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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 35

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:19 PM on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2024

I'm sorry about the accident. More trauma and pain ... I hope you heal well and quickly.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30029   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8820132
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 5:47 PM on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2024

Mr Kite
I'm glad to hear Hank is ok.
I'm sure he'll be by your side, while you heal.
If only our wives were as loyal as our dogs.

posts: 4761   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8820143
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Ascendant ( member #38303) posted at 9:45 PM on Sunday, January 14th, 2024

*tips cap*

Gents. Hope everyone is doing well, considering their individual circumstances.

posts: 5193   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2013   ·   location: North of Chicago, Illinois
id 8821210
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 1:00 AM on Wednesday, January 17th, 2024

Right back at you. It's cold here in Western Maryland, around 16 degrees along with snow. The wife has been gone since Nov. 4th taking care of our granddaughter in LA, California while our son and his wife sort out their upcoming divorce. Sad! It's just me and Hank my loyal dog and companion. How's everyone else doing these days?

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8821381
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:22 PM on Thursday, January 18th, 2024

It's up to 17 here now. It's downright balmy, after a few days of low single digit temps.

I went for a Prius 5 years ago, and I'm grateful. A friend has a Tesla that is stuck in hos garage.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30029   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8821647
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 12:39 PM on Thursday, February 1st, 2024

Ok guys,

I know I am struggling, and I really have only been in R for a year, even though Dday was along time ago. Champion Rug Sweeper here.

Anyway-let me say sex with her confuses me. I come away with good feelings and sometimes wondering if she wants me or my dick.

Background-we are both 59-have sex 3 to 4 times a week (over past year-loveless , sexless marriage for 2018-2022).

So, we have sex-good for me. She did not hit O, but she says it’s ok, she enjoyed it (not totally unusual). Also, we took some pot gummies just to relax before sex. So—we order dinner delivered, and watch TV for about an hour. The pot starts kicking in, so we go to bed to watch more tv (so I thought). She decided she wants to arrive-ok, cool, so we go at it. (Unusual) . I hold her in my arms. I think we are done, but no, she wants round 3. We do it again. WTF?? I mean WTF? we have not had sex more than once a day in years, maybe decades.

I love her. I know that. This is all really pleasurable to me. She tells me she loves me. I feel really connected to her after sex. I’m all in!

We have not been fighting, this is not make up sex.

So, what do you guys think? Was it the pot? Does she really love me (I think yes)? Does she love me for me, or because I am a good lay? I mean I fucking loved it. It was wild. I am just confused on what got into her. I want to be loved for me, not my body.

One more thing, I asked her what this was about, and she said making up for lost time. She said she loved having sex with me, and wanted to be close with me. She was sorry about the sexless time.

I need some clear heads to help me on this


(I edited, some details are not important)

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 3:26 PM, Thursday, February 1st]

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8823165
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 3:29 PM on Thursday, February 1st, 2024

Also. Just wanted to add, I don’t entirely trust her. I got really burned-like all you guys did.

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8823175
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 4:35 AM on Saturday, February 3rd, 2024

goingtomakeit - I'm envious. Sex 3 or 4 times a week? That's great. Enjoy it. The only thing I would ask her is why the sudden change after a long spell of a "loveless , sexless marriage?" You're a year into R. Is this postponed hysterical bonding or something else?

Also. Just wanted to add, I don’t entirely trust her. I got really burned-like all you guys did.

Well of course you don't. It's up to her to rebuild that trust.

Also, we took some pot gummies just to relax before sex.

Here's more for me to be envious of. As a gun owner, according to Federal law, I'm not allowed to buy or partake of weed. I would love to roll a doobie right now and drift off to sleep but that will not happen unless the law is changed.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8823451
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 10:05 PM on Friday, February 9th, 2024

Ascendant!

Great to see you mate! Hope all is well with the family. I don't post much these days either, but I read from time to time. Always great to see Menz still around from back in the day. I really don't try to use SI like social media, though I leaned on it a lot back in the day. Latest in my life is still recovering from hip replacement surgery, but everything else is going great. Planning on actually retiring this year so I can do more gardening and fishing. Just at that point where time is my most valuable thing that I can't get more of. Spending more time with Sand, the kids, and grandkids is what I want to be doing. Hope everyone is doing well and finding your own healing.

Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5877   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8824137
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 4:35 AM on Sunday, March 3rd, 2024

Guys,

Does anyone know anything about the Men of Honor weekend. I recently found a website-Beyond Affairs. This is just a guys weekend. Everyone who goes is affected by infidelity (WH and BH).

Anyone been?

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8827029
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:24 PM on Sunday, March 3rd, 2024

Looks like it's a descendant (rellc?) of a couple of) movements from the last quarter of the 20th century - 'marathons' (intensive weekend-long therapy groups and the 'men's movement'.

