SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t think it’s a matter of having enough information to walk away.

It’s a matter of having enough information to know ALL of what you need to heal from.

A wiser member than me describes infidelity as “always being a dealbreaker. Always.”

I didn’t understand what he meant, because I was hoping to rebuild my marriage at the time. And that healing process is actually going well, but not until I fully understood what what happened and how my wife was able to be the partner I needed NOW — with the pain of discovery.

Broken deal doesn’t mean it’s over, it just means some work ahead to repair it.

If you take away ANYTHING from this forum, understand the concept of rugsweeping. Trying to push forward and pretending life is all good will come back to haunt you.

Infidelity is indefensible, even in a ‘perfect storm’ scenario.

Your own explanations contradict what happened.

It can’t be a “hurt your spouse before they hurt you” AND a healthy, happy marriage.

Key word being hurt.

If someone knows an action will hurt you, and they do it anyway, it can’t possibly be a healthy version of love.

I’m all for someone seeing the best in another human being, regardless of what they’ve done. That empathy comes in handy if you move forward together. It helped me in my relationship rebuild.

Just don’t rush it.

It takes longer than you want to heal from this and it takes forever if you don’t fully address the trauma.

I can hope her feet have paralleled mine ever since.

You can hope.

Or you can ask questions, followed up by a polygraph.....and know.

But if the truth could force you to make a decision you know you cannot make, then skip it. Stick with the hope angle.

But be honest with yourself....is it really about not charring her feet? Or is it about you not wanting to face the possibility of a bad outcome?

Brother, I get it. She is loved by you, and other than 87 and 88 has been by your side. Sounds like she rug swept the past and FOO but due to your questioning gave you her confession. However: even though she has been a loving partner you only have her word she has not loved another or committed further infidelity. As you can feel here, many say cheaters do lie to minimise the fallout. I am not saying burn her, but am suggesting to challenge her. Assume nothing, believe nothing and check everything she says about the past. No one wants to force D or R on you but want you have open eyes to the past to predict the future. Polygraph her and move forward in retirement and R knowing she is truly your loving partner.

One day at a time.

The key issue is that YOU need to feel assured.

If you want to reconcile then I can tell you here and now: ANY discovery made NOW or in that we could call a grace period can be dealt with. If you tell your wife you want to reconcile and work through these issues and if she’s willing to do the work too then you two can.

I can also tell you this: Discovering maybe a year or two years from now that OM tried to contact her 5 years later, or that she kissed Bob your neighbor back in 98 or whatever… THAT can kill your marriage.

Another thing that will kill your marriage is if YOU have doubts a couple of years down the road. Part of the work you two need to do is rebuilding trust, and if you allow yourself to hang on to any doubts then that won’t work.

So, answer this key question to yourself:

Do you think you have the whole story – or at least enough to move on?

THAT is the platform you rebuild your marriage from.

One final point:

I suggest you stop posting on this thread and move on to the Reconciliation forum, and also use the I can Relate thread about those that find out much later.

SI has often been compared to a hospital for those suffering from infidelity. Just found out is the ER/ICU, only the diagnosis and treatment is done by the patients. It tends to work, but the other “wards” tend to have more settled patients with more healing – be it as divorced or reconciled.

MRplspls,

I've read through your thread and I really feel for you. It is a shitty situation. I read through all of the longer threads with multiple pages, and if you do so as well, you will notice a common narrative arc. You are at the beginning of yours, though it is unique in the number of years before discovery. Where you are now, what you are feeling and experiencing at this stage is not where you will remain. It hurts and it is hard, but you can get through this. It will probably get worse and then better and then worse and better again. It is nonlinear. That part sucks.

Stepping back, I sense from your posts that you are hoping for a particular response that will bring clarity to the chaos you are both feeling and trying desperately to repress. You just want the hurt to stop and you want that one elusive puzzle piece that will fix it. I'm sorry to say, it doesn'tget better, or not until you move through it. You can fight it and try to go back, bug then we will see you here again, hat in hand, starting all over. Eventually, you will be giving others the same advice that they probably won't take until they are ready. Ears that will hear eyes that will see, so to speak.

I study with a Buddhist monk once a year, though I am not Buddhist, and one year, he really hit me with a comment. He said that westerners try to run from their problems or fix them. Easterners face them and move through them. Preston Manning said something similar about cows,bison, and storms, though he is not Buddhist.lol. Cows run from a storm while bison face it. Guess who spends time in the storm?

I am going to give you one piece of advice. I think it is a good one. Make this about you, not we. Your W made this about her for over three decades. I think that's enough time, now you focus on you. This is a tall order for a good man to do. You have spent over 30 years not doing it. You've put yourself last, after the needs of your family, youvd taken enough hits for the team. Stop thing about we, stop making decisions about we, start doing what is best for you. Ask what you need right now, what is best for you? You've spent enough time on the back burner.

