SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Coco/NB24/BigBlue: We are separated though eventually heading to divorce but have not yet filed. This is mainly because we moved to Europe so the system will take some time for me or us to acquaint ourselves with, though I have had a consultation. It does require a year separation before divorce

WH wants to R but I never gave him the chance. We have stayed in touch but more for pragmatic matters since we had to sell a house, separate finances, etc. He's a wreck everytime. I'm ok with that. He deserves it.

If I said I wanted to have sex, his clothes would fall away, no questions asked. It's hard for me because to me, he's a looker. I used to just look at him and swoon. Now I get the creeps but I still see that handsome face and he's tall and lean. Ugh! See?

So the battery operated boyfriend, BOB, isn't cutting it. I feel weird about online anything because, hello? I'm still married. Only other people I really know are colleagues and that just gets ugly. I have taken up paddle boarding so keep hoping I'll meet someone out there but so far, no go. Sigh! Can't a girl just get laid without so much complication and still keep her dignity? I wish I could be that "bad girl" but I'd be the one that walked in the door in my hot ass outfit and then tripped on the threshold and fell on my face...or walked out of the bathroom with my skirt tucked in my panties. I'm just awkward about shit like this, more so now than ever before!

One more reason to just want to rip WH's face off. Such an effing idiot!

LostHeart:. I go thru all the emotions you do in 25 seconds flat. I'm almost 10 months out from realizing my world was a frikking lie, all of it and I am still so outraged! And incredibly sad. I can't keep this up for long. Something has to give.

As for rage for the OW, in my fantasy I rip every hair from her head with my bare hands. But you never heard me say that.

And the word fuck? Fuck yeah! In my head it's all I use!

Hi everyone.

I am getting to what I thought was a better place, still using work to not deal with all this pain but I flushed my "Plan B" collection of sleeping pills and tramadol down the toilet. There was a time in all this that I just wanted everything to stop. Totally out of character but honestly just wanted it all to stop.

So, I get the sex thing. I had a 4 week period after Dday at Christmas, number 2 I guess, that we had sex about 4 times a day, Well, he got off anyway. I didn't even once. I am ashamed at all that now. But it would be nice to have sex. I miss it. I can't remember the last time anyone touched me with anything bordering on lust or delight.

I thought we were trying to try anyway if you know what I mean. But I keep waiting for a sign that he is going to do SOMETHING to fix this, show me he cares at all. etc.

Had an interesting completely calm discussion with WH about 30 minutes ago. Asking him why he hasn’t done a single thing to fix any of this or try to take us to a better place. The scoop is that he was done with me and our marriage when he got caught cheating at Christmas. Didn’t love me anymore, didn’t have any interest sexually.Then we did the “Hysterical bonding" bullshit wth me blowing him every day, multiple times a day etc and he thought, well this is nice. But since then he has really just been going through the motions.

He is not in love with me really. Doesn’t really have any interest in me sexually but it would be generally inconvenient to leave. And financially it would be not great. So basically, that it that. Don’t I feel foolish. So he is not interested in being any closer, or having sex, or really talking to me beyond the house or kid stuff. He is happy I am working so hard, killing myself actually, so I should keep doing that and we will just live side by side. And it would be nice if I just stopped talking about anything at all.

So.

NorthernMSB - is all that ok with YOU? Do you want to waste more years of your life with someone that would disregard you to that degree? If not, I say rip the bandaid off and file. Inconvenience be damned - it isn't worth any amount of money or convenience to live a life like that imho. Sending you hugs!

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 6:05 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

NorthernMSB, if that's what you want, do it. I know plenty of people who live parallel lives. It would not be OK for me. YOU decide, and let him know what YOU want to do.

SpeedBump, have you tried any dating/hookup apps? I totally get wanting more than just BOB. So many risks and pitfalls with that though!

As for the OW who haunts my life... I go between rage and pity. Who sleeps with another woman's husband? Come ON.

And then I remember that she's lost custody of 2/3 of her children, has a somewhat dead end job at a gas station, is depressed and has had two previous suicide attempts. Sometimes I feel BAD about taking my husband out of her life. They managed to prove it's very difficult for men and women to be truly platonic friends though. They both should have known better.

