SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She's a podperson, doppleganger, or possibly a skinwalker. I'm not sure

Lost I'm sorry but I think you are very unfairly misrepresenting her. Can't you see that she is the victim? No? Maybe because its obscured by an outer layer of cake eater on top of a core of delusion.

More seriously, I appreciate your desire to stand on your own 2 feet but I would not rule out your parents as an option. I am younger than them but I upped my work so my wife could look after our granddaughters while our daughter and son in law got into a better financial position. We took it on as short term arrangement. That was 5 years ago. Its hard work chasing after a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old from 6 in the morning but I would not change it. Yes I need more sleep etc but I am wiser and more experienced now which we all see reflected in things like the 5 yr old excels at school and the 2 yr old is so confident. If you are close to your parents and can discuss things honestly please talk to your parents. Being with them might give your kids some stability and continuity and you some backup. Your parents may also really find its a new direction they didn't know they needed.

There is an old saying around here ‘not my monkies, not my circus’.

Keep repeating that to yourself and get the fuck out of dodge. You only live once.

TheLostOne2020,

Keep the 180 on "arctic zone". Stop talking to your WW. The 180 is to protect you from the nonsense she is spewing. At this point, she should be chasing you, begging you not to leave. If she says she can't decide, you tell her only that the decision has already be made for her.

Be the grey rock. In order to implement the grey rock method, a person needs to minimize conversations and verbal exchanges as much as they can. While interactions should always be avoided when possible, any contact should only relate to joint finances and children's needs. You should reply with minimal and short responses to limit further conversation. You should try to only provide one word answers without elaboration or opinion. You can utilize nonverbal responses such as nodding and smiling to avoid further engagement.

It is important that you use the grey rock method never provide any details regarding your personal life. It is critical that you do not communicate to your STBXW what you are doing without her. You should only respond with facts whenever possible, as facts are difficult to challenge or argue. You should stay away from discussing the past, as old arguments can be resurrected.

She is not the "chooser" or in control, at all. You have the control. It is your show now. SHE is not the prize. YOU are the prize. You can not be her Plan B. How could you live the rest of your life with the risk that another Plan A guy (or the same OM) will make her repeat this atrocity.

Always remember,

1. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate.

2. Your goal is to heal yourself and move away from infidelity.

3. Always have a VAR on you for your protection from a false DV accusation.

4. You have tremendous support from the SI crowd to help you get through this sh*tshow, in which YOU and your children are the victims.

Sending strength and support.

Hi There LostOne. Dont worry, you are still doing well.

Just remember, if you have a wife that still has feelings for the other man, who still shows him more concern than she does you, her husband, then you don’t have anything, and your only course of action that will get you out of this pain eventually, is to move on and legally end the marriage.

And that is what you are doing.

So you have made your point. No need to rehash. If she tries to talk more I’d just keep saying the same thing. “It’s clear to me you care about this man more than you do me, you now have your chance to be with him, I wish you well and hope you will be happy together (you don’t have to mean it), I’m moving on the heal myself, on my own”

And if she continues, follow it with, I have told you all I have to say, I will not discuss it any more.

LostOne, set a deadline in your mind as to when she needs to call the mediator. If it were me, it would be next Thursday, one week from today. Don’t ask her to do it anymore. You have made yourself clear. She’s a big girl, you don’t have to tell her more than 10 times. That was already 9 too many.

So tell your lawyer to have her served next Thursday. If she calls the mediator, then you can tell the lawyer to put the server on hold.

I would not engage her anymore. It does no good.

Someday she may have a change of heart. She may see the piece of shit for what he is. If she does, then she has Months of work to do on herself to become safe for any partner, let alone you. If she does that, great. If AFTER, yes AFTER, she does it she contacts you and you are in a place in your life to listen to what she has to say, then great, you can listen.

My hope you by then are into the next great love of your life with someone else.

But right now, she’s not that person and isn’t even trying to pretend to be. So stop responding. Kids and money, that’s all.

I wish you strength.

goalong:

Looks like she thinks she is the eventual chooser. She has no regard for you emotional well being, meaning she has no love for you. She is taking you in circles. I see lot of negative energy and stress for you in that long back and forth.

You are still in two minds (nothing wrong with that)but you need to take a clear stand as soon as possible since it seems like she is emotionally with the POS and consider you as a safety net as POS cannot be trusted.

