SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Question for xBS: Did all your worries and pain disappear just because you got divorced? Did all the hurt that you suffered form the betrayal disappear? Are you happy now that your life has dramatically changed? Do you feel it was the best decision for you after trying to reconcile?

Question for x WS: Was it a relief to get divorced? Did you realise that the affair had changed you forever or do you regret your decision and you wished you had your spouse back, your family united?

I only have a minute but am I happy. YES! Did everything disappear? No, there are scars. And it took work and time to get here. My WS would not stop his A, he kept wafffling. And you can’t R if only one is really committed. This was 100% the BEST decision for me.

Did all your worries and pain disappear just because you got divorced?

For the most part I felt relieved when I left my M. I had been in limbo for so long with an unremorseful WS. Dealing with his Narcissistic tendencies made things unbearable. So when I left I felt peace. I had no worries of him cheating and I don't really feel pain associated with the A's anymore since leaving.

Did all the hurt that you suffered form the betrayal disappear?

It doesn't disappear but it also doesn't have a hold on me like it once did. Like most trauma I have suffered in life I tend to sort of numb those memories out after some time. I think the fact that I am not around the perpetrator (xWS) has a great deal to do with letting it go.

Are you happy now that your life has dramatically changed? Do you feel it was the best decision for you after trying to reconcile?

I am very happy and yes my life did dramatically change. It sometimes comes with it's own challenges but for the most part I love my peace and freedom to feel and do what I want with my day. No more chaos and crying. No more feeling bad about myself. It's been a big turnaround.

BS here. The pain didn't go away immediately, and I spent time in therapy to continue to work through the betrayal trauma. (It's 5 years and I still have anxiety issues in the car.) It didn't take long after moving into my own place that the nightmares stopped (almost nightly for 3 years of XWH and AP trying to kill me).

I had to pick up a part-time job for a short time until I got some bills paid down. I drove for DoorDash during the first part of the epidemic and made some really good money in a short amount of time. After 6 months, I was able to go back to just the day job.

I am exceedingly happy now. I don't have to walk on eggshells around XWH, I can do what I want when I want (for the most part), and I don't have to put up with a partner who pretty much ignored my existence.

My XWH sexually assaulted somebody, and I knew he was never going to change. D has been the best decision for me.

My relationship with my adult children is much stronger now.

My only regret was not doing it sooner. I spent way to much time believing things would change, etc.

BUT....at least I know I gave it my all.

There is tremendous peace that comes. It is not a smooth path, it is full of emotional speedbumps but it was the best path for me.

And yes, I am happy. That was only a chapter in my book and believed the best was yet to come.

Question for xBS:

Did all your worries and pain disappear just because you got divorced?

Some did. Some like fear of being alone, worsened before getting better. I'm almost 15 years out, happily remarried. A few years back I resurfaced some of the trauma by going back through the IMs between my ex and I. There were things in there I had mentally blanked out. That kicked up some issues that I had to address because my wife didn't deserve to pay for what my ex caused.

Did all the hurt that you suffered form the betrayal disappear?

In some ways I'm better person more secure in who I am. That doesn't mean there aren't scars and I'm not as nice a person as I used to be. Less trusting. Some of that is a good thing, but not all of it.

Are you happy now that your life has dramatically changed?

Unanswered prayers is a new fav song of mine. I didn't want to be divorced. To fail at marriage. I took my time and didn't get married until I was in my 30s. I put everything I could into making it work. Now that I'm in a more balanced marriage, I see the futility of being the one doing all the work. What I have now is what my parents had. They were true partners that leaned on each other's strengths. My ex was a taker and never gave as much in return. I would have been miserable if I had stayed married to my ex. Likely dead by now. TLDR; yes I now feel blessed that my first marriage failed.

Do you feel it was the best decision for you after trying to reconcile?

The only regret I had was the time I wasted trying to reconcile. What's strange is I'm not in the BTB crowd. I really hope that other BH's WW's get it and make the effort to fix the damage. Mine never did. Never will. At least now she's APs headache to deal with.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:21 PM, Thursday, April 18th]

I was also one who spent quite a long time in limbo. My ex paid a bit of lip service to reconciling, but never did any of the real work, and would go right back to cheating after a short time of behaving. Mostly, I stuck it out until the kids were the age I wanted them to be and in a good place.

