SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Short Version Background:

I returned home from business trip with a 10+ hour flight to have my X announce that she was moving out. Surprise would not begin to describe my thoughts at that moment. She stated there was nobody else but since the kids were now gone in college we were living "separate lives", seemed like an odd statement at the time, but later on it would have meaning.

She stayed the night, which I have no idea why at all since I left the our bedroom and went into the extra bedroom that night. She departed in the morning and I was left to figure out what had just become of my life in less than 12 hours. I needed information so I dug, discovered some assets had been moved so I locked everything up and continued digging. During this time she of completely invisible, no idea where she was and what was going on. Called the kids and she had told them she had moved out as we were "having difficulties", I informed them that I was unaware until a day ago.

Anyway long story short, there was obviously another guy, perhaps two as I'm still unclear on that point but in the end it really doesn't matter much. Kids decided to stay "neutral" as they "loved" both of us however it was clear that they "understood" their mother's motivation as "well, Dad you work so much". Divorce went as expected a bit longer as she clearly dreamed of walking away with a percentage of company which she was unable to secure due to the usual 5Ds, however she did well enough.

Currently, we are more than 5 years after the divorce.

The X, kids and the rest family seem to believe I should get back together with my X. They seem to believe since I have never "found anyone", although as I've explained clearly to the kids that I through myself completely into my work and did not even have the slightest interest in anything beyond the mid-superficial with any woman. The benefits financially to this have been fantastic in face beyond anything I had dared to dream about. Emotionally, I'm happy enough I suppose as getting a dog does wonders.

I have been under, well let us call it pressure for the last Y months and I'm getting weary of it. To the point of I am considering walling them all off. My perspective on them all is they were all at best neutral on this affair, as they all met the bonehead other guy both kids got along well enough with both of the Bundy's (this is my name for X and the other guy). Obviously X's other relationship ended poorly and somewhat spectacularly from my understanding, seems their finances were diminished to nonexistent depending upon which of the kids perspective. This is what I assume is the primary motivator, but when I say this out loud I hear back it is not about money. She made a mistake but you are to blame as well dad if I condensed everyone's conversations down to a sentence.

So, I find myself internally debating how to handle this situation as politely blocking it has been ineffective and now it has gotten to where the veneer the kids and my family and my X had on who they assigned the blame for the "situation", (their word not mine) has slipped into the open. I guess I am hurt by this, but mostly I find myself asking why in the world I would want someone back in my life who betrayed me and now I'm starting to see the rest of my family in the same light. I'm also asking if I am such a bad person to have caused this, and why if I am they keep engaging me.

I did not intend for this to become a diatribe just an early morning call from my oldest has set me off....

Hey there sorry you are having to deal with this nonsense, but that is frankly what it is, total nonsense. Your wife cheated on you and left you for the OM. She went to the great lengths of divorcing you. You are under no obligation to have any further relationship with her and you do not have to have a relationship with your children if they are going to act like the spoiled brats that they are. Your kids are adults, they are plenty mature enough to understand that their mother cheated on their father and left him, but she did the classic wayward bullshit of rewriting the marriage history to make you the bad guy.

The only condition that you should seriously consider anything more with your ex wife is if you truly wanted it but under the condition that she had done work to be a safer partner that won't just do it again. Can't tell much from what you shared, but it seems as though she has just monkeybranched around and is now hoping to come back to you. However, your obligations to this woman ended the second she fired you as a husband and started having affair. One day you will have to share grandkids with this woman, so being on decent speaking terms is a positive, but that can be done without getting back together.

You said that you threw yourself into work when this happened, a strategy that I was trying and my therapist disavowed me of doing. How are you doing? Have you done any therapy to start to process the trauma you have been through? The real truth is that you can't focus on any meaningful relationship with anyone if you are still mired in the affair trauma, which is a bit of the sense I am getting from your post.

Good luck and keep posting, maybe the group here can help you get some clarity and a path forward here.

