SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@cometgirl

He said he’s going to stay in a hotel until he can find his own place to rent.

I still had the tracking app on my phone and saw that he went to his mums for awhile and then headed into town to a hotel. He has turned the app off now so I can’t see where he is now.

I hope he's not spending marital funds on this hotel!!

Hmmmmm…,,he turned off the app.

And he’s doing nothing wrong. 🤔 hmmm

I also believe more went down,during this little business trip.

You said you didn't think so..why lie?

He lied so he can continue to blame this all on you. He lied to make you the bad guy. It's tremendously cruel.

I called him on wed night because I was in a bad headspace because he hadn’t replied to my msgs. At first he didn’t answer so of course my mind went to "he can’t answer because she’s there" and when he finally called me back I was a mess. He said seeing me like that made him angry. He was so busy and had such full, exhausting days. He just couldn’t deal with my freaking out anymore. He said he could see that things were never going to change, I would always think he’s cheating no matter what he does to reassure me.

Yes, your emotions are overwhelming right now, but no, you're not to blame with his lack of ability to deal. What did he think would happen when you found out he was sleeping around?

As for the "blaming you for the D," early days after my A, I was fired up to D my BH. Even as long as a year ago (2yrs after DDay), I was sitting there, justifying to myself, "well, I tried. If he D's me now, I can say that I at least tried my best. Nothing wrong there- I've paid the price of my choices and am now absolved from much of the guilt."

See the shitty wayward thinking? Thinking that by doing "some work" we can pay the blood price for murdering our M's and be able to wash the blood from our hands.

His head is still up his ass, and yes, he's still sleeping with her. He slept with her on the trip too. I would be even more cruel and contemptuous of my BH after sleeping with my AP than I was on a typical day during my A.

Fucking A's. Wish I never had one. Wish you weren't in this place.

Adding this too:

It's time to get angry. REALLY angry. Your WS abused you! He took you for granted, lied, gaslighted and EXPOSED YOU TO STD's! What if he impregnated AP? He would be saddling your family with the burden of child support and brining AP into your life on a regular basis. If you read any of the dealing with OC threads, it's a shit sandwich times 100.

Tap into that anger. Somewhere in you is a woman very wronged. A woman who was good and loyal. A woman who didn't deserve the lying cheating (and unremorseful) bastard who bamboozled you into a life time's commitment.

He stole the best years of your life from you! Are you going to let him get away with that?

You deserve so much more.

Don't see this as a permanent way to be- I sat and marinated in my anger over my BH's treatment of me (there was a lot of abuse on both sides) and used it to justify my A. Too much anger for too long is not good and will poison your soul like it did mine. HOWEVER, anger is the call to action- it calls the energy and strength from within to stand up and make CHANGE. To make right the wrong done to you. Where is that strong and capable woman? She's in there, look for her and unleash her.

This seems to be a common theme: Focusing on our reactions rather than their own actions. My WH has done this to me several times over the years. I would discover his latest transgression (internet flirting, buying porn, making out with a co-worker, slamming me to said co-worker on a messaging app, etc.). I would call him out, he would apologize and "just want to move on." It wasn't that easy for me, so I would keep "dwelling" (his word) on it. Then rather than focusing on his actions, he would shift the entire problem on to my reactions. I was suddenly the bad guy because I couldn't just get over it. The truth is that he just didn't want to accept the blame so he shifted it over to me. I was suddenly the reason that we were having issues.

He can't do that with his latest transgression: A full-blown, two-year sexual and emotional affair. He will not blame me for my reaction. I will not allow it. He will take any wrath or punishment I dish out squarely on his shoulders. He will take decisive action to fix himself. If he does not, I'm out. I've told him that in no uncertain terms. I am giving him the ultimate gift of one last chance to get his shit together and be the man and the husband I deserve. He says this is what he wants and he will do anything to make it happen. So now I sit back, I watch and I wait. I don't trust him. I sometimes hold him at arm's length for my own protection. I watch him read the books. I listen and respond when he wants to read me the passages he highlighted. I listen while he tells me about the intake appointment with the therapy group he signed up with. I check the tracker app to make sure he hasn't turned it off again. I check the bank account and credit card to make sure he's not making suspicious charges or pulling out cash here and there (which he didn't do during the A and it was a huge bone of contention for the AP since she had to pay for everything they did...good! I'm glad it cost her!).

OP, I'm so sorry that your husband has chosen to give up rather than face his tremendous short-comings. I have so much empathy for you and your boys (I also have two boys). Please take care of yourself and lean on your friends and family. I hope you'll come to realize that you and your boys are worth much more than your WH knows. You have immense value that he simply does not deserve.

