SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What I’ve been thinking about it right from the very beginning she never could accept she has done something wrong and she put all the blame on me, I ran with that and I felt so guilty that I had got my marriage in this state and I think that’s what has driven me so long.

Now I am thinking WTF anything I have done doesn’t come anywhere near justifying the decisions she made and continues to make.

You NEVER were responsible for this --even if there were issues in the marriage, her cheating is 100% on HER.

She is reaping what she sowed -- destroyed her relationship with the kids (and PLEASE don't get in the middle of that and try to make your kids talk with her).

You KNOW what you have to do -- figure out WHY you'd put up with this so MANY times. When she leaves this time PLEASE DO NOT ever take her back. Block her, don't talk to her, do the 180 so that YOU can detach. With your IC you may want to talk about co-dependency. Find out why YOU felt the need to constantly put yourself back in to this awful situation.

Seriously when she moves out -- GHOST her. Do NOT talk with her, engage with her in any way OTHER than to talk about the divorce (AND ONLY the divorce).

Have you made your appointment with a lawyer yet (if no, why not?)

Thanks for the responses I really appreciate them and I know what your saying is so true that I am keeping myself in this situation because at the end of the day I have a choice too.

Look we all kow this stuff isn't back and white and its a process for both the betrayed and the betrayer and I feel in my gut that there are times she isn't really sure of what she is doing (leaving to be with AP) and at times I have thought of asking her just to leave and live with her brother (thats where she'd have to go) but at the same time is that me pushing her one way or is that the answer that I need rather living in this limbo right now.

IWM I would find a real life friend that you can talk to and give you the harsh honest truth every time you consider Rec.

Make a list of all the shit she did to you and every time your about to smoke that hopium look at that list. If you have not already Block her on everything. She can only speak through your lawyer. It is time to get your self respect back. You did your best and she fucked it all up, not you!

Look we all kow this stuff isn't back and white and its a process for both the betrayed and the betrayer and I feel in my gut that there are times she isn't really sure of what she is doing (leaving to be with AP)

Nope. It’s very black and white. She knows exactly what she’s doing. You are making excuses so you don’t have to do anything.

at times I have thought of asking her just to leave and live with her brother (thats where she'd have to go) but at the same time is that me pushing her one way or is that the answer that I need rather living in this limbo right now.

You aren’t pushing her away. She’s already left.

Cheaters love to eat cake. Right now your lack of action just enables her further.

What are you getting out of living in limbo?

Ditto

[This message edited by Marz at 3:51 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

I read your title about still battling on and three thoughts jumped into my mind.

The first one was of Don Quixote charging windmills thinking them dragons. His problem was misunderstanding the enemy and the threats and fighting the wrong battles.

The second was of WW2 stories of Banzai charges. Brave, valiant charges destined to fail, yet repeated again and again…

The third was of George Washington. I don’t recall the exact numbers, but he took part in more battles where he was on the losing side than he won. Yet he won the Revolutionary War. Washington understood that winning battles doesn’t matter as much as winning the war does.

THIS IS BLACK AND WHITE.

It really is. It’s really that simple.

The issues IMHO are what do YOU accept and what you are OFFERED.

Let’s be real here: If she does not want a marriage along the terms and conditions you want then there isn’t any way you can change that. You can try negotiating – as you basically have been doing for some time – but if she doesn’t budge then that’s it. You either have to move your stance or leave the table.

Are you, your wife and the OM open for a polyamorous relationship? Would your wife be content with having both of you, but since it’s agreed on by all three it’s no longer infidelity? Is that something that’s agreeable to you? If not, then basically IT IS BLACK AND WHITE that your WW has chosen NOT to conform to the “normal” monogamous marriage. It really is that simple.

In the meantime, you have been dragged into the expenses of renting elsewhere for some time, “sacrificing” the family home and now sitting up with the family home once she moves out. Out to what? To be with OM or to be somewhere she can call you both at her convenience? What about next Christmas? Will it be your turn, or will she be with OM?