Some time you need to accept what life give you and move on. Considering her continuing lack of emotional attachment to you for more than a year before and after Dday, it is unlikely she will change and keeping her around can be a burden.

Once you have taken a clear stand, it is better to avoid such back and forth interactions with her. Also if you decide on D, do not tell her whatever steps you may oy may not be taking. For someone who wants to save the marriage, her behavior is strange.

I think you are correct and probably on all counts. I am making as clear a stance as possible. I told her to call today or I will be calling my lawyer and this will be incredibly messy.

No, there is no chance of Maleficent suddenly gaining a soul and actually considering me. She is wrapped up in victim hood, her feels and been torn in an epic romantic struggle between what she needs and what she wants.... I'm paraphrasing but that's the shit she basically says.

She doesn't really want to save the marriage. Maleficent wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Marz

The only one who can keep you tied up in this is you.

I know this. I just want to save myself thousands of dollars. But I will do this through lawyers if I have to.

Yes the sense of entitlement here is amazing. The idea that after all of this she gets to choose and what, either of you would be lucky to have her? You're doing the right thing. Letting her know that you have chosen. It's no longer up to her.

Good luck to you. You're going to come out of this fine.

Yeah, even today she's pulling this shit through text. I told her that I was done and that if she doesn't call the mediator today I'm calling the lawyer and things will get nasty. The house will be lost, the kids won't be able to go to their school, etc.

She says she will call, but I believe that as much as I believe that I can shit golden waffles and piss maple syrup.

hansvoleman

Lost I'm sorry but I think you are very unfairly misrepresenting her. Can't you see that she is the victim? No? Maybe because its obscured by an outer layer of cake eater on top of a core of delusion.

Indeed she is - why should she give a shit about me when her feelz are so conflicted?! I'm calling her Maleficent, but in fairness, I haven't seen that movie...So I hope it fits.

More seriously, I appreciate your desire to stand on your own 2 feet but I would not rule out your parents as an option. I am younger than them but I upped my work so my wife could look after our granddaughters while our daughter and son in law got into a better financial position. We took it on as short term arrangement. That was 5 years ago. Its hard work chasing after a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old from 6 in the morning but I would not change it. Yes I need more sleep etc but I am wiser and more experienced now which we all see reflected in things like the 5 yr old excels at school and the 2 yr old is so confident. If you are close to your parents and can discuss things honestly please talk to your parents. Being with them might give your kids some stability and continuity and you some backup. Your parents may also really find its a new direction they didn't know they needed.

I'm not ruling them out - I've gotten a lot of good advice here and, to be frank, if we go the lawyer route I might have to bite the bullet and move in with them.

Sharkman

There is an old saying around here ‘not my monkies, not my circus’.

Keep repeating that to yourself and get the fuck out of dodge. You only live once.

Was my monkey, then Star Labs and Eobard Thawne unleashed dark matter and created Gorilla Grod. I ain't the flash, so I need to duck and cover.

PassThis

Keep the 180 on "arctic zone". Stop talking to your WW. The 180 is to protect you from the nonsense she is spewing. At this point, she should be chasing you, begging you not to leave. If she says she can't decide, you tell her only that the decision has already be made for her.

It's hard when I REALLY REALLY want her to call the mediator. IT's really hard.

Stevesn

Hi There LostOne. Dont worry, you are still doing well.

Thank you man, I appreciate it. I feel like I'm in a war zone and Maleficent is throwing poop grenades at me.

Just remember, if you have a wife that still has feelings for the other man, who still shows him more concern than she does you, her husband, then you don’t have anything, and your only course of action that will get you out of this pain eventually, is to move on and legally end the marriage.

And that is what you are doing.

Exactly. I think I've accepted this.

So you have made your point. No need to rehash. If she tries to talk more I’d just keep saying the same thing. “It’s clear to me you care about this man more than you do me, you now have your chance to be with him, I wish you well and hope you will be happy together (you don’t have to mean it), I’m moving on the heal myself, on my own”

And if she continues, follow it with, I have told you all I have to say, I will not discuss it any more.

I'm basically there.