[This message edited by AmIAnIdiot15 at 7:00 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Northern,

Fuck. I am sorry. I know you still love him.

you have a lot to think through. I suggest that your next conversation with your WH be about him taking 50% of the work. His easy ride is over.

Don’t feel bad about HB. It happens. It is in the past.

My husband said he had no feelings for me last summer. He was still cheating. Don’t be surprised if that is the case.

You are a smart accomplished strong woman, you can do this. He has proven himself to consistently be a selfish ass over the last few years.

Hugs.

TG

Ok....I say we shave the OW’s head with conditioner. That would feel mighty good.

Yeah....got a friend with a fake FB account who could do damage. But I know my WBF (who I need to start calling the ex but somehow I can’t sit with it yet) would figure me out.

Thanks speed bump my fucking brain is all over the place. I wish I could be like “that fucking guy is biting the dust” and never think of him again.

I just need to be fucking mad at Kimberly....yup that’s her name. Two timing piece of shit who actually doesn’t have an ounce of character and integrity.

AMI Sometimes I feel pity for OW. There must be something missing in her. All that happy crappy IG bullshit is just a cover for an empty woman.

Why the fuck would a guy be attracted to that? Oh that’s right my WBF is disrespectful and lacks character. Ugh....sorry ladies...rant over.

I’ve been realizing he’s probably lied to me about part of his traveling. I have feeling they traveled in CA. no strong evidence except my intuition which has been pretty on target. Dam, I can’t believe what I’ve fallen for. I did buy a bridge in Brooklyn

Yup, I miss sex too. I had a very active and pleasurable life with WBF. Sigh...BOB doesn’t cut it.

Speed bump So long story short I dated 35 guys in 2 years. About half wanted sex ASAP. Sites like bumble, hinged, and zoosk offer up guys looking for a fling. It’s available and easy. Make a sexy profile with looking for a “causal time” .... you’ll get laid. You will have the option to be picky and demand how the dates will occur. You will have the power. Don’t settle.

Northern I wish I could help. I’m only 30 days post DD. I have no clue what I’m doing from day to day. I send you hugs. This all sucks.

Y'all move so fast. I want to go back and respond to GMC's awesome post the other day, and I will but first....

SpeedBump - I would personally do a bumble thing or get introduced to someone through a friend. This sounds crude, but sometimes a BOB just can't compete with a dick. It's true.

Northern - I would like to punch your WH in the face. For real. What an asshat. The only redeeming thing he did in that conversation was to tell you the truth and let you know what you are dealing with. Now you can make a decision about the next move you make. I am SO incredibly sorry that is where you are. Huge hugs to you.

BBE - Ugh. Court dates are looming. Keep us posted. I think of you often.

GMC - I really think you and I have the same brain. I had that thought about Strangers on A Train (and then saw you mention it a week or so ago in a thread and forget to say something then). I really feel like there should be a spreadsheet out there so we can out strangers. My BFF actually works in the same field as the cOWhore and would happily out her, though my BFF is much brighter and accomplished (alone without fucking her bosses) and works for larger corporations in larger markets. BUT she'd be happy to make some connections and ask around if I gave the word. We need a LinkedIn for betrayed spouses....

DaisyAnne -

I haven't told my very best friend of 20 years. She knows we had problems 4 years ago and that WH was unhappy and going through a midlife crisis. She was sooooo mad at him for that. I can't tell her about the affair because I truly don't think she will ever forgive him. Our families are all best friends (husbands are best friends, kids are best friends). I don't want to ruin that.

Like GMC, I have a really hard time not being authentic. Having this huge secret has definitely had a HUGE impact on my friendships and how much I isolate. My very best friend in the world knows about the physical A. As does my sister. My sister won't talk to my WH right now willingly (though she's not rude to him - he's an asshole who watched HER go through the A of her WH three years before his A and then did it to her sister.) My best friend has known my WH as long as I have - over 25 years. She was as floored as I was - she called him the "choir boy". She was the first person I called after I found out, hysterical. Both DDays. There's no way I could have survived without SOMEONE knowing, and the fact that she supports me 100% no matter what and doesn't judge (she was the WW in her marriage), is a huge gift. Now it does help that she lives out of state and is not associated with my every day life. My best friends here have no clue. (One knows about DDay 1 and the kiss but I never told her about DDay 2). It's just too hard with the way people share with their spouses (I would expect it) and the small community we live in. I hope you find someone to share with IRL Daisy. As valuable as this community is, it's also good to be known in the real world.

