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Im glad that talk with her father went well. Its a difficult situation but you are doing great and im sure she will be ok. Hugs.

I'm glad the conversation went well. There is one common goal with this. Keep DD safe. So if certain activities are creating anxiety, yep those can be put on pause, for now. Maybe some of the Dr.s or counselor's can talk to the Father and step mom as well. It helped my exww hearing it from the experts instead of me.

J707 I think they already did. Certain subjects of stress were brought up without my prompting. Her stepmom even though didn't sound happy she did voice the support for our daughter's well being. My husband and I went over things before I made the call. No accusations. No finger pointing . The subject was kept simply on our daughter and her needs. The areas I was aware of that were causing her anxiety were brought up by the other family not me even though I was ready to lay it out on the table. My husband and I acknowledged both parties need better communication with each other. We own our part as well in this. Now is a time to be humble and greatful she is still alive.

Very good to hear!

So glad to hear this. You did great.

Glad everyone is on the same page. Sending you and your family strength and support!

I’m so sorry you both went through this.

Focus on the counseling and medical evaluation. Find a counselor who is great, which is going to take some shopping around, because you are only going to find great 1 out of 10 times.

You didn’t say this but please don’t believe that pressure from stepmom caused this. That’s a dangerous mindset to have - you are not going to be able to shield her from stress and “vampires” (people who want to use her energy for their own needs) her whole life. She will have to learn - slowly - to assert her boundaries and to manage stress.

A suicide attempt is not an indicator that life is too stressful (in general - of course there are exceptions for trauma and extreme circumstances)… it is an indicator that something is physically wrong, something amiss in the brain chemistry which could be due to a disorder, medication, or non-mental underlying illness. I have had periodic but strong suicidal tendencies for the past 20 years, each time there was an underlying condition (one time was ADD, another was hypoglycemia, and now of course I am at the whim of my hormones). My best advice? Don’t create a false division between psychological and physical - it’s all one thing. Get her assessed for anything you suspect she might have, even if it seems entirely unrelated like dyslexia or iron deficiency. (Just to choose two random things) Ask for a general health workup. Maybe find a great diagnostician who leans a bit more towards functional medicine who can screen for any possible underlying conditions. This is what I wish I had done in my 20s - I would have had so much more of my life and time to put to good use. Instead I lost a ton of time struggling against symptoms that were caused by things that were not diagnosed.

Good luck and your daughter can and will get stronger.

[This message edited by annanew at 2:07 PM, June 20th (Sunday)]

Very wise words annanew. I discussed this with the inhouse psych doctor. There are quite a few underlying mental illness issues that run in my family. I understand not to make stepmom the villain even though it's tempting. I know she loves that girl probably just as much as I do even though I would like to think that's impossible. My husband and I discussed this and realize in a stressful situation such as this it's easy to get angry and blame the other party. I am sure the other household has feelings along the same lines when it comes to my parenting. During the convo I didn't cast blame but kept it about her and that we all want a good outcome for her. I practiced neutrality prior to the phone call. Thank you for that input. Will definitely get her tested for things beyond the mental illness issues.

Don't know if any one will see this but I feel a little helpless right now.Update with my daughter. She was released from the institution treating her for the attempted suicide. Spoke with her dad during her stay there about how she was doing. Often when he or her stepmom called she wouldn't talk with them. My daughter shared with me she didn't want to see the other family right away and maybe start with visitation eventually every other weekend. I spoke to him in regards to her wishes and it all seemed copacetic. We discussed reading the materials advised by the case worker etc. Back to her being discharged.She seemed good,happy. Communication has been great. I spoke with the case worker prior to discharge . S. They told me they would let her father know as well that she was discharged. Ok everything seems great. Didn't hear from her dad but thought he was respecting our daughter's wishes at this time. Next day after attending outpatient tx she was bright,happy, communicative with me. Called her cousin. Was laughing and having a good time. Had dinner. We watched a movie of her choice. She seemed calm and content. First step m texts me and then her dad. States they didn't know she was discharged. I texted back that I didn't realize that and that the case worker told me they would let him know. Asked him if he wanted to talk with her. Stated yes. Encourage my kid to call thinking everything would be great. Nope nope nope. I could hear him speak loudly but not the words. My daughter's voice becomes shaky. She looks literally terrified after she gets off the phone with father of the year. Began to cry loudly ,rocking back and forth. Had a metal bottle top folded over in her hands. Hyperventilating, shaking . She threw up y'all and went to her room for privacy. I let her be but kept an eye on her. Waited the appropriate amount of time to talk with her. Asked her if she wanted me to stay with her and said yes. She finally opened up about the phonecall. They basically told her her feeling s don't matter and that she needs to consider how she is hurting them and their feelings. Basically making her responsible for their emotional well being and she was being selfish. I kept my composure. Reassured her she did nothing wrong there was merely a miscommunication and everything would be ok. After much fabric tearing and scratching I finally calm her down and even get her to laugh a bit. She makes it clear and mind you the look in her eyes was fear and sadness. States she can't talk to them or see them right now. She can't do it. I believe her after the episode. I received a cryptic message from her dad stating that I needed to let him know about all appointments etc for this time forward and that this was a very poor start here. Basically he is letting me,my daughter know he still comes first and I better or else. Haven't responded yet. Need to be careful will be consulting a lawyer. Shit has hit the proverbial fan everyone. Time to put the big girl pants on and some boots.

Bonetired,

Glad to hear that things started well. Is she in a day program transitioning? If so make sure she mentions this to them. If she is not in a day program call her therapist so they can speak to her and it is documented. Going from inpatient to the real world was hard for me as an adult. I can only think it would be difficult for her to.

