SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wish it were possible to tag people on this forum! I just wanted to respond to the most recent comments.

Yes, working on yourself is really quite the challenge. My therapist seems good: when I start to explain things using analogies (which I do a lot, both to myself and to others) she guides me away from analogies and generalities and back to the specifics of my feelings. Recently, she has challenged me on my fear - why I'm afraid to express my needs, desires, likes and dislikes in simple terms - and what our marriage means, given the lack of sex at present. Sometimes I feel it easy to respond to what she asks me and other times I'm dumbfounded. What, exactly, am I afraid of?

A few days ago, I plucked up courage to have a conversation with my wife, leading on from the letter. She reiterated that she understood what I was saying in the letter and was grateful that it didn't make her feel guilty. I spoke about my need for physical intimiacy - sex - and she said how she had no natural urge but would be open to developing a physical relationship given that it's important to me, and we discussed some specifics regarding that. She said she was glad we were talking about now and the future, rather than anything "historical" (her word.) More than this was said, of course: I can't reproduce everything here.

I came away from this conversation glad that we'd had it, pleased with how it had gone and, at the same time, with the strong feeling that it can only be part of a much longer process, in which we will face difficulties. Forum members may not believe me when I say I have no desire for her to feel guilty but, at the same time, I do think it's important for her to understand the cloud I've been living under for the last decade and a half - not to punish her, but to bring her gently to an understanding that our marriage will be so much better if we can face what happened together, and make commitments to our relationship in the future.

I'll reiterate something I've believed for a long time, and I've said on this forum: affairs happen. They're part of human nature. Yes, they're bad - but they're a consequence, at least in part, of the very strong influence sex has over our lives which, in reality, we very rarely talk about, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Imagine how that conversation would have gone in my case. Me: "I have an unquenchable sexual attraction towards you, and am intimidated by your past (apparent) sexual confidence;" her: "I've never felt it's a big deal to have one-night stands; sometimes I've done it because I felt I couldn't say 'no'; sometimes I need to feel desired, in an animal sense, by a man who I could never love but perceive as more masculine as you." Obviously, I'm making up my wife's side of that conversation - but that's the point: these feelings exist - something caused her to have sex with another man to the point of intoxication - but, I would argue, these feelings are really pretty normal and common.

As for the natural urge—-

Studies show that women largely have responsive desire. I have some natural desire and initiate sometimes but largely even then it’s because we have been more affectionate around that time or have had extra emotional connection.

For some women, sex can also be transactional. Maybe not even consciously so. It is always my suspicion when men come and report a dead bedroom, yet their ws seemingly had a very sexually charged situation with the ap, I often believe there was some unrealistic expectation of what the payoff would be.

What I mean by that even may not have a lot to do with the AP. It certainly did not in my case.

In an affair there are various stimulants. One, it’s forbidden, so of course the adrenaline that you are doing something you shouldn’t be.(which we can be replicated in marriage by occasionally taking risks - on hikes, long car drives, etc)

Two, the ap isn’t often someone we know in a deep way and we project things onto them- oh he is romantic, or he will cherish me in a way that I never have been. Not in all cases, but in a majority of affairs that have been studied the payoff for women is about emotions and unrealistic expectations, escapism. Three, there is instability so there is a lot more effort to keep this unstable thing going for whatever pay off they are seeking and it’s really just their own narrative they are putting on it. Anyway, that’s my view of why someone could be more hyper sexual in an affair.

As far as building a better physical connection- if you all aren’t affectionate, change that habit and be intentional about it without the expectation of sex. Embrace more, kiss more. Give each other massages. Both of you should become more intentional about non-sexual bids for affection.

The other thing that surprisingly helped us in the aftermath of the affair was we had gone to one of the Gottman conferences and the best part of it were these question cards we took turns with. You can get the app that has them or they sell them as a card deck. Take an hour here or there and do this. It’s a great way to spend time in each others emotional world and while the questions seemed simple we had conversations that were enlightening and very connecting.

Go on dates, trips, add novelty where you can.

I suspect that if you strengthen your emotional connection, and non-sexual physical affection, this will help. Also- I can understand how over time you have probably stopped initiating because of her lack of interest being so deeply rejecting. We had to have a lot of discussions around in order to overcome that to create a system that creates less risk for both partners.

It sounds like things are moving in the right direction. At least she sounds willing to work on it.