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Cooley2here

Lovely mother you have there. Planning on ditching the kids?

She’s gone mentally/emotionally. Money and convenience are what are keeping her there. You are experiencing passive aggressiveness 101. Get the lawyer to serve her and get the divorce. The fresh air will smell wonderful.

She has morphed into a female version of her AP.

I feel like Nada in 'They Live' and I've just gotten my glasses.

Holy shit... My wife said that the mediator will email me the details.

I'll wait for the email and then do a happy dance.

Granted, I know this is just the beginning.

She's really baffling to me. Even my wife finally "got it" when I made it clear that her precious money was on the line. Your STBXw can't recognize the train has left the station. There is nothing more she can do to stall it and gain a favorable situation for herself. No offense, but she's coming across like a delusional sociopath. If there's some clever Machiavellian scheme in play here, I'm not seeing it. There's no upside for her in delaying now.

I'm not going to repeat what is getting said and said again on here, you know the plan and you're sticking to it. Wishing you strength and resolve. Stop the texting, it's a complete waste of time and it just makes you feel miserable.

Keep an eye on that Jeep purchase. Adding a vehicle to the marital assets in the last few weeks is a common tactic. It's totally hers.

First, I just got the email from the mediator. My wife scheduled it for February 18th, not the second week of February. Whatever, I'm not griping.

KingofNothing

She's really baffling to me. Even my wife finally "got it" when I made it clear that her precious money was on the line. Your STBXw can't recognize the train has left the station.

My wife is addicted! She can't help her feelz. Plus, she was just trying to lead me on for 6 months or 6-8 years.

There is nothing more she can do to stall it and gain a favorable situation for herself. No offense, but she's coming across like a delusional sociopath. If there's some clever Machiavellian scheme in play here, I'm not seeing it. There's no upside for her in delaying now.

Well, she's depressed. I'm not sure her carefully thought out plan of having an affair worked out in getting her out of the depression....

I honestly don't know - probably some psychological self-destructive shit going on in her head.

I'm not going to repeat what is getting said and said again on here, you know the plan and you're sticking to it. Wishing you strength and resolve. Stop the texting, it's a complete waste of time and it just makes you feel miserable.

Yes, you are right - thank you though.

Keep an eye on that Jeep purchase. Adding a vehicle to the marital assets in the last few weeks is a common tactic. It's totally hers.

Will do.

She didn't respond when I pointed out that she's getting a Jeep because he had a Jeep in High School when they dated....

She's having a midlife and pretending to be a teenager again.

I am a fan of mediation. They don't really care who did what to whom. Just the facts, not the emotions...Our D was simple no kids and sort of equal earning. The courts like mediators because hopefully it prevents people from screwing each other and things are settled without a court hearing.

A good mediator is good at horse trading so both feel like they are getting a little but screwed but also that things are fair.

Strongly suggest telling her to wait on the Jeep for 6 months. Does she have a car currently? Is her excuse that she needs a car after the D?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:39 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

MickeyBill2016

I am a fan of mediation. They don't really care who did what to whom. Just the facts, not the emotions...Our D was simple no kids and sort of equal earning. The courts like mediators because hopefully it prevents people from screwing each other and things are settled without a court hearing.

Yeah, we make about the same. We have 2 kids though. In my head I don't think there will be a lot of sticking points, but we will see.

A good mediator is good at horse trading so both feel like they are getting a little but screwed but also that things are fair.

That will be interesting.

Strongly suggest telling her to wait on the Jeep for 6 months. Does she have a car currently. The excuse is she need a car after the D.

She does have a car, currently. Her excuses about how much mediation will cost and 'why can't we do this on our own' fall flat with the 'oh, but I want a new jeep...'.

I feel like Nada in 'They Live' and I've just gotten my glasses.

It's inappropriate to suggest it, but I feel the need to buy you a beer and talk nerd shit. That's at least the tenth film reference I've recognized in this thread.

Great news on the mediation. Something finally rammed home. That update hadn't posted yet and overlapped my last one. That doesn't make her sensible or anything, but there just might be light at the end of the tunnel. Fantastic.

KingofNothing

It's inappropriate to suggest it, but I feel the need to buy you a beer and talk nerd shit. That's at least the tenth film reference I've recognized in this thread.

Am nerd, would appreciate it if you are in Northern VA. :)

It's based on 8 o'clock in the morning and I love the John Carpenter adaptation.

Great news on the mediation. Something finally rammed home. That update hadn't posted yet and overlapped my last one. That doesn't make her sensible or anything, but there just might be light at the end of the tunnel. Fantastic.