Wooooooow. Since your kids and your family are totally out of bounds here, let ME tell you - THE AFFAIR WAS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. I don't care if you worked 24 hours a day 7 days a week, not one thing excuses or justifies her choosing to have an affair. I do have a certain level of empathy for your kids in that navigating the situation must have been awkward and difficult for them, but being "neutral" means that they wouldn't be blaming YOU for it.

This is a horrible spot for you to be in and I am so sorry. I would make it very VERY clear to everyone that getting back with your ex is never happening. Maybe you could just tell them that talking about the ex, the affair, the divorce etc is no longer allowed with you. I had to do a bit of that myself with some friends/family after my D - had a few that were still friends with the x that were trying to tell me about what he was up to and I had to make it clear to them that I was not interested in hearing anything about him ever again. Had to cut a few off that refused to honor that boundary as well.

why in the world I would want someone back in my life who betrayed me

That sounds like an answer enough for me. Or, just plain ol' No. Tell your kids that you are saying no, and any further attempts to bring the topic up will result in your abrupt departure from the conversation.

So sorry you find yourself in the situation.

Please don't ever blame yourself for her actions.

My WH traveled a great deal and had a side business, both of which took him away from the family way too often. He had an A, I didn't despite being lonely and tired and pretty much living on an assembly line that never stopped day in and day out.

I would make it very VERY clear to everyone that getting back with your ex is never happening. Maybe you could just tell them that talking about the ex, the affair, the divorce etc is no longer allowed with you

Ellie was spot on.^^^^

Continue with YOUR life, and if they want to be a part of it, then they have to accept that you have moved on.

Others beat me to thoughts and well said:

EllieKMAS ( member #68900)posted at 10:10 AM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

Wooooooow. Since your kids and your family are totally out of bounds here, let ME tell you - THE AFFAIR WAS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. I don't care if you worked 24 hours a day 7 days a week, not one thing excuses or justifies her choosing to have an affair. I do have a certain level of empathy for your kids in that navigating the situation must have been awkward and difficult for them, but being "neutral" means that they wouldn't be blaming YOU for it.

leafields ( Guide #63517)posted at 10:14 AM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

" why in the world I would want someone back in my life who betrayed me "

That sounds like an answer enough for me. Or, just plain ol' No. Tell your kids that you are saying no, and any further attempts to bring the topic up will result in your abrupt departure from the conversation.

hardyfool

Yes, you are enduring a "sorry" situation
HOWEVER, Ask yourself "Who's looking out for me?"

The ex and your offspring are looking out for THEMSELVES and/or the EX.

Get a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and read it a few times.

Sometimes in life - choices are not "good" or "bad" - they are "bad" and a bit "worse than bad"

You get to choose and I hope you choose such that your long term happiness is attained.

Good Luck? Preparation meeting opportunity

Tell your X you might consider some no-strings-attached FWB type get-togethers for now, if she wants a bit of light fun.

You should tell her that you will consider talking to her on the condition that she admits to an affair publicly.

She had fun and is crawling back to you. She also turned your children against you. Tell her to admit the affair publicly with the "promise" of getting back together. Play to win, don't play fair. Life isn't worth having your family, especially your kids, hate you based on a lie

[This message edited by Dontgetit4 at 5:56 PM, Tuesday, April 11th]

I would make it very VERY clear to everyone that getting back with your ex is never happening. Maybe you could just tell them that talking about the ex, the affair, the divorce etc is no longer allowed with you.

Agreed with EllieKMAS, particularly this bit quoted above. It's okay to have boundaries. In fact, it's actually GOOD for your kids to see you modeling boundaries. You don't have to justify your position. It's enough that you are happy with your current lifestyle and that you don't want your ex back. You have an absolute right to your boundaries.

If it helps any, I don't think your kids are being malicious in any way. People who haven't really experienced intimate betrayal don't seem to be able to fully empathize with it. Personally, I do remember feeling like I had empathy with friends who were experiencing infidelity, but man oh man, do I ever cringe now thinking about the advice I gave.
I just don't think we can really conceive the trauma and the anguish until we've actually felt it ourselves. It's like childbirth. I could explain it all day, but you'd never really feel it. Your understanding would always be cerebral and inexact.

