SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m going to get hate for this but oh well, seeing as I am a Christian, I am called to love my wife the same way Christ loves us. Therefore I am choosing to stay and work it out for the sake of the house we built, our marriage and importantly our five year old son. Believe me, I’m completely broken but my family is more important than my feelings.

I'm not a religious man. I've read maybe half of the Old and New Testaments, as well as a scattering of other religions. I've read from plenty of folks who believe as you do. And while I may not have the same understanding of the Bible, I get the feeling that while God certainly frowns upon divorce, when it comes to infidelity... it sort of reminds me of Chris Rock's take on O.J. Simpon allegedly murdering his ex-wife. "I'm not saying you should get divorced, but I understand."

Either way...

The number one reason why people stay in a marriage affected by infidelity is young children. I've read that from various studies, most of which I don't completely trust. More so, however, is that you'll find such testimony right here on SI.

My son was barely 4yo on d-day. I couldn't blow-up his life. I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him every single day of my life. I couldn't bear the thought of stepfathers and stepmothers and all the shit that can come with that. And so I convinced myself that I could "take the hit," for his sake, because he was my first priority. God, friends, family... the opinions of others had nothing to do with it. Surviving infidelity is hard enough without adding pressure upon ourselves.

I certainly believe you when you write that you are "completely broken." Been there and done that, brother. In almost seven years on this site the one thing that never ceases to amaze me is how hard and how deep infidelity hits us all. Even the strongest and wisest among us will be brought down low.

Your first priority is to focus on you, your recovery and healing. We cannot function or make good decisions when we're completely broken. Forget about your marriage for a while, forget about reconciliation. Let God hold your hand while you find your way out of infidelity, recover and heal, and don't worry too much. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

You'll put yourself back together. It takes time and being mindful.

Speaking of which... you might find "Healing is a Choice," by Stephen Arterburn a good read.

Focus on you, man. At least until you're feeling a little less broken.

changed. I don’t know, but she admitted the worst and therefore I can start to believe what she says. Side note, I don’t know if the baby is mine yet or not, but if it’s not, I will raise that child as if it were my own because that child is innocent and that POS doesn’t deserve to have that child. Those that think this is a terrible mistake, just ask yourself, are YOU worth fighting for? Are YOU worth it? If you think yes, than my wife is worth it. We are not defined by our mistakes. I’ve certainly made plenty of those. Again, I’m in terrible pain, hurt and completely numb. I know this won’t be easy but those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed.

You will get no hate for wanting to attempt reconciliation with your wife. But,you will get the hard earned wisdom of the members here.

You're plan is to nice her back,offer complete,immediate forgiveness, and rugsweep. And trust her.

Friend,that is a recipe for disaster.

You say who knows if she has changed. Everyone. Everyone knows she hasn't. Change takes time,and work. She was lying to you right up until she knew she was about to be busted by a polygraph. And you feel,because she told you some of the truth,you now have to start trusting her. That is illogical. She lied until she knew a machine was about to catch her. She didn't confess because she wanted an honest marriage,and you deserved to know. She is far from trustworthy.

As for the child. They deserve to know who their father is. They also deserve the knowledge of their medical background. And,in today's world of 23andme,the chances of them finding out IF you aren't their biological father, is extremely high.

Also,he may be a POS,but your wife chose to have unprotected sex with him. You don't get the right to play God here. He has a right to know if this is his child. You talk about being a good Christian. You are failing in this aspect.

Your wife needs to earn your forgiveness. She needs to work on being a safe partner. She needs to be tested for stds,stop drinking,drop the friends,and get a new job. She needs to stop lying. If you let all of that slide,you will have another dday. Being a former wayward is more than just not cheating. She's still very much a wayward.

And,asking a forum of betrayed spouses if we are worth fighting for..and comparing us to your wife..really? Yes..I'm worth fighting for. I've been a loving,honest, faithful, wife. I've not brought trauma and enormous pain to my husband. I've not betrayed my husband, and my child. You have it mixed up here. You shouldn't be fighting for your wife. She should be fighting for you.

