SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This must be dealt with.

It was dealt with today.

My MIL is actually the root of all my WWs issues. She is the most selfish woman you have ever met. She has been texting my WW through all this telling her how she is so worried, cries all the time, wants my WW to call and use her as a sounding board, etc. All focused on herself and not my WW at all. She even texted or kids the same day the affair was exposed and said the exact opposite of what a caring person should say. She is part of the reason my DD is so not talking to my WW.

Anyway, WW called her today and told her she was selfish and that they were never that close and it's not going to start now. She defended me and the marriage again and told her no matter what happens, she needs to stop her selfish shit and support our decision.

So many positive steps here RG. It’s great that your WW stood up to her mom. Keep up with your healing. Help your children stay centered and healing. I hope your WW continues her positive steps. Very encouraged for your healing.

Have you made it clear to your wife that this isn’t just an infidelity issue but that it’s her entire attitude— where she puts herself first no matter what— that needs to change?

Case in point: her forcing you to take out a business loan and splurging on Botox instead of paying down the balance.

I know myself and others keep bringing this up, but the point is that your wife’s infidelity is merely a symptom of her general attitude of self-centeredness.

Now that you’ve described her mother, it’s pretty clear how she got to be the way she is. But keep in mind that a lot of us grew up with disordered parents but still manage to be good spouses.

Being "open and honest" after covering her tracks.

Giving you full access to her phone well after she deleted all the damming evidence, leaving discussions with her mother that have no bearing on what she actually did behind your back.

The matching words of both of her known affair partners, after she has had time to talk with them to get their stories straight.

Talking a lot and acting like she is sorry after treating you like shit as her initial tactic, then finding out she would be fucked upon divorce.

I guess I am less impressed with the current state of affairs than others.

I would be incredibly surprised if she were telling you the truth about what she really had been getting up to with these 2 men.

Now she is throwing her mother under the bus. Maybe her mother is a bad person. Don't focus on her mom.

Your wife was the one who was cheating, lying, then deleting, not her mother.

***

Roverguy, what seems pretty obvious to me is you want to keep your marriage and to reconcile with your wife.

Unfortunately, you are rugsweeping your way to this goal.

Every day you don't proactively seek the truth is another day for the truth to degrade, another day for it to slip away.

When one is early in the betrayal process, sometimes the desire for the old life is stronger than the desire for the truth.

But as time passes, the romance and intense desire to get your old marriage back fade, but the feelings of betrayal remain.

And the desire to know what really happened, who you are actually attempting to reconcile with, grows.

This is called limbo and it is incredibly painful and draining.

I believe this is where your current course of action is headed, limbo.

With a wife who wants to keep her comfortable life and is not truly remorseful.

Sorry for the negative take, but that is how I see it.

Good luck.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:52 PM, Wednesday, December 7th]

RoverGuy,
Coming in late here, great advice--sorry your in our club.

I'll add what I can. my STBX (soon to be X) have a post-nuptial agreement. Basically in 2015 I caught him in ONE affair, thanks to a demanded polygraph (thanks SI folks) it turned into a confession of 13 AP's in 7 years of marriage

So I immediately filed for divorce but had small kids and was working on a degree so I asked my husband to sign the agreement. I specifically added details that are now proving key since guess what?? A**hole cheated again 2 months ago.

Our post-nuptial included an infidelity clause with very specific details about what is included in cheating. (paragraphs of things, physical, texts, nudes, emotional affairs etc.) it also HAD TO go both ways on both of us. Meaning if I cheated I lose too. It named a few of the AP's stated I had been faithful.

It gives the cheated on spouse 75% the cheater 25% and a host of other things such as the cheated on gets attorney fees paid, can get possession of the house till the youngest graduates, alimony etc.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING was that my STBX had to have a letter from his attorney advising him to sign or not. In my STBX's case his attorney said HELL NO to signing it, I kept the letter saying that his attorney would resign if STBX signed, he signed.

NOW I am in the start of a divorce since STBX has cheated yet again, thanks to some lied to OW they gave me dates, photos, text, exchanges and will testify on my behalf (2 of the 4 that I discovered).

My attorney said it will absolutely stand up in court. He did say that there is some gray area, but the great points are I did file initially, meaning I did not accept his cheating, I was willing to give him a chance and since it was 7 years ago it was signed that means I didn't make up some phony cheating claims.

Also STBX got legal representation that explained the risks of signing it 20000000% important.

I am very relieved I have it right now, STBX is denying the cheating so that's even better as I have the undeniable proof. My attorney says a judge will eat him for lunch (legally speaking) so he is hoping once the proof of cheating is delivered Monday he'll settle. We have quite a bit financially and I have built a ton of assets that I need to protect so we will see how this all goes.

I personally would've never stayed married after the first day without the post-nup, that's just my opinion.

Faithful man, I’m not impressed with RoverGuy’s wife, either. Many of us aren’t. She hasn’t admitted to a single thing that RoverGuy didn’t already know. And as you pointed out, handing over access to her phone means absolutely nothing now that she deleted everything and OM dumped her like empty candy wrapper after Dday. She has said she will do anything to win his trust but has done nothing except talk.

But RoverGuy has determined that he doesn’t want to dig around anymore and isn’t interest in recovering the deleted messages or making her a take a poly. That’s his decision so there’s no point in belaboring that point.

RoverGuy, I do, however, agree with Faithfulman that you shouldn’t allow WW to redirect your anger or reassign blame to her mother. I’m certain that WW was perfectly happy to have her mother as an ally when she was in the throes of her affair and was treating you and your daughter like shit in the wake of Dday. It’s good that she’s defending you now against her mother’s attacks, but it’s probably in large part because it’s now in your wife’s own best interest to do so.

