SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had lunch with a friend I have known for many many years. He has not been thru infidelity, and does not get why it still hurts me after forgiveness, and such a long time.

He asked me this question.

My answer was my dad, and I bust into tears. I never told my parents about fWW affair. I was afraid they would try and make me leave her, and I would lose my sons. As a result, I could not go to the person I needed the most. My father is still alive, and I love him. However, dropping this news on him when he is in his 80s would kill him. For context, I am one of 5 kids, and I know my dad loves me, but I also know I am his least favorite, and least like him. I chased after him my entire life, to make him proud of me.

I feel like I made a version of Sophie’s Choice. I chose my sons over my dad, and myself.

If I could talk to younger me, I would say-tell Dad. I have kept this terrible secret about my life from him, and I have lost the ability to share myself full with my dad.

I have been very successful in life. My boys are grown, and know nothing about their mother’s affair. I don’t intend on ever telling them. (Yes, I see the repeat pattern too.)

I am more financially successful than my Dad, by far. And he is proud of me, and proud of my boys. I just wish I could hear him say "Son, you went through hell. And you survived it, and you saved your two boys . I am so proud of you son."

Infidelity just sucks. I hate all of it. I hate the limited circle of people a BH can tell. I hate the fact I am a stronger person. I hate fWW gets to rarely think about this, and I get to think about it a lot. I hate that the pain never fully goes away. I hate I cannot have real intimacy with my wife (she is in shame and won’t talk about the A anymore-1 year of counseling was enough for her). In short, I hate how unfair this is, and I have to deal with all this shit for years, and it was not my choice.

I hope someone has something brilliant on this.

Gosh that hits home. Well said.

Gosh, agree with Cantbeme, it really does hit you.

The whole living a lie thing eats you up. I can’t tell my family either. They would make me choose him or me. I know they would only be doing that because they think they know what’s best for me but still!

And I hate that I feel trapped. I know people say the kids will be fine if we seperate and I agree. I know because I’ve already loved this once before . But you know who won’t be fine - me. I’ve already lived without one son for half his life and I’ll be damned if I do it again.

I hate that now I miss out on a marriage that I believed to be pure. It was my second chance and now this husband did the same thing to me. I actually really don’t even understand what a good marriage is. I have just seen so many effected by infidelity, it’s like it’s more common than not.

And finally I don’t get to wear that fucking gorgeous diamond engagement ring anymore. It was honestly more than I could’ve hoped for or even design myself. And now I just can’t wear it. Makes me to sad to put it on. How I could have been his everything and then to just throw me away because some 23 Year old sends him a tittie pic and offer him a discreet (so they thought) fuck.

You’re so right ‘going’ it’s nothing but unfair.

I think I would be hard pressed to say the OP’s dad would really understand the pain and suffering from being a BS.

I did tell my parents. Dad said nothing. Mom said get over it and figure it out. Never asked again.

You learn who your "go to" people are in life IMO.

While infidelity has a cost to it, you also lean about yourself. You learn how strong you are. You learn how smart you are. You learn what a good person you are.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. This is a big loss, and not just from the infidelity.

*****

How's your father's health. I just turned 80. My brain works. My feelings work. Are you selling your father short?

When my wife had her affair, I was 45 and my dad was 80. It was 5-6 years before I talked with him about it, but I'm so glad I did, as it turned into a much deeper conversation that I will always remember. My dad passed three years ago, and I would give anything for one more day fishing, or golfing, or just sitting on the deck with him.

Gosh I feel this so much too, even though it’s my mom and I’m the BW. I was your friend for years to my best friend, who was left for her WH’s old college GF. I wondered why she couldn’t heal, and I remember thinking gosh it’s been two years, why can’t she let go of the anger? I have eaten those words over and over again, let me tell you, and no one cried harder with me or hugged me closer than she did when I was finally able to tell her what I had been holding in for over a year. I hope your friend got it, or at least tried to.

