SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing ok. Thinking of you all in your situations.

I just feel like I am trying to do all the right things to recover from my ex’s cheating, abandonment and leaving me for the OW. I’m in weekly therapy, taking anti-D’s, keeping busy, yoga, reading the books and journaling. These things are helping a little but I just feel like every day is a battle at the moment. I’m so tired of waking up every morning feeling sad and like every day is a battle.

The anti-D’s are helping with the ruminations. But I still have intrusive thoughts about them being happy together- I still feel extreme anger and injustice about him making me wait 3 years for a baby (now too late for me due to age) and getting her pregnant 4 months after leaving me.

I have gone total NC since he told me about the baby at the beginning of June. Prior to that he contacted me in May and told me he missed me and I thought he wanted to R. It’s just been such a horrible process to go through. I know that I shouldn’t have had contact but I was in such a confused and sad space at the time and thought we were going to R.

I really am trying to control my thinking and do positive things. I read the lists of every bad thing he ever did. But I don’t seem to be able to move on from it. My feels range daily, missing him, anger, grief, rage. It feels like I will always be this way.

The A was such a shock to me as we were moving in together and trying for a baby. I thought we were so happy. Now he has given that to the OW.

I was always a happy person, but I feel this experience has shattered me. I have turned into a person who calls helplines in tears, lost my sense of humour and have no hope for the future. I don’t understand why the person that I loved so much and cared for has damaged me so much.

Why do I miss him still? Why do I want to reach out to him? I don’t understand my own feelings. I want to move on from this but everyday is a battle. I just wish he had never told me about the baby. That’s the part that hurts me the most. Im triggered by babies and families as this reminds me of what they now have and what I have lost.

When will it get easier? I’m still struggling to eat, work and move forward from this truly horrible experience. Thank you for listening.

Hi, Summertime, what you are feeling is very normal. Infidelity causes trauma, that's why we say in general it takes 2-5 years to heal. The person you trusted most and was supposed to have your back stabbed it repeatedly.

I remember those days when I'd wake up and the first thing on my mind was the affair. Not a great way to start the day feeling like you just want to crawl back in bed. One day you will get to the point where you think about the affair less and less.

You are doing all the right things. Are you spending time with friends and family? Making plans to take a vacation, even solo if necessary? What helped me just a bit was something to look forward to, not just the daily routine of trying to make it through the day.

I also volunteered at an animal shelter which was extremely helpful helping these helpless creatures. Giving of yourself is a good way to heal IMO.

I don't really have any words of wisdom other than it takes time.

We've all survived, you will too. I know it doesn't seem like it today, but you will not only survive, you will thrive.

You are doing really well just by reaching out (((HUGS))). This trauma is unlike any other because it is caused by the person we TRUSTED. The pain doesn't subside overnight...but rest assured...it WILL subside .

annb has given GREAT advice...and she should know! She has been here a while...and was one of the first to reach out to me when I started on this site .

From what I am understanding...he did NOT give the adultery co-conspirator a baby. It sounds more like she got pregnant to TRAP him into staying...especially with him calling you in May to tell you he missed you. She KNEW she wouldn't be able to keep him on her own. That isn't a good way to be in a relationship. Besides...even if that wasn't the case...statistics show that relationships that start out as A's very seldom make it to M. For those that do get married...an even lower percentage stay that way. Those babies and families that you are seeing are NOT the reality that THEIR relationship is.

You seem to have a LOT of LOVE to give . There are MANY ways to have a child...and it doesn't have to be through biology. Who knows...you may find yourself in a relationship with a person who has children...and YOU will be able to give them all of your LOVE! One of our children is in such a relationship. They LOVE their family..and we ADORE our grandchildren...biological or not .

I used to be a happy person too...until my H put me in infidelity hell . I didn't think I could EVER be happy again...and it did take a while to find it...thus my username. But I AM happy again...and YOU will be too . It may not seem like it because the changes are subtle. But in a little while you will see the results of your healing and that will give you the strength to keep moving forward .

Prior to that he contacted me in May and told me he missed me and I thought he wanted to R. It’s just been such a horrible process to go through. I know that I shouldn’t have had contact but I was in such a confused and sad space at the time and thought we were going to R.