Dude,
So sorry. There are more horror stories here than are in Stranger Things.

Nothing hurts like this. I did not think I was going to live through this back in 1999, but I did. It does get better with time (I hated when people told me that, but it was true).

First thing..you do you. Gym, bike rides, beers with the buds..find it and do it.

Second thing..don’t stand in front of the mirror naked and pick yourself apart. This is not about your physical appearance. This is something broken in her, not you.

Third thing..find a good therapist. I felt more comfortable with a guy, and face to face was the only option 23 years ago. If she will not go with you, go alone. You may want a couple of sessions alone at first to feel them out, see if you click. Like I said-you do you.

Finally, consult an attorney in your state. You don’t have to get a divorce, but after 26 years, you probably have substantial assets and need to know what one will look like.

One of the hardest things to accept is that people don’t change that much. They can change behavior, if they are dedicated to it, but they don’t change their basic self. Your wife has not been nice to you and that’s a huge understatement. The hell this whole thing has put you through is going to show up somewhere down the line in your health. That’s why I feel like anyone who is going through this kind of trauma put a stop to it one way or the other. You either have a wife who has basically changed from the inside out or you divorce. You cannot live in limbo and not have it affect you mentally and physically. I am neither for, nor against, reconciliation or divorce. I’m for getting you out of infidelity so you can live your life with a lot of joy in it.

RoverGuy... I have been trying to keep up with your problem... sounds like you have a lot to deal with. However, I think that somewhere I missed something. Faithfulman mentioned 2 men. I thought there was only the one that lived several states over.

Did she have affairs with 2 men or just the 1?

Thanks.

Hey Roverguy,

You've been focusing on a lot. understatement of the year.

When I was going through this nightmare i'd get to the point that I was out of fucks to give. More accurately I burned myself out more than once.

Be mindful of that. It sounds like you might be there now. 100% normal BTW. Just don't forget to do things for yourself too. A little self care goes a long way. KWIM?

Be kind to yourself and take some breaks from the hurt once awhile. It takes practice, but well worth the effort.

I don't have any sage words of wisdom for you right now. I just know you are hurting and that just living in your world sucks right now. It can and will get easier, but it doesn't happen overnight. Hang in there. It doesn't sound like much, but you've kept your integrity and one day that will mean the world to you.

Hugs and virtual whiskey !

There is a former ws who posted about completely changing herself. Totally. It proves me wrong that people don’t change.

Hi all,

I took a break from the forum to try and get my head straight. It's been a few weeks since I posted so thought I would post an update.

Got a poly done and she passed. Never had sex with anyone else since we got married, never sent inappropriate pictures, never met him at the beach.

We have been talking a lot. She is an open book answering all my questions and giving me her phone whenever I ask for it.

I did call dickhead a few times because I found some pictures of him in his sweatpants with a boner. WW said he would send those unsolicited and she never reciprocated. Poly confirmed.

So i told him what I had in him and he told me that WW sent topless pics to him. I told my WW what he said and she freaked out, said he was lying. So i called him with WW in the room and he finally said she never sent anything. He is a piece of shit and my WW now sees how he strung her along for months. She is utterly embarrassed about the whole thing.

So no decision yet on reconciliation. I am waiting for my attorney to provide me an agreement and other advice, but WW said she will do anything to keep me. The one silver lining is that I lost almost 20lbs and I look good.

DD and WW are still not talking. Heartbreaking.

Positive update. It’s illuminating when the WS can see what a POS the AP is in real life. Honesty is a must if you choose any idea of moving towards R. It’s good that she passed her poly, and her version of the pics was correct. You’re doing well. Good luck to you through the holidays.

This is precisely why we emphasize polygraphs so much here on SI and other forums, besides the infamous "parking lot confession", it gives the BS a much more firm "footing" to move forward towards whatever goal is then determined (D or R). "Dickhead" tried to trick you and mess with your mind, but of course failed at that too since he didn't have any pictures of her, otherwise he would have simply sent them to you, OTOH yes she was embarrassed by the call, and that's a good thing, shame and guilt often help with remorse.

What is your wife doing to heal the damage she caused her daughter? It's going to take more than an apology. She betrayed your daughter, just as she betrayed you. And she was abusive towards her. What's her plan?

Terrific update. You so fought this poly for so long! I was on a poly crusade with you and was very concerned, as you know, that you thought it superfluous.

I’m extremely happy for you that you got it done and your WW passed. You now have the truth. Whether you R or D is of course your decision, but it’s based on truth, with the removal of uncertainty.

Keep posting. The advice you’ve received here, and will continue to receive, is invaluable. The people on here have been through everything you’ve been through. There is no substitute for experience.

Your wife needs to expect an uphill battle with your daughter; she treated her abhorrently in the wake of Dday. I’m sure that was the first such incident either.

Rover guy I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I just want you to know that you will get so much support here. You have found the right place. SI was a lifeline to me.

We are all here for you. My ex showed no remorse either, and blamed me for everything. I know now (nearly a year later) that the issues were his and not mine.

If I could give one piece of advice, don’t believe them, believe in yourself. The issues lie with them, not you. I blamed myself so much, found fault with myself in anyway I could to try and make sense of his cheating, as it made no sense to me. I know now that it wasn’t my fault.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

From your daughter’s perspective this is black and white. She cannot understand why you are giving your wife a second/third chance.

This isn’t going to end just because you Reconcile.

but WW said she will do anything to keep me.

She can start with making nice to your daughter.

I'm glad the poly tells you there was no PA, good news for you.

The elephant in the room is (from your first post) your wife sent tens of thousands of texts and thousands of pictures to some scumbag. And now she'll do anything to keep you. Yeesh.

I hope you get some peace from all this man.