The conflict you feel about your dad is so relatable for someone who has tried a lifetime to please a hard to please parent. My Dad was my hero, and his death hit me hard, and I learned years later that my WH began cheating on me for years while I was grieving. I don’t know if I would have been able to hide this from Dad, we had a very honest relationship. My mom died last year not knowing what I have been through for the last seven years, and I let her think I was selfish, flaky, neurotic, whatever judgement she had for me. I think she might have made it about her, about how perfect her marriage was and how she never really liked my WH. Anyway, I kept the A and my struggles from her for so many reasons, some was in kindness to us both and some was in resentful self protection. I was never good enough for her either, no matter how hard I tried, and I guess I quit trying. It was complicated and it’s a strange feeling to know both my parents never knew that my picture perfect life and marriage fell to pieces and so did I, for a few years there.

I held my shit together pretty good, and I spared my kids, then teens, now adults from all of it. I have admitted to being in IC since my mother’s death, to deal with a lot of family issues, but also to deal with some relationship issues too. They get to keep their dad as the Dad they think he is, and I get to hold the truth of who he really is in my hand for the rest of our lives. It’s a lot to carry around inside. I struggle because honesty is so very important to me, but I have learned that sometimes the truth just becomes a different kind of burden. I wish I could take back one or two who know now. At least we know what we have been through and accomplished and be proud of ourselves, and share that here with others who really get it.

My kids and I have talked about their childhoods, and my family, where some members struggle with alcohol and or drug addiction, and life is just a shit show in many ways. They both felt that I had shielded them very well from the chaos and dysfunctional and thanked me for it, for letting them not have to deal with some of life’s harder issues that I have faced, for moving away and making better life choices, and building a stable, if sheltered home life. I guess I look at keeping the A from them in much the same way. It’s a lie but it is a gift of good intentions. One therapist advised me to be honest with them now that they are adults, and another asked me what the harm was in letting them believe in a happy marriage…. So much has happened that it seems a moot point to bring up now. And if I’m honest, I still have some unresolved issues about shame in being so slow to catch on and finding out in pieces, shame in staying, shame in hiding the truth from them…. I fear both their judgement and their pity, and especially their wrath for their father. They are real big on integrity and honesty. It would make my choice to stay much harder to stick with.

As to the Sophie’s choice, I hope that shifts in time for you. I chose to be the best parent I could be, when my WH never had good parenting modeled for him, and it caused a rift between us that he blames for the A. I felt for a few years that my kids cost me my marriage, but I know that’s not true. I parented the way I had to, and he reacted the way he chose to, and started disrespecting in our relationship. He chose himself over me and the kids. I chose to be a good mom, wife, daughter and sister in that order. I am still learning to choose myself, since everybody’s grown up, or gone now. I hope you choose yourself too and I hope you are talking to a good counselor to help you sort out the source of the pain that sprung forth when you thought of your Dad and what you have been forced to choose to keep from him. I still think not telling my mom was the right call, but it leaves a strange taste in my mouth. It might help you to think that like others, you may not get the reaction you want and need from him if you did tell him. He may be in the rug sweep and carry on camp, and not give the affirmation you wish for.

And that question at the top is a doozy. What infidelity cost me? Losing my dad unmoored me. I stayed anchored to my kids and my husband, my safe little world of love. Infidelity cut that chain and I have felt somehow drifting since. Looking for a safe spot to land. I have moved and shed my skin and worked through the worst of it and I still don’t know where I’m heading. I miss being so sure of everything and myself. I feel your last paragraph a lot too. It sucks, it does. I was already plenty strong, and I’ve been through a lot in my life. I didn’t need this test, or disappointment and I wasn’t looking to grow or get even stronger or better at life. I was good. I was happy. I truly was. I felt lucky and blessed. I miss that feeling. I am filling that hole with planning trips and quality time with the kids. They are amazing, and my favorite people and if nothing else, the best things in my life came from my marriage, so I know it wasn’t all for nothing. Those kids are my everything. I’m sure your boys are yours too. Enjoy them while you can. Best to you.