No it doesn't make her sensible, remorseful, reasonable, or anything - it MAYBE makes her realize that this is over and that we should do this as smoothly as possible.

'why can't we do this on our own'

Nope. Nope. Nope. That's like why don't we do our own dental work?

We met at the mediators office, it was less than 2 lawyers emailing each other at $75 per email.

She got a flat rate (for some reason I think it was a friend rate of $1600) so there were not long discussions on who got things, it moved a long expeditiously and we both got things we wanted and had to give up things we wanted.

ETA- one good thing the mediator did was ask if something had an emotional value, a monetary value or both. It made me think about what some things meant to me.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:02 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

MickeyBill2016

Nope. Nope. Nope. That's like why don't we do our own dental work?

Dude, she brought up her sister as an example. The men in her sister's life are deadbeats (mostly, there's one that's an okay guy) that don't pay child support and constantly let her down.

Not a great example to use. I said to her that I was looking out for both of us - if we get this done then the other one can't just take the kids and paddle to New Zealand.

We met at the mediators office, it was less than 2 lawyers emailing each other at $75 per email.

...Okay, well, my mediator is $350 an hour... That was about $100 off of the other ones I found.

She got a flat rate (for some reason I think it was a friend rate of $1600) so there were not long discussions on who got things, it moved a long expeditiously and we both got things we wanted and had to give up things we wanted.

I think that's how this will flow, to be frank.

Good, keep it going to mediation, the document becomes official and is part of the divorce.

Sort of prevents the "he said/she said" or "you tricked me" arguments. While this meeting is very important to you and the STBXW it is just the Tuesday at 1:30 appointment for the mediator. And that is a good thing.

MickeyBill2016

Good, keep it going to mediation, the document becomes official and is part of the divorce.

Yup, that's what I'm aiming for.

Sort of prevents the "he said/she said" or "you tricked me" arguments. While this meeting is very important to you and the STBXW it is just the Tuesday at 1:30 appointment for the mediator. And that is a good thing.

Good point. The next few weeks are going to be hard (appointment is on the 18th of Feb) and I'm sure I'm going to feel like I'm 'stuck'. My son's birthday is on the 4th.

I have some decisions to make with regard to where I'm living. The good news is I just had my work appraisal and my boss is very happy with my work. So that's good. She knows a bit about what's going on. I decided to let her know because of one of the podcasts I've been listening to. I haven't told her the details, just a broad 'marriage is in trouble' kind of thing. She's been supportive.

My parents have been supportive and my best friend has really earned the title. It's amazing to me, really. Like, you don't ever really think about 'will your friends be there for you when you need it?'. It's in the back of your mind as a hypothetical, an 'of course', but when your world is shattered by another 'of course' (of course my wife wouldn't cheat on me!) everything becomes suspect. My friend has not let me down once.

Edit: Of course this place has been enormously helpful too - the support is really amazing.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 1:25 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

Good job. Keep going

Hard 180, with the exception of talking about the kids and money

Maybe talk to son and ask him if he would like to do anything special for his birthday, just you and him, or maybe you two plus daughter

Stay strong. Just be careful of the possibility of her pulling her head out of her backside and begging for another chance

Newlifeisgreat

Good job. Keep going

Hard 180, with the exception of talking about the kids and money

Yup, that's the goal now. Just got to make it to February.

Maybe talk to son and ask him if he would like to do anything special for his birthday, just you and him, or maybe you two plus daughter

I've already gotten him some stuff - and we will be going over to my mother's for his birthday. My wife won't be invited.

Actually, I bought him an expensive chess set for Xmas, it had 'dragon skeletons' on the bottom (he loves dinosaurs and such). Now I'm buying him individual Marvel pieces (spider-man as a 'knight', Ironman as a 'bishop', etc). It's expensive, but he loves the idea. Him and I play chess often. I've been mulling over whether or not to make the board 1/2 Marvel and 1/2 DC or just stick with Marvel...

Stay strong. Just be careful of the possibility of her pulling her head out of her backside and begging for another chance

My prediction is this: She continues to go to the Marriage Counselor, putting it on HER card or whatever. 2-3 weeks in she's 'made progress' and is 'genuinely' remorseful and will ask to stop the mediation.

My stomach turns just thinking about it. Such manipulation. As though she's Carter Burke knocking over the xenomorph stasis tube containing the face-huggers that will come and implant 'feelz' into my throat that will blow out my heart in the Summer when she ultimately betrays me.

Dang it double post

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 3:55 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

My stomach turns just thinking about it. Such manipulation. As though she's Carter Burke knocking over the xenomorph stasis tube containing the face-huggers that will come and implant 'feelz' into my throat that will blow out my heart in the Summer when she ultimately betrays me.