Friend – when is enough enough? I truly believe nearly all marriages can be salvaged IF THERE IS A MUTUAL WILL TO DO SO. I might read from what you share that she has expressed an occasional will to do so, but her repeated actions tell me she isn’t. I encourage you in the STRONGEST WAY POSSIBLE to accept that THIS marriage is over and to start the formal process of divorce. It might eventually feel like a Pyrrhic victory, but at least it will be directed at the correct enemy (infidelity) and it won’t be a futile repeated Banzai charge. If – during the process- your wife has a come-to-Jesus moment you can always reconsider.

I'm with everyone else brother. You have some severe codependency issues that you need to deal with. Get into IC pronto and deal with your issues.

Fix YOU. Your WW is unsalvageable. She is a broken person with no morals or integrity. She has no respect for you, herself or anyone else and she is toxic.

Love is a b!tch, isn't it? My WH is playing the blame game and doing everything in his power to emotionally manipulate me ... as if I am responsible for him cheating on me and I 'caused' him to behave like a narcissistic jerk. But, the love doesn't go away overnight.

Because I still love him and because am a caregiver, saying 'no' is the hardest thing I've ever done. But, The1stWife is right! Learn the word no, use it with your WW, and mean it. She has been using you and emotionally manipulating you, which is WRONG! I promise you that you will be better off standing up for yourself and setting those boundaries, even if you falter along the way.

My recommendation is to choose yourself always, and love yourself first! Give yourself the grace to stumble as you create this new habit for yourself.

But, you'll move forward in a healthier way, especially if you seek IC to work through any co-dependencies, trauma, depression, etc. that was brought on by her infidelity.

You've got this!

It IS black and white. You are being treated like yesterday's leftover meatloaf because you allow it. She uses you in the worst possible way, and you believe it's love. It's not love. It's a game to her. She is toxic.

you can love someone with all of your heart, and still divorce them.

I did this and never looked back. Once I realized that xWH was NOT going to give up the girlfriend I had to decide for myself and family that this behavior would NOT be allowed anymore.

Like you, I allowed the mistreatment because I wanted it to work. I didn't want to be a failure. I wanted to be loved, and he was the one who was supposed to give me that, so when he did I ate it all up. And guess what? I. LOST. SO. MUCH. TIME. OF. LIVING.

Take charge of your life. File for divorce. Kick her out. Get out of this relationship. It doesn't mean that, later on, you can't reconcile. But right now SHE. HAS. CHOSEN. HIM.

Brother, focus on you, your life with your children. Yes most have said IC etc, I just ask that you stop letting her tell you what she is doing, when and why.

Yes she is a terrible person, yes she is a terrible mother and wife. Yes you can do better. Some one did say than it is better to live alone than to live with infidelity.

Respect to you and just take one day at a time.

IWMWB - I just posted my 4 yrs out thread here in this forum. Go and take a look. Don't be hard on yourself for trying, but at some point you need to move ahead. I agree with the others, you should get into IC. Your WW sounds like she is hanging on to two monkey branches. Pull yours out and let her go to OM. Work on yourself and in time, you'll see that you're just deserving of way more than she has to offer.

I really appreciate the responses, as a logical human being I know I am keeping myself in this situation and I need to figure out why that is, why I would accept this situation as readily as I have.

Its not about being scared to be alone because I moved out at one point to get peace from this and I was getting on with things and paving my way forward and then moved back when I thought she wanted to give it another shot.

So where are we now? she is saying she is honestly not sure what she really wants and she isn't swayed about leaving or staying. Is this about the most honest she has been? I have no idea because so much shit has happened I don't know if its real or if its just another tactic she needs to use to make life easier before she's able to leave.

She hasn't been with the O/M for over a week as she has been at home and not gone out at any point other than with me. We sleep separately so she could be texting him, not that it matters as its no secret that they are together at this point.

If there is a common thread in ALL the responses to your situation then it’s for you to decide what YOU want.

Your response now focuses on what she wants.

