to me that she feels she can say whatever to whoever. The story/attitude constantly changes. Who knows what is the truth anymore. She makes grand declarations and sounds conflicted. Sadly, you can't wait to see what's next in this storm. She had her chance to make this right.

Friday I was dead on my feet. I've been kind of empty since then. I have this profound sense of sorrow and inevitability in me. I also feel this hole inside me. It feels like a chunk of me went down with where ever that hole leads to, as though it were a toilet being flushed. I feel like small trickles of water are still going down but the bulk of the sewage has already gone down.

If that makes any sense.

I hope you get some peace soon and recover from the stress. You showed yourself to be a good person in all of this. I agree with the others. She keeps trying to pull your emotions like a toy on a string. Cut that string. She has no right to yank on it any more.

Please think about what would make you happy now.

Thank you for this. I think she is either consciously or unconsciously attempting to pull my strings. I think once I'm through with mediation and in another place things will still suck, but they will be better.

I feel very strongly like she is doing everything in her power to keep me in limbo. As though she has crafted voodoo dolls of me to accomplish this task. That's why it's imperative that I stay the course and get out when I can.

It's a serious matter. Your WW jumped into a raging current and is washing away. She still calls for you to wade in. My friend, please look at the mountain path before you. You are going up.

Yeah, she wants to drag me down into the icey watery depths.

You and your kids are going up that path to the top. There's a peaceful meadow up there and the air is clean. You can be happy there. The path requires effort but the way is interesting. You can always take rests or visit with a friend as you go.

I'm dreaming of that meadow.

Do not feel alone. You are never alone. You are always surrounded by love. We are all eternal spirits and we are all important. Every one of us.

You will see. Keep your heart open. Be open to help and take time to help others.

Thank you, this helps. It sucks because I'm here and I feel isolated, but there's this community, my friends, and my family.

This is a moment of transition. Think of what you want your life to be. Transition to that thought. Just take a step toward it.

You are free of the chaos. It's sad to say goodbye and start up the mountain. I can tell you that I sat by the river crying for at least a year. Now I'm on the path and I feel I'm being restored. I see my life clearly. I know who I am. I make good decisions. Every day brings interest.

Let your emotions come but recognize they are temporary like changing clouds. Keep your focus on your goal and shine your light to help others. Don't be afraid and don't let anyone try and confuse you. You know who you are.

Yes, thank you for saying this. I think it's true. I have already recognized that mornings are particularly tough for me. But the emotions will pass. Actually, on days when I just do cardio it's rougher. The thing is, I can't lift weights every day.

I'm currently watching La Llorona...Not sure that's a wise choice.... Lol...

Not a ton of updates, but I got through the weekend. I had what I think was a paradigm shifting chat with my best friend. I told him about the advice here/he knows/ and we just went over things. He confirmed that my wife was gas lighting me. Whether or not she's doing it maliciously or just doesn't remember what she said is irrelevant to me.

I think just having him confirm things for me helped out tremendously. That and reading the stuff here and taking a step back and absorbing the advice about how my 'texts' might be interpreted.

I still texted my wife this weekend - but it was stuff like 'I'm picking up my daughter' (she was at a friends) and run of the mill stuff. There was a bit of an awkward moment Sunday morning - my wife and I were in the kitchen. She had gone out with her sister to dinner the night before. She brought up golden coral and how she had been told it was closed or whatever. I said I didn't hear that - I kept my responses minimal as I could, but out of habit I asked what her and her sister talked about. My wife started getting teary and I said that I didn't want to talk any relationship stuff and I wasn't trying to bring that up. I finished up what I was doing and left the kitchen.

Outside of that there wasn't anything. Since Sunday afternoon (after I talked to my friend) I've felt good for the first time in weeks. Yeah, I still have pain and I know this is all beginning and all that - but it felt like there was something lifted. I don't feel that I have to prove that she's been gas lighting me. I don't feel burdened to 'justify' my departure. Hopefully these feelings stand. I still feel sad and shit, but it's different.

