SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Part #35

I just wanted to take a moment a vent a little bit.

I am convinced my WW told "things" to my children with the goal of making me look like I was responsible for her cheating, at least to some degree. 2 of my 5 have made comments which they would not have known about unless someone told them, and I certainly did not tell them. (i.e. – oldest son said I wasn’t present during the birth of him and his oldest sister. How would he know that? She had to have told him. The part left out was that I had been instructed by the nursing staff to not go in if I didn’t think I could handle it, and since I can’t, I didn’t.)

I say this because the oldest son has since told me I am not welcome on his property, that I’m not allowed to see my granddaughter, and that I need to figure out what is wrong with me and get help before he would even consider letting me back into his life. Prior to my WW confessing her sins to my son and DIL, he would call me about twice a week on his way home from work and we would chat, or talk on the weekends. That’s all gone, now. He, his wife, and daughter have even changed their last name back to the DIL’s maiden name.

I have another DD who won’t even speak to me, and she is living in my house. I have tried to talk to her about generic things like our car insurance, and she bolted out the back door, went to the front, and went upstairs. Unofficially, she has also changed her last name to something French-sounding.

I keep asking myself, "What have I done to deserve this treatment?" I conclude I haven’t done anything. I find it incredibly curious that after my WW "confessed" to the children while I wasn’t around, they seem to like her a lot more than they like me. Again, I am totally convinced she has told them I did horrible things to her which drove her into the arms of 15+ other men – that this is all my fault, and they bought it.

I guess I’m writing because I don’t know what to do. We can’t heal our relationship if they won’t even talk to me. I feel like I have to take on the attitude of the Prodigal Son’s father – I watch each day to see if either child is coming home down the road.

Has anybody else been through this?

On a total wild ride. To give perspective-she is 59, and I will be 59 next week.

We went away for a mini vacation. Had a great time. Had a passionate love making session-like over a hour with the extended foreplay and talking-this has not happed in over 20 years. (The sex itself is normal time).

So, she tells me she feels 26 again. We did not use lube, and have not had to the last several sessions. I still use Viagra as my confidence booster, but I am finding I get hard without it. No failures in months. Reaching the big "O" every time (me, her about 80%).

After this, we go to dinner-nice restaurant. She asks me did I think I could do it twice in one day. Then she proceeds to tell me what she would like to do to me. I am in shock, and also excited the table.

After dinner, back in the room we get into bed, and she says she knows she was flirting hard at dinner, but she is feeling full and doesn’t know if she wants sex. I held her in my arms and told her whatever happened was fine with me. If we made love, ok, if not, ok. We made out, but not like sex was inevitable.

There was no round two. I am not sure I could do a second round-have not attempted in 20+years. I was fully satisfied on round one, and gave physical and emotional, so round two would have been physically only. With my heart, I am not taking 2 viagra in one night.

Not sure what is going. She is enjoying my dick, I am enjoying her body as well. I am giving my self to her emotionally. We are having sex 3 times a week.

Is this hyper bonding? I am feeling connected to her for the first time in years. I am really happy!!

My nagging doubts are is she just after me for sex? I think she wants the person at the other end of my dick-but not 100% convinced. Burned pretty bad due to her A, and taking one hell of a risk opening myself up.

Any of you guys have this?

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 12:37 PM, Sunday, July 2nd]

Also guys, heard till the morning comes by Paul Anka and Peter Citera last week. Old song for the 80s. I sobbed like a baby, cause it it where I am. I have so much hope, but my hope is realistic. Hopefully I will not lose my man card. Below are the lyrics. If any of you guys are trying to R-maybe there is something here for you as well.

Two broken hearts
Neither one knows what to say
Both falling for love
But not quite all the way

Look at us now
Reaching back for yesterday
And wanting to know
If the other wants to stay

After all I'm the one who said we're through
Now I can't live without you anymore
And out there lost is a dream that can't come true
Is it worth the reaching for
Do you need me anymore
Darling

Hold me till the morning comes
Until I see your smile
Take all the sadness from your eyes
Hold me till the morning sun
Let me stay we've just begun
I wanna stay with you

Well shall we start
A tender world that we can share
And if we believe
In time we will get there

Look at us now
Wanting more than words can say
Both falling in love
But this time all the way

Out there lost are the words I still love you
Are they worth the reaching for
Do you love me anymore, darling

Hold me till the morning comes
Until I see your smile
Take all the sadness from your eyes (no more, no details)
Hold me till the morning sun
Let me stay we've just begun
I wanna stay with you

Hold me till the morning comes
Until I see your smile
Take all the sadness from your eyes
Hold me till the morning sun
Let me stay we've just begun
I wanna stay with you

Would you love me in the morning (would you love me?)(love me)
Will you still be there in the morning (would you love me?)
Or would you leave without a warning (say you stay)
(Say you'll stay by me) (say you love me too)
Say you love me too (don't run away)

Damn beachwalker, that is rough as hell. That they won't even talk to you is weird. I mean I told my dad to gtfo my property after an argument and we haven't talked in 6 years, but he has never once reached out. I don't get the name change either, that's heavy. I would try to find out exactly what she fed your kids because it sounds like bad MOJO.

