M1965
It sounds like you are no longer lost, as you now have a way out of this mess.
I'm not. I'm just struggling on the path I know I must take.
For what it is worth, I think your response was right. Let them have each other, and be gone before the big train wreck that lies waiting in their future. You don't need that crap.
And you don't need any more gas-lighting and time-shifting nonsense where your wife follows advice before she has even received it! My God, she really is detached from reality in almost everything she says.
She's following what she wants to believe, not what she's been told. She twists everything to support her narrative.
You just need to be away from this. It is sad that it has come to this, but it has, and accepting that is the foundation of breaking free from all the pain it has brought you.
You are a good man, and a lot of us here are rooting for you.
I do need to be away - I know that. Thank you for sending me strength. I just need to get through the next few months. It's hard. I fail all the time - I engage with her and I get upset.
Nothing will make me trust her again though. I need to get better at distance. THIS is my struggle and I'm sorry that you all keep telling me this and I keep engaging. I know it's not right of me. I know it's just a path to pain. I just cannot fucking stand her lying to me or others.
PassThis
Just my thoughts, consider if they are relevant:
1. So, the "DB" has been in her life since high school. In EVERY instance, she has protected him and put his feelings ahead of yours and your children's, in the MC session she said that:
Yes and no - there was a period of a decade where they didn't talk, but I mean, pretty much you are correct.
But she is still talking to him, trying to "work through her plans?" Writing on your behalf, "WTF?"
She shows NO remorse, only regret that she has to go through this process to make herself feel better (or to keep eating cake), until she is in a better position to leave you for him. How exactly does she define that "better position"? (Cash balance, better divorce terms, mitigate reputational damage, more blameshifiting and rewriting history?) You handled it pretty well. The only way you could have handled it better was to tell her to "GO AWAY!" the moment she walked into your room. However, I understand that you are trying to deploy honey, rather than vinegar, to get her to the mediator. You are entitled to that call.
I'll be honest, her story doesn't even come close to what I heard. She's maintaining that her individual counselor told her this plan nonsense. I said what about the promise you made to the marriage counselor? You know, the one that was supposed to fix us. Nothing.
She has no remorse - you are correct. She is a cake eater.
I need to tell her to GO AWAY. This is my biggest failing. I just need to get to the mediator. I need to stop engaging. I did engage again yesterday - I will post at the bottom.
2. As for the new Jeep. That is another WTF? She doesn't need it. There should be no major expenditures of marital assets until this shit-storm is revolved. Even if it is entirely paid for by her assets, will she still have 1/2 the purchase price in cash or other assets to give to you upon separation? Is this purchase so that she and DB can ride around in it as if they were back in high school? Wow.
Dude the Jeep thing is entirely nonsensical. She has a paid off car that runs. She works from home. Why get a Jeep with a monthly payment? Just so she's reminded of him? That doesn't even make sense - she still FaceTimes him every night.
So WTF?
She is right that she is (and has been) "addicted" to him. How long does it take to overcome an addiction? Possibly, a lifetime or never. You should not even consider taking her back until she can prove by words and actions that she is completely un-addicted. That is a pretty long bet with a very low possibility of winning. You know that.
Addictions are only possible to break if you want to break them. She does not. Much like how the heroin addict destroys all their loved ones, she is destroying me. Much like the loved ones of the heroin addict, I must stop enabling her, protect myself, and get away.
PM me if you would like any more information about de-danderizing your parent's home or professionals in the area that can do it for you. For that matter, any rental property or other property that you may consider might need the de-danderizing as well.
Fuck, will do. I've been really thinking about this. I was thinking of dropping a couple grand (or whatever) to have professionals come in.
Sending strength and support.
Thank you - I'm in the fight of my life for my sanity. I need it.
goalong
How can a person get addicted so strongly to another especially whom she knows is not trustworthy and a con? She may be telling the truth that she cannot help her addiction. Then she has to live with it. The moment you agreed to stay with her under these circumstances her natural tendency will be to indulge in her addiction and you will be on guard all the time.
He was her first. He cheated on her in High School and left her. I don't think she ever got over it. He's lied to her in this 'relationship'. She's lied to him too. It's a match made in Hell.
I cannot stay with her. I can barely get through the week as it is.
Else where you wrote how WW rejected you and moved away from you for many months while carrying on with POS. Only WSs with extreme detachment/dislike from BS do this.
Yes - ostensibly she moved to the room downstairs because of my snoring. That would have been valid, but she had already been talking with him at that point and possibly fucking him. I haven't gotten a clear timeline from her, so I'm kind of in the dark. I'm fully aware she resents me or doesn't value me. She only sees me as a provider and a father.
Possibly because he has repeatedly told her that he's not moving to VA in order to be with her. He's happy with their arrangement as is. How she cannot see this as a huge red flag I don't know. I'm glad that he continues to be the piece of watery shit that he's always been. It makes it easier for me in some ways.
Whatever she has for him has been very toxic to you marriage. From all that you have described so far her only reason to stay with you is your dependability and care for her and not any emotional attachment. Telling her what you told her is very good. It gave her a sense of finality. Until DDay she enjoyed her addiction while knowing a caring husband is at home. Now she has lost both as she does not have upper hand with her unreliable POS to enjoy cheating.
As far as I'm concerned our marriage is dead. I'm struggling for my mental survival at this point. I saw her text messages to her Aunt and her Godmother. She was SHOCKED that the mediator led to the divorce decree. She told her Aunt that she sat in silence while the mediator told her that our marriage was over.
Now it is better to keep things cordial and not to get in to long conversations and analysis/criticisms. Many a time when BS is ready to D, WS change and promise everything and start taking actions. As you saw in the latest update this may be already happening. This may put you in difficult circumstances with doubt and wanting to rethink at the same time.