MB,

I'm sorry to read this. Running away, as he has done is cowardly. It is not abnormal for us waywards to do this though. I left my BS on many occasions when I felt more sorry for myself than I did for my BS, when my own self image was my top priority. As I said previously, your WS had not exited the affair, even if, and its a bit if, he is not stilly in contact with AP, he is still emotionally in the affair. I've no doubt he feels overwhelmed by everything that is going on and he is dealing with it as a wayward does....He has run away. He has run away from his responsibility to you, he had run away from his responsibility to the marriage and he has failed in the most basic levels of owning what he has done. He is the one to have moved out, so it is up to him to reinitiate communication. Try and keep records of all contact, keep a daily log. You're going through great trauma at the moment and it is so hard to remember everything that was said. Contact at this time should only be related to the children.

Speaking for myself, it took me years to fully accept and start owning my infidelity. I am very lucky that my BS has stuck with me while I got my head out of my ass. We do sometimes get there. I don't know if it is too late for you guys? I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through because of his actions, stick with the guys on here. The BS's can and do offer great support. I'm not sure you want to hear from a wayward at this time, so I will not post anything further. Stay strong and keep posting

I asked him straight away if anything had happened with AP because she was there. He said no. He had already said he couldn’t do this anymore so it’s not like he had any reason to lie.

I called him on wed night because I was in a bad headspace because he hadn’t replied to my msgs. At first he didn’t answer so of course my mind went to "he can’t answer because she’s there" and when he finally called me back I was a mess.

Do you really believe that?... that he has no reason to lie? What if you were to report the OW's affair with your husband to their boss or to her SO if she has one. What if you were to inform everyone in both your inner circles who she is and what she's done? What if you were to divorce your WH on grounds of adultery instead of "irreconcilable differences" or whatever. Seems to me there are plenty of reasons why he might lie.

The bottom line is that between the time he left and AFTER you observed that there was missing time when he was unaccounted for, he had some huge change of heart about his marriage and his family. Is that really believable to you? I'm seeing a giant red flag.

I called him on wed night because I was in a bad headspace because he hadn’t replied to my msgs. At first he didn’t answer so of course my mind went to "he can’t answer because she’s there" and when he finally called me back I was a mess.

He said seeing me like that made him angry. He was so busy and had such full, exhausting days. He just couldn’t deal with my freaking out anymore. He said he could see that things were never going to change, I would always think he’s cheating no matter what he does to reassure me.

I brought up about leaving his job again- if he left 3 months ago like he said he would, I wouldn’t be freaking out like this.

I just can’t believe he’s given up so quickly.

He gave up quickly because he wasn't really invested in making this work. If he had been, his empathy would be with you. He'd have educated himself on what to expect and he would have known that three months is too soon to expect you to recover from the trauma he has created.

Instead, he has decamped to a hotel where you can't watch him. So yeah, it doesn't look good.

He's going to be counting on your tears and your paralysis. Instead, you should see an attorney and open up a big can of whoop-ass on him. Inflict some REALITY. Tell the boss. Threaten to sue. If you can sue the OW for alienation of affections, go for it. File on grounds of adultery. Put him on the record as an adulterer. Inform all your support network and draw your friends and family to your defense. What have you got to lose that' not already gone??

I would call him out, he would apologize and "just want to move on." It wasn't that easy for me, so I would keep "dwelling" (his word) on it. Then rather than focusing on his actions, he would shift the entire problem on to my reactions. I was suddenly the bad guy because I couldn't just get over it.

This is just another variation of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). They can't really deny their guilt, but they can emphasize the reversal of victim and offender and they do. Once you see it, you can't un-see it.

Dear MumaBear1978, I so much admire you and your strength! I read your threads and I can relate to some of the things you wrote about.

Let me tell you something: you DID NOT ask for too much! You, in fact, asked for too little! I also asked for too little, and it is something I realized years after DDay.

1. Many people will tell you that leaving the job is a must. You did not demand that, neither did I. That shows that, despite our pain and mess in our heads, we were rational enough to recognize the importance of financial aspects. Yes, family is more important than money, but your family requires food and shelter as well as emotional stability! And sometimes it is simply not possible to find a new job so quickly.

2. You did not demand that he cancels his work trips, knowing that AP will be there. I made it clear to my WS that there’s absolutely no way he’s going to work trips or any other events where she’ll be present. You said his work trips are non-negotiable. This tells me, once again, that you sacrificed your own well-being for your family. That is incredibly kind and something to be proud of!