Sorry that is going on man.

Beachwalker

Man, so sorry about the the kids. Don’t know exactly what is happening.

For the oldest son-maybe the DIL is the key. If you could get coffee or diner with the two of them, ask DIL what offense would DS ever do that would cause her to cheat on him. Hopefully that will turn on a few lightbulbs.

I don’t understand the young generation on fathers and birth. We strong Dads sometimes turn green at the birth process-I did and almost fainted on DS # 2-28 years ago.

Try reaching out to your other 3 kids-tell them what happened, and ask what WW has said. What has big brother said?

I hope this does not sound trite-but never been in your shoes. Both DS are in the dark, and I hope they stay that way.

I know it is hard, but try the grey rock, just give true answers without drama.

Sounds like M is done? So save the kids, they are all that matters now

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 4:34 AM, Monday, July 3rd]

I have been watching videos about relationships lately and have seen several which really hit home with me. Some of them point out my shortcomings and many confirm how I feel about how I’ve been treated.

I thought I’d share a few here. Feel free to comment if any of them hit home with you or are some kind of help to you. Feel free to post something that has helped you; it may help someone else. Here’s the first post of what may be a lot – we’ll see:

"The worst feeling is….

When you find out you didn’t mean as much to someone as you thought you did.

And you look stupid for caring so much."

hey gtmi, i totally missed your post last week. Mostly reading on the phone these days and apparently I'm not so tech savvy anymore.

Is this hyper bonding? I am feeling connected to her for the first time in years. I am really happy!!

My nagging doubts are is she just after me for sex? I think she wants the person at the other end of my dick-but not 100% convinced. Burned pretty bad due to her A, and taking one hell of a risk opening myself up.

I dunno if it's hysterical bonding but if you're really happy, you know what? Fuckin take it man. Proceed with caution on the opening yourself up for sure, but I feel like happy moments are at a premium. I figure, even if it turns out she "just wants your dick" if you can enjoy that moment, enjoy it. Make that happiness about you and make it yours and she can be privileged to share in that, and if she can't appreciate it? That's her problem.

If you can be happy without feeling exposed or unsafe, just take the win. You deserve it.

Unrelated, I think I need to Walk the Mojave again. Been deleting a lot of shit I write out, so seems some reflection time is in order.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 4:20 AM, Friday, July 21st]

I cannot find a place in the I can relate thread that you can ask questions to BS and WS male and female so I will put one in each. Hope that's oaky with the Moderators.
A question that both WS and BS can answer.
Would it be fair to say that from a woman's perspective of an A the most hurtful part of the A is the emotional betrayal over physical? (Woman being the BS)
And from a male's perspective it would be the physical side before the emotional? (Male being the BS)
The reason that it can be answered by both is getting answers from how the BS felt and what the W learned from their BS about the A.

Would it be fair to say that from a woman's perspective of an A the most hurtful part of the A is the emotional betrayal over physical? (Woman being the BS)

And from a male's perspective it would be the physical side before the emotional? (Male being the BS)

That seems to be the consensus from what I've read on both questions.

In my own case the fact that WW had sex with another man while being married to me stung the most after D-Day1. But what bothered me more is that a year and a half later she confessed that she also had fallen in love with another man during her A years. So who knows for sure? Generalizations are usually not a good idea.

I cannot find a place in the I can relate thread that you can ask questions to BS and WS male

Have you looked at the section called "Wayward Side?"

fhtshop:

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

No BS or WS can speak on behalf of other people. Generalizations are not only prohibited but useless in the this context. We are all different. We may have an opinion that all males feel X or all females feel Y, but it is only that, an opinion. We may believe fervently in the truth of our generalizations but you will soon find folks who have had a different experience. Please stay away from seeking generalizations. They are a guideline violation. If it is helpful to you, ask about a person’s own experience, not their generalized opinion. Good luck.

fhtshop,

For me it was the lying. But that matters only to me.

What needs to matter to you is how you feel about the the A. What's keeping you from posting about that?