My worries and pain didn't disappear, but I spent my limbo time wisely, working on self-repair as much as possible and keeping my ex at arms distance. So when I initiated the final split, my worries focused on helping my kids through, and getting my own finances squared away.

The biggest change was the relief and the peace. Sure, I worried about money for the first few months, until things fell into place. And I worried about the kids adapting to new routines and such. But very quickly, my house became the peaceful, "boring" house that my kids greatly appreciated (their father is a drama magnet). Life was quiet, and very quickly, I realized that not only was I doing okay, I was much happier than I'd been in years.

My current SO kind of fell into my life later, but he's equally invested in our household having peace, since he's also a former BS.

If I have any regrets, perhaps that I didn't split sooner, but in the end, we're all relatively happy, healthy, and well-adjusted, so I'm not sure I'd go back and change anything, even if I could.

If you're worried about life after divorce, I'd recommend reading the Fear vs Reality thread at the top of the forum. That may answer your questions, as well.

I honestly am not sure I would be any happier. Plus I am nearly 60 and going to dating is not something attractive at all in my view.

Whilst I am an independent person, I love being in a relationship and the idea of all the beautiful and positive things I experience in this relationship puts me off. Also because I KNOW NO RELATIONSHIP IS EVER PERFECT.

I know so many people who are divorced and are NOT any happier. They experience freedom and a lot of loneliness, too. Every single one.

Percentages of suicides if definitely higher in divorced people than married or single. These are facts. Scary ones.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 3:50 PM, Friday, April 19th]

I didn’t divorce but I did end a 2 year engagement and a total of 5 years supposedly monogamous relationship on my d-day.
I am 100% certain that at the time that was the correct way for me to go. We were only 4 weeks and 6 days from our marriage, and the last non-infidelity conversation I had with her was about 5-6 hours before walking in on them. It was about confirming a dj rather than a band, and some seating changes.

It was tough... Like really tough... Tasted the metal of the barrel of my gun, but never had the stupidity to pull the trigger.
About 3 months post d-day I guess I realized that this was survivable. Didn’t foresee any happiness in my future.
About 6 months I think I laughed once.
About 9 months I realized my first thought in the morning wasn’t my pain.
About a year... I had to think to remember why I should be so unhappy and miserable.
After that... It was all positive.

But this didn’t just "happen". All along I had some plan. Like in the beginning, I would do my routine run from home to work (police officer) and start by telling myself very consciously that I had the next three miles to think about her, the misery and the pain, and then I had to pack it for storage for the next 8-12 hours while I worked. Don’t really want a semi-depressed guy with a gun in your area... (But then, my supervisor put me on desk duty for a month... I guess he was wiser than I was.)
The pain would come back one home, but then I had all sorts of mental exercises to keep it in check. If I didn’t fall asleep in 30 minutes I would go wax my car, clean the bathroom or whatever. I refused to allow myself the misery I so much wanted.
Sometimes it worked, sometimes not.

The infidelity changed me. It wasn’t until about 15-20 years later when my infidelity-impacted mindset nearly wrecked my present marriage (met her about 18 months after d-day) that I dealt with that.

I’m happy in life. Great wife, great kids. My best friend is a black labrador. I have money left over after paying my bills and I don’t have to fix my own car. What else do you need in life?
I guess that would constitute a "successful" divorce...

I guess it depends on the circumstances if the M was toxic and abusive in some way a D is a godsend. I would NEVER go back to my M. I'm 50 and am dating the most amazing man, which this would have not happened had I not D'd.

If you are in a good M/R then D won't seem applicable to you. There are also some people here who didn't have a choice but to D. It's not all the bad doom and gloom some make it out to be quite honestly. I too am very independent but I want to be in a loving and respectful R and I didn't have that with my xWS.

I know a lot of divorced people who are happier and wish they had done it sooner (me included in this group). All depends on the demographics. I'm sure if you are looking for the negatives in D you will find them and vice versa.