Well since you had contact in June, you aren't 7 months out, you're 1.5 months out. Any new revelations/contact/etc sets your clock to zero. So I think you're doing exceptionally well for being 1.5 months from the most recent gut-punch. Cut yourself a huge amount of slack - the baby thing is a big deal and of course you're a mess from it. Thank goodness my xwh didn't (or couldn't) impregnate anyone, cus we were trying for kids too. I can't imagine what a hard time you're having with that part of this mess. I am so sorry!

You're doing the right steps - getting on meds, talking yourself down, calling helplines. All of that is good and even if it doesn't feel like it, all those little steps are moving you forward. It just takes time to heal. I wish there was a shortcut or something, but there isn't. Just keep doing those little steps and give it TIME.

I read the lists of every bad thing he ever did. But I don’t seem to be able to move on from it. My feels range daily, missing him, anger, grief, rage. It feels like I will always be this way.

I remember feeling like this too, but believe me your mindset will change. The further you get from it, the more you heal, the stronger you will feel. It's okay if you don't feel that right now, but the change is inevitable. Just please please stay no contact no matter what. NC = no new hurts.

Final thought - as hard as it is to avoid this, try not to think of their "happy" life. I remember thinking that too - that my xwh would find a new person and be some perfect version of himself that I never got. But you know what? Changing who they are WITH does not change who they ARE. Your ex is not some shiny new perfect version of himself - he is the same wayward head-up-ass cheating douchenugget he has always been. And now he and his fellow cheater loser ow are bringing a kid into their fucked up existence. Something tells me that their 'perfect' life will not be sunshine and rainbows. Regardless of whatever mess they are getting themselves into tho - YOU are free from it. You are free from HIM and his dysfunction and bullshit. You will move on and heal and you will be stronger and better than you even know right now - he and his schmoopsie will be living with all the far-reaching consequences of their own shitty decisions. That doesn't sound like winning to me.

Hugs honey - you're doing better than you think!

You are upset and shattered b/c you think your dreams are gone. Never to be reached by you. And the fact he impregnated the OW - well I am certain that was NOT planned.

And it’s not what you imagine in your mind either.

Cheaters love to pain the rosy picture of their life after they have "moved on". Just remember he at one point wanted to R. That tells you he’s not good for anyone b/c he doesn’t even know what HE wants.

I’m sorry for you. But I do believe you lucked out in not having a child with someone as sketchy as the X. You are better off being a single parent. I had a friend who did it by adopting two kids. Best thing she ever did (in her words).

Of course you're shattered. Who wouldn't be. You had this future mapped out with someone you love, and it got pulled out from under you. Loving someone isn't something you can just turn off, even if it is illogical and undeserved. You are doing everything right. It will just take time.

When my EXH left me for the OW, I too was shattered. I can remember that I couldn't stand to see happy families. It would literally bring me to tears, in malls, carnivals, restaurants, you name it. I knew I was better off without him, because he had a history of infidelity, and he was an arrogant demanding jerk who I was constantly apologizing for. But I hung on to being in love with him for about two years.

What eventually occurred to me was that what I didn't want to let go of was being in love, not necessarily him. As long as I was still in pain I felt like I was still in a relationship. I felt like I was nothing without a man in my life. Like I was dead inside if I didn't feel that pang of grief over still loving someone who didn't love me. I felt like if that went away, it meant love inside me was gone. It caused me to put up with a bad relationship to avoid being in no relationship after my divorce. I had to learn that I had a world of opportunities and great things to see and do and they weren't dependent on having a man in my life. My hope for a future was squarely in my hands.

You'll get there too. Your heart just isn't ready to let go yet. I do think you are making progress though, because the fact that you don't understand why you still love him means you're starting to realize he doesn't deserve it. Things are slowly coming into focus. 7 months is nothing in terms of recovering from such a shattering event. Give yourself credit for doing all the right things to speed your recovery.

Agree that the recent contact set your healing back. It will take time and coming here posting is good. I just want to echo the part about this new baby being unplanned and the fact their relationship started as an affair is a really bad sign. The stress that a baby adds to a relationship will most likely break one that has started as an A. Either way if he comes around sniffing again I would shut that ish down. You have a chance to heal and surround yourself with good people and exciting times ahead. Your ex jumped into the frying pan with someone who is a risk and baby adds stress.

It's awful what your ex did but his behavior and actions have proven him to be an unworthy person. Take the time to get to know yourself and the things you love again. Distract yourself with trips and outings. Plus when you are ready there are amazing people out there that will treat you far better than your ex, who needs that!