I will also chime in here about a few things (and yes I write novels - brevity is not my strong suit when it comes to discussing infidelity).

1. I agree with The1stWife - your Dad would likely not understand how MUCH you have done. Unless he has experienced infidelity himself it is unlikely you would get the feedback you are thinking you would get. By example, rarely on this site does someone who has been betrayed say "yeah, this whole nightmare is exactly what I expected." Most people who have not gone though this simply don't get it. One of my main goals when seeking an individual therapist was I wanted one who had been the betrayed side of a marriage/relationship, as after going through this I realized what I thought about affairs and their effect was just wrong AND I realized that without this experience it was not likely anyone would come anywhere close to understanding just how soul-crushing the experience is on so many levels.

I had NO CLUE what this experience would do to a person and admittedly was someone who in the past would have thought "Wow, it's been a year since X cheated on Y. Why can't Y just move on already???" This was not some kind of fundamental flaw of mine and my empathy chip is fully in tact - I just did not grasp, like at all, the level of strength and sheer will required to get through the misery and pain and the whiplash you suffer from riding the infidelity roller coaster and how LONG those injuries take to heal.

I say all this because I think it is extremely unlikely that had you told your Dad you would have gotten the feedback you hoped for. If that is the reason you want to tell him now, I would say not to bother as I think you may be disappointed in the reaction you receive. That being said, it is not too late. My Dad is also in his 80s and I think he is capable of dealing with a lot more than I give him credit for. As far as telling generally see point 2 below.

2. You said you hated:

[T]he limited circle of people a BH can tell.

I would say there is NO limit to the number of people you can tell. I get that determining who you should or should not tell is a process but keeping it all to yourself is simply too damaging. It was for me.

At d-day 1 - confrontation day - I told NO ONE aside from a single friend I have known since I was 14, who strangely enough had been the WS in a 1-year A about 10 years prior. My WH took the A underground and for a year I lived in False-R, being lied to daily, told that I was imagining things, being accused of not being able to get over it, and honestly vacillating tens of times a day between thinking my WH was lying and searching his stuff, to feeling happy, to feeling angry, to feeling miserable about myself for staying, to feeling like a marriage police officer, to feeling like a fool for staying...etc etc etc. So for a year I rode the infidelity rollercoaster, and I did so largely alone.

After d-day 2, when the ongoing A was discovered and my WH had been confronted I could not hold it all in any longer. I felt like an idiot for having believed my WH. I felt so totally defeated and unhinged that ultimately that feeling overrode everything and I had to ask myself why I had remained silent. To protect me? Sure. I did not want the judgment and the questions: "Why did you stay?" I did not want to hear "you are such a strong person - why are you putting up with this?" "Why can't you move on?" Basically I did not want to hear all of the questions I asked (or thought) about other people before infidelity showed me how wrong/uninformed/judgmental I had been. But I also had to face my own realities...as part of the reason I had not told anyone was because I was protecting my WH from that same judgment. Basically I had not told anyone because I was trying to control the outcome of the perception of others about me and my WH. But the toll it took on me during that year was so immense. There is a reason my name on this site is ThisIsSoLonely...because the isolation I felt was extreme. Had I not found this site and decided to post during that year of False R, I would have totally lost it I'm sure.

But, after I decided to tell people I found out a few things. There were few people who I cared about that did not provide me much needed support. And those who were judgmental faded from view quickly - those who cared - they outnumbered the others by far. And while my WH certainly suffered more harsh criticism from some, that was HIS burden to bear - the consequences of his choices, his actions, his flawed self - not mine. My decision to remain with him (in part - we divorced but now date) is a result of his actions after the fact, and honestly they did not come until other people knew. To use an NA/AA phase - his rock bottom was not the effect all of this had on me, but only came when he had to face what he had done in the eyes of others as well. In my opinion not telling sooner was one of my biggest errors as trying to heal largely alone - as it seems you are - was more than I should have had to bear.

