Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Jash

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 35


goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 12:58 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023


Everything is good. We just had a super crappy week.

She wants her family to think her marriage (or at least she) is perfect. And they know it’s not, but she does not accept they know it. They put the fun in disfuntional.

I am in IC. He also does MC, but I am not ready for that yet. I buried so much for so long, I am working on me. I am being selfish on fixing me first.

We are talking, even about the A, which we never did. Some of it is painful. But burying did not work, so maybe sunshine on old issues must be the answer I am having to figure out what parts of her I love, what parts I am willing to live with (like dishwasher loading),and what parts are deal breakers that I want changed(like being assumed I am completely wrong on an issue, when I am partially or completely right).

I think because I skipped R 23 years ago, the stuff we should have dealt with -conflict resolution- just hung around and I have to deal with it now.

EMDR is also helping. It helps with old hurts I am carrying around. Some not even related to A.

I was just really pissed when I wrote the above. A week with her family is just too long. We only spend 4 days a year with mine, and that is perfect.

Thanks guys

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 3:08 PM, Monday, August 7th]

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 142   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8803555

Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 6:05 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

EMDR is also helping. It helps with old hurts I am carrying around. Some not even related to A.

Good to hear. After a few months of trying to find an EMDR therapist, I finally managed to get an appointment with one a week from Wednesday. It's over an hour away but no complaints about that.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1139   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8803602

Beachwalker ( member #70472) posted at 1:58 AM on Saturday, August 12th, 2023

Thank you, Sisoon!

Here is something else that kinda' hits home:

"Can we talk about the man who has been cheated on and has been embarrassed, because that man doesn’t even feel like he can talk about it? And when he does, he gets told she cheated on him because he wasn’t emotionally available to her, he wasn’t being a man, wasn’t being the provider. It was because of his lack of emotional intimacy that she went off and sought from somebody else which then became physical.

"But, yet, guys, we don’t tell that to women. We don’t place blame on women that get cheated on because she wasn’t physically intimate with him. No, we do quite the opposite.

"We put the scarlet letter on the man for doing the cheating, while she is getting support. -- Which is, by the way, what I think should happen, because cheating in no way should be the path, no matter the circumstance.

"But why can’t we recognize this double standard and change it, to know that women also cheat, that there is no excuse for that behavior, and that men can be unfairly hurt by it?"

Can I get an "amen"? Any men feel this type of response in their situation?

posts: 333   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8804169

goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 10:32 AM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023

Beachwalker-Amen brother.

I wanted to update. Things are going great. Sex is frequent, 3-4 times a week. But it is more than just the sex. I think she really loves me. I feel like I am loved by her. And I have fallen back in love with her. That is making the sex hotter, more passionate, etc. I take viagra, and with me feeling safe, there are no failures! have not had a failure in months.

I am so happy, and scared sometimes.

We are doing things together. Travel, hiking, etc. we can really fight sometimes, like I detailed above. That is times I don’t feel safe.

I am giving (really have given) myself to her. She is capable of really hurting me bad at this point. I think that is why the fight stung so bad. All the cruelty I know she is capable of came rushing back to me. I know I can be a big jerk at times, and I kept escalating instead of keeping my cool. We have apologized. I think I will tell her sorry again, and explain why this hit me so bad.

Most of the time, I feel safe. I feel warm and safe inside with her. Ironically, this brings back memories of DDay and the immediate aftermath. I guess a compare/contrast in my mind. I am going to IC, and he is doing EMDR, so I guess it’s time to go back and get DDAY me, and free him (and todays me).

I think the love she is showing is real. I know the love I am giving back is real. I am in a real good place right now.

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 142   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8804438

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:31 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

1) To heal and to R, we have to put the voices we hear inside our heads aside. Instead, IMO, we have t create internal messaging that supports ourselves. Sure, I think we all hear attacks on our manhood, but the only ones that count are the attacks we launch ourselves. Stop those, and what other people think makes no difference.

I always thought men whose partners cheat were weak somehow. Then a friend told me he was divorcing because his W wanted a D and a contractor. My friend was not weak. He was a good guy. He told me something about his M, and I could see that his W just made a bad choice. Her A did not diminish my friend in any way, in my mind. Yes, he's just one data point, but I think it's pretty common.

Who besides me was afraid to post here because he feared ridicule? Sure, there are people, especially on JFO, who talk about manning up, but they're in a minority.

So a lot of our fears about what other men would think about us are unfounded, IMO.

2) goingtomakeit - I think that sometimes we can't get to the light until we go through deep, deep darkness. That's a very encouraging update. It wasn't luck; it was the result of work that you and your W have done, and it's the result of enough courage to take the risk. Your W cheated. You stepped up for yourself and her and your M. Congratulations!

