Hellfire:
Let's break this down.
If your wife is NC,and has blocked him,how would she find out you told? Unless,of course she is still messaging him,and in contact with him.
If I need to contact someone to buy something on Facebook, I find their name and I message them. Pretty simple. No contact doesn't mean he can't contact her if he wants to. If she finds out, it was clearly me, and then he would contact my wife.
Also, you are completely dismissing the fact that its extremely possible OM told his buddies. Cheating husbands often like to brag to their friends. They also like to show any sexy pics they got from their OW. One of his buddies could tell his wife. Or one of their girlfriend's will tell.
Nope. There is no way he wanted his wife to find out.
It's also extremely possible he didn't delete everything. Any idea how many WS here were caught, because they didn't delete
everything, and their BS found it?
It's also possible she will decide to look at the phone bill,and see your wife's number hundreds of times. Or she could find the charges for the hotel room.
This is all possible, granted.
If any of that happens, you should prepare yourself for the fallout. When BW find out everyone else knew,and the BH gave his permission (not an unusual thing, we've seen it here before), she tends to get very upset. She could post your wife on a homewrecker site. And you can not ask her to leave your family alone..because you lost that right.
Fair, but he doesn't know that I knew all along. And this is a symptom of all affairs surely.
As I said previously, I won't be telling the OBS so apologies for the triggering.
Ozzy I just wanted you to know that I had all the same reasons for not telling the OBS as you.
Want to guess what that got me?
A second D-day, 2 years later. Because the affair wasn’t properly blown up/outted, it was much easier for them to rekindle things a bit down the line when reconciliation got hard. When the marriage got hard again, he still had her to turn to, and she still had nothing to lose since her spouse didn’t know.
You think not telling protects your relationship, but the reality is that it makes it MUCH more vulnerable.
I blew it up the second time, shared with the OBS all of the info I had from both affairs (and apologized profusely), threw my husband out, and filed for divorce.
Know what happened then? My WS actually started to be honest in therapy, engaged HARD in it 2x weekly for 6 months while we remained separated and shared custody of our 3 young children. At that time I heard him out, what he had learned and been working on—- his "whys" for the affair as he understood them then— and was willing to consider reconciliation. He moved back in after 9 months, and we’ve been reconciled for 4 years now. Much happier marriage than the "first" one we had.
Save yourself the heartache of the second dday. It was awful and it changed me as a person. I needed 2 years of intense therapy to move through what happened in a way where I felt whole again, because the second dday was such a shock to my nervous system and brain in a way I can’t even explain. You don’t deserve that and neither does OBS.
Hope you can see that you’re opening yourself up to significantly more risk this way, even if you take the OBS’s right to know out of the equation.
Good luck of you.
Mamabear, thanks for this. An empathetic view of the situation. At this point we are not remotely reconciled. If I feel like we are getting to that point then further conversations will obviously be needed. I am only 3 months in at this point.
Edie:
The difference between desire and arousal is not for you to solve. Let’s see if she can find a more sensitive and empathic way of discovery on the matter and self growth. Her lack of curiosity in terms of the literature widely available concerns me
Which of course is what the 180 is about. Still not convinced you’re doing it with any consistency or commitment.
Part of me just wants to switch to private messages with you. I know you also want me to tell OBS but all of your posts are kind, calm and reassuring. I agree that the not wanting to look at literature is a problem. But she is in early days and lets see what her IC and CC bring. She is reading stuff, just wants to get there on her own rather than me badger her which I guess makes sense.
And Trdd - I agree that this is a great post.
I agree with Lurkingsoul12's post about the pick me dance on page 21. You started there, came out of it nicely but now would be well served by taking two more giant steps forward and concentrating on you. If there is any chance of your wife's head getting straight it will be helped by her seeing you as confident, healthy and strong.
She is witnessing another step from me at the moment. Yesterday rather than stew in bed I got up and went for a run. She is constantly in tears at the moment due to the bleakness of the future. I am calm and strong and when she says "can we get back to just being friends with each other for the sake of the boys?" I calmly say "well that isn't going to be enough".
Is that doing the 180 right? It feels right to me.
I have no idea about your wife regaining her passion but I can tell you that it is pretty typical for it to wax and wane over time in a long relationship. She may have broken, unrealistic expectations about what true love actually is. Many people think they need the type of sexual spark they had with a brand new relationship or the love is gone. That thinking is BS. Most people have to work hard to keep the fire stoked and most couples fail at some point in their marriage. Usually due to busy parenting and stressful jobs. ALL THAT IS NORMAL. Then posom comes along, hits on her in small ways and the EA starts. Now the sex drive is back but for him. That is how affairs operate. It does not mean true love, but she doesn't quite grasp that.
She does want something that isn't achievable, she is a perfectionist in that regard. She is aware of this flaw but the question is what to do about it? She understands that being alone will be miserable (and terrible for the boys). But getting those feelings back? Neither of us know if that is possible.
And it is the chicken or the egg. I mean shit, if she literally told you she doesn't even want to kiss you... then ask her this: was she feeling that way toward you before the EA started with this guy? Way back when they first began talking more intimately? Long before the sex? I bet she wasn't. Her passion had waned but she was still ok with you. Then it shifted to him, and that killed it for you because she really is monogamous. The Affair acclerated her lack of passion to a place she otherwise may never have gotten to without it. Plausible? Easily. Likely? I think so.
Yes, she was feeling that way years ago. I said earlier in the thread there were signs there that I didn't read. Sex was dutiful and had to be pushed for by me most of the time rather than her wanting to. Absolutely correct about the affair accelerating those feelings though. A shame it went this way but here we are. And as I said above, she will be noticing that I am calm and numb and going about my life while she is in bits.
I think people are beating you up about the OBS as if their personal lives depended on it. I've mostly stated my pov but I want to add that what some people said here and I hinted at earlier could very well be true... she is still in limerance over the posom. She is still pining for him and thinks that it was true love. You do have to take that seriously. Their last meeting was probably "we made a terrible mistake but I'll always remember our passion and connection. And "love" if they've been saying that. If that is the case, reconnection is possible and even if they don't, the connection is still present in her mind.
I get what you are saying here, but she knows it is done and is in such a state as she doesn't know if we can work things out / if she can gain those feelings back. Next weeks holiday will be a good test.
If all that is accurate and doesn't change over the coming weeks, then telling the OBS gains credibility from a "stop the affair" perspective.
Good point about the coming weeks. If she meets up with him behind my back or anything, then she will have cheated on me (remember, everything that has been done to this point has been discussed in advance and at length) and my whole mindset will be different.
Man, literally everyone here thought this. You're average, so please start accepting advice from people here who just lived a similar story.
bob7777 - you may have misunderstood my quote. I meant we are not like other couples in that I gave her my blessing to sleep with this guy. We were both excited by the prospect. Granted, I said I would rather not be in this situation in the first place but given the situation I was in, I came to be OK with the idea that she could have the fun she desired. Yes, that feeling went away for me very quickly but it was there.