3. On this issue of strength, I'm guessing you don't hate that you am stronger now and much wiser, you likely hate the fact that you became a stronger person because of infidelity. I do too. But, I cannot change what happened and how I have become the person I am today. Honestly, celebrating and knowing you can rely on these lessons can bring you some peace and self-confidence. I have much better boundaries than I used to. I have a much better sense of defending myself against behavior I feel is unacceptable. I have decidedly better communication abilities than before. AND I feel that when life throws me some other shitshow I will be much better able to handle it and recognize when I am pushing my boundaries instead of allowing them to be mowed down like a blade of grass in front of a lawnmower.

So on this front I would say you are allowing yourself to get to mired in what has happened to appreciate who YOU are now. Unlike my final point, on this issue you are in total control of how you decide to frame your newly minted strengths. I choose to hate the way my strengths were gained but the confidence in myself I have now - I know I will need that in the future at some point about something - and I'm glad I have it.

4. The aftermath and the fairness game. You said:

I hate fWW gets to rarely think about this, and I get to think about it a lot. I hate that the pain never fully goes away. I hate I cannot have real intimacy with my wife (she is in shame and won’t talk about the A anymore-1 year of counseling was enough for her). In short, I hate how unfair this is, and I have to deal with all this shit for years, and it was not my choice.

Normally when someone makes a comment like this I chime in with my own experience with the fairness game as it was eating me alive for several years - until I decided (my choice) to grasp that life is full of unfairness and embrace the lessons I have learned, not just about my WH, but more importantly about me. But in your case there is a much bigger issue bundled in your fairness comment, and I think it's the more important one one. Your WS has not helped you heal in a way that is productive to you AND (more importantly) your WS has not dealt with her part in this and come out the other side with a deeper understanding of herself flaws and all. Put another way, you are not reconciled, but instead are engaging in rugsweeping.

WH's A ended after about 2 years in a firestorm that blew up his work, the majority of his friendships, and our marriage. Only after we divorced did WS decide that he wanted to figure out why he had behaved the way he had, what allowed him to do what he did, and in his words "find out what the fuck is wrong with me." He started IC with that in mind - acceptance of the bad decisions he had made, and a total lack of understanding of how he broke not only our commitment to each other but destroyed the marriage of one of his best friends (my WH's A was with the wife of a friend and co-worker - all 3 of them worked together and he had been good friends with the OBS for years). What inside him was so needy, so lacking, that someone desiring him - finding him attractive - was worth burning all of that to the ground. Before he made that choice he was completely enveloped with shame and anger coupled with defensiveness and self-loathing - and he would talk about very little. While he would listen to me for hours, he would say little about how he felt about himself. He could apologize to me and claim he felt terrible for hurting me, but he was unable to discuss his own feelings and when he did it was in quick short sentences and usually he would turn it around to where I felt guilty because of the pain I was putting him through for asking. I also felt a loss of attraction for him and when we were intimate I completely lacked the connection to him that I formerly had - the sex was nice but it was an action - when the action was done it was done - far from what it had been before. There was no afterglow of love or connection. That was gone. At that point our relationship was a totally unsustainable shitshow. There was simply no way I could go the rest of my life with him feeling like that.

That is where I feel you may be, dear OP. And, you cannot make your WS do the work they need to do. Your words resonate with me because I felt precisely the same way - frustrated and stuck. Unsticking yourself has to happen - for you - no matter how much the initial process hurts, ripping off that bandaid is the fastest way to feel better.

I'm not telling you to divorce, but I am telling you that unless your WS makes a change - and recognizes she needs to figure her shit out AND help you get to a better place - you are better off alone. In my case we divorced but WH has been in IC for almost 4 years because he wanted to figure himself out for him - and as a result not only do I not feel the way you describe, but I am really proud of who my WH has become. He's far from perfect but he has a much better handle on his triggers, and recognizes his defensiveness and where it's coming from, is a much better participator in tough conversations - he has much more self-awareness than he had before. As it relates to me, as a result, we do still date AND I feel better about myself and about him.