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29032   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8804630

Beachwalker ( member #70472) posted at 5:49 AM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

goingtomakeit: That's a lot of good news! I understand how you feel about feeling scared and good at the same time.

I am hoping for you things are genuine and real.

Hang in there and enjoy the good times. Hopefully, there will be lots more coming!!

posts: 333   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8804771

goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 12:40 PM on Monday, August 21st, 2023

I wanted to comment on the BH, and what other guys think.

I was 34 when I found out about A. I was so ashamed. I felt like guys would think I had a small dick, or was lousy in bed. There were some of my friends who talked about other guys who D because of a WW, and acted like it was the guys fault.

BUT-the important men in my life were not like that. The guys who loved and supported me-the greatest guys in the world, whom I can never repay, don’t feel that way. I have had a friend/attorney for ten years. We recently talked about moving assets into wife’s name. I said there was a problem-and told him about A. First time I talked about it in years to anyone. I was not in IC and trying R by myself and not working out that well for me-both situations are so much better today. Anyway, after I cried and spilled everything out, he quietly said "I wish you had told me sooner." He told me I was his Bro, and Bros looked out for each other-and we email and get together for lunch regularly.

Some guys are immature, and I think they laugh to cover up their fear it could happen to them. But other guys-my BIL, my college roommate, my lawyer friend, my brother-these kind of men support me, love me, and I am lucky they are part of my life.

And also, the A is not my shame-it is hers. I just recently came to that conclusion, and it is freeing my soul

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 12:42 PM, Monday, August 21st]

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 142   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8805083

Beachwalker ( member #70472) posted at 1:18 AM on Thursday, August 31st, 2023

Imagine hurting a man when God sent him to you, to heal you, to take care of you, to see you happy and to love you. And the only thing he asked of you in return was loyalty & respect to value him.

posts: 333   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8806033

64fleet ( member #18710) posted at 4:15 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Youngest is 18 wednesday, been waiting 16 yrs for this, not sure i can split though. She is senior, merit scholar, gov school alum, honor soc, girl scout, church voluteer, band, quiz bowl, gpa 4+ AP classes etc. On?y reason i stayed....shit..spouse OD ed on cactus juice month ago, ended up in ER, sober since, seen it before...made 6 mos yrs ago.
Young guys, no kids- !eave get out start over-shit clouds all..forever...

time wounds all heels

posts: 5544   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2008   ·   location: deliverance land
id 8807446

bluewater ( member #9297) posted at 4:08 AM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

It has been a long time since I last saw you here 64fleet. And it has been that long since you have been counting the days until your last one was out of the home and away from your WW. From what you have written your last kid seems to be thriving in every sense of the word. Congratulations on this.
But haven't you sacrificed enough of your life? Don't you think it is time you look after yourself and enjoy the time you have left?

posts: 667   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2006
id 8809056

64fleet ( member #18710) posted at 4:31 AM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

I am qt a crossroads in my life, not sure where to turn. I love my kids, love seeing them everyday.
Somehow the love for for thier mother has disappeared. Mid 50s hate to start all over, she says will take court order to leave, wish i had vids of her coming home drunk w\kids in tne car etc.
Model spouse now, how long???
Been.fooled before

time wounds all heels

posts: 5544   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2008   ·   location: deliverance land
id 8809146

foundoutlater ( member #32900) posted at 9:55 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

Not sure I have any sage advice. It's easy on the other side of the internet to say "YOLO" and shit. I know I did an analysis for the stay/go decision and kids were the decider in the "stay for now" decision for me. Could not imagine not seeing them every day, but worse than that was the thought of how much lost influence i would have, and how much more she would have. That was it for me.

Now that the kids are older and every day was not on the table anyway, the analysis swayed on am I happier with or without and realize I can never know, so now as long as I find the good outweighs the bad, I'm here. That romantic love has not come back, and I see that is the case in many marriages, including some that people are happy in. I am a caring person, and I think I care more about her than I do other people in my life, but we have some work to do. My wife is willing to work on it. Admitted her issues, worked through them as much as she was capable, and is willing to work on us so I'll give it a shot.

If she had not had some realizations and was willing to work on her then us, I would probably be here in the same place I am now, but figuring out if the change in things like holiday and family celebrations is worth being with someone not willing to work on it.

Probably useless but just wanted to try and help. I used to be on here a lot and now not really and wanted to raise my hand for anyone who remembers and say Hi. Life is crazy in good ways for me so I will most likely not be back for awhile again.

Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

posts: 1409   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2011
id 8809225
Cookies on®® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20230830 2002-2023® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy