SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He has made threats to kill another man for touching me.

Oh that's rich.

These stupid abusive waywards are all the same. How f****** pathetic. But I agree cats, stay well outside your circle of acquaintances. There are billions of people in the world. Surely you can find one that doesn't know him.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:45 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

100% in the same boat. In the Five Love Languages, I tied Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. For me, I get a deep, deep emotional and physical bond from being with my lover.

And my STBEW is the only person I've ever been with consentually. I've got that connection to her, and it feels like she took it away and gave it to two (or three or four or ten, I don't know) other people. In the last two years (2018 and 2019) we had sex 12 times. 8 times in 2018 and 4 times this year, last one on June 19th. Every single one of them was her laying there on her back or sticking her backside in the air and being like "Do what you g otta do, and don't take too long."

No foreplay, no pillowtalk, no leading up to it or anything, just "get it done." And she has mocked me for having performance issues with her.

I've never been a hookup kind of guy, but ya know what, right now, I could go for a few goddamn hookups. I wanna sever that connection I have with her and find someone enthusiastic that finds me attractive.

My STBEW hasn't said I was attractive since 2007, just before she had her first affair. She hasn't allowed me to "perform" for her since 2013. She hasn't said "I love you" since 2014. She hasn't "performed" for me since 2016. We haven't done anything but but the basic 2 positions since 2017.

Yeah. YEAH. I get it. It may have only been 3 months since I've gotten laid, but it's been years and years and years since I've made love, and knowing that she's been having wild, crazy threesome sex is making it a million times worse.

So I feel your pain.

He has made threats to kill another man for touching me. It can not be anyone he knows.

Oh oh oh REALLY????? So, all good for him to fuck people while you're married but nooooooo what a piece of shit. He doesn't OWN you. Oh what a douche.

@DevastatedDee I think that's great you got that boost. No shame here lady!

But funny that he didn't know what he was doing.

I don't really feel like being in the teaching mode, I just want to get mine.

@WTB and DevastatedDee, right?!?! He's still in denial. Never would give me the full truth. Everything has always been a lie. But all Summer he threatened to kill a man that didn't exist. As if I'd stoop to his level.

He paid for a hookup (I call them fuck sites) site when I was going through what I thought was the worse UTI of my life. It was 5 months I lived with this before I was diagnosed with high-tone pelvic floor dysfunction and my muscles were pushing on my bladder making me feel like I had a UTI. THE WORST FEELING EVER. Instead of being a supportive partner, he started looking online for locals to fuck. And he wants to come at me

@Incarnate, you shouldn't try with her anymore. If she's off giving it to anyone and everyone else, maybe you should too.

Clearly she doesn't deserve you or your love. I hope you find your way out of the situation you are in with her. Getting out of it is probably the only way you'll heal.

((Hugs))

OLD truly is NOT scary. Maybe it’s my demographic, or location, but it’s been awesome. I had only ever one bad date,it was just weird because he was a lot older than he said and he brought his son who was closer to my age than him. Who brings their adult son on a date?! I hightailed it out of there.

Everyone else has just been a normal person looking for someone, just like me. It’s fun. It’s refreshing. If I want to sleep with them, I do. It is a bit disconcerting that men my age (45, though everyone I’ve dated has been younger) assume they are the only one I’m dating. That’s a bit weird...I feel like we need a conversation to establish that. That’s not what I’m about at the moment, though it seems one guy it’s getti g there. Maybe. I do t know if I want that.

Anyway, do it!! Make a tinder and just go see. Meet in public places obviously. Do some research (I image search and all kinds of stuff because paranoid someone is married...thanks, low life cheating asshat).

And Incarrnate, move on. Please. There is a world out there with someone so much better. Trust me, I know how you feel- I thought of course he can get young hot women, he can pay for them, I’m old and unattractive...it’s not true. What your brain says is NOT true.

You will make love again. Taking the step is frightening, but you can do it.

I’m sorry she hurt you that way. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, even my WH. It is hell.

Oh, for sure. The last time I 'tried' was August 7th, but as soon as I made a move, she was like, "I'm on my period. No."

Well. Okay then. I guess it didn't matter that, according to my tracking of her cycle (which I did to make sure I didn't approach her during that time) she was still a week out. It was one week before DDay 2, so I knew something was up, but I didn't know precisely what it was.

But yeah. Not even trying anymore. We aren't in R. We are DEFINITELY separated and -done- as far as any sort of sexual relationship goes.

ETA: Besides, I did get a clean bill of health from my STD screening, and I don't want to endanger that by rubbing up against a dumpster.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 10:33 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

@Incarnate, you need to stop cohabiting with that woman!

On the flip side, has anyone else reached a state of sexless-monk-nirvana? For how long did it last?

I feel like I waited out the need to find someone new and have filled my day with so much crap that I don't even have time to think about this stuff--for better or worse, I haven't decided. I'm too young to think that this lingering feeling of "things are fine, let's not ruin a good thing" will last forever, especially on the having sex front.

AG, I had the sexless monk Nirvana for all of 2018. It was fabulous. I built this whole life for myself that had nothing to do with sex. And then I randomly met a cute man. And I woke up. and started dating, and immediately met SO. Now I think about sex all day long. It's kind of annoying sometimes. Like, what are my other interests again?

If I didn't meet that first random guy, I would have been happy as a sexless clam indefinitely.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:54 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

My sexless monk Nirvana spanned from March 2014 until February 2016. I had no urge to even look at a man, let alone bump uglies with one.

I've met a few "friends with benefits" off of Tinder....I was very up front with them (which they appreciated, since their experience was mostly women who got really attached after sex). I was very inexperienced when I got with my ex in 1998. But once I started sleeping with men, I became a new woman.

I will always remember my first experience post divorce. It was awesome. I'm also a lot "fluffier" than I used to be and was a bit self conscious at first. This guy made me feel so beautiful, so desirable and made me realize that I've still got it, stretchmarks and flab and all!

I discovered that I think more stereotypically like a man about sex than a woman - I have no problems with NSA sex in any way, shape or form. I'm always safe, I get regularly STD tested (because you just never know!) and I always make sure to meet them in public a few times first and that someone knows exactly where I am if I decide to go for it.

I actually find the opposite problem now - the men that I would consider a relationship with I save sex for as long as possible. I don't want to blur the lines between "friend with benefit" and "dating with purpose."

As a woman, it really is pretty easy to find sex. I'm not a model, I'm a size 16, and I'm a mom. But I'm also a person with desires that refuses to let my ex take anymore time away from me.

Good luck with your mission

I just realized that my post wasn't factual. I said when I was separated that I thought about sex all the time. The truth is, I don't need to be separated for that.

I sometimes wonder what my wife and I would talk about if we weren't constantly talking about all the dirty things we want to do with each other.

@Incarnate I could not imagine. I am very sorry.

To all the women talking about younger men. I recently had this conversation with a female friend. She is very fit and very sexual. She echoes all the things you guys are saying about the good and bad. She has one young guy she sees and she says conversation with him is taxing. The sex is ok from a mental standpoint but that he is all about himself and clueless. She prefers older men.

This, of course, made me feel good, even if I am not out in the dating world, it was comforting to know that there is still a market for middle-aged me for more than just security.

Cats,

I applaud you!

Your predicament is exactly what FWB and NSA would be perfect for!

Get your freak on, find a buddy who is unattached, cute, and have at it!It’s 2019, go for it!

Shortly after separating from my XSO (we were not married, cohabiting) I was in the same boat. I was craving intimacy like when I was a teenager (I was 57 when I separated).

I went on OLD, went on several dates, with ladies in my age group (within 5 years older/younger). I was honest with the ladies that I met. Told them I was not looking for a long term relationship, but rather wanted a FWB type thing.

I was surprised at the amount of ladies that were open to this type of relationship. I enjoyed this for a few months, and have since stopped this type of behavior. It really isn't my thing.

But it did help with the craving at the time.

Now I am thinking about looking for a LTR. I am feeling a need for an emotional attachment to go along with the sex.

To all the women talking about younger men. I recently had this conversation with a female friend. She is very fit and very sexual. She echoes all the things you guys are saying about the good and bad. She has one young guy she sees and she says conversation with him is taxing. The sex is ok from a mental standpoint but that he is all about himself and clueless. She prefers older men.

So I am dating someone younger, a lot younger. He has a masters in aviation and is a jet pilot. The conversations are NOT lacking, he has the highest emotional IQ of anyone I have ever met. He is SMART and perceptive. He has also been betrayed and has helped with my healing. Sex is outstanding, so much better then the ex. He wears me out. Lol The down side - get prepared to get judged by just about everyone. Men don’t go through this...they can date someone 10-15 years younger and not much is said. For women it’s un-acceptable. So was interracial dating at one time.

Chose your friend wisely ladies! Younger guys can be great when not looking for LTR

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 2:26 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

@AbandonedGuy - if my vag didn't feel like it had a heart beat of it's own this past week (sorry if TMI ...again) and is going to explode if I don't do something real about it, then, originally, I felt like I was heading the sexless-monk-nirvana way. Like I said, it's just been this last week this uncontrollable urge to have it has come over me. Maybe it's all the tension I have that has added up from the separation, move, and the stress of school. Maybe it's psychological, but that part of my body feels like it has a mind of it's own right now and it's not saying no.

On the flip side, has anyone else reached a state of sexless-monk-nirvana?

Sometimes I think I need to get here... As it doesn't matter how many profiles I make, with the exception of a fling in late 2016.. and the muddying of waters with my ex.. The well has just been dry for me.

FWB/NSA is exactly what I'm looking for right now. Unfortunately, OLD in my area is... pretty slim. We have a HUGE meth and heroin problem in our isolated corner of Northern California, and those seem to be the ones on all the OLD apps. I opened the criteria from 20-40 in age range and extended up to 50 miles away, but I run through the prospects any time I scroll through them without finding someone I'm attracted to or compatible with.

I don't mind having someone inexperienced; I have some tricks up my sleeve that I'm confident about, and tbh, I'm mostly about pleasing my partner. Mine is pretty much guaranteed. However, ALL of them are either;

a) NO HOOKUPS/FWB/SHORT TERM, LOOKING FOR MARRIAGE

b) simply unattractive to me, and I refuse to relax my standards. My ex did, but I will not. She may have an ugly soul, but she is very physically attractive, and I will not backslide out of desperation.

or c) ex/current addicts, and that is very unattractive to me.

So it looks like I get to do things the old fashioned way and actually LEAVE the house to meet people. Maybe I can work on my pickup lines and schmoozing. It'd be the first time I ever did as an adult.