SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

sorryforeverythi

I don't know if I can post it, I should probably read the rules but it was by a dude named Eddie Corbano.

I also have been watching a lot of youtube videos lately.

One of them kind of stuck out and he said,

"Good relationships last, bad ones break. If your's broke it was a bad one, and being in a bad relationship is bad.

Sage advice. I know that I wasn't perfect, but I also know that I'm willing to work and do what I have to.

My wife was not and has never really been like that. So yeah, our relationship was a bad one in hindsight and she's made it thoroughly toxic.

I was in a bad relationship it broke. It won't be fixed. I am telling myself to accept it so I can move on. I can still love her but I need to accept that loving her in my past is better than trying to find a way to hold on to her. I accept that it's over. That might help you.

I hear you - I'm in a broken relationship that will not be fixed. I'm putting my tools down and walking away. Going to go to the store and pick up another one when I'm ready.

I think that will/does help. I think I also will compartmentalize my wife - the person she was is no longer here. She's someone different now - someone I cannot be married to and should have as little to do with as possible.

I am not a shrink but I read a lot about all this crap.

Don't compartmentilze her, just accept its over, look back and learn the lessons.

She might have been your soulmate but people don't understand what a soulmate does. A soulmate isn't supposed to be the one you stay with forever, a soulmate comes into your life to teach you a lesson and once the lesson has been taught they leave because they have served their purpose.

Look at the relationship and learn your lessons, if you don't you next relationship will try to teach you the same lesson.

Everyone has issues, fix yours and find your next partner that is worthy of you. Watch out for red flags and call them out when you see them or bail. It's a gift she has given you.

Right now at this very moment there is a woman or man depending on what you what, that is living and breathing and living their life just waiting to met you.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 8:34 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

Ugh, the mediator lady just responded to me. She said that the process typically takes 8 weeks. That puts me in April since this shit starts on Feb 18th. I sent a follow up question of whether or not I could move out before then. I think that it would be strained and I doubt that she's going to tell me it's a good idea.

FUCK.

Ugh. I can do this though.

What a pain in the ass.

sorryforeverythi

I am not a shrink but I read a lot about all this crap.

Don't compartmentilze her, just accept its over, look back and learn the lessons.

Fair enough.

She might have been your soulmate but people don't understand what a soulmate does. A soulmate isn't supposed to be the one you stay with forever, a soulmate comes into your life to teach you a lesson and once the lesson has been taught they leave because they have served their purpose.

That's a good way of looking at it.

Look at the relationship and learn your lessons, if you don't you next relationship will try to teach you the same lesson.

Yes - I'm not going to put up with quite as much shit in my next relationship.

Everyone has issues, fix yours and find your next partner that is worthy of you. Watch out for red flags and call them out when you see them or bail. It's a gift she has given you.

This seems reasonable.

Right now at this very moment there is a woman or man depending on what you what, that is living and breathing and living their life just waiting to met you.

Good point - although I think I'm going to be single for a while. Concentrate on my kids, myself.

Yeah I felt the same way, I was going to go the J. Paul Getty route.

But working on yourself is great but we are meant to be pair bonded so give it time you might change how you feel or not.

It's at your pace not anyone else's. There isn't a one size fits all solution to all this crap we have to put up with but you will eventually.

Keep at it.

sorryforeverythi

Yeah I felt the same way, I was going to go the J. Paul Getty route.

But working on yourself is great but we are meant to be pair bonded so give it time you might change how you feel or not.

It's at your pace not anyone else's. There isn't a one size fits all solution to all this crap we have to put up with but you will eventually.

Keep at it.

Thanks. I've been listening to a lot of music today. Lacuna Coil, mainly, it helps.

If you're in a musical mood The Mountain Goats have 3 songs that would resonate with just about everyone here: No Children, This Year, Love Love Love.

They're a trip, but always end up feeling right.

I've never heard of them - I'll have to look them up.

I've never heard of them - I'll have to look them up.

Yeah, the Mountain Goats. One b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d group.

Thankfully no new 'drama' texts or anything. Just the business of living type stuff.

I was sad this morning and I'm still kind of melancholy now. I went through the motions of working out and then putting on my laundry and all that. I just kind of accepted it. So that was good - no texts or confrontations or anything. I figure I'll have these swings for a while. Hopefully less intense than they were the last few weeks.

I've been thinking a lot about when I get out. Granted my plans have suffered a bit of a set back, but still, I've got to keep trucking. I feel like the protagonist in the long walk sometimes. There's that one kid who is trailing behind me, but that's it. I just have to outlast him. Then I can make my 'wish'.

One thing that kind of stinks - but I will check into it - is that I don't think my Gold's membership transfers to the Gold's near where I will be living shortly. It's not a huge deal, but it's irritating. I have access to three Gold's, but not that one. I could pay more (of course!) and have access to all Gold's everywhere.

I think I maybe mentioned this, but I picked up some little MMA boxing gloves - just to protect my knuckles when I hit the bag. So I have wraps and gloves now. Hopefully I'll be able to keep the skin on my knuckles.

My wife's sister was over yesterday - I interacted minimally through text with her. She has a bunch of stuff going on in her life that is consuming her focus, and rightfully so. Her 18 year old son is in a lot of legal trouble. I offered to buy her some food, but she didn't take the offer.

Today my wife (STBXW, right?) supposedly goes to therapy - but since I noped out of that I'm a little curious to see if she continues. I'm guessing she might continue with her IC, just because she twists what her IC has to say as opposed to the MC, who specialized in trauma who did not tell her what she wanted to hear. Whatever. I know that each passing day my 'interest' in these sorts of things will wane and when I'm out they will wane a lot more.