Really, the only way to heal is to deal with your own specific combination of thoughts, feelings, and actions. We can help you figure that out, but you have to do the healing work for yourself. You need to get into and through your own pain. I know it's scary, but it's the only way.

sisoon

Like I have said I an earlier post it's a very long and complicated story from over 20 years ago and my English is not very good it would probably take me a hole day to put into words not only that there are so many very stressful things that I know happened to me at the time, but I just can't recall them in any detail which is very frustrating.
This particular question really isn't about me anyway it's just a curiosity about the makeup of male V female on the hardest part an A dose inflict (physical V emotional) is it different between male and female thats why I have put it in multiple arars here.

It doesn't matter what your native language may be - your English is better than my ability in your language. Have you considered drafting your post in your native language and using something like Google Translate to put it into English?

The problems with your question are:

1) yeah, that's what we call 'conventional wisdom', so it's unlikely to result in a fruitful discussion, and

2) at SI, the powers that be want to prevent over-generalizations, and we especially want to avoid generalizations based on gender.

Have you asked your WS about her motivation? What did she say?

Another quote from a video that caught my attention:

The opposite of belonging is fitting in, because fitting in is the assessing a group of people and thinking:

Whom do I need to be?
What do I need to say?
How should I act?
What do I need to wear?
And changing who you are accordingly.

True belonging never asks us to change who we are, it demands we be who we are.

The shame and humiliation of being a betrayed husband is awful. Everyone pities me but also thinks I must have done something wrong. I am humiliated and emasculated. It’s the worst. Everyone will judge me a cuck forever.

Jajay – You describe exactly how I felt when things sank in as to what had happened. I thought people had a very low opinion of me and blamed me for the marriage breaking down. What I discovered was that was not the case. I thought so in my head, though.

You know the truth and others don’t. All they have is the information either you or your WW gave them and they will choose to believe what they want to believe. What they believe may depend upon who is the closer friend to them instead of the facts.

Bottom line: You can’t control THEM. You really don’t know for sure what they’re thinking, so don’t worry about it.

You feel badly because your emotions on this matter are still raw, and that’s to be expected. Be kind and gentle with yourself. As you work through this process things will heal, and you will recover your focus on reality. When you do, the world will slowly look a whole lot better.

Hang in there, Brother! One step at a time!

Thanks for sharing that quote, Beachwalker.

GRRR

Had a shitty weekend, and just want to vent.

Family vacation with HER family-overall a good bunch except for her bitch of a niece.

Anyway, I ask about sex 1/2 way thru week. "No there are 8 people in this house"-we have a private room, and our bedroom is above the dining room. And I know how to be quiet and remind her of this. So she wins, and no sex all week.

I make a driving mistake and she flies off the rails. Her step mom is in the car, and our adult son. I am having none of this shit. I pull into parking spot, and tell her I will come back and get her when she finishes her hike. Everyone gets out of car. I go to rental and vent to my sister in law. (Also find out BIL us as crazy as W).

Younger adult son was not in car, but he is family peacemaker, so he asks me to apologize and tell him if she does not accept it. I apologize and try to explain what happened (driving mistake not entirely my fault, many moving parts, and poor info on directions.) she is total bitch and says not much of apology (which I did not want to offer in the first place). I just get a drink and make it a double. Tell younger son she did not accept it.

Today, she apologizes for over reacting. I ask did DS2 tell her to apologize-she says no, but she knows he told me to apologize and I did a lousy job at it (fuck you bitch).

Anyway, have a fantastic outing with DS1, DS2 and daughter in law. I had planned dinner, and got groceries. Come home, show family pictures of the day-have a good time.

Wife cooks dinner, (spaghetti), and then turns on me saying "I thought you were cooking dinner ". Well no, I planned it and did groceries, but did not promise to make it-and you did not ask.

Anyway, I ask family to make big deal over dinner(privately). She goes to bed in a huff-why I don’t know. I apologize to her family that they had to see her and my marital issues on display. Tell them everything has actually been better lately. All are gracious (bitch niece let earlier today-THANK GOD).

So leaving tomorrow for home. Dropping DS1 off after 2 hours, then 4 fun filled hours driving home (kill me now).

Things had been better, and then this disaster of a vacation. I’m horny as hell, but really not interested in fucking W. I know things will calm down, but I am pissed, and trapped. I really like her step mom, brother and sister in law. I have enjoyed all the vacation except the last two days with her. If niece and BF had not come, trip would have been great except for last two days. And I don’t want to come next year if this is the way W is going to act.

FML

@going to make it. Are you over 20+ years since d day? I am guessing it hasn’t been this bad all that time?

To me it sounds like communication issues and you are missing each other somehow? Would marriage counselling be an option?