I think if it was me, I'd just tell them that I was never getting back together with their mother and that I didn't want to hear anything else on the subject. You don't have to defend your stance on this. It's enough that you don't want it.

Sounds to me like XW lost all of her money and wants you back so that she can feel financially secure again, and the kids are regurgitating her thoughts.

At first I thought that it would be a good idea to tell the kids that you have no intention of ever getting back together with their mom because she's not trustworthy and you don't have feelings for her anymore, but you don't even have to go there. It's superfluous. It's not their business. It could cause drama. Just tell them once that you are happy with your life the way that it is and that this subject is off limits. I'd set a boundary that I will hang up/leave if the subject is broached, and then I'd make sure to back that up with action if they cross the line.

They'll probably have your "Bad Guy" badge all shined up and ready to go for when they finally accept that their tactics aren't working, but as long as YOU don't buy into it, it's all good.

Thank you for your responses....It is kind of nice to know I'm not the complete posterior orifice.

@EllieKMAS

Wooooooow. Since your kids and your family are totally out of bounds here, let ME tell you - THE AFFAIR WAS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. I don't care if you worked 24 hours a day 7 days a week, not one thing excuses or justifies her choosing to have an affair. I do have a certain level of empathy for your kids in that navigating the situation must have been awkward and difficult for them, but being "neutral" means that they wouldn't be blaming YOU for it.

I appreciate your comment and obviously their neutral position slanted oh heck tilted like a old pinball machine toward their mother. She was the fun whimsical one and I am the serious one, although they are adults now, I doubt that will change anytime soon.

@Leafields

That sounds like an answer enough for me. Or, just plain ol' No. Tell your kids that you are saying no, and any further attempts to bring the topic up will result in your abrupt departure from the conversation.

Already happened, this is reason why I am considering walling them off and calling them out on their perspectives, and plan on issuing this ultimatum in the near future and lets the chips fall where they might fall.

Please don't ever blame yourself for her actions.

My WH traveled a great deal and had a side business, both of which took him away from the family way too often. He had an A, I didn't despite being lonely and tired and pretty much living on an assembly line that never stopped day in and day out.

I have vacillated on that point, but I agree, it is like they believe someone enjoys going and grinding themselves everyday, I always wondered if they thought their lives were normal with the vacations and private school and college without the debt that so many students are saddled.

I have thought of myself recently as the Boxer the horse in Animal Farm, as long as I useful I have a place, and beyond that moment off to the glue factory.

Perhaps I'm just a bit irritable today over this situation.

@Hippo16

Sometimes in life - choices are not "good" or "bad" - they are "bad" and a bit "worse than bad"

This resonates and I do fear this may be what comes to pass with the all of them.

@Butforthegrace

Tell your X you might consider some no-strings-attached FWB type get-togethers for now, if she wants a bit of light fun

.

I appreciated the laugh, but really isn't my style and the thought of touching her is on thought, repulsive.

@talisman

You should tell her that you will consider talking to her on the condition that she admits to an affair publicly

I don't know much good that would do, it was obvious although not spoken about. A pound of flesh....I don't see how it changes the dynamics as if the kids/family didn't know it was because they chose to lie to themselves and erase the obvious from memory.

@Dontgetit4

She had fun and is crawling back to you

I did tell just about everyone that about a month ago, It did cause a few tears and gasps depending on the person.

@ChamomileTea

If it helps any, I don't think your kids are being malicious in any way. People who haven't really experienced intimate betrayal don't seem to be able to fully empathize with it. Personally, I do remember feeling like I had empathy with friends who were experiencing infidelity, but man oh man, do I ever cringe now thinking about the advice I gave. shocked
I just don't think we can really conceive the trauma and the anguish until we've actually felt it ourselves. It's like childbirth. I could explain it all day, but you'd never really feel it. Your understanding would always be cerebral and inexact.

