SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Absolutely not. I can't imagine a scenario where I would turn to cheating as an option.

It would go against all of my morals, my values..How could I live with myself after doing that? How could I wrestle with the fact that all it would take is for me to feel wronged, and I could drop everything I once believed in?

I would be hurting myself the most. My partner could leave me, but I can't leave myself.

I am not a cheater.

But I miss feeling "in love" (limerance). I miss that something awful. I miss being an optimist and feeling sure of my family. I miss feeling like someone always has my back. I miss good sex. I miss being turned on. I miss the excitement of a new relationship and feeling heard.

I reconciled. We’re fine. But it’s been 23 years, and I miss excitement and passion. That is dead in me now, and another partner can’t bring it back, I think.

It’s just a natural death.

I used to get hit on all the time. Sometimes by people we knew.

I would always tell my H when it happened.

I hope it worried him a bit after the affair. 😂

I think he knew I would never act on those opportunities but I hope it let him know other people were interested.

No, I don't wish I'd had my own affairs. However, my WW is my only sexual experience and my only LTR with a woman in my life. We were high school sweethearts who got married very young. So I do at times wish I had a more experienced past. Not to have experienced sex with other women, but more just so I had said some of the things or similar things that I read my WW saying to AP, or that I had had sex with another woman and would be able to believe that she's not still thinking about AP with me or comparing me to AP. I feel like if I had been with other women at any point in my past, then I'd have a frame of reference for some of what she's now trying to convince me. If I could look in my own heart and know I had experienced sex with other women, and I knew that I wasn't comparing her to those other women and that she was totally safe and under no judgement from me, then I'd be able to tell myself it's possible that she's not comparing me to him and I'm safe. I mean, if I'm doing it, then it's possible, right? And in my head of course I know it's possible, but I sometimes wish I had the experience to KNOW it's possible by having lived something similar. I wish I could look back at how I told another woman how much I loved her and how it would never change and how she was my whole world, and not had that result in marriage like it did with my spouse. Then I could have something inside me understanding how it's possible to absolutely believe those things during the affair when she was in love with him, but not feel them now. My frame of experience is that when I said that stuff, it held up to be true forever. It's hard to truly understand her experience of having been head over heels in love with him, having proclaimed that love for him, all their sexual escapades, and her regretting all of that and saying it wasn't real. I've never experienced all that as false and with regret, so it's really hard for me to trust her remorse and understand that she truly feels shame and not thrills thinking back to their time together. When I think back to the wilder sexual experiences I've had, they were all with her, and I look back at all of them with a sense of thrill and excitement and smile. I don't regret any of them. So it's hard to believe her that she's not looking back and secretly smiling at what they shared.

I've never for a moment regretted not cheating. I would never want the guilt and shame of that. But I'm thankful that I had sexual experience prior to meeting my wife. We met very young and I was her first. If she had been my only experience and then she had gone on to have sex with others while I had no other experience I think resentment over that would have made R very difficult.

But now that I know that her boundaries and attitude toward our marriage were never as devout as mine, I do regret that I didn't push for a little more freedom.

When we first got married I took a job at a start-up in Florida. Since operations were not yet fully underway my co-workers often enjoyed long lunches at local "world famous" strip clubs. I asked my wife if I could join them and she shut that down cold. I never even considered asking again. It wasn't that she objected to the idea of going to a strip club. She couldn't tolerate the idea of me going without her even on a look but don't touch basis.

It was an opportunity to build camaraderie and friendship with the guys and I passed on it dozens of times. I passed on it regardless of all the cajoling that what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. That I shouldn't let her tell me what I could and couldn't do.

Fast forward twenty years later to a month after Dday (almost 20 years ago now). She's still on the fence. I told her that I couldn't tolerate her seeing OM while we were still living under the same roof, but she's still in contact with him. I was out on a drive in the country in our convertible, which always helped to clear my head. I called to let her know that I was headed home and she asked if I could do something else for a while. She needed more time to herself. She didn't say but I knew it was to talk with OM.

I thought about what there was to do at that time in the evening, and it just occurred to me. "Maybe I'll go to a strip club," I said, only half serious. SHE WAS LIVID. How could I even suggest such a thing? I laughed out loud. Here she was actively talking with another man that she had sex with and she was livid at the prospect of me even looking at topless women in a public venue.

That anecdote about a strip club hits me about the absurdity of affairs. My wife would almost certainly have acted the same way if I had ever suggested it, maybe I should find out. She is jealous and has brought up concerns about a few women I’ve worked with or friends (that I’ve kept very strict boundaries with). And she’s doing it now even more, seems hyper vigilant that I would have a RA. I guess it’s like a thief who is enraged by being mugged. The hypocrisy is breath taking but also shows they are still human. I’m still trying to decide whether I take her jealousy as a sign that she cares about me still or just unbearable hypocrisy.

I definitely have no regrets in not having an affair prior to hers. Then it would have been me who took a great marriage and flushed it down the toilet. Of course I couldn’t say there weren’t times I was attracted to someone else, but I never even came close.

