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Eric, you have the agency to decide that what you are getting from your WW is not enough for you, and to D and move on with your life. It is NOT 'too late' for you.

I know your IC had good reason to take a break, but I expect it feels like another abandonment to you. Don't underestimate the effect on you. My reco is to call to check in - if her daughter is still ill, your IC might appreciate hearing from you.

Another reco is to seek a new IC now. Delaying is another way of not saying what you want to say.

I have occasional low moods and one of these hit me like a train yesterday. Of course - I think I've made this clear elsewhere - I have to hide these moods from my wife, which is what I've done, more or less. It's like I'm being pushed, slowly but inexorably, towards the edge of a cliff. A complicating factor is that my wife is having a horrible time with her elderly parents at the moment. Her sister was killed in a car crash twenty years ago, and her brother died last year from cancer, so she's now the only one left. There's no way she can cope with that, and my unhappiness. So I bottle it up. What else can I do? But I can't bottle it up forever, I know that for sure.

Everyone has limits. You are doing your wife a disservice by taking away all of her agency about your angst that you have buried. It's better to share it as it occurs and allow her to live up to her part of the marriage, than to wait until you fall off that cliff and it blows up in her face.

No, because you had a torrid affair which I had to read about, and you'll do just about anything to avoid having sex with me.

This is very close to something I would say to my wife in the same situation. I have actually said similar, minus the avoiding sex part. You could always find a more gentle way to reword it too, but you really should just tell her how you're feeling. This bottling up of emotions and holding your tongue isn't serving you well at all. If you start practicing speaking what's on your mind, I think you'll find it gets easier and easier to do.

My wife is, well, used to be, avoidant, and I've always taken things head on and often wear my thoughts and emotions on my sleeve. I suppose if you were to meld us together you'd have something that lands in the middle and is close to ideal. She's gotten much, much better at facing things, speaking her mind, and becoming less avoidant since I discovered her affair. As you discovered, sweeping issues under the rug only prolongs the agony of your suffering. If the way you describe your wife loving you unquestionably is accurate, then she should be able to handle a dose of honesty and forthrightedness from you and want to help you get it sorted. Or at least give her an opportunity to tell you her side of things.

As far as reading over 15 year old emails from her affair goes, that sounds an awful lot like pain shopping and an exercise in self torture to me. I saw most of my wife's communications with her AP and her friends regarding her affair, and of course, there were a fair amount of very hurtful things said. They hurt to read. A lot. She feels horrible about it now. I didn't object to her deleting everything after I was given the opportunity to look at as much as I wanted to. I have no desire to re-read or revisit those words and feelings. It's only been 7 months since d day for me, but there's no rug sweeping happening in our situation, so there's no need for me to have to point to anything to remind her "but you said this!" I don't think re-reading any of that stuff is doing you any good either.

Can you ask your therapist to recommend a colleague that you can work with while she’s not working?

Eric, just having read all the posts on this thread, I am struck by the description of your wife's sexual history as being highly significant to where things are for you right now. If you wouldn't be opposed to reading a book on a very difficult subject, may I recommend ordering Ken Graber's Ghosts in the Bedroom...it is a powerful book by a therapist that explains the paradoxical lack of desire sexual abuse survivors can end up having for their beloved partners while they exhibit wanton behaviors with strangers. Sounds exactly like your WW's past history, and this book helped me understand my sex-addict wayward husband wanting to stay married to me at all costs while being a total cold fish, almost from our honeymoon on, and then betraying me just 3 years into what I was sure was our "happy marriage." He too is an avoidant person and stuffs his feelings just as you describe.

One warning is that if you do find this book, and it 'checks all the boxes' re: your wife's patterns, not to try to get her to "open up" about her sexual abuse history until she has dealt with it more in IC and can handle it with you. Sadly, if you were to do that you'd find yourself in the position of doing more damage; it is hard to explain this in a forum post. I just wanted to recommend this book to you since it helped me understand my spouse, and perhaps you will feel your perceptions about her validated.

All that doesn't change the fact that you have a right to have your feelings validated as an equal partner in this marriage. I hope this helps in some small way.

Bump by request

I just wanted to give an update regarding my situation.

My therapist's daughter thankfully got better so she was able to resume her practice, and my therapy resumed in January. I feel that the benefits of therapy come slowly, possibly not until after the therapy itself has finished. I have time and enough money, so I intend to continue my weekly sessions until I feel I no longer need them; months, probably.

If my therapy has a goal, it's to give me the strength to sit down with my wife and explain my feelings to her; my feelings regarding our lack of a sex life mainly, but also possibly the affair. I have taken a first step - I wrote my wife a letter and gave it to her, a couple of months ago. We haven't followed that up with a conversation yet, but that's my intention. This is incredibly difficult, probably due to my 'blocked' mental state. I am struggling to find the words that I will use. I'm not looking for advice: this is my challenge alone.

That's all for now.

Thanks for checking in - it really helps readers who are on a similar journey to see the progression.
Glad you are prioritizing your self, and hope you get what you are hoping for.

Well, a huge reason why being betrayed is so painful and cause such a deep anger and rage, is that they tend to illustrate what we feel is at least, a deep lack in us. Yes, other people are supposed to respect our boundaries. But we need to be strong enough to enforce our boundaries. You seem to have a deep pattern your entire life of not standing up for yourself--including stuffing your anger and rage, and so you do not respect yourself.

No doubt your not being able to stand up for yourself with your WW, is a big reason why your WW is not sexually attracted to you either, frankly.

Anyway, yes, your WW is 100% at fault for cheating, I edited this in and I should have been clearer with this the first time. It is on us to step up and enforce our own boundaries however when someone betrays us. And not doing that tends to engender the feeling of further disrespect--which is why the pick-me dance does not work. And so I try to get BHs angry so that they take action with their lives and stop playing the simp which is what you are doing now. You can find your voice and turn your life around--most likely without your WW that is--I hope you do so.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:47 AM, Monday, April 6th]

Writing the letter is a step in the right direction. Keep working on it. You deserve to express your feelings to your WW for both of your sakes. Don’t abandon the work. Good luck.