Long, intensive group therapy sessions can be extremely useful in building one's ability and willingness to love oneself. They provide 12-24 hours of therapy, depending on the program. That's the equivalent of 14+-29 IC sessions, but because there is not break after every session, it usually is a lot more intensive than 14+-29 IC sessions. It can be more stressful, too, but that helps - when the stress gets bad enough, it's easier to decide to change.

Also, some of the work gets done vicariously - that is, participants experience others do work that they need to do, so some attendees get help simply by seeing others do their work. I got a lot done in marathons, but I was careful about the leaders. I was fortunate in that I lived in a hotbed of therapy, knew a good therapist personally (W's parents' close friend), and she gave us info about the leaders who were doing marathons. Today ... I haven't seen a marathon advertised in probably 30 years. OTOH, these guys have been doing these weekends for a long time, so they may be very good.

One downside of the intense nature of weekend-long therapy is that it is too much for people with very big issues. People can freak out, like a bad acid trip. I saw that once, and I remember it pretty well, even though the leaders had the person well under control - they had to do a lot of soothing, though, of the person herself and of the other attendees.

I saw the men's movement as over-hyped. It's propaganda about what some people think 'manhood' is. It's not bas stuff, but I didn't feel a need for support as a man. I was probably wrong, since I know a guy who is a great therapist and a leader in the men's movement, and he kept inviting me. I probably would have benefitted from joining his group on some weekends.

Anyway, the ideas used to sell the weekend are good, but I don't personally know if this particular iteration will help. It may be worth it. YMMV.

Have you considered Retrouvaille? A number of SIers have gone to Retrouvaille weekends, and they have all (IIRC) been happy with the program. It's for couples, not just men. It's also Roman Catholic, but everyone on SI has said the spcifics of the program are not limited to any one religion.

One Monday long ago, an SIer posted that she had just come back from Retrouvaille in a particular city. Another person posted the same thing. It took a couple of responses for them to realize they had been to the same session. It was a break in anonymity, but a happy one.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30029   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8827076
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64fleet ( member #18710) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

Hello, is this thing on? Seems !il s!ow lately
So fww lately has been accusing me of having a girlfriend,mostly due to my lack of interest in sex.I tell my buddies i dont want the woman i have let alone another. Do i tell her the same? Got no interest in any relationships anymore, just wanna be alone, live life in peace. 55 now, is it an age thing?

time wounds all heels

posts: 5546   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2008   ·   location: deliverance land
id 8837995
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 9:10 AM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

It might be an age thing or it might be that you want to avoid going through the same pain again. Both are understandable. I’m 43 and plan to go into another relationship and maybe have more kids. I refuse to let my WW’s betrayal and abandonment define the rest of my life.

It sounds like you’re still in contact with your WW, either directly or through the grapevine. Why? No good can come of it. It’s just a way for her to try to continue to control you and will block your path to healing. If you have kids you only text her about them for logistics. That’s what I do.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8838000
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 1:54 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

Hello, is this thing on? Seems !il s!ow lately

So fww lately has been accusing me of having a girlfriend,mostly due to my lack of interest in sex.I tell my buddies i dont want the woman i have let alone another. Do i tell her the same? Got no interest in any relationships anymore, just wanna be alone, live life in peace. 55 now, is it an age thing?

64fleet,

Sorry you are here and feeling this way still after such a long time. As far as not having an interest in sex, that could be an age thing but could also be a low Testosterone thing. On another forum I am on, many BHs talked about their testosterone tanking after finding out their wives had been unfaithful. It’s weird but almost literally being emasculated. I started doing some research and loss of libido, lack of energy and general depression can be symptoms. Ironically, I thought those were just the symptoms of being cheated on (I suppose two things can be true). I asked my Urologist to check mine and it was super low. So I was put on TRT (the gel at first but that did nothing) and now my T is "in the range of an 18 year old" and I am 61. Let’s just say "lack of libido" is the polar opposite of where I am now. But here’s the rub. I am still basically just a roommate with my wife. In a perfect world, I would have left after discovering her multiple infidelities from many years ago. The love has basically died except for being the mother of my children and being together for 43 years. But were we REALLY together at all? It was basically a mirage.

I read through many of your posts. It seems like you have been feeling this way for a while. I understand you were hanging around until your youngest turned 18. Isn’t that this year? If you truly want to just live alone, you SHOULD tell your wife. At this point, you deserve to live the life you choose. Not the "lie" you have been forced to live due to her cheating.

At any rate, it won’t hurt anything to have your testosterone checked. I feel sooooo much better overall even though the cheating still hangs over me like an albatross (and likely always will).

You deserve happiness!

[This message edited by ImaChump at 2:28 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Me: BH (61)

Her: UW (60)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 148   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8838009
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