After her affair it’s kind of a mixed feeling. The marriage, at least from my vantage point was already compromised. Nothing was the same. I still was attracted to others, but I confess now, with what I knew she did, I let myself come close. In fact I was almost always at a cliff where I felt I could fall at any point.

Among other reasons as by this time I hated myself for what I had become, one of the reasons I wanted to divorce was I felt I was now owed my own fun with someone in better shape and younger. My EX aged terribly after her affair and not only did I have to think about what she had done, which disgusted me, I had to contend with not being physically attracted to her. So a driver for the separation was to fulfill my wants to explore, but in a way that didn’t compromise my integrity. Rather than cheat, I separated and made clear that I was going to pursue other women, and she was free to do the same.

So bottom line, I circumvented the cheating by separating first. I must say had I not done that, I’m almost certain that I might have had a revenge affair.

The hypocrisy is breath taking but also shows they are still human. I’m still trying to decide whether I take her jealousy as a sign that she cares about me still or just unbearable hypocrisy.

Sure, it's hypocritical, but what it really is, screaming out, is insecurity. Insecurities that were there way before her infidelity. Something that she will need to address, because those insecurities often grow into resentments, because....you guessed it....her feelings that you are not making her feel secure.

Pre-A-no, a thousand times no.

I was in my 30’s and still good looking. I had a couple of offers, but one scared me-she would have been a bunny boiler for sure( fatal attraction movie for you young folks). The other was really attractive. I really thought about it, but I could not do it. I loved my wife, my kids and my life. Ironically, this was pre DD by a few months. I took one route and FWW took the other.

BTW-I have never regretted my choice.

Post-A-no again. Even though my life was tough. And I was hurt and lonely, somehow I knew the answer was not going to be found in bed with another woman while I was married.

I think my religious upbringing, along with my total repulsion at what she had done kept me from going down that road post A.

In theory, anyone can have an affair if circumstances permit, but that path is not one I can ever go down. I think everyone who responded is wired that way too.

For whatever reason we can’t bring ourselves to be deceitful and cruel.

After everything I went through, I would much rather lie with my wife and tell her I love her and only her, than look at her with "lying eyes". I know what it is like to be destroyed, and I can’t do that her.

I remember in the early months of marriage I realized that the harmless flirting I had mastered was no longer appropriate, and that made me a feel a bit constrained. However, I quickly fell into my new role of wife. Since those early days I have not even had the option of having an illicit affair. I work in a conservative job in a small, closely knit department of a large fortune 500 company. My social time away from WH is with women or church. I attend group exercise class at the Y with 99.9% women. I sing in the church choir. I take care for the elderly and babies in my family. I cook and keep house (ok - not perfectly). I am busy! Sure, I am friendly with men but have no male "friends". As a couple we socialize, take vacations and ski. I don't consider myself as overly moral or having zealous values but I have a inner code of doing what I say and saying what I do. Though I find comfort in church and its sacred music, I am not religious. It's just that my life is set up as an unavailable woman. How in the world would I have an affair?

I am NOT giving waywards a pass here, but there have been lonely times over the years as WH was distant and unavailable, (having affairs as it turns out.) Certainly I have been vulnerable and miserable since DDay. I understand frailty. Would I have succumbed to direct attention of some suitor if I'd had any? Who knows, but I doubt that the juice would have been worth the squeeze. I have the habit of honesty and don't do well with lying and tangled webs. If some hypothetical relationship had a tugged at me, I think I would have just walk away from the disconnected marriage before pursuing it. Now I am an old(er) woman. It's hard to know what might have been.

As to the question of whether misery loves company, probably. Having once strayed might dampen the blow of my WH's years of infidelity, but selling ones soul is never worth it.

Edited for typos

[This message edited by MegMeg at 2:59 PM, Thursday, February 2nd]

No.

Enough said.

SoConfused23 not a silly question at all and my response will be very antithetical to the other responses here.

After I found out about the extent of my wife's infidelity you bet your *ss I wish I had had affairs. I was 100% loyal and did not escalate in situations that were clearly flirtatious and precursors to sex with other women. Nope I was a good boy and behaved as such. After I found out about my wife's affairs I was seriously choked that I passed up the opportunity to be with these women - some of which I had high mutual attraction with. In retrospect I wish I had hooked up with every single one of them and more.

I personally think this is a completely normal reaction for any betrayed spouse but the fact of the matter was that I *was* loyal so present feelings are irrelevant.

Pizza, did you stay with her?

waitedwaytoolong - The revelations of her affairs are very recent and I am working through with her what reconciliation would look like. The affair was bad and long. We have a child together which obviously complicates things substantially. It will take a Herculean feat to move past it. I am at least considering it and mentally preparing myself for the work that will have to be done. There have been many discussions with her and I'm being as rational as possible about it. I do think people could tend to rush into conclusions with these things. There is a lot to consider. My kids happiness is important to me. Wife is completely repentant, owns all fault for the affair and has detailed how she will make amends. It sounds reasonable... In theory. I am skeptical we will last.