So, if you have gotten this far, I would suggest you get real with your WS - and tell her exactly what you said here, and more. The burden is hers to address these issues. The burden is yours, if you choose, to stick around while she does. If you have already told her this and she is still stuck, then you have a choice: (1) accept this is as far as she is willing to go but after evaluating your reasons you would rather remain with this person then move on without her, or (2) start the process of moving on without her. As my situation suggests, you never know what will happen when you decide to move on from the relationship...but you will be able to STOP feeling like you do. And that, my friend, trust me - is worth it 1000 times over.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:21 PM, Monday, September 16th]

I empathise with you.

I feel the same way.

My story mirrors yours.

Kept it from my children and my family.

Only my therapist knows.

It’s a very heavy burden to carry.

I feel if I had shared it with my parents, the pressure would be so great for me to leave my wife and break the family up. They haven’t gone through this type of trauma and I’m sure they would have put unbearable pressure on me to go nuclear. That was not an option for me. My children were my clear priority. Do they suspect something? Maybe, hard to tell. But I sacrificed for them and in hindsight my therapist said it turned out to be the right decision. I can’t talk about my wife’s infidelity with her. She gets catatonic about it and really I’m exhausted thinking about it every day since 2018. Will my children ever find out? I’d say not.

The world wasn’t meant to be fair, as JFK said.

No, it isn’t. There is injustice everywhere.

Your father may or may not understand. I know where you are coming from. You’re crying out for help. For acknowledgment. For empathy and for someone to feel the pain you are going through. But you understand that the pain will only get worst if you share it with your family. So, we suffer in silence. Which eats away at us.

I know how you feel. I wish I could tell my parents. I long for someone in my family to embrace me and tell me it’s going to be OK. People here are in a way family too so their words bring comfort to me from time to time.

I have been there for everyone in my family. Their trusted adviser, their emotional support. But no one has been there for me.

[This message edited by Mene at 6:40 PM, Monday, September 16th]

goingtomakeit

Other than the part about not telling - you state a fact of life for the BS.

"never fully trust . . ."

and You never forget . . .

Who to tell? Maybe some family, maybe a "dear" friend of long standing

but

People - other than drama lovers - shun an unhappy conversation.

One choice is "counselors" - who you pay to listen to your heartbreak and trashed dreams

"Deal with it!" and "You'll get over it." - from the mouths of those really short on empathy.

I'm sort of on the opposite side of this. My father was the serial adulterer whose infidelity left carnage across our family. Too long to go into here. I was decades older before I really saw how much damage he had done to all of us. I've never expressed to him how badly his adultery hurt all of us, mainly because he's incapable of any emotional depth. He refuses to acknowledge his role in any of it. I'd love to have a closer relationship with him--at least I think I do.

I had my own experience with much milder incidents of infidelity (if they can be compared) in part possibly because of conditioning. My ex-fiancee cheated on me and I had a revenge A. I don't blame him, because I made those stupid, self-destructive choices all on my own and didn't pause to think before reacting the way I did. I just never considered any more rational, less harmful options. I'm now in my 50s and am just now beginning to process all of it.

He's paid so much for his choices. He has such little time left, and it would mean a lot to all of us if he could come to grips with what he's done.

Your father sounds like a good man, and having your FWW's A take his presence in your life away from you is an injustice. I guess my advice to you would be to just try and let the chips fall where they may. He may surprise you.

[This message edited by 1994 at 3:45 AM, Tuesday, September 17th]

I also felt a loss of attraction for him and when we were intimate I completely lacked the connection to him that I formerly had - the sex was nice but it was an action - when the action was done it was done - far from what it had been before. There was no afterglow of love or connection. That was gone. At that point our relationship was a totally unsustainable shitshow. There was simply no way I could go the rest of my life with him feeling like that.

This describes my current situation to a T.