What do you want?

Be realistic. I want to be rich but I don’t plan on being rich by expecting to win the lottery. I wont come back here after next weekend sharing how the lottery failed me. Its not in my control. I can’t really impact that.

If your title is your wish: IWMWB then really share with us what you want and what compromises you are willing to make. Where is your line in the sand?

She hasn't been with the O/M for over a week as she has been at home and not gone out at any point other than with me. We sleep separately so she could be texting him, not that it matters as its no secret that they are together at this point.

You focus too much on what she is doing. What about you? As Bigger said, "What do you want?" it always comes down to that point of "your want". Will you be able to live with her being the plan B? Because you have a life to live with or without her. And being indecisive is also a kind of pick-me-dance.

she is saying she is honestly not sure what she really wants and she isn't swayed about leaving or staying

please don't live like this, you deserve better

this is limbo

she has a choice and the choice is not you

you deserve to be loved and valued

find someone who values you

Is she your one true love, your one and only? I don't know the answer.

Are you the same to her? NO! (this one I do know the answer)

Don't do this to yourself. Move on. Life is too short.

Hello,

I guess this is where I am struggling myself, what do I really want, and that can change from one thing to another. One one hand I want my marriage to be saved and for us to work at it and hopefully have a renewed marriage by the end of it, however on the other hand I know that a marriage takes two and right now with her indecisiveness she is not invested. If she truly is undecided I don't want to push her one way or the other but I also don't want to live like this for much longer and there are times I feel relief at the thought of her going.

She has bounced back between myself and AP for the last year and I am exhausted. Take my heart out of the equation I know I have done ALL of the heavy lifting so far, I have got us in a better position financially and worked on myself the periods she has been gone. I need to figure how much more time I am willing to live like this because I am totally exhausted.

she is saying she is honestly not sure what she really wants and she isn't swayed about leaving or staying.

Cake eaters love cake. Maybe you should stop feeding her.

She may have put you in limbo but YOU are keeping yourself there.

I suspect your W has made her decision and it’s not you.

I was in the same position for 10 months.

My STBXWW would say "I'm conflicted" "I'm on the fence"

It took a while for my head to catch up with my heart.

That's why I used the words above...my STBXWW was my one and only true love, there was no one I held higher than her in that regard...I was clearly not hers or she would not be "on the fence."

I wish you the best, but keep thinking about whether you are her one and only and how that feels.

If she truly is undecided I don't want to push her one way or the other

But if you want to get out of limbo and find a happy life, whether she comes with you or not, that is exactly what you MUST do.

Wedding vows don’t say, “til death do us part .... or at least til someone interesting comes along”.

Being unsure about her marriage MEANS you no longer actually have a marriage. There is nothing about being wedded to someone that allows for one partner to leave and come back and leave and come back and leave again. She is showing you by her actions that she is no longer invested in this marriage.

The only way you are going to find your way out of this, is by actually declaring that YOU ARE NO LONGER INTERESTED IN A LIFE WITH A SPOUSE WHO ISNT SURE YOU ARE THEN ONE FOR HER.

So I highly recommend telling her “I am no longer interested in playing this waiting game. I need a partner who knows I am their only person, their soulmate, and doesn’t hold anyone else in their heart. It is not enough anymore for you to tell me I am the one. You need TO PROVE IT TO ME. So until that happens, until you have not only started the work to figure out what is wrong with you and who you want, but you have actually COMPLETED THAT WORK, I am moving on. I want you to leave. I refuse to live my life in limbo one minute longer. Go figure out what you want, and I will NOT be holding my breath and waiting for you to make that happen. Life is too short and I’m getting on with mine. Your only chance with me is to fix yourself, prove to me you have, and hope I even care anymore once you do. “

Then stop talking about it with her. Please my friend, move on. “Fool me once” and all that.

For your own sake I hope you can take this approach and get yourself closer to finding a happy life. Only she can decides if she follows you to it. Only thing you can do is to stop futility following her on her rollercoaster ride.