GMC - Interesting to hear there is going to be a mix of neurofeeback and EMDR? It does sound like you have a great therapist though, so I am really glad you seem to have a good plan.

I think my bar was pretty low too - it's been interesting to think seriously about WHY I picked my WH. He's not as conventionally good-looking as my past boyfriends, he's not as flowery/romantic/artistically inclined (which I love and am a sucker for). I truly picked him because he was an incredible safe choice. He came from a "good" family. He was driven and had a fantastic work ethic. He was religious. He was organized, detail-oriented, and methodical - all things I was NOT. I felt like we just FIT. I didn't ever pretend he was anything but what he was. I knew I was giving up romance. I knew I was giving up spontaneity. I knew I was giving up the idea that my husband would want to hang out at the arts festival or go to a play. I thought it was a good trade for security and someone who adored me. Fat lot of good that did me. Fucker didn't deserve me and I settled for his shortcomings. That is what pisses me off. He sold himself, the world and me a bill of goods and was in reality a piece of shit who only wanted what the world could give him.

It sounds like you and your WH and having some fruitful discussions. It's got to be nice to know that in your time apart he is actually trying to work on himself. I hope progress continues there.

Those daydreams about the OWs are so satisfying. If only we could bring some to fruition. But alas I think you are right in that most OWs are just POS people that wouldn't care.

WH and I are working through my FISHBOWL of questions. We did about 8 on Friday afternoon. They took me down for the rest of the weekend. I think though, that he is beginning to see the truth about "loving" me during his A and even pre-A. He loved what I did for him. Once she came into the picture, I was not needed for work conversation or ego kibbles. Just sex and taking care of kids. And when *I* didn't want sex as often as he did, he took the sex she offered because it came with kibbles and "feeling" wanted. I was still good for kids and house and social stuff though. It sucks to think that you've been with someone for 23 years and out of that there was only 2 that you can really say you were loved - and even those two were built on lies of infidelity. I'm so pissed that he kept that secret with her for two years - and took away the chance for me to confront her. That's I think why I have that daydream about the conference. I want to make her feel small and meaningless like she helped my husband make me feel.

The one good moment out of the fishbowl conversation was that he expressed how gross she was and how gross the whole affair made him feel. He reiterated what he has said before - that he now views the affair and his entire relationship with her as extremely negative. We also determined that his emotional A started over 2 years prior to the physical stuff, and the first time he realized something was wrong and started hiding his relationship with her and intentionally withholding information from me regarding her, was almost a year before things turned physical. Prior to that he liked to say he really didn't know that things were "more than friends". But admitted that he took a work road trip with her solo and consciously did not tell me - because he knew it would make me uncomfortable and he didn't want to "get in trouble". He really liked her telling him how funny, smart, and amazing he was and didn't want it to end.

Asshole.

I seriously don't know why we stay with these assholes. We always deserved so much better.

I'm going to have a glass of wine before bed, ladies. I really hate my choices. Stay with a person who did this. Or ruin my children's lives AND my own. Or of course option 3 is to stay here and never have sex with him again and treat him like a roommate - which is exactly what he feared before his A. Welcome to your prophecy fulfilled you jackwad!!

Happy Fucking Sunday! And apologies to anyone I missed, I do read through and think of you all!

[This message edited by TX1995 at 9:01 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Just wanted to check in with everyone. Hope the weekend was somewhat relaxing.

Husband and I spent most of yesterday just laying around, watching football and napping together. It was nice. Usually when he is home he is super busy catching up on yard work, school work or whatever. I am glad he took the opportunity to spend quality time with me.

I have decided to stop taking the paxil. I tried cutting the dose in half but I am still getting pretty bad side effects and I don't like not being at 100%. Hopefully I don't get completely emotional from it. Husband already told me he is not going to be "available" too much this week while and work because his boss is away and that makes him in charge. At least he gave me a heads up right?

Anyways, I hope everyone has a great week.

[This message edited by heartbroken83 at 8:24 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

NMB, I am so sorry. At least he told you the truth so you can make an informed decision. Are you the only one working? So, he thinks it's peachy keen for him to just keep living off you?