As for who I told about the affair, it was different for me as I was able to find people who were sympathetic and supportive to my needs. Obviously my closest friends, one of whom dealt with this in the worst way with a manipulative serial cheater. He completely understands the pain associated with infidelity. Also my other best friend who has no idea what it feels like but really empathizes with the pain that is associated with it. There have been people who I don’t really know well, but from history I know have dealt with traumatic life experiences who I could share with because really, it seems that people who have been through hell can and will support those who are going through hell.

As for what infidelity has cost me, it cost me some of my moral beliefs because I had to allow infidelity to exist to try and recover my marriage. It has changed something in my core values over honesty as I now have to deceive my children and withhold the truth from them to protect my WW’s feelings. And as with the above quote, I feel like I have a friend I do fun stuff with and have occasional sex but I no longer have a partner in life. 🤷🏼‍♂️

I know why I need to don’t move forward, but it’s so damn hard to pull the trigger.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 10:22 AM, Tuesday, September 17th]

I hate I cannot have real intimacy with my wife (she is in shame and won’t talk about the A anymore-1 year of counseling was enough for her).

I’m sorry, but this is a form of enforced rugsweeping by your W. I would tell her she’s either going to talk about it with you, to help you process/heal, or she will be talking to her divorce lawyer. Her choice.

I hate I cannot have real intimacy with my wife (she is in shame and won’t talk about the A anymore-1 year of counseling was enough for her).

I’m sorry, but this is a form of enforced rugsweeping by your W. I would tell her she’s either going to talk about it with you, to help you process/heal, or she will be talking to her divorce lawyer. Her choice.

I have to second this. Whether it is authentic or manipulative, it doesn’t matter, her shame storms cannot be allowed to enforce lifelong rugsweeping and the misery that will keep you trapped in.

TISL and others are right that people who haven't experienced infidelity can't know the experience.

I'll add that a good friend or parent who listens with love and empathy cam help, whether they've known infidelity or not.

When our son was suffering emotional abuse and worse from his W, he needed to talk, which meant he needed someone to listen. We listened.

Twenty-odd years ago, when I called a friend to arrange a lunch together and he told me his W was cheating, all I had to do was listen and, occasionally, ask him a question about his experience. On my d-day, I didn't have anyone in my life who would just listen to me, and my mom was well into her 90s, so I used a therapist because that's better than holding it in.

If there's a good chance a parent or friend will listen with something approaching love, it might be best to try it out. If it works out, it may be that it's only a little extra pain. If it doesn't, you've got a big win.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:43 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]

Thanks to all who answered

To clarify-my father is in good health, but he is the caregiver to my mother with dementia. My wife and I have a meal with him and my mother every couple of weeks to give him a break. If he knew about FWW, this would be way awkward, and put one more burden on him. And, many of you have stated, I may not get what I want from him anyway.

On my kids-yes, it is a lie. They seem to be healthy in their lives, and I too fear this could backfire on me, and l would lose their respect. Also, if it hurt their relationship with my wife, that is unfair to her. She was a good mother to them (except for when she put their world at risk for a fling with a guy from the internet. )

I know I can’t fully heal. We had a MC 3 months ago. I laid out my pain for her to see, and we talked the next day as well. I cried and cried. She started down the road of how she hurt me worse than I ever hurt her. How she was unforgivable, I told her I forgave long ago, but I still carry the pain.

My journey has been long. Nearly 26 years from DDay,

1 year of MC, then I stuffed the pain for 23 years. Keeping it all inside. I don’t recommend this approach to anyone. I wish SI was around in 1999.

I am strong, but hate the road to get here.

My friends and family that knew were very supportive in year 1. Then nothing. They never call to check on me, or even ask how I am doing, If my fucking arm had been cut off, I bet they would ask.

Also, I was 34 and fairly immature when this happened. I confused her shame with mine. I was afraid to bring this up to other guys-they would think I was a loser in bed, or had a small penis. My business partner, who I never told, was talking about a guy who got cheated on, and was being an asshole saying "he must not have had what it takes." Ironically, my business partner ended up being a BH. Karma is a bitch.

I am so grateful to SI. You guys know what it’s like. You know the loneliness. And the unfairness.