This was not a mistake. A mistake is grabbing skim milk,when you meant to grab whole. This affair was thousands of choices. She chose this. All of it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:49 PM, Thursday, January 26th]

You can reconcile and forgive with all the release of Gandhi, Eva Kor, Desmond Tutu, Joseph, Jesus and Stephan, but…

If your WW doesn’t reconcile, truly, holistically reconcile with you and, especially, herself, there will be no definitive resolution, healing, and peace.

It’s really not up to you. You can forgive all you want and still be stuck in infidelity or, at least, in infidelity pathology and will never have peace, security, trust knowing that things were just swept under the rug, laying dormant, like Shingles, waiting for an opportunity to strike again, when life happens.

“Shingles doesn’t care”

It’s easier to forgive someone when you no longer have to live with them, harder yet when you do, and you haven’t truly reconciled.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:21 PM, Thursday, January 26th]

My best friend and I have labeled ourselves recovering evangelicals, though he was in deeper than me, working his way to a degree in divinity. We both keep the faith, but we are not in the box anymore. This has afforded me a diverse perspective. I do think the church does push people to forgive as a way of making the aggrieved party less of an annoyance. It gets them to shut up and fall back in line, so everyone can pretend to be happy.

Yes, you are called to forgive, but that does not mean you are called to keep your wife under any circumstances. You can forgive her and also send her on her way. You may want to look at diverse views on forgiveness before you offer it. I'd recommend Janis Spring's book How Can I Forgive You?

Edited to remove some false hope. Didn't read the whole thread before posting.

Paternity test for the new kid.

Full written timeline.

Polygraph to confirm.

Full electronic transparency.

IC for both of you.

Get two books:

"Not just friends" by Shirley glass.

"How to help you suppose heal from your affair" Linda MacDonald.

Sorry this happened to you.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:19 AM, Friday, January 27th]

I'm so sorry that you had to find us but glad that you did. This group is the best out there. Being a new BS, sometimes the advice can sound harsh at first, but it comes from experience of dealing with the trauma being a BS comes with. The reason it sounds harsh is bc the people here are giving you the reality of the situation your WW has put you in.. they are only the messengers.. they aren't sugar coating the situation like your WW is. That harshness youre feeling is your reality right now bc of your WW's decision to cheat. It hurts. And all of us know that hell you're going through right now. And the people here feel for you and will genuinely try to help you navigate the situation.

I first came here in 2019 after catching my husband sexting a coworker.

I am also a Christian. That's part of the reason I stayed as long as I did. There's a reason God states adultery as an acceptable reason for divorce.
It ruins everything He intended marriage and family to be. I also stayed bc we have 5 children that I wanted so desperately to have
that "together, beautiful family" I had always pictured for us.

You can find my whole story in the general section if interested. But long story short, in 2019 I came here bc I discovered sexts from a coworker. Was planning to leave. Discovered I was pregnant with our 5th child.
Stayed. Nothing changed. He kept telling me I was Problematic bc I wouldn't just "get over it". Never did any of the work. Gaslighting for years. Physically attacked me upon the last discovery this past December. Now we are divorcing.

I have realized I was never going to have that healthy, loving family I pictured with him bc he and i are not the same. For one, he is a cheater. I'm not. But more importantly he had no plans to change and proved that over an 11 year marriage and 5 children later.. We have completely different morals. Staying was causing my children to witness things I wish they never had and was causing them to feel unsafe, bc they were, but also they could feel the tension. The marriage was causing me to lose myself, and I wasn't able to be at my best even for myself, much less my kids or anyone else. That is a breakdown of my story.

No one will judge you for staying. Everyones situation is different. just a word of advice: regardless of what you choose, don't rug sweep the cheating. It will not help and will fester until it finally blows up in your face. Change has to happen in your marriage regardless of whether you're staying or separating. Rug sweeping is like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. Eventually you will bleed out. Best of luck to you.

And, asking a forum of betrayed spouses if we are worth fighting for..and comparing us to your wife..really? Yes..I'm worth fighting for. I've been a loving, honest, faithful, wife. I've not brought trauma and enormous pain to my husband. I've not betrayed my husband, and my child. You have it mixed up here. You shouldn't be fighting for your wife. She should be fighting for you.