So that's my update.

On a side note, something I've been thinking about a lot lately. My wife's father was a horrible human being. He repeatedly raped her older sister and pretty much beat everyone in the family. The mother was constantly leaving him and coming back. At one point they all moved to another state with her mother and some man she had met. He served several years in prison and then got out.

My wife's mother visited him once or twice - 'to give him his wallet' or something. I heard this third hand, so I don't know. I know that the father remarried someone with my wife's name. So now there is a woman out there with my wife's exact pre-marriage name. That's absolutely weird. He lives in the same state, a few hours away.

The reason I bring this up is because I've been thinking about - outside of the affair and the garbage morality my wife has displayed with regard to that - there are other incidents where her morals seem obviously questionable to me. I wanted some outside input on this.

So, my wife has had a correspondence with her father, maybe a little before her mother died - but I think it was after. I know she stated to me that she was talking to him to 'keep tabs on him'. I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea and that she should cut contact. People don't change.

He's apparently said some derogatory things about her sister - but I never really got a straight answer out of my wife about what he said. She's not really the honest, full disclosure, type I guess.

I know that she fucking told him that we have kids and she may have shown him pictures. That royally pissed me off and I think I may have threatened to get a restraining order against him at the time. It's been so long that I can't remember.

Anyway, I'm thinking that my marriage goggles clouded me with regard to this. I think this was a much bigger deal than I admitted to myself.

What do you all think?

i don't know what question you are asking. If he abused her sister than he probably abused her. If she is in contact with him she might have a high regard for him because of the abuse and she might feel a special connection to him.

I don't know, that is messed up any way you look at it.

It sounds like you wife is a loser, her son has followed in her footsteps and her inability to make a decent decision seems chronic.

Run far, far away from this entire shit show.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 7:33 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

sorryforeverythi

i don't know what question you are asking. If he abused her sister than he probably abused her. If she is in contact with him she might have a high regard for him because of the abuse and she might feel a special connection to him.

I think I'm asking if I should have taken it more seriously - maybe left or threatened divorce or whatever when I found this out, years ago. The father did abuse her (violently) but he was 'in love' with the older sister. Wrote notes and other disgusting shit. Maybe he sexually abused her too, but I've never gotten that sense. But what do I know?

I don't know, that is messed up any way you look at it.

Yeah, it is.

It sounds like you wife is a loser, her son has followed in her footsteps and her inability to make a decent decision seems chronic.

I might have been confusing - my wife's sister's son is in trouble with the law. My wife's son is my son too and he's 8. So he's not the one running from the law. Sorry for the confusion.

I do think there's some seriously fucked up decision making in that family.

Run far, far away from this entire shit show.

Yes, this is my plan.

Definitely sounds like there is some stuff there with her dad that needs to be worked out with her IC and of course it could have an impact on the "why" of her Affair. Doesn't mean you have to put up with the behavior by any means and in the end it isn't your problem any longer.

I think knowing this history I would take steps in the Divorce to ensure that your children cannot be taken around the man. I'd give my attorney the history and get something into the agreement. Once you are not around your STBXW may reconnect more closely with her loser dad. The only thing keeping that from happening now may be you.

I might have been confusing - my wife's sister's son is in trouble with the law. My wife's son is my son too and he's 8. So he's not the one running from the law. Sorry for the confusion.

Unless your son is a real prodigy.

I do think there's some seriously fucked up decision making in that family.

Which is why someone has to demonstrate to your son what a mature adult is. Someone has to hold it down. Surprise! that's you. Believe me, I've been there too. It's never easy, but your son will appreciate the stability years later, as my kids did.

God created Arrakis to train the faithful...

Stay strong!

beenthereinco

Definitely sounds like there is some stuff there with her dad that needs to be worked out with her IC and of course it could have an impact on the "why" of her Affair. Doesn't mean you have to put up with the behavior by any means and in the end it isn't your problem any longer.

Indeed - I'm not sticking around for any further abuse. I've had my fill - I know there will be some more in the days/weeks to come.

I think knowing this history I would take steps in the Divorce to ensure that your children cannot be taken around the man. I'd give my attorney the history and get something into the agreement. Once you are not around your STBXW may reconnect more closely with her loser dad. The only thing keeping that from happening now may be you.

That's kind of what I'm thinking, actually.

If she continue to press the need to keep the marriage intact without her apparent closeness to you, You can ask her why she could not give you the cheat sheet/her requirements for making the marriage better before her cheating

KingofNothing

Unless your son is a real prodigy.

Lol, let's hope he's not a prodigy in that direction!

Which is why someone has to demonstrate to your son what a mature adult is. Someone has to hold it down. Surprise! that's you. Believe me, I've been there too. It's never easy, but your son will appreciate the stability years later, as my kids did.

God created Arrakis to train the faithful...

Stay strong!

First, my Dune references are shaky. I haven't eaten the spice recently....

But yeah, you are correct. I have to be the rational mature adult. I pretty much am, generally speaking. My wife has always had a worse and more easily flipped temper than I have.

goalong

If she continue to press the need to keep the marriage intact without her apparent closeness to you, You can ask her why she could not give you the cheat sheet/her requirements for making the marriage better before her cheating

Nice, fair point.

Her requirements would be 'do all the work, make all the changes, I'm going to cheat anyway'.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 10:04 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

One good Dune quote that is very applicable to your situation:

“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.”

Sharkman

One good Dune quote that is very applicable to your situation:

“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.”

Reminds me of Camus and Absurdism. My favorite Camus quote:

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible Summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

~ Camus