Because of the betrayal I have already made up my mind that any reconciliation would mandatorily involve a permanent "hall pass" for me. It would be a blatant double standard however, and no such rights would exist for her. Reconciliation or not I'm definitely done with monogamy. Marriage is a broken, outdated, impractical institution. It was a mechanism for securing finances between wealthy families in the past - it has very little use in modern times as far as I'm concerned. I consider our vows null and void and any go-forward I would construct an arrangement to suit me which would include banging women with total impunity. If she doesn't like it, too bad you should have thought of that before you had a multi-year long affair. I have no intention of compromising what I would be able to get should I leave the marriage and start dating around.

Probably get lots of flak for this stance on this msg board but what can I say, I'm living my truth.

Wife is completely repentant, owns all fault for the affair and has detailed how she will make amends. It sounds reasonable... In theory. I am skeptical we will last.

It’s a tough position when a spouse is remorseful, but yet has so damaged a marriage that it can’t really can’t be repaired. sounds like this went on for some time. My EXWW was very short, but she exerted about as much damage in that short period that coukd be done. The story is in my profile.

If the solution is a permanent hall pass, the marriage isn’t worth saving. My suggestion is to divorce her and work out a good arrangement on custody. If she is really remorseful, do it sooner rather than later. The guilt from a remorseful WS when the discovery is recent helps in getting good terms. It’s a little underhanded, but leave an opening for the possibility of trying again after the divorce. You will get even better terms. It might not be fair, but neither is having sex with someone else why you are married.

Because of the betrayal I have already made up my mind that any reconciliation would mandatorily involve a permanent "hall pass" for me. It would be a blatant double standard however, and no such rights would exist for her. Reconciliation or not I'm definitely done with monogamy. Marriage is a broken, outdated, impractical institution. It was a mechanism for securing finances between wealthy families in the past - it has very little use in modern times as far as I'm concerned. I consider our vows null and void and any go-forward I would construct an arrangement to suit me which would include banging women with total impunity. If she doesn't like it, too bad you should have thought of that before you had a multi-year long affair.

This is not Reconciliation, with your view of M and your W, maybe it’s time to move towards Divorce and set both of you free.

To be clear to the above posters, the Hall Pass (With conditions) isn't the totality of reconciliation discussion just the piece most relevant to the OP's question. I am definitely conflicted because the affairs were *bad* with a lot of emotional energy invested on her part, but there is a ton of remorse, complete written disclosure (with agreement to be polygraph-verified) and many many more specific, actionable items to improve the marriage for me.

It's easy to say ditch the b*tch but we have a highly co-mingled life with a child, mostly great memories, enviable sex-life, finances, assets, friends and much more. I could see how an outsider might think it's trite to think a hall pass solves anything but I look at it as me getting something I want out of a potential reconciled relationship. Back to the OPs original post - if I'm going to endure the hardship of repairing the relationship I'm not prepared to leave what *I* want off the table. The old arrangement is dead, original marriage is dead - this is a completely new "arrangement" that I don't look at as a traditional marriage in the slightest. I will admit it's completely unconventional but I'm done with conventional from here on anyway. I'd never be monogamous with another woman in a new relationship ever again after this. No chance.

But yep, I hear you both and know where you are coming from - message received. It's a f*cked situation that I'm not happy about and basically trying to make lemonade from lemons. I accept that there is a very high probability that it will not work out. I don't see any divorce proceedings improving or worsening with time - we are very logical and reasonable people focused on our child's well being - rest of it 50/50 split OK got it. There is a reasonable set of incentives on the table to hang-in for the time being.

No I do not wish I had cheated.

I do deeply regret not leaving with the first lie though.

What I am seeking is a deeply fulfilling relationship with someone who works on themselves and wants to be a life partner. I won't find that with a liar or being one. I believe in full disclosure and consent.

Because of the betrayal I have already made up my mind that any reconciliation would mandatorily involve a permanent "hall pass" for me. It would be a blatant double standard however, and no such rights would exist for her.

Any WS who would agree to that either has rocks in her head or a specific agenda in mind. A BS who demanded such a thing could never be satisfied that the WS has stayed for the sake of love and emotional fulfillment. It's basically self-fulfilling prophesy for the BS who fears that they're being used instead of appreciated. A BS like that might hope to find fulfillment with others, but that BS would most likely be disappointed at the quality of people who would be satisfied by "banging" a married person who isn't free to build a life with someone new.

Infidelity is hands down one of the most painful things we can experience. We lose more than just a relationship though when we let it change us into something we don't want to be. Going from abused to abuser isn't getting out of the Karpman triangle. It's just a continuation of drama and abuse.

Agree with ChamomileTea. I also worry for any child of that "marriage", Pizza has said that the well-being of their child is the only reason he’s willing to stay, but kids are smart and this forced (presumably under duress), one-sided hall pass marriage sounds incredibly toxic and models such an awful dynamic for that child’s future relationships.

Pizza, you haven’t shared much of your story and I know you are a newly betrayed spouse (and that infidelity trauma does awful things to our psyche and sense of self), but I would really encourage you to think it through before proceeding.