I was actually in a cheery mood most of the night. I made some dinner for the kids and said she could have some (cause I felt okay and fuck it). We didn't talk. It was clear that she had been crying and she only ate like 2 bites of food. She told me that she had taken a Xanax. I was talking to the kids a lot and basically giving her one word responses.

I realize that I'm going to have to pull back further and disconnect entirely - but I just felt good and relieved. I think relieved is the fundamental emotion I was feeling. That and I didn't have to put up with any bullshit that I didn't want to.

I'm not sure if that all makes sense and I probably handled things wrong, but I'll get back on the horse today and continue my journey.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 7:05 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

Keep up the good work. Just know, you will jump around on the cycles. I thought I had made a big step only to wake up and found myself back in grief but someone here gave me really good advice.

you will fall back ten steps, and then work your way back up, you will fall and rise over and over again but you will soon see that when you fall back ten steps it isn't as far as it was before. The journey takes time but you just need to keep at it.

Your friend seems like a good egg, keep talking to him. Gaslighting sucks but knowing the truth sometimes doesn't help. I just with my situation that she cheated and I am sure that all of the things she did with me she did with him so stewing on it doesn't help just throw it all in that she cheated. It helped me so maybe it will help you.

It sounds like she is trying to bait you into talking about her and what she is going through. Don't grab the bait, the xanax thing, smh, you could have said, it's good that you are taking care of yourself or something supportive but not commitive and doesn't really open the door for more information.

Keep at it, stay strong. I found an article that helped me this moring.

(Exe Name), I accept our relationship is over.

I keep repeating it and it seems to help.

Keep coming back and stay strong.

sorryforeverythi

Keep up the good work. Just know, you will jump around on the cycles. I thought I had made a big step only to wake up and found myself back in grief but someone here gave me really good advice.

you will fall back ten steps, and then work your way back up, you will fall and rise over and over again but you will soon see that when you fall back ten steps it isn't as far as it was before. The journey takes time but you just need to keep at it.

I'm kind of expecting to continue on the roller coaster but I think/hope it'll be different. Life is still shitty right now and I have to get through the time and out, but I do feel relieved.

Your friend seems like a good egg, keep talking to him. Gaslighting sucks but knowing the truth sometimes doesn't help. I just with my situation that she cheated and I am sure that all of the things she did with me she did with him so stewing on it doesn't help just throw it all in that she cheated. It helped me so maybe it will help you.

He completely is. He's one of the best guys I've ever known. As to gaslighting, I think I just needed someone I cared about to know the truth. I think that's what's making the difference. I know the other people who are being gas lit will eventually be out of my life.

It sounds like she is trying to bait you into talking about her and what she is going through. Don't grab the bait, the xanax thing, smh, you could have said, it's good that you are taking care of yourself or something supportive but not commitive and doesn't really open the door for more information.

Yeah, I'm kind of getting that vibe too. With regard to the Xanax, she kind of announced it and said it made her tired and asked if I thought having an energy drink would be a good idea. I said that one wouldn't hurt but the temptation would be to have another if you were still tired. That's about it.

Keep at it, stay strong. I found an article that helped me this moring.

(Exe Name), I accept our relationship is over.

I keep repeating it and it seems to help.

Keep coming back and stay strong.

Thanks. What article is that? I think repeating it does help - and repeating it to the people I care about.

I don't know if I can post it, I should probably read the rules but it was by a dude named Eddie Corbano.

I also have been watching a lot of youtube videos lately.

One of them kind of stuck out and he said,

"Good relationships last, bad ones break. If your's broke it was a bad one, and being in a bad relationship is bad.

I was in a bad relationship it broke. It won't be fixed. I am telling myself to accept it so I can move on. I can still love her but I need to accept that loving her in my past is better than trying to find a way to hold on to her. I accept that it's over. That might help you.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 8:11 AM, January 27th (Monday)]