<standing ovation>

Hi Cameron L,
Are you still with us? I know a lot of the advice and comments can be really tough to hear at first. You had another really big D-day last week. How are you holding up?

Thank you everyone for all the responses, advice and encouragement. I don’t know how to reply individually to a comment so I’m sorry for not answering your questions.

An update however, I’m holding up ok. Still living at home and working things out. A got another truth bomb that really hurt. I’ve managed to keep eating three meals a day even though I don’t want to. I’m exercising and hanging out with friends.

Tomorrow we take the paternity test and will get the results within seven days. I ask for your prayers that the baby is mine. Will give an update when I find out.

Thank you all.

Cameron, glad to see that you are hanging in and getting by.

A got another truth bomb that really hurt.

If you want to, could you please let us know what this "truth bomb" is?

That is the problem with Trickle Truthing. It is the gift that just keeps on giving. While I personally have not been the recipient of Trickle Truthing, I have read many others who say that each time they learn more details about what happened in the affair, that it sets their Discovery Day - D-Day - all the way back to Day 1. This happens even if it is many years later when they learn of the details.

For your sake, I hope you learn as much of the truth as possible as quickly as possible. I hope you don't have to go through much more of that. However, where she lied to you a lot until you threatened to take her for a lie detector test before she began telling you more about her cheating, I believe you are in store for a lot more TT.

Take care of yourself and try to live as healthy as possible. We are pulling for you.

May God answer your prayers that your child is biologically yours. I will be praying for that too.

I will pray for God to give you his peace and love. May this trial end soon for you.

God Bless You
Organic

Yes, that POS doesn't deserve to be the father of this child but does your wife deserve to be the mother of this child? Both these people committed same sin for same reasons. Both hurt and disrespected same person which is YOU. So Why does she get the pass and not him? Am not asking you to divorce your wife. But you are victimizing your wife here. This is a common thing many BS do. They blame AP and victimize WS and hope once AP is removed from the equation, both WS and marriage will be SAVED. It's not how things work. They remove one sinner from equation but other sinner is still there with same character flaw without going through reformation and consequences. This sinner is, knowingly or unknowingly, waiting for another sinner to come into equation. She needs to realize what she done is terrible thing. She should own it. She needs to reform herself and become a safer and deserving person to you and your child. Rational thinking and religious beliefs can go hand in hand. Don't be blind by the pain. You can forgive her all you want but will it change anything? Will it make her a safer and better person? Will it prevent her from cheating on you again? Forgiveness is the last stage of reformation path. Once person corrects their path, reform and redeem themselves, then they come to ask for forgiveness. Only then you forgive. Forgiveness at this stage is powerful. This has the power to absolve such person from their repented sins. Forgiving them even before they attempt to reform themselves is meaningless, powerless and inconsequential act.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 11:41 AM, Friday, February 3rd]

Just be very clear that the BIG issue in the room is not the paternity.
The paternity definitely can weigh in on your willingness to reconcile or divorce, but the REAL ISSUE is that your wife had an affair.
The REAL ISSUE is that you are put into a position where the child’s paternity can be an issue. The issue isn’t the pregnancy but the INFIDELITY.

You mention a truth-bomb…
Prenatal paternity tests aren’t common and most try to avoid them due to risk. I’m doing something I hate doing and that is assume (I prefer deductions…):
I’m going to assume the truth-bomb was that there was actual unprotected sex, so that the paternity IS a question.
That wouldn’t surprise anyone on this site. We did warn about trickle-truth. In my previous posts to you I emphasized the importance of truth and I suggested strategies to get the truth. I strongly suggest you go and reread those posts.

I want to emphasize this factor: If you decide to reconcile and if the child is not yours, you need to be content with this child not being yours, but being yours. You need to understand all the legal implications, the OM rights (if any), the consequences of the actions and decisions. I personally strongly recommend building on the truth – that includes the child being told the truth at some point in time.

I recommend that you think about this from all angles. Your perspective right now is that this will all get swept under the rug, and if it turns out the child isn’t yours you will make it yours.