One last thing. I'm not pro D, I would have loved to fully R, but my STBXWW just wasn't good enough. After the A, she just wasn't the prize anymore. I hope you find your authentic path.

The biggest plus of the forums I suggested is that they are intended for people in a comparable place, comparable experiences or with a comparable goal.

For example: since I got instant knowledge of my fiancés affair I cant claim to be one of those that found out years later and therefore I don’t post in the For Those That Found Out Years later thread on the I can Relate forum.

The Reconciliation forum is open for those that belief reconciliation is a realistic possibility. As is posted in it’s guidelines:

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile. It's a long road, but you can do it!

Posters tend to be realistic: We will call you out if we don’t think R is going the right way or isn’t possible in your situation and even tell you if we think it’s time to quit R. BUT… the posters that contribute there are expected to at lest think R is a realistic possibility.

I am not a fan of your wife, mostly because she went back after the 6 months away.

Having said that, I had a bit of a revelation yesterday. I was comparing life histories with a friend and it came out that we both had issues with illegal drugs when we were kids. We now lead very normal lives. We are not the same people we were back then. Not even close. We both were very self destructive. But we had an internal compass that got us in the right direction.

To call us criminals, demand we should be jailed or institutionalized is absurd.

Your wife is not the same person she was. She is not an active adulteress anymore than I am a drug abuser. Hence the calls to dump her are not calls to dump her as she is now but as she was then.

Of course there was the secret, and holding it was wrong. And that by far is the hard issue now. And it demands attention. But I do get your point. You cannot get away from reality and that is she is not what she was.

Keep doing what you are doing. You seem to be on the right track.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 9:36 AM, October 25th (Sunday)]

Dear Bigger

One final point:

I suggest you stop posting on this thread and move on to the Reconciliation forum, and also use the I can Relate thread about those that find out much later.

SI has often been compared to a hospital for those suffering from infidelity. Just found out is the ER/ICU, only the diagnosis and treatment is done by the patients. It tends to work, but the other “wards” tend to have more settled patients with more healing – be it as divorced or reconciled.

wise words..... thinking of just that...

M++, I’m late to the party (holy cow, 11 pages in 7 days?) but wanted to throw out some disjointed tidbits:

Don’t worry about making the pain go away. Your mind won’t let you, it is in full protect mode. Settle on how to take breaks from the pain. That, you can control. Contrary to belief, we really only hold one thought in our noggin at a time. If you are totally attentive to one thing, you aren’t thinking about the other things, and the pain goes away for a bit. Give yourself permission to not think about it for a bit.

Oddly enough, asking her to take a polygraph can be a gift to her. It lets her come clean. I’ve actually had a polygraph (security clearance) and speak from experience. It lets her show commitment, and she needs those opportunities, like you need to see them. That said, I have no intent to have my wife take one.

The 30 years of being a good wife (literally, doing the actions a person considered to be a good wife does) means something. So does her 30 year lie. An affair is both cheating and lying. Her cheating stopped, her lying didn’t. The affair just ended the other day, not 30 years ago. It’s ok and normal to feel what you are feeling. Give yourself 30 years to recover. That takes the pressure off.

Everything you knew was wrong. It is for most of us. What we believe makes up so much of what we see. Your belief just got blowtorched away. Don’t rush to replace it. Actually try to not-know your wife, to unlearn all of the stuff you ever thought you knew about her, and just look with a stranger’s eyes. This can be a gift to you if you can avail yourself of it.

Hold off on targeting an end state (happy, married, etc.) and just pursue the truth wherever it takes you. Open your eyes and actually see things as they are, and not how you wish them to be. Ask yourself, if I was so wrong about her, what else am I wrong about? What is the truth? Not just her, but about yourself too. Again...the gift.

Best of luck, M ++

Sending strength!

Longsadstory

I hear you loud and clear when you say

I am not a fan of your wife, mostly because she went back after the 6 months away.

That is the critical moment, the worst choice that almost destroyed the marriage.... then

mrplspls - Bigger has made a fantastic suggestion that you turn your attention to the reconciliation forum. I agree with it since since that appears that you are determined to reconcile with your wife.

Just to be clear, the Reconciliation forum are for people who are ATTEMPTING reconciliation, not necessarily people who are "happily reconciled".

I'd like to add to that suggestion: Don't just go to that forum and post immediately.

First, read the post titles on the first couple of pages, kinda see what people are posting about.

Then, read some of the recent and some of the more active threads, see what people are actually talking about in that forum.

You might find that there are a lot of people who are attempting reconciliation who are having a lot of trouble because they didn't get the truth.