Give yourself time and grace. Just know that this will pass. I never thought I would see happiness again and I am living it now and am loving my new life. It took me YEARS of pain but looking back I would do it again to get to where I am now. It's a process and a metamorphosis. You will rise.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:54 PM, Monday, July 25th]

Wow guys thank you so very much for your support, understanding and encouragement. I am truly grateful. ❤️ Your messages brought me to tears. I just feel like I can talk openly and freely with you. I keep every message and read them in my low moments. Especially in the mornings. They give me so much hope. To know that you guys understand and have come through the other side gives me hope.

My friends and family want me to be better, bless them. They say ‘are you feeling better now?’ And I just say yes. Even though I don’t. It’s quite a lonely experience to go through.

I truly don’t know what I would do without the angels on SI. To talk to people that have been there themselves is true compassion.

I know that I am grieving the loss of my planned future. A lot of what you guys have said really resonates with me. My heart can’t let go get. But my head is getting there. I know what he has done has been truly awful. We were trying for a baby the night before he left me. And it really does feel like the man I loved and trusted stabbed me in the back. But I still love and miss him. That’s what makes me feel crazy, But I will continue with NC.

It really helps to think that things might not be perfect their end. 😄 My mind goes to them being so happy, in the house that we picked out. But I know my ex and he certainly wasn’t perfect and had big commitment issues.

Thank you for the advice about triggers, instead I will remind myself that this will not be the reality for them. Two cheaters together with major issues and an unplanned pregnancy doesn’t sound too perfect to me!

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and for your kind words. Bless you all. Hugs. Thank

But I still love and miss him. That’s what makes me feel crazy, But I will continue with NC.

You love and miss who you THOUGHT he was - but that's not who he actually IS. He is a cheater, and a liar, and a person who would try for a baby the night before walking out on someone. That's the reality of who he actually is.

It helped me early on to remind myself of who I was dealing with cus my heart kept wanting to ignore reality. When I started going down the 'I miss him' rabbit hole, I had a list I wrote out that I would take out and read over and over about all the bullshit that I was leaving behind by leaving him. It always helped refocus me a little bit to consciously LOOK at all the things that I put up with over the years. I only needed it for a few months after we separated - that and blocking him everywhere - fb, all social media, linked in, email, phone number, the works (honestly at this point the only way he would have to get in contact with me would be to show up on my doorstep... and I'm not worried about that because my xwh is a coward). When I say no contact, I mean NO contact. Block block block. And as hard as the babies thing is, it was actually a blessing for me that with no kids I was able to completely cut off contact with him.

It takes time for your head and heart to coordinate and that's okay. Is all part of the process.

I still feel extreme anger and injustice about him making me wait 3 years for a baby (now too late for me due to age) and getting her pregnant 4 months after leaving me.

Do you live in a home that you used to share with him? If so, that might be making it harder to let go, and moving might be a consideration.

Is there anything new you can do in your life, like go back to school for a new skill, get a hobby, travel, etc? Diving into something new can take your mind off the past and help you to move on.

I also recommend you read about relationships and learn a bit about what went wrong here. The cheating and abandonment were 100% his fault, the only thing that you could have done to improve the situation would have been to be more logical about the state of the relationship while you were in it, to use your head and not only your heart. That would have allowed you to see that you were being poorly treated, and to end things yourself before you got too attached and hopeful.

I recommend you read:

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:05 AM, Wednesday, July 27th]

I don't know how this will sound to you because I am going to wear my WS hat for a second, but I want you to think about something in the same way WS need to (should, etc).

My mind goes to them being so happy, in the house that we picked out.

One of the Cheater's Handbook commonalities is believing that the AP is a good person, right? And to every BS, they are like, "WTF? All evidence to the contrary!" Because look at what APs do!

As the fog (fairy tale, self-delusion, whatever) fades into reality, the WS slowly starts to see past the fantasy and into the truth. "What kind of horrible person cheats, lies, deceives, pretends, hurts others...willingly? These are not good qualities." And the realization that 'good people' don't do these things (yes, that includes our shitty selves) really starts to become apparent. So the AP as a 'good person' is and always was just pretend. APs actually have huge character flaws, but the WS--because of whatever is going on in our messed up world--simply do not want to see it. We have too much invested in the fantasy.