3. You said they went to the gym together. And he is still going to the gym. Many betrayed spouses would not be comfortable with that, including me. He should be grateful that you did not ask him to stop doing something he enjoys. And you had every right to do so.

4. You asked for reassurance, affection and understanding – that is the minimum we can ask for. And he half-assed it and gave up after only 3 months?!!! Incredible.

-----------------------------------------

One thing I noticed throughout your posts – I think you may be suffering from fear of abandonment. You are so afraid of losing him that you don’t even feel safe to fully express how you feel, whenever you feel it and for as long as you feel it. I can read it in your posts. And now your worst nightmare came true – he left. I am worried how will this affect you and your self-esteem. I am worried whether you’re going to blame yourself and feel like you pushed him to leave. I am worried that will make you beg him for forgiveness, do the "pick me dance" and neglect your own needs, just to make him happy so that he comes back. Please, don’t do this to yourself.

1. You mentioned you have a long history of mental health issues that caused problems in your marriage before the affair. But let me ask you – what did he do to fight for you and with you back then, to help with those mental issues and to fix the problems? Is it possible that he also contributed to those pre-affair problems? Maybe he avoided the confrontation and expect of you to solve your problems on your own. Maybe he did his best to work with you, saw no results, then gave up and decided to just kick the can down the road instead of leaving you. In both cases, it’s a weakness in his character. Instead of facing the reality and doing something about it, he chose to be avoidant and to build up resentment. The affair is just one manifestation of his escapist nature. And the fact that he gave up after only 3 months shows that as well. The fact that he made his leaving about you and your recent state of mind (even though he is the one responsible for that state of mind!), shows that he is unwilling to work on himself, and to acknowledge and face his own mental issues. That is definitely not your fault!

2. You know that you are afraid of losing him. I saw that in your posts. I think it’s pretty safe to assume he is aware of that as well. Instead of making you feel safe, he said a bunch of things to scare you even more. He told you he is emotionally exhausted, he worries he’ll start to resent you, he’s wondering what’s the point, he feels pressured by you, he said he feels like he’s walking on eggshells, and so on. He has every right to express how he feels, but did he do it in a loving and sensitive way, accompanied by reassurance that he does not intend to leave you? I don’t think so, otherwise you wouldn’t feel so threatened by his words. Maybe I’m wrong, but it looks to me like he was playing on your fears and is still doing that. That is manipulative. As if he’s saying: "Look, I’m tired of this crap, if you don’t stop X, I will not be happy. And if I’m not happy, I’m leaving." Well, let me tell you – the only crap that you need to get rid of is the fear of losing him. Once you get rid of that mentality, you will be able to see things more clearly and stand up for yourself.

Aside from my comment on your other post, I refrained from commenting since you really wanted to reconcile. But I could see red flags all over the place.

- After a few months he began to basically be all "when are you gonna start moving forward" or "it doesn't matter what I do."

- He won't leave his job (and apparently sounded like he didn't WANT to leave his job), which is an important requirement in showing he was committed.

- Setting up a one-sided deal where the marriage ends if you drink, but not if he continues to work with OW.

- Now this.

He's not a candidate for reconciliation. His head is still firmly lodged up his ass. And I'm willing to bet that he did have contact with OW sometime in that space where he didn't contact you. He has every reason to lie. And now the final red flag comes as him turning off the tracker app.

You can survive this. You can go on without him.

I think you need to prepare yourself for inevitable phone call..

"I love you,but I can not keep feeling blamed. We must stop talking about it,you need to let it go. If you promise to do so,I will come back. But you can not bring up the affair,or the other woman ever again. You must trust me. And I will never bring up your drinking."

He has been equating finding you passed out one time, to his months long affair. As if his affair is equal somehow. As if his "pain" is equal to yours. And that's a load of shit.

Do not agree to rugsweep,to get him back. That will eat at your soul. You will lose respect for him,but more importantly for yourself. You have been terribly abused. Don't agree to allow anymore.

@Hannah47

You are 100% right. I have a massive fear of abandonment. I am adopted. It is built into my character. I have always been afraid of him leaving me, even before all of this happened.

A big part of my anxiety and drinking was due to that fear. Even without this happening, it prob would have always been there. But now it has completely overtaken me. My brain is like "see? You always knew you weren’t good enough. He was always going to leave you sooner or later".