SB, yeah, don't use the stbx for sex. That will open a whole can of worms you do not want.

If it makes any of you feel any better, I ain't getting any sex, either. My fch has never been one to initiate, but we used to have sex regularly. I can't recall feeling deprived before.

Idk what his problem is. Maybe low T? He's getting close to 50. We have sex once or twice a month. That is it! I told him a few months ago that part of our post nup (that we don't actually have) requires that he have sex with me 3 times a week. I'm tired of always initiating. He said he was all for it. That lasted a week. Hardly anything since.

He's not cheating again. He's not getting sex any other way. WTF?!

It's been 4 days. I'm still waiting for him to talk to the 15yo about the condoms. I brought it up yesterday. As expected, he said he was waiting for the right time. (That's what he always says.) I told him he needs to make time. He said he would. Whatever.

🙄

NorthernMSB, I agree with everyone else. If you are OK with that, then go for it. But if not, you deserve more and to be happy.

He loved what I did for him. Once she came into the picture, I was not needed for work conversation or ego kibbles. Just sex and taking care of kids. And when *I* didn't want sex as often as he did, he took the sex she offered because it came with kibbles and "feeling" wanted. I was still good for kids and house and social stuff though.

TX, this was our situation as well. He felt he could talk to her about topics that I just didn't have an interest in. I was his comfort at home, but she stimulated his mind more than I did. That's fine, have a friend for that. No need to cheat on me. She wanted him for more than that and his ego couldn't say no. In his late 40's, he is in the best shape of his life. His ego definitely played a huge part in his infidelity.

LH, yes something is obviously missing their lives to go after married men. I think she thought he would eventually leave me for her even though he always told her he wouldn't.

Hugs to everyone on this fucking Monday!

I literally read some of your comments (those of you in R) & think...WTF? how do these brave beautiful, courageous women do this? how do they sit & listen to their WH's be arseholes continuously, minimising there actions, passing the buck, not stepping up when they are needed, how do they not want to stab them, how do they refrain from committing murder?

I know until recently I was in the same situation & I know everyone's rollercoaster is different but 1 thing they have in common is WH's or WSO's ARE ALL FUCKING WANKERS,

Sorry rant over

Fucking Mondays still suck...

((((((Hugs everyone)))))

ps, thank you for well wishes & thoughts ladies x

& btw I've never used shaving foam/gel, I have always used conditioner to shave, so much better for the skin.

Yeah, I may have to get on a dating app. Was it mean I mentioned it to WH? I did apologize later and said it wasn't nice of me to say that. He said he had no right to ask me not to do that but he understood as my big reason for marrying was about having my companion for life, love, travel and companionship. Now I literally have none of that. He did say he hated I would date but understood. Sigh...

TX Wow. Thank you for an amazing post and being so authentic.

Before I say more ... any of you ladies trying to save your marriage.....dam you are courageous and brave. I don’t know how I would tackle this process of healing with WH sitting around. Truly I’m surprised more men aren’t murdered.

TX - your introspection about selection of husband hit me in the heart. I was madly in love with WBF. I can’t believe I wanted to marry him.

Anyhoo....There were things missing .... never being told I’m beautiful, no flowers, no cards (even after begging for one for Valentine’s Day), asking to travel with him.....nothing. On top of it, he’s got IBS which would derail our outings. Since he’s starting a business, not a lot of money to get out and do fun things.

What did work...very much entrepreneurial....massively interesting to hear him talk about starting up a business, he could take charge, we could talk for hours, we had great communication skills, he could hear me out.

Yet, the whole time....what was missing ..... I wondered if I was settling.

Looking at your experience.....do you think there was a feeling or intuition telling you were settling? I’m hoping to learn so there’s a big red flag that says settling.

Well, Monday is off to a sad start. I woke missing the jerk. 2.5 years together....I tell him I want the truth.....nothing ....gone....poof. Not even this ain’t going to work...it’s been nice knowing yeah. Gone. Yet, I miss him.

Yet, I got out of bed and was grateful for all I have. I refuse to let this jerk steal the best of me.

Happy Monday. 😕

Big hugs speed bump. 😔

LH8,

Looking at your experience.....do you think there was a feeling or intuition telling you were settling?