You're just showing off, now.

Here's a suggestion (off topic at the moment, but it's for your son). I live in the county next to yours. The library system will 3D print for free if you have a library card. I suspect your county does too.

If you check "chess sets" on Thingiverse Dot Com you will find a gazillion of them you could print out for him as a customized present. Just thinking out loud.

You can probably get a chess board at Huzzah Hobbies (right off the Loudoun Parkway) for pretty cheap.

Dad made this for me = Instant hero points. Worked for me as a kid!

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 5:32 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

One week from tomorrow is the last day of January.

You can make it.

Brief update - I didn’t engage.

I get home, she’s downstairs in her room. I feed the kids. Text her ‘fed the kids’. She says ‘ok’. I go upstairs and start watching The Abyss. Surprised that nothing happened.

Then she came up and in my room. Crying, apologizing, and trying to rewrite what I heard her say to the dick-pickle. She said that the Marriage Counselor told her to ‘work through her plans’. That’s what she was doing with Dick-pickle. 2 problems though, I’ll get to them later.

She said that she's 'trying to put him in a box, cause he's an addiction'. So she has to approach it like that. Lots of tears, lots of I don’t deserve you, lots of negative talk about herself.

I sat there silently. After she was done I said it's over you don't have to put him in a box. She cried & left.

2 problems:

1. The therapist said no contact with dick-pickle for 6 months.

So.... contacting dick-pickle to go over potential futures is kinda contradictory I think.

2. I heard her say this shit to dick-pickle on Sunday.

Her fucking individual marriage counseling session was on TUESDAY.

So, did she fucking ask Doc to borrow his time machine?

She’s trying to rewrite the narrative so she doesn’t feel as bad. She said during her explanation that I could ‘ask anyone’, her aunt, her cousin.... this time she didn’t bring up dick-pickle.

Cause if she had, I’d say ‘gimmie his number’ and she’d shut the fuck up right quick.

Anyway, like I said, I only said to her that it was over & there was no need to put him in a box.

Hi LostOne,

It sounds like you are no longer lost, as you now have a way out of this mess.

For what it is worth, I think your response was right. Let them have each other, and be gone before the big train wreck that lies waiting in their future. You don't need that crap.

And you don't need any more gas-lighting and time-shifting nonsense where your wife follows advice before she has even received it! My God, she really is detached from reality in almost everything she says.

You just need to be away from this. It is sad that it has come to this, but it has, and accepting that is the foundation of breaking free from all the pain it has brought you.

You are a good man, and a lot of us here are rooting for you.

TheLostOne2020,

Just my thoughts, consider if they are relevant:

1. So, the "DB" has been in her life since high school. In EVERY instance, she has protected him and put his feelings ahead of yours and your children's, in the MC session she said that:

she has broken up with him - the same as she's told me - and the therapist essentially said good and that if he tries to get in contact then my wife is supposed to tell him to lay off while we decide what to do. Fine, whatever, but I don't actually believe she's stopped talking with him. She's showing a lot of guilt/regret, but not a lot of remorse.

The therapist was essentially saying that my wife and I have 6 months - that there should be no contact. That we have to figure out if we can work together or go our separate way and that the boyfriend is interfering with that.

But she is still talking to him, trying to "work through her plans?" Writing on your behalf, "WTF?"

She shows NO remorse, only regret that she has to go through this process to make herself feel better (or to keep eating cake), until she is in a better position to leave you for him. How exactly does she define that "better position"? (Cash balance, better divorce terms, mitigate reputational damage, more blameshifiting and rewriting history?) You handled it pretty well. The only way you could have handled it better was to tell her to "GO AWAY!" the moment she walked into your room. However, I understand that you are trying to deploy honey, rather than vinegar, to get her to the mediator. You are entitled to that call.

2. As for the new Jeep. That is another WTF? She doesn't need it. There should be no major expenditures of marital assets until this shit-storm is revolved. Even if it is entirely paid for by her assets, will she still have 1/2 the purchase price in cash or other assets to give to you upon separation? Is this purchase so that she and DB can ride around in it as if they were back in high school? Wow.

She is right that she is (and has been) "addicted" to him. How long does it take to overcome an addiction? Possibly, a lifetime or never. You should not even consider taking her back until she can prove by words and actions that she is completely un-addicted. That is a pretty long bet with a very low possibility of winning. You know that.

PM me if you would like any more information about de-danderizing your parent's home or professionals in the area that can do it for you. For that matter, any rental property or other property that you may consider might need the de-danderizing as well.

Sending strength and support.