So to you...you picked out a house together???? And he moved AP into that house???? And...

We were trying for a baby the night before he left me.

Seriously, a good person does NOT do this to someone! You can't see it because you had so much invested, so many dreams that relied on a partner, any good partner. You are grieving the loss of a partner, of course! That hurts badly. But THIS one??? Just no. He was NOT good. He was never going to be good. He was always a selfish partner.

1. He strung you along for three years on a baby and on eventual marriage. He knew your dreams but didn't care and made you wait, wait, wait.

2. He looked at houses with you. He picked one out, knowing he was in an A! And shared it with another woman like we are Barbie dolls in a Dream House--just interchangeable and without our own feelings and wants. Yuck. As a woman, I would hate to know another woman had input on our (my!) home.

3. He had commitment issues? I'll say! So he shouldn't have made promises he couldn't keep. You wasted three years on a guy who was always playing you. He obviously talks a good game but zero follow through. Selfish.

4. He called you in May and said he missed you! After what he DID to you, to your dreams? Who cares how HE felt! Actions not words. Why was he not going NC with this OW and showing real action??? Because he just wanted to keep his options open and keep you on the back burner. Selfish, self-centered, self-focused. That's why you only got a call.

5. And he said to you or let you believe you two were trying for a baby...the night before he left?!?! I just can't. This takes the cake. This is some callous psychopathic bullshit. There is nothing romantic about doing this to you. He KNEW what was happening in his life. He lied and future faked in the most hurtful and callous way possible right up until the minute he pulled the rug out from under your life. Who DOES that to another human being?

Summertime, I know you are grieving the good times. But he was hiding his true self. He was and is NOT a good, caring, compassionate human being. I am sorry you fell for him and didn't see it, but at least you found out before things really got complicated. His AP will get the same version. She'll see his true colors eventually. Mr. Non-commital? He's having a baby with her but not marrying her, right? He will leave. Like he always does.

I am sorry. You didn't deserve this selfish jerk. Even if he came crawling back, you need to see that this guy is not a good person. Never was.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:12 AM, Wednesday, July 27th]

Wanted to tell you that I have a work friend who is a pretty big jerk. He struggles to get along with people. We are not close because that would be a waste of my energy, but we have stayed on friendly terms for 20 years.

So he had a girlfriend of many years. They lived together (in HIS house), but she wanted marriage and a baby. He kept putting her off. Did they have good times? I'm sure. They travel a lot and stuff, but she wanted to settle down. So they finally break up and she moves out. (I was secretly proud of her.) After about four months, he misses her and they get back together. They get engaged soon after (that was the get-back-together agreement), and then they plan a big wedding. By the time they marry, he is 42 and she is 38. They start trying for a baby; no luck. She is now 42. The window is closing. He doesn't seem all that disappointed and doesn't want to adopt. She is, of course, crushed.

Why am I telling you this? Because he has always been a selfish jerk! He KNEW her hopes and dreams, yet he dragged his feet forever. He has always been far more into his own wants and needs than anyone else's, but she stuck with him. Sunk cost fallacy. She probably believed she was too old to find a new relationship. Will he cheat? Does he have commitment issues? Will they eventually D? All of those things are likely with him. He was never a good bet, but I guess she didn't want to see it. It's biting her in the behind now, and I feel so badly for her. She's adorable and super sweet.

Your ex is/was not a good catch. This is who he is. You are better off without him.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:26 AM, Wednesday, July 27th]

Summertime,
I don’t have much to add that others haven’t already said but I just wanted to chime in to say I’m right here with you and sending you huge hugs.
I wish I could wake up and realise this was all a bad dream. I just hold onto the words of others who have been where we are and try to remind myself that life will get easier. We just have to hold on.
We can do this, my friend.

Your ex is/was not a good catch. This is who he is. You are better off without him.

GREAT advice !! My XWH cheated on me just THREE MONTHS into our M . I was so IN LOVE with him and all I knew was that I NEEDED him in my life !! I did that "pick me dance" like a PRO...and I WON...he came back to me!! Only...almost 2 years later...AFTER we had a baby...I caught him AGAIN with a different adultery co-conspirator . He left me for her too.

Looking BACK...I see his leaving as a BLESSING . To say my life was ROUGH back then is an understatement. But I survived it and have become stronger because of it . I now have the hindsight of over 35 YEARS of that time behind me. I can honestly say that my XWH has