Your wife cheated. There is a high likelihood that she will cheat again. There is a high likelihood that your marriage will have significant problems, which of course could lead to divorce - one of those problems being the rug sweeping of her A.

If you divorce, and the child is legally yours, you will become a single father to a child who is not biologically yours.

It all sounds fine and dandy to you now, because you assume you’ll remain married no matter what, but your belief that this will be the only outcome is highly unrealistic.

Praying the child is yours.

However, if the child is not biologically yours, you need to consider how the rest of this plays out. Eventually they will find out you are not their biological father. Even if you raised him,and they love you, they will want to know their biological father. That will mean bringing OM back into your life. Even if you never actually see him, he will be there. The child will want to talk to you about him. And you will have to contain your disgust. After all, if you love the kid, you won't want them to know you despise a part of who they are. They will also learn they were a product of an affair. It will be a very sad situation for everyone.

You may never intend to tell the child,if they aren't yours. With things like 23&me,and ancestry, they will find out. Or a medical issue will arise. Any number of things could happen,that would cause them to find out. I believe you will tell him. It's a huge thing to lie to your child for the rest of your life. You're a good man. And I don't think you could,or would,keep this from them.

So many complications. None of which are your fault. Such foolish,reckless choices a cheating spouse makes, that wreck havoc on everyone around them,for their entire lives.

To add to Hellfire's post, you also need to consider what you will do if the child isn't yours, OM finds out they baby is his, and then decides he wants to sue for shared custody and/or visitation. Your wife still works with OM and there is no reason to believe she's cut contact with him, so she will likely tell him about the outcome. Heck, OM might even figure it out on his own based on the timing of the pregnancy and whether or not the child bears a resemblance to him.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:48 PM, Friday, February 3rd]

You feel resolute in your decisions now but let me assure you, there are many emotions yet to come.

When we discover infidelity, more times than not, our overwhelming impulse is to re-establish the relationship that existed before the news. We are desperate for the life we had. And we falsely believe that by our will and tenacity and abiding love, that we can turn back the clock.

The sad fact is that your life is now in a million pieces and the process of healing is brutally arduous and alarmingly slow. Your wife dropped a bomb into the center of your family, and you’ve not yet discovered all the damage.

So, my suggestion is simple. You are miles and miles and miles away from any true clarity on this catastrophe your wife has brought upon your house. The ramifications will be far reaching for you and the children (I am not even referencing the paternity here) and will ripple through your life for a long time. You must take reconciliation off the table. You must. You deserve to have time to sort out this devastation she laid at your loving and trusting feet.

It’s one thing to be a good Christian and another to be a martyr and doormat.

Any pastor worth his salt will tell you that your wife is in desperate need of psychological help, that it will take years to get thru this and you need to talk to a professional counselor just to survive from day to day.

You don’t say what consequences she has had. So far, I only see her lying denying and crying. What is she doing about her alcohol problem?

And finally screwing around while drunk during pregnancy is a real destructive and selfish move. Have you thought thru whether you can live and raise two kids with someone so vile, who is also a deep level liar?

Don’t jump too fast into R. It gives her all the power and leaves you no leverage.

Glad to hear you're doing about as well as can be expected at this stage CameronL. Please know that it's okay to not be okay, and that healing from this is a marathon rollercoaster and not a race. Happy to listen or give suggestions if you find yourself struggling.

I'm really hoping the baby is yours. Keep us updated when you can.

Sorry to tell you this, but this is how the rest of your life will be of you simply look the other way and stay with her…ask me how I know.

I married one of those "church girls" too, and it meant nothing when she decided to cheat.

Even though I forgave and stayed, I now know I shouldn’t have, and have since escaped the the church matrix.

Luckily I live in a southern state where it’s common to have at-fault divorce (which I didn’t know then), and I now carry Thor’s Hammer in my tool kit at the ready if it ever happens again.

I suggest you drop the hammer regardless of where you live and get out now, so you can have a much better life with someone else in the future if you choose to.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 8:16 AM, Friday, February 10th]