Another thing about loneliness, I was lonely in my M so not much has changed there. I get lonely from time to time but it doesn't last long. I end up seeing friends, family, my kids and my boyfriend. So I am not really alone. I have an awesome cat too who I would be quite happy to spend the rest of my life with :)

Interesting on the suicide statistic. The one time that I attempted suicide and had suicide ideation was when I was married to my xWS. I do not have suicide ideation now.

Agree on the suicide statistic being interesting. The closest I came to thinking about that (not that I would ever do it) was while I was married. I just wanted the pain to stop.

I did eventually D a few years after D Day. Is it all sunshine and roses? No. It’s been just over 2 years since the D was finalised and while there is immense relief in knowing that I’m no longer part of infidelity, there are down times. I have young children though, so I have to interact regularly with XWH, and that may well be slowing me down in terms of healing timelines. But I also give myself grace, the D process itself is hard, I’m allowed time to process it. And the nice thing is that I have discovered that I am not in a hurry to find a partner. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being married and would like to get married again (with a suitable pre-nup in place!), but I’m also not going to put up with something that is a dealbreaker. For possibly the first time ever, I am at peace in my own company.

Ultimately, and unfortunately, when infidelity enters your life your life changes, whether you R or D. It will never be the same, whatever you do. And this was (and is) I think one of the hardest things for me - grieving my old life and the life I thought I was going to have.

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 9:50 PM, Friday, April 19th]

When I left, there was SOME immediate relief. Mostly in the anxiety department. It still took about a year for me to get mostly back to myself. Another year and I was completely apathetic to her existence. At that point I didn’t know if she was alive or dead and I didn’t care which one it was.

It’s been 20 years now. Sometimes I still think of the situation, and it does bring me some sadness but it’s the kind of emotion you feel when thinking about a sad movie you saw a month ago or so if that makes sense to you.

@Fantastic

Question for xBS: Did all your worries and pain disappear just because you got divorced? Did all the hurt that you suffered form the betrayal disappear? Are you happy now that your life has dramatically changed? Do you feel it was the best decision for you after trying to reconcile?

Did all of my worries disappear? Of course not, however it was the first step in regaining some truth and solid ground in my life. While the truth was not pleasant, knowing the truth about everything is a darn sight better than the hopium that is mentioned here often.

Divorce was absolutely the best choice for me, my life is good, with the exception of a little stupidity that she injected back into it. But like all things it can be managed.

Did all the hurt disappear? Of course not, but it does get better and remember we are a product of our life experiences, some are based upon love, joy and smiles. However we are equally a product of pain, hurt and frowns, the combination of both sides make us who we are...

I’m so much happier. My children have thrived. They got even better when they got old enough to drive and could leave their Dad’s house when things got crazy over there (the AP,now wife, is crazy).

I told my children our property lines were our safe space and no one was going to ever come in here and make them feel anxiety, including their Dad. Then I realized it’s a safe place for me, too. It’s been 10 years and I’m truly happy. I do things with my friends, started taking Zumba and Yoga at the Ymca, and go on short trips. I also feel very safe.

Everything BearlyBreathing said applies to me. Im no longer suicidal, can function again, im happy 1 yr out from divorce, no regrets. I still suffer sometimes with it all but it's significantly less. I have accepted the scars will be there forever but even if I stayed, it would've been worse.

I met and married an incredible man (creative, successful, loving, excellent values), have 3 beautiful children, and I've become the best version of myself. None of this would've been possible if I remained married to my ex.

I started feeling better as soon as I took control of the situation and filed for divorce, when she didn’t know I knew everything.

I filed 6 years ago last month, and been divorced for 5 1/2 years. Healing and feeling better was not immediate. There were many sleepless nights and nights when I went down to the basement and took out all my anger and frustration out on a heavy punching bag, which was the best thing I ever bought.

Healing took time, but it started with having here served!!

I am Very Happy with my life now. My two adult kids and family/friends were told everything and supported me through the darkest days. I have had several relationships and life is good.

Good luck, stay strong, and do what you must so you can look the person in the mirror every day.