Remember to take care of yourself and document.

I second the day program- it helped me a lot deal with day to day. If they don’t have it where she was, another place with it most likely will accept her- I only did the 2 week outpatient- it’s for anybody.....If you legally have full custody, enforce it now. Block Dad on her cell phone. He can call you to talk to her.

If it’s legal to record phone conversations in your area, get a VAR, hold it by the earpiece when you are talking to him, or talk on speakerphone to be able to record his crazy. You tried to give him time with his daughter, but it’s not helping. Let him go back to court if it’s a problem.

Yeah, my sons and I stopped sharing any info with their Dad and stepmom about mental health. I got them a new counselor at the Domestic Violence center w/o telling their Dad, and they were free to heal without his interference. I also told them they never have to be around anyone who makes them feel crazy, or crosses their boundaries when they were about 14 and Dad was pushing for them to end counseling with the counselor he knew about. Is your daughter old enough to say she isn’t going to Dads anymore? I think 14 is the age in my state. Glad you are getting her counseling, hopefully they will give her some excellent tools to deal with her Dad. Our best help was the DV center bc emotional abuse IS domestic violence.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:36 AM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

My heart goes out to your daughter.

Maybe it's time to stop shielding her father. You didn't describe miscommunication - you described emotional abuse, I think.

IMO, it might be healthy to tell your daughter how you interpret what her father is saying and help her resist the crap he's dumping on her.

I think it's OK to say something like, 'You're responsible for your feelings, not for theirs. If they want you to pretend you feel some way, it's best for you to refuse or to pretend on your own terms, not theirs.'

Thank you all for your support . She is in a day program where she was discharged from and reassure her and encourage her to talk about it the following day. After calming her down I did tell her that people are responsible for their own feelings not someone else's. I reassured her and let her know she did nothing wrong. I checked about the recording but where I am at it's not legal without consent from the other party. Documentation and the outpatient program seems to be the best thing I can do right now.Did get a hold of a social worker at my work and described in detail what has happened. I was told to get a lawyer like yesterday. If worse comes to worse I was advised to call CPS and let them know the concerns if I wasn't able to contact a lawyer right away. We did contact one but they were backlogged on clients. I left a message tonight with another one that was refered by a friend and will have to wait until tomorrow to see if they call back. Did express the urgency to hear wether or not they were available sooner rather than later. Right now she is with my husband getting her hair done. He took her out to treat her after the day program while I was at work. Spoke to him about what I was told and he said "Don't worry honey. We got this. "

I just don't know what to say aside from hang in there and just keep working on this. See an attorney and maybe see if some sort of emergency order can be given to keep the dad from interfering. I am so hopeful for you and your daughter.

Just thinking of you and your daughter! I am so glad your husband is supportive.

My daughter’s psychiatrist said they cannot diagnose bipolar till they are adults. So her bipolar wasn’t diagnosed till she was 20. I never understood that.

Thank goodness your daughter has you, and you got her in aftercare already. They taught me a lot about dealing with day to day stuff-tools I still use today.

So I have been able take headway a bit after her outpatient visit today. She was having an episode after leaving and required time to process which I did not push her at this time and let her use her coping techniques to calm herself. Afterwards I attempted mindful listening to allow some of the issues to come forward. Learned her episode was in regards to the fact one of the other childrens mother's name was her stepmom ànd it made her think of this. She shared with me memories of when her stepmom would create a narrative and it was weird . One example was " You act all innocent but you know you are a bad kid so just be bad." and " You are lazy and sad so just say it." As well as complaining to her father that she is making her look bad . My daughter said while reflecting on this and me attempting to appear calm and non reactive that he would come into her room yelling at her . His neck red telling her to do better. She also told me about the time she was really trying in school with her tough classes and raised them from failing to a C. They berated her and shamed her saying they were disappointed and that she needs to do better. I got the hint there was a lot of yelling and downgrading. She indicated that she would be compared to her other siblings and shamed and compared to them in front of them for not being more like them. She told me that often times they would hold family meetings and my daughter's flaws would be put on the table and her other siblings would be praised.On one hand I am glad she wasn't physically abused on the other I hurt for her knowing how she has been humiliated and shamed. I have been too passive . I apologized to her for not taking a more assertive approach to parenting . I am usually passive being the nice guy and not being more proactive.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 4:15 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]

I hope you get that lawyer soon and can legally protect her. It's so sad that she's kept this in for as long as she has.

Think I have to get IC pronto for this. Was thinking about my daughter and what she has been saying. Finally finding the courage and her voice. Her stepmom is the one my WXH cheated on me with. Those were brutal times back then that had me almost end my life while 7 months pregnant with my daughter. Had a gun to my mouth ready to pull the trigger. Glad I didn't. There is so much anger in me right now. I know I have to stay grounded and control that rage in me but I would be lying if I didn't say I want her to hurt. Not my daughter her stepmom. There has been no love left for my XWH for a long time but there is even less now. Here he sits jobless and doing whatever the hell he wants instead of being dad. It was suspicious that he up and disappeared to go camping for 3 days after our daughter was admitted to the psych ward. She didn't hear from him often and at one point I had to text him 3 times to contact her there. Then after she is released from there he feels he has the right to be angry and make demands. Can I say it? What a twat waffle,mother f$&_wr he is. Such rage inside. I found out his other grown child from another woman isn't even in communication with his dad right now. Funny how her two children left are still in her life and he has them in his . Yet the other two from other women can't stand to be there. It's such a poison. Too big for me to wrap my head around.

IC is a good idea. (((BT))).