Yes I blame myself. I put him through over a decade of stress and worry. He didn’t say anything. He just picked me up and stood by me every time I fell down. That took a toll on him. He said he regrets not talking to me years ago about how that affected him. How he could only be strong for both of us for so long and now he’s got nothing left. He never sought counseling to help him deal with these feelings until recently when he realised he needed to work through this stuff and also work out why he cheated. I have been in therapy on and off for decades. I told him he’s not going to process this stuff in 3 or 4 visits. I have no idea if he’s planning to continue going.

Just as an aside, he went to a gym with her near work which is over an hour’s drive away. The gym he’s been going to lately is 5 min away from our house and he goes with our 19 year old son so it wasn’t a concern for me.

Yes I blame myself. I put him through over a decade of stress and worry. He didn’t say anything. He just picked me up and stood by me every time I fell down.

Nope nope nope! Do you see how wrong the narrative above is?

Why didn’t he say anything? Isn’t it normal in marriages to address the issues? To discuss all the events that affect us, to search support, to work on things? Can you not see his conflict avoidance character? OP a spouse who doesn’t say anything and doesn’t address marriage issues isn’t something to admire but something to make you realise they were always the cheater you see today at their core.

He didn’t address it he just avoided it. That isn’t what support looks like. That isn’t what leaning on each other in a relationship is. That is just cowardice, keeping the peace because he couldn’t be asked to put real effort in supporting you.

He stood by you? No he didn’t. He had an affair. A three year affair! This wasn’t a "fleeting affair", a "mistake", a "oops, I happened to end up kissing this woman and one thing led to another". He built a proper relationship with this woman.

OP you know what a lot of caught WSes do when caught by their spouses having an work affair? They go in damage control hoping that if they lay low they can continue as before. I’ve told you this before, can you really imagine two adult people working for the same company not talking anymore after a long term relationship because the wife said so? The only way that would happen is if the WS was already wondering how to end it.

This affair never ended. I’m sorry but everything points to that. They just kept a low profile. Work trips together and they didn’t talk? I would have believed all this, all of it, if your WH was committed to saving your relationship. If he would have ensured none of your calls go unanswered. If he would have been truly dedicated to ensuring you receive all the reassurance needed.

My WH recently went to a work dinner. We’re 5 years out. I don’t get panic attacks anymore but I do still get the fleeting “what if” moment. Within 20 min of arriving there my WH sent me a picture stating “lovely food” showing everyone around the table. I did not ask for one. We did not even discuss how I may feel. And yet graciously he sent a reassurance picture, we both knew what that was actually about. 5 years later. And your WH could not do that 3 months post dday?

This has nothing to do with you and your past. A healthy person in your WH’s shoes would have dealt with it in a healthy way, addressing it, supporting you or getting out of the marriage if things were that bad. Not by going window shopping to see if he can find a replacement. How is that standing by you? How is not addressing it but having an affair and blaming you for it standing by you? How is someone inflicting such pain on the mother of his kids, knowing fully well she already dealt with mental health issues, someone supportive?

Can you not see it? He isn’t worried you will relapse, he isn’t worried how you will cope now, he went out and turned his location off. Why would he do that if he isn’t planning to meet his AP?

I’m going to ask you one more thing that hopefully will give you some food for thought (you don’t need to answer me): how did the OW react to the affair ending post discovery? According to your husband? Did she accept it and faded into insignificance? And if so, do you actually believe that is possible, a woman invested 3 years into an affair and then when caught by the wife she went "oh right, sorry, I’ll make myself invisible"? (If you keep reading the forums you will find that most ow’s, invested ones like the one in your case, are not reacting so nicely, disappearing without any noise, when an affair TRULY ends.)

I know this is painful as hell, I truly hope you stop blaming yourself and find your anger. Let me tell you this: if my husband starts drinking tomorrow I guarantee you that it will not make me want to go find a penis to “fix” the problem. I may divorce him but I’m adult enough to know that fu*king someone else will not fix his drinking problem, nor fix my marriage. Give that some thought.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 10:12 PM, Friday, May 13th]

So very sorry, MumaBear. Absolutely cruel and unfair.

But add me to the list of people who do not think your WH went to a 6-day conference with his three-year long AP, a relationship that ended only a few months ago where he said he had feelings for her, and then--TOTALLY UNRELATED--came home and decide he just "could not" make it work. There is no way those two things are unrelated, but of course that's just my gut talking.

I think he's only jumping because he has a soft place to land (soft meaning available, validating his shitty choices, and helping him avoid real accountability to those he is actually accountable to in this life). It's sooooo much easier to start a new relationship than fix the one you broke. It's like hiding. Or playing dress up. You just block out the hard stuff in life--the real stuff, you put your blinders on to play your new part, and then you start your new role where you are the shiny and perfect hero.