Many are having trouble because they didn't get the true commitment to honesty and loyal, authentic behavior, the true work that has to be done by the cheater to look inside themselves and change what was in them to move forward with betrayal and deception.

Those who try to skip that stuff don't have the best success rate.

And even those who do often ruminate and have trouble getting over the betrayal.

What I am saying is, please don't skip the hard work.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:30 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]

I am a big fan of healing before you reconcile. Do not rush into reconciliation.

Another thing to consider mrplspls, is that you have not hit the anger stage yet. Once the shock and dismay of finding out about the affair wears off, and you begin to objectify the affair and her actions, then you will start to get angry. The littlest things will trigger you. You will say horrible things to her and call her every foul name you can think of. It is normal. Let me ask you: is she willing and able to work with through that and take all the slings and arrows?

Westway wrote...

Another thing to consider mrplspls, is that you have not hit the anger stage yet. Once the shock and dismay of finding out about the affair wears off, and you begin to objectify the affair and her actions, then you will start to get angry. The littlest things will trigger you. You will say horrible things to her and call her every foul name you can think of. It is normal. Let me ask you: is she willing and able to work with through that and take all the slings and arrows?

A timely topic, I got angry last night. Triggered by something on tv, the force of her infidelity hit me and I started talking and it all escalated. She meets fire with fire. We were both angry and said things. We slept apart. 2 of the last three nights we have slept apart.

We have online session with our psychologist at 5 today....

Curious as to what she would be angry about??

She meets fire with fire. We were both angry and said things.

This is the opposite of remorse. 180 degrees. This is DARVO. This is regret.

There’s a difference. The gap between the two is difference between a failed reconciliation attempt and a successful one.

You mention a psychologist. I sure hope you haven’t leaped willynilly into couples counseling when what is really needed is individual counseling for both of you with a separate betrayal trauma specialist.

One thing I think you should try to acknowledge is that as good as you say the past 33 years of marriage have been, there has been an enormous intimacy hole in your marriage as a result of her affair and the continuing lies.

It is virtually impossible that this hasn’t had a deleterious impact on your marriage.

I feel there’s a certain amount of sugarcoating in your posts. It took some time for you to tell us that she actually disclosed her affair to you three decades ago, was prepared to leave you right then and there, and that is has been an unacknowledged festering wound the entire time.

The “fire with fire” is a perfect example of this intimacy vacuum at the heart of your marriage. Do you understand the entitlement she is displaying here, the underlying disrespect and lack of empathy?

This is self centered behavior.

Are you willing to look at this squarely? Is she?

Mostly I keep reading you defend her. We’re not here to tear her down but I’m really very uninterested in what a fantastic fabulous personality she has.

She does not. She obviously has a huge number of issues that need to be rooted out.

You can move over to reconciliation and you’ll get lots of support and advice — but it won’t amount to much if this is how it’s going to be.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:46 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

A timely topic, I got angry last night. Triggered by something on tv, the force of her infidelity hit me and I started talking and it all escalated. She meets fire with fire. We were both angry and said things. We slept apart. 2 of the last three nights we have slept apart.

"It escalated"? How did it escalate?

When she was meeting your "fire with fire", what did she say to you?

This is important because it is during these moments that you might get some true insight/honesty from her.

We have online session with our psychologist at 5 today....

At the risk of being too repetitive, please do not believe that someone can fix you, your relationship, or your wife from the outside.

You can help yourself, and she can help herself.

And if you are satisfied that she has brought herself to a standard that you can attempt to work with, at that point you might want to try to see if you can attempt to move forward with her as a life partner with the knowledge of her 33 years of transgressions (cheating + Lying).

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:20 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

mrplspls

A timely topic, I got angry last night. Triggered by something on tv, the force of her infidelity hit me and I started talking and it all escalated. She meets fire with fire. We were both angry and said things. We slept apart. 2 of the last three nights we have slept apart.

We have online session with our psychologist at 5 today....

Then there is a high probability she's not going to make it. I'm sorry brother, but she may not be reconciliation material. A wayward has to be willing to put aside pride and retroactive anger for humility and patience. You are in for a ride that will last between 2 to 5 years. She has to earn her marriage back, and that means she has to be there to absorb the anger from your triggers. If she can't or is not willing to give you these things, then you are in a one-sided reconciliation and it will fail in the end.

I got angry last night.

And at the risk of repeating myself, this is what I was talking about earlier with repressed anger.

Anger is a moral emotion. It is a primary emotion, not a cover for something else. This has been documented from recent psychological research. It is a normal reaction to a violation or transgression.

People who say anger is a secondary emotion are operating off the fumes of disproven theory.

When you try to repress the primary moral emotion of anger, it will come roaring back.

And trust us when we say you haven’t even yet felt the full force of your anger which often takes months to feel.

Better to live in a corner of the rooftop than with a quarrelsome wife.