I totally agree. I need support with this. It's my greatest failing. It's literally the only thing I'm ashamed of - that I'm having trouble controlling my tongue.
Marz
I’d have just said “I agree and I’m gonna fix that”.
I have to admit that the phrase 'Aw, look at little goblin jr. Gonna cry?' popped into my head.
Newlifeisgreat
Good job!
Now stay in control of the situation. Keep the hard 180!
Thank you - again, my biggest failing. I will keep trying.
Okay, so here's the update.
------Update:
Her God mother was talking to me last night. My wife had 'spun' her story and her Godmother is a good woman - naive, but good. She means well, but she's quick to believe. She believed my wife's version of events. I pointed out the problems in my wife's story. So I was chatting back and forth with her Godmother. I pointed out holes all day long to no avail. I eventually told the Godmother that it was enough and I would never trust my wife again.
Then I went on my kid's iPad, which kept a record of her texts to her Godmother. I revealed my hand. Probably shouldn't have done that, but whatever.
I said 'hi' to both of them, then said that my wife was misremembering things. I said that she truly didn't understand my pain and her flippant statement about my suffering to her Godmother (she said 'he's not dying' in a text to her Godmother) illustrates this. I said absolutely nothing justifies an affair. I said that:
Finally this isn't all about you - I've told you for weeks what it would take for you to help me navigate the damage you've done to me. You've done nothing. Instead you only think about 'douchebage' and yourself. As though you are entitled to hurt me with no regard for my feelings. So no, I will not regret leaving you because you do not actually care about me. You care about douchebag stroking your ego. I'm upset about that and you don't like that. You don't like that I'm angry - you clearly don't care that I'm hurt.
But hey, listen to your therapist - she's telling you what you want to hear [her personal individual therapist]. Don't listen to the marriage counselor because she's telling you to stop talking to the douchebag. Boo, you don't like that even though it's destroying your husband - but who gives a shit about that guy? He's only here so you aren't struggling as a single mother [she made this comment to her Godmother, that she was scared she was going to be a single mother].
Here's the thing, when you constantly lie to people (wife), that makes them not trust you. It makes them question everything. It makes them latch onto objective things - like text messages or overheard conversations. That person is looking for the truth. So when they find it, they hold on. Meanwhile the deceptive person struggles to remember what they said - because they've said so much to so many and they are afraid of saying the wrong thing which will unravel all of their lies. So they gas light (oh, husband is just angry and 'mishearing things'). They blame that person - suggesting that they are irrational (I can't talk to you when you're like this). They stall. They refuse to make the situation better - clutching at ANY rationalization so that they can continue doing the wrong thing (Husband is so demanding, too quick, can't he understand that I have no intention of ever cutting off the douchebag?). They feel entitled (Husband is a piece of shit, why I am I not entitled to fuck someone else? I'm only 41!). They are egocentric - my feelings are all that matter, husband isn't really hurt anyway. He's faking it. Besides, he deserves me putting him through Hell. It's not that bad anyway - afterall, douchebag makes me happy and that's ALL that is important.
--- She saw it this morning. She responded:
Every time I wake up and think I can do this (give you what you want) you beat me down. Is it that I’m moving too slow? That I’m being too cautious? That the universe is telling me that I shouldn’t? I really don’t know. I only know I can’t process these emotions under these awful conditions. When I wake up hopeful I’m instantly bashed. I came upstairs to try to just spend time with you and maybe hug you. I’m not lying.
If you could find some way of being peaceful with me I can find a way to give you what you need. I have taken steps on your list I just haven’t told you because I can’t talk to you right now. I’m scared of what you will say or do. You are terrorizing me. I can’t be open with you when I feel terrorized. I’m not lying.
I am unhealthy for me right now too. I am so sorry to be such a failure. I read what you wrote to Godmother and some of it is just not true and you know that it’s your anger talking. I hope deep down you know it. You have a twisted view of me and there isn’t much that can change that right now and it’s skewing everything but I am doing my best to not be the monster you think I am. I did a bad thing - a very bad thing. I am suffering too. What I want from you I can’t get and it kills me. I’m not lying.
----
I responded:
Wife your actions & words to others have made it clear you don’t want me. Let’s not pretend any further. You want peace & so do I. Let’s not pretend any longer that you want to be in this marriage.
It’s just upsetting. It just causes fights & anger. Let’s just get through the next couple of weeks. Maybe we can be friendly co-parents. I’m not angry right now - I’m seeing clearly.
&
This will hopefully be my last message on our relationship.
Please understand this. You blew a hole in our trust by your deception over the last four years. That was difficult enough, but we could have worked through it.
Over the last 23 days you have repeatedly destroyed the foundation of our relationship- beyond repair. My worldview is shattered- the one given, that my life partner was there for me & that I could trust her and put my heart into her has been irrevocably destroyed.
I am now damaged because of this. My self esteem shattered, my worldview destroyed, my trust demolished, the one truth I could hold onto - that you love & care about me is gone.
The past 23 days you’ve destroyed me. But I’m not dying I guess so it doesn’t matter.
---
She wrote:
I am devastated about what I did and I need the clarity you have. I wish I could be on your timeline. I don’t feel as if I ever deserve your forgiveness
You have been my best friend my whole life
And I have destroyed everything
----
[EDIT]: I didn't respond to this statement at all. Instead we had some chatter about non important stuff - kids, iphone, etc. I took that out - it was kind of ongoing through the conversation.
The only thing I believe that she said is that she destroyed everything.
I believe that because I have evidence of it.
As you can see I'm still massively struggling with not engaging. I'm trying, it's just difficult.
[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 7:35 AM, January 24th (Friday)]