I knew I had made the wrong choice very early in our relationship, just after falling pregnant with our 1st child (I conceived very early), the Manipulation started around the same time, his drinking escalated, his abuse didn't start till after our son was born but it cranked up towards the end of the pregnancy.

We were/are very opposite in every way, An avid drinker, I'm informed he's always been into drugs..little did I know!

He would go on benders for weekends at a time but I didn't care as long as me & the kids were ok I let it go as it was easier. I just wanted a quiet life with my kids.

I have that now

I should of walked 20+ yrs ago, however I didn't & I own that.

I'm still young enough to find love, affection & fun when the times right.

He stole enough from me he can't have anything else as I wont let that happen!!

I will get my happy ever after

SB,

NO its wasn't mean of you, you graced him with honesty thats more than he gave you hun

(((hugs)))

Thanks Blueeyes

I’m guessing....if there’s any part of settling going on....I should run for the hills.

YES, Run & never look back,

I will never settle for anything less than what I want now or anytime in my future, Neither should you LH,

I'm happy in my own skin & my own company now, its taken me along time to achieve it, however it was worth it.

I'm stronger physically & getting there mentally (slower progress) but I have no doubt I will get there.

I couldn't/wouldn't of ever got to where I am today if I had stayed with him.

I've been here since March, so imagining another 6 months from now fills me with absolute joy & wonder.

Achieving small steps daily has helped me immensely, now when I make these daily steps I don't even notice them, its only when my IC brings it up do I even realise I have done it. Thats pretty rewarding tbh!

I'm in control of my own future & destiny.

No one else will ever have control of me AGAIN in anyway!

Looking at your experience.....do you think there was a feeling or intuition telling you were settling?

This is an interesting question. Back then, I didn't realize I wouldn't have to settle in SOME way. Prior to my marriage, I dated seriously two people. One was very good-looking, athletic, charismatic, romantic, fun, loved music and appreciated art and spontaneous but not challenging by way of intellect. Next person was an amazing artist, musician, talented and gifted sexually, bright and vulnerable, fun, but extremely emotional, volatile and unstable in terms of a future path. Then in walked my WH. He was fun, loved the same things I did as far as sports and games, always the life of the party PLUS responsible, etc. I thought that even though he didn't have that artistic/emotional side, he loved me wholly, and that I could live without that side. I had friends who filled in the gaps for many many years. Now, with his growth, I see that it IS possible to have all of those things in a person. You just need a person who is emotionally mature. Which I did not pick. He didn't mature until he was 42. We started dating at 19.

So I think that yes, if you feel like you are settling in ANY way, keep looking. Or push your current partner to try growth. Someone willing to grow could make a good partner. Mine didn't want me to push. He was just fine all locked up inside himself. Until he wasn't and exploded all over himself and someone else's vagina.

Watch out ladies, it's that time of the month and apparently I'm on a tear. Not feeling so hopeful and lovely. Ran over every possible scenario of my future last night - with and without my WH. You know what? They all fucking suck. Fuck him and fuck all cheaters. I didn't do a damn thing to deserve this shit yet I am stuck having to find my way out of it. I just really really think this is a dealbreaker on a fundamental level and I don't want it to be so badly that I'm deluding myself into thinking I may someday be able to R. If I didn't have kids, I would run away for good.

Happy Fucking Monday.

LostHeart - I feel you so much. I hate admitting it but I really miss my former, pre-OW/A guy. Big time!! I did love him even though he didn't tick all the boxes but most of them he did. I didn't feel "treasured" but I did feel loved and solid. Fuck was I wrong but I was happy and on an exciting adventure. The "screeching halt" bullcrap is so hard. It might be easier if he was acting like an asshole but he isn't. He's dying for R but I am so damn wounded and my pride is protecting me at all costs! Don't know if that's good or bad but it is excruciatingly lonely.

On another note, I've come to find out the bunny boiler is "seeing someone." We know mutual acquaintances. I SO want to blow up her budding relationship by telling him all about her sick relationship with my WH.

Would you? I know what the answers will be but I actually feel very badly for her next victim.

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 11:47 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

SB,

Wether you know him or not he deserves to know exactly what he’s getting himself involved in,

If he chooses to stay that’s on him but personally I would tell him She is one seriously sick MOFO

TX,

Yep fuck the lot of them!!!!