LostOne, set a deadline in your mind as to when she needs to call the mediator. If it were me, it would be next Thursday, one week from today. Don’t ask her to do it anymore. You have made yourself clear. She’s a big girl, you don’t have to tell her more than 10 times. That was already 9 too many.

Hm, well your timeline is a lot slower than mine. I told her I wanted her to call the mediator today.

So tell your lawyer to have her served next Thursday. If she calls the mediator, then you can tell the lawyer to put the server on hold.

I would not engage her anymore. It does no good.

Will do.

Someday she may have a change of heart. She may see the piece of shit for what he is. If she does, then she has Months of work to do on herself to become safe for any partner, let alone you. If she does that, great. If AFTER, yes AFTER, she does it she contacts you and you are in a place in your life to listen to what she has to say, then great, you can listen.

Dude, even besides this shit-stain she has so much baggage she could be an airport. She is unwilling to work on any of it and I'm tired of being hit by the careless baggage handlers. I'm so damned tired. I know my journey is just beginning though.

My hope you by then are into the next great love of your life with someone else.

Thank you man, I appreciate it.

But right now, she’s not that person and isn’t even trying to pretend to be. So stop responding. Kids and money, that’s all.

I wish you strength.

Thank you.

I feel horrible for you. It really doesn't sound like she cares for your feelings at all. I think now you really just need to focus on you and your future. I would get the lawyer moving and I would quit talking to her as much as possible. I would ignore her text and just deal with the basics. I would show her I was no longer a option for her.

I am really sorry you are having to go through this.

I feel horrible for you. It really doesn't sound like she cares for your feelings at all.

Thanks and no, she really doesn't. She is self-absorbed. I may have mentioned it, but I finally figured out who she has become. She's become the douchebag. Utterly self absorbed and can only recognize her own wants and needs and feelings. She cannot empathize with anyone else, well, maybe the kids (?), but certainly not me. I am but a pawn in her game. A piece to be used and moved and then discarded when appropriate.

I think now you really just need to focus on you and your future.

I am. I'm laser focused on it now.

I would get the lawyer moving and I would quit talking to her as much as possible. I would ignore her text and just deal with the basics. I would show her I was no longer a option for her.

Thanks. I know this is the right move. Seriously. I just want her to contact that fucking mediator SO BAD right now that I get sucked in. I know it's hopeless.

I am really sorry you are having to go through this.

Thank you.

On another note, through text, she was claiming that she would never do what I heard her say (string me along for 6 months or 6-8 years). That I could 'ask anyone', that I could ask the cheating douchebag, her aunt, her cousin.

I said fine, give me his number.

Radio fucking silence. She can take her gas-lighting goblin tactics elsewhere. Fucking evil incarnate.

Maybe I've missed it, but why is it important that she call the mediator?

Take control. Call the mediator yourself. She's not going to do it. She benefits from dragging her feet. You don't.

Make the call.

Maybe I've missed it, but why is it important that she call the mediator?

Take control. Call the mediator yourself. She's not going to do it. She benefits from dragging her feet. You don't.

Make the call.

A mediator works in the interest of both parties. Not me and not her. So it's imperative that both parties reach out to the mediator in order to show interest and the ability to work with the person.

I've already reached out to the mediator, given her my number and told her what dates I'm available. She explicitly told me that my wife has to call and basically agree.

The whole mediation process is something like 5k in total. Lawyers would be 20-60k.

I see. Have you seperated your finances yet?

Maybe filing for,at the very least, legal separation, would be the safest thing for you. Otherwise, she can apply for credit cards,take out loans, rack up bills, etc, that you will be partially responsible for.

I see. Have you seperated your finances yet?

Mostly. Our finances have always been mostly separated. That said, I opened up a new account - I'm waiting on the card and all that.

Maybe filing for,at the very least, legal separation, would be the safest thing for you. Otherwise, she can apply for credit cards,take out loans, rack up bills, etc, that you will be partially responsible for.

Good point. I'm probably going to be speaking to my lawyer tonight, so I'll bring it up.

TheLostOne2020,

Whatever comment/suggestion that I offer, I certainly do not mean, at all, to criticize, if that is the way that you read it. I am only posting here to provide 100% support. Please take what you need, and ignore the rest.

