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I buried my father yesterday.

We were not close.

He was always there financially. He was very successful in business, an executive VP line builder for a regional company. Like so many other companies this one transitioned from manufacturers to importers. Instead of the occasional trip to a Mid-West town a day or two away, it became much longer trips to other parts of the world.

He understood and could explain, quite well, his views and thoughts about business, economics, politics, international trade, labor relations, regulations...

He possessed an uncommon wisdom as worthy of attention as it was also... questionable.

He was also a big fan of Eric Van Danikin and his "Ancient Aliens" theorists. So there's that.

And there were those walls. Shit so tall and impenetrable they rivaled those of Mordor itself.

I spent enough time and energy banging my head against those walls that I eventually built my own, just to prove myself.

Those who tend to avoid conflict first and foremost avoid the conflicts within themselves. The walls we build to defend ourselves from pain become prisons of our own creation.

Dumb shit, ain't it? It's okay. Judge for you're selves. I can only provide a few examples of people who spent their lives avoiding conflict and building walls. Doesn't make me a expert or nothing... but, hopefully a survivor who can break the cycle with my offspring. What he, my 15yo, chooses to do with the invaluable wisdom I empart is his problem. I've done my job.

I can finally start to let go of the conflicts that I had with him, because he's just gone...

Som'bitch got the last words in, too, dagnabit! Nothing I ever say now could possibly make a difference. "He's dead, Jim."

Sigh...

All that remains are the conflicts within. I could have let go of some of that shit years ago (well... decades), but no. I kept on trying to get through those walls. I'd get clues! Hints. A glimpse, now and then...

Sometimes FOO shit just sucks ... foo-shit.

When I can recognize and be mindful of my own unhealthy tendencies, I can also remember that I can choose better ones, 'cause... duh?!

I watched my ex-wife go through 18 months of therapy to deal with her own shit. She says the same things, more or less, about her own journey. Being mindful of our tendencies is half the battle. The rest is a "work in progress."

I'll miss my father.

My deepest condolences on your loss.

My father was a complicated imperfect person too. But like you, I miss him.

I’m so sorry, unhinged. My dad is still alive, but I haven’t had much to do with him for 40 years. Humans can be complicated, difficult creatures in relationships.

Sending you cyber hugs.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Especially because it's complicated for you. I can completely understand.

My mother never really accepted me as a child. She had room only for my brother, who is 8 years older and a pedophile, who with her knowledge was sexually abusing my twin sister and physically abusing me for his friend's entertainment.

I speak to her weekly but haven't seen er in 15 years, and given she is 95, I dreaded her funeral because I felt guilty that I didn't intend to go. Although I doubt by brother would allow her to have one. But it's a moot. point. Nine days ago it was discovered I have stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She will very likely outlive me.

The peace this brings me is blissfully amazing. It is no longer my problem. It is hers, as she has made it clear that he has no intention of bucking my brother and coming to see me, or attend my funeral. But it truly bugs her, because she is all apologetic, a trait she has never shown. I guess what I am saying to you is that now you can give up those notions of "what if". Just embrace the"what is". Don't waste another minute on it, as time is always more precious than we think it is.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I also have an incredibly complicated relationship with everyone in my original family of origin. My dad is probably the one I have the least resentment of and he is also the one with the walls. He has told me he loves me but not on a regular basis ever. When I would say it at the end of the phone call he would say okay, talk to you later. My mother and sister are both emotionally immature and I have a hard time being in long conversations with either of them. I also do not tell them much about my personal life because I can’t trust them to. It weaponized it or tell it to people I don’t want that information shared with.

However one truth sort of helps me navigate it- and that is I can’t change them, I can only accept them as they are and decide where my boundaries are. I think they give what the are capable of, no matter what conflict I would try to introduce to make it different.

And as a woman whose family is already raised, I have to say we have definitely surpassed the deficiencies in their parenting, and I watch them now with my grandchildren surpassing mine. I can also see that my parents surpassed their own in many ways as well when I am feeling generous at least. And I know I too will miss them when they are gone despite the complicated relationship.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:31 PM, Thursday, April 2nd]

Charity,

My heart is breaking for you!

Peace to you

Sorry for the threadjack.........

Condolences, Unhinged. I had a challenging but loving relationship with my mom and she died 19 years ago. Still miss her every day, but in a different way than I miss my dad who died 2018. We are messy complicated beings. Accept all of it, and accept the grief and whatever friends (guilt, regret, relief, 🤷‍♀️) it brings with it.

T/J - Charity- sending positive mojo your way.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 4:07 PM, Thursday, April 2nd]

My condolences, Unhinged. As lousy as you feel about your father in the past, present, and even future ... you understand many of the implications of the loss, and that's something worthwhile.

You'll probably see him in yourself and your son. Your son is almost bound to criticize you in the same way you criticized your father. The difference is you're only partly your father.and you'll improve on him at least in some ways..

Losing a parent is a big loss. I thought I was an adult when I lost my father. Hell, my son had graduated college already. Never was I more aware that inside every adult lives a (bunch of) kid(s).