But grown ups don't do this because it is immature, avoidant, and leaves carnage in its wake. Other people are not simply the collateral damage of your shitty choices. Good people hold their head up high and answer to these people in their life. They don't hide. Or jump into a new role. It's called having a mature, grown up relationship.

I am so very sorry. How are your boys doing?

how did the OW react to the affair ending post discovery? According to your husband? Did she accept it and faded into insignificance?

@Luna10

She was the one who called me to tell me everything when he told her he couldn’t continue living that way and wanted to try to make things work with me.

He called her again in front of me so I could hear from her that it was over.

He went to the office to bring home what he needed to work from home. She was there waiting for him. My mum went with him bc I was scared she might be there. They sat down and talked. My mum told her in no uncertain terms what she thought of her. She told my mum "your daughter can have him. I don’t want anything to do with him".

I msgd him earlier just to ask again if something had happened with her and he’s still saying no. He finally admitted

"The love I need to stay in our relationship is broken, there is too much pain and resentment there. It can't be fixed. I'm not in love with you, I tried to fix it, I really did but it can't be fixed. I'm so sorry".

@owningitnow

They are confused. Angry. My 13 year old didn’t really understand and asked me last night how long he’s going to be away this time. He thought it was just going to be a few weeks like the start of the year. I had to tell him he’s not coming back.

I just keep telling them that we have to be strong for each other and hug them and tell them how much I love them.

[This message edited by MumaBear1978 at 3:36 AM, Saturday, May 14th]

"Tried to fix it." Dude made it 3 months before throwing in the towel. Just barely out of the starting gate in this process.

Probably for the best in the long-run. Pardon me if I sound callous. But he's both shown and told you that he's not up to the task of doing the work.

Don't contact him anymore. At this point, any further contact other than kids is just going to keep setting you back.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:39 AM, Saturday, May 14th]

The love I need to stay in our relationship is broken, there is too much pain and resentment there. It can't be fixed. I'm not in love with you, I tried to fix it, I really did but it can't be fixed. I'm so sorry".

Yeah… this man is awful. I am so very sorry.

It’s like someone intentionally pushing a person down a flight of stairs and breaking every bone in her body. Then he tries to set her bones straight for a couple of hours while she cries in agony. He then says “oh well, i can’t fix it. The damage is too great and she’s over reacting. So I am going to leave”

And leaves the victim laying on the floor dying a painful and slow death.

NO!!!! That is so wrong.

He needs to take responsibility. He needs to stay and make sure she gets the help she needs. He needs to sit by her side while she recovers and learns to walk again. Because HE caused the damage. Because HE was the perpetrator. He doesn’t get to just walk away because HE feels like he can’t fix it.

I am angry for you.

You deserve better. At least you don’t deserve this kind of abuse. Your husband is clearly not remorseful or contrite. He feels entitled to have his side piece while you are shattered to pieces. He doesn’t care about his children either. What kind of a man abandons his boys>

I hope you can be strong and start to take your power back.

I agree with Fork027. You need to cut off contact with him. Read up on 180 in the healing library.

We are standing with you.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 3:57 AM, Saturday, May 14th]

This man is a chickenshit. Whether he is still seeing her or not (and not one of us is stupid), he is not interested in doing the intense self-reflection and work it will require for him to be safe for you. This means that it is more than likely that he would continue to be a cheater. He has no integrity and is obviously not interested in getting any. As a chickenshit, he will continue to lie, throw you under the bus and play the victim every time he feels controversy coming his way, which, BTW, is inevitable in life. Therefore, he will continue to hide behind fucked up coping strategies (like OW). He is just too chickenshit to be a partner who can protect you or your kids.

He was too chickenshit to stand up for his family, to find another job to protect you and your kids, to tell the truth, to bear witness to the devastation he caused you, to be a father your kids could rely on, to be a husband you could rely on, to stand behind his word when he broke up with his whore, to stand behind his vow to you, to take responsibility for his actions, etc., etc., etc. Not a person who you would want in your corner, whether married to them or not.

It takes a lot of courage to really see yourself, acknowledge your character defects, understand the wrongs that you have perpetrated on others and work to make them right. If he is unable to do that, any future that you might have had with him would be full of misery and chaos. Your kids do not need to see this sorry excuse for an adult as any sort of aspiration. I agree with BluerThanBlue:

Let the garbage take itself out.

I remember the endless days and nights of unendurable pain and rage and grief. I remember wanting to drive into a concrete wall to end the agony. I am so sorry that you are in this place. Sadly, only time will make any dent in the misery. Hang in there for your kids and for yourself ...... it does get better.