That being said, I don't think that you can "nice" her to see the mediator. She has to believe that it is in her best interest to do it. She will not go to the mediator as a favor to you. The only way to have her go is that the alternative to her is seen clearly not to be the better path for her. POSSIBLY, the arctic zone 180, is the means to achieve that. It significantly narrows her options and adds significant uncertainty as to her ability to control the situation, if at all. HOWEVER, if you think that your possibilities are improved by a different tact, I am 100% is support of your approach. How you feel about what you are doing rules.

Your whole situation is hard. Everyone on SI knows that for sure. I can only write that many/(most?) on this site have been there and survived (actually do a whole lot better than just survived). I always think about Churchill's quote, "When you are going through hell, keep going."

Sending strength and support.

Thanks for your responses LostOne.

Just to clarify, I was saying set a deadline in your mind to tell the lawyer to have her served if she doesn’t call the mediator. There is no need to tell this deadline to your wife.

If I could wave a magic wand and have you stop telling her to “call the mediator” I would. You’ve told her. Now stop telling her.

It will be what it will be. Set up the paper serving. Yes it may cost more. But if she gets them then maybe she’ll realize that and call the mediator.

Stop hand holding her in this process. Stop communicating with her on anything she says. Don’t respond. You’ve said it all. You don’t have to keep saying it.

If she says, “I really didn’t mean it when you heard me tell the AP that I love him and can’t wait to be with him in 6 months”. Don’t respond! Walk away. Don’t text back. Don’t say anything.

Only respond if it’s about paying a bill or taking your kid to an appointment. Be done with that.

It’s not helping. If she wants to start doing the work, she will start doing the work, and nothing you say will make her. It’s what you stop saying that will make her realize what she is losing.

And I know it’s hard, but resign yourself right now to the fact that she doesn’t want to do that work so you might as well start moving on.

I’m pro-R when both parties are doing the right things to make that happen. You don’t have that right now, so no other path to take. Make yourself stop responding and you will find the detachment you start feeling is healing in itself.

Sorry to be so blunt.

A mediator works in the interest of both parties. Not me and not her. So it's imperative that both parties reach out to the mediator in order to show interest and the ability to work with the person.

I've already reached out to the mediator, given her my number and told her what dates I'm available. She explicitly told me that my wife has to call and basically agree.

The whole mediation process is something like 5k in total. Lawyers would be 20-60k.

So she gets to wait out the 6 months if she wants to? Or longer?

TheLostOne2020,

Whatever comment/suggestion that I offer, I certainly do not mean, at all, to criticize, if that is the way that you read it. I am only posting here to provide 100% support. Please take what you need, and ignore the rest.

No worries, I know you have the best intentions at heart.

That being said, I don't think that you can "nice" her to see the mediator. She has to believe that it is in her best interest to do it. She will not go to the mediator as a favor to you. The only way to have her go is that the alternative to her is seen clearly not to be the better path for her. POSSIBLY, the arctic zone 180, is the means to achieve that. It significantly narrows her options and adds significant uncertainty as to her ability to control the situation, if at all. HOWEVER, if you think that your possibilities are improved by a different tact, I am 100% is support of your approach. How you feel about what you are doing rules.

This is true - I've pointed out that if it's not the mediator then the house will be sold, the kids will go to new schools, I will file for divorce her for fault (adultery/alienation of affection) and that she will be bankrupt.

It's like she's completely paralyzed when it comes to me. It's fucking bizarre.

Your whole situation is hard. Everyone on SI knows that for sure. I can only write that many/(most?) on this site have been there and survived (actually do a whole lot better than just survived). I always think about Churchill's quote, "When you are going through hell, keep going."

Sending strength and support.

Thank you - I very much appreciate it. I cannot get stopped in Hell.

ON another side note, she was trying to fly the separate under one house thing - more stalling. I told her that ship has sailed.

I'm not interested in anything other than mediation, moving out, or lawyers.

In my opinion, mediation could be a mistake in this particular case. A mediator's job isn't to make sure that each party gets what they're entitled to. A mediator's job is to get the two parties to agree. All this does is open the door to further stalling and manipulation on her part. Even if the attempts at manipulation are transparent and ineffective, they will still waste time (read: money) and wear on your psyche.