I thought about some of the comments on fairness. I realized I am fortunate, and it is unfair. I have freedom, I got to keep my kids, I was successful, and the list goes on. Life is never fair, but sometimes I am on the winning side.

All the positive things I am doing;

1. Going to therapy

2. Sharing my story with a few guy friends I can trust-so far so good (no small dick comments or smirks) within the past two years, and they check on me

3. I pray daily

4. I read healing/self improvement books

5. I am vulnerable with my wife

6. I have sex on a regular basis, and am pretty much at my most vulnerable most of the time.

(This is past two years, after being nearly sexless for about 5 I was ready to leave, then COVID hit, then her mom died, so I got fucking stuck).

7. I have taken full responsibility for my part in the marriage breakdown.

8. I am taking care of myself physically-eating right, exercise, losing weight,

I was a champion rug sweeper. Did not talk about the A for 23 years with anyone, including wife. I keep trying to pull my wife with me, but she is so buried under guilt and shame, I can’t free her.

In spite of the pain she caused me, I love her. Not like I did pre affair, as I think that part of me broke. I trust her a lot, but not entirely. I keep part of me.

Mene -if you want to PM me, I totally understand where you are. So sorry brother. It’s a lonely bitch of a road.

So guys, am I healing, or just fooling myself?

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 9:20 PM, Tuesday, September 17th]

It cost me valuable space in my head (rent free in that I got nothing in the end except legal, financial, emotional etc abuse).

In retrospect, I regret not kicking exwh out of my heart, life and head the first time I found out he had had sex with someone other than me while married to me. No matter what justifications he used and promises he made.

Truly I am disgusted with myself that I even spend one minute a month thinking about him although zero head space (not thinking of him at all) is probably not possible for most people because of things like shared children or divorce debt or living in the same town.

My goal is that he could win the lottery or become famous and be on the news daily and I still would not give him that minute.

goingtomakeit,

It sounds to me like you are having a difficult time with shame, and that it a block to your healing. You might want to read the books or listen to the Ted talks from Brene Brown. One thing she mentions is that shame cannot survive without secrecy. She would probably say that you should talk to your parents, your sons, friends, and business partner.

Another thing that helped me years after the affair when I felt blocked in my healing was trauma healing practices in The Body Keeps Score and from other similar authors. Their thesis is that body work needs to be done for trauma healing.

I guess those are somewhat opposing ideas.

Thanks kitchen

Infidelity just sucks. I hate all of it. I hate the limited circle of people a BH can tell. I hate the fact I am a stronger person. I hate fWW gets to rarely think about this, and I get to think about it a lot. I hate that the pain never fully goes away. I hate I cannot have real intimacy with my wife (she is in shame and won’t talk about the A anymore-1 year of counseling was enough for her). In short, I hate how unfair this is, and I have to deal with all this shit for years, and it was not my choice.

Solidarity sir. I have tremendous empathy for this statement.

As to cost, its almost always catastrophic. It cost my friend their life. It cost me over a decade of hurt, angst, sorrow, rage, bitterness, rancor, loss of self esteem all stirred together in a nasty, toxic brew. All while keeping my career together and endeavoring to be a great Dad to my young kids. Exhausting. I stuffed a lot of it to little avail because, as you know all too well, it will eat through any firewall you attempt to put up in your mind and soul.

As to not telling your Dad, I did the same but for different reasons. There would have been no help there anyway. So, I dealt with it on my own and stayed for the kids.

As an aside, I sometimes wonder which is worse, dealing with an affair early in your marriage, or later on when your kids are grown? I know both are hell but I wonder if I would have had the fortitude to leave if my kids had been grown and out of the house or if the accumulated years of marital history would have made it just as hard? No telling now as its in my rearview.

As Ive said before, I am in a great place today with a wonderful woman, also a survivor of a brutal betrayal in her younger years but that decade + post DD remains a burned out spot in my soul.

Hang in there. Thanks for posting.

ETA: I guess I should add the "cost" of years of individual therapy which was well worth the investment.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:18 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]