This made me smile a bit, the kids have always been naive bordering on foolish with their understandings of the world.

Generational issue perhaps...

...the kids have always been naive bordering on foolish with their understandings of the world.

Welcome to the club. I just try to remember how stupid I was when I was their age.

Wow the old gal has been coaching your kids for a very long time, hasnt she? What a manipulator. Steel yourself to cut ties with anyone who doesnt respect your boundaries, including your kids.

Your kids are probably hoping you will get back together as your ex may be showing regret and they may assume you can both get to how you were when they were growing up. Yes your work may have contributed to a break down in the relationship but she chose an affair instead of communication and that is on her. If you are dead set against having reconciliation then just say something like "there was a time I loved x but that time has gone and the love is no longer there. Whether our marriage broke down due to work or other things I cannot forget the affairs and what they did to me. I understand it may be upsetting to hear but I do not and will not be reconciling. I will always respect x as your mother and be grateful for the time we had together but our future is separate"

Your kids were neutral when your wife abandoned the marriage. Tell them they need to extend the same courtesy to you now if they respect you.
Make this a deal breaker if they want you in their life.

Better still , tell them if their mother comes back to your life their inheritance will go to charity . Watch them ditch her and her plans to weasel back into your life.

On a side note, raise your glass to Ms.Karma.

I feel for you. Wasn’t totally the same but I ran into a similar situation with my kids. My EX had a highly sexual affair which I found out about. We kept it from the kids for five years. After I told her I couldn’t live with what she had done, everything except for the brutal details it came out. Initially the kids were shocked and angry at their mother, but it soon turned against me. They felt my wife was truly remorseful and did everything she could to make amends, and that I should forgive her and work things out. I was always the guy who fixed things, and they felt I should fix this. They saw what she did as a giant mistake, and was totally out of character. Which was true. They felt what I did was a thought out decision and was the wrong one. I didn’t back down.

They still think in their "parent trap" minds that someday we were destined to reunite and everyone would live happily ever after. Never going to happen.

Things are better now, but I’m still the bad guy. I can live with that.

It is going to be very hard to cut off your kids. You have probably done this, but can you sit them down and tell them that what she did destroyed the marriage to the point of no return? By being firm with them and letting them know that you have moved on, and they and your EX should also? Do you think your EX is instigating this? Being firm with them and letting them know that there is zero chance of you getting back together is the best solution. At some point grandchildren will be coming around, and you don’t want to miss that

I hate to be a cynic, but I wonder …..the ex blew all her funds with the boy toy, right? How she’s keeping up the fun dynamic without you footing the bill? Or is she is now looking for support and handouts from the kiddos……

As the fixer, worker, sacrificer… in the family….. maybe they want her back on the gravy train and off their backs. You are just the historical and Convenient dump site.

I see a very clear parallel dynamic in my brothers relationship with his kids. He is to work himself into the ground to provide material comforts, extravagant gifts and sometimes vacations he can’t attend. It’s so sad to watch him sidelined in the family he loves.

You have made choices in the aftermath of betrayal and being single is one of them. That choice doesn’t in any way, shape or form mean you have so few options you’d take a remorseless, cheating, lying, ex back because she blew her rainy day fund and is now bumming her kids out to fill… the void?!?!

If you were a workaholic in their opinion, she had options and she chose to blow the place up rather than fix it. It can’t be undone.

I agree with the other poster that said to invoke their neutrality. Your marriage has been over for 5 years. They don’t have to agree with or like your choices. However, you now have the agency to live your life in ways that you choose and it will be without a relationship with the ex.

It may be hard because they don’t get it. But they don’t have to get it, just respect and accept it.

The campaigning of these adult children and family members is somewhat juvenile. These are the fantasy scenarios of young children and Disney movies. They can put all the pressure on you they want. It up to you if you crumble or emerge a diamond.

You are under no obligation to be her rescue aid society or Plan B.

You are under no obligation to set yourself on fire so your children can roast marshmallows.

Practice the phrase "I love you but will not discuss this topic with you" ad nauseum.