Of course if you file traditionally, with your own lawyer, the court might still order mediation. That's what happened in my case. However my own lawyer (and hers) was present to advise me of what I was legally entitled to, what conditions a judge was likely to accept, and to suggest compromises that still protected my best interests. The mediator was there mostly as a facilitator. Under that framework, the whole thing was hammered out in one 8 hour session. Knowing what you know about your wife, do you see yourself getting an acceptable agreement in 8 hours? I suspect not.

TheLostOne2020,

You might consider engaging your lawyers, but instruct them that you want to go through the mediation channel. Ask them how they can help you get to mediation. That would help you save on fees and have them, in the background, as the big stick.

If the lawyers are not cooperative, try to find other lawyers. The mediation track is often used in many instances to save the court system from being overloaded and is not specific to the divorce process.

Sending strength and support.

Stevesn

Thanks for your responses LostOne.

Just to clarify, I was saying set a deadline in your mind to tell the lawyer to have her served if she doesn’t call the mediator. There is no need to tell this deadline to your wife.

Fair enough.

If I could wave a magic wand and have you stop telling her to “call the mediator” I would. You’ve told her. Now stop telling her.

It will be what it will be. Set up the paper serving. Yes it may cost more. But if she gets them then maybe she’ll realize that and call the mediator.

Stop hand holding her in this process. Stop communicating with her on anything she says. Don’t respond. You’ve said it all. You don’t have to keep saying it.

I know you are right. My wife is the type of person who will ignore an issue though. You are right though, I know I'm going to have to call the lawyer. UGH.

If she says, “I really didn’t mean it when you heard me tell the AP that I love him and can’t wait to be with him in 6 months”. Don’t respond! Walk away. Don’t text back. Don’t say anything.

Only respond if it’s about paying a bill or taking your kid to an appointment. Be done with that.

It’s not helping. If she wants to start doing the work, she will start doing the work, and nothing you say will make her. It’s what you stop saying that will make her realize what she is losing.

No, it's not, it's only feeding into things. You are right.

And I know it’s hard, but resign yourself right now to the fact that she doesn’t want to do that work so you might as well start moving on.

I’m pro-R when both parties are doing the right things to make that happen. You don’t have that right now, so no other path to take. Make yourself stop responding and you will find the detachment you start feeling is healing in itself.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Don't be, it's okay. There is no reconciliation here. She's absolutely not interested in it. She's only interested in maintaining her cake eating.

That's it.

thatbpguy

So she gets to wait out the 6 months if she wants to? Or longer?

Not quite sure what you mean. She certainly wants to wait 6 months. I want her to call the mediator and we schedule this shit and get it done in February.

I think her ideal plan would be for me to provide for her while she secretly keeps her affair going on until the kids are out of school. Then ditch me and go live with him.

PlanNine

In my opinion, mediation could be a mistake in this particular case. A mediator's job isn't to make sure that each party gets what they're entitled to. A mediator's job is to get the two parties to agree.

While that's true, the mediator (the one I've been dealing with) is also a lawyer and has to make sure that we are both aware of what we are agreeing to, giving up, and all that.

All this does is open the door to further stalling and manipulation on her part. Even if the attempts at manipulation are transparent and ineffective, they will still waste time (read: money) and wear on your psyche.

This might be the case. We will see.

Of course if you file traditionally, with your own lawyer, the court might still order mediation. That's what happened in my case. However my own lawyer (and hers) was present to advise me of what I was legally entitled to, what conditions a judge was likely to accept, and to suggest compromises that still protected my best interests. The mediator was there mostly as a facilitator. Under that framework, the whole thing was hammered out in one 8 hour session. Knowing what you know about your wife, do you see yourself getting an acceptable agreement in 8 hours? I suspect not.

I no longer know. I thought I did, but I don't.

PassThis

You might consider engaging your lawyers, but instruct them that you want to go through the mediation channel. Ask them how they can help you get to mediation. That would help you save on fees and have them, in the background, as the big stick.

If the lawyers are not cooperative, try to find other lawyers. The mediation track is often used in many instances to save the court system from being overloaded and is not specific to the divorce process.

Sending strength and support.

This is an interesting idea. I think I will try that.

Lovely mother you have there. Planning on ditching the kids?

She’s gone mentally/emotionally. Money and convenience are what are keeping her there. You are experiencing passive aggressiveness 101. Get the lawyer to serve her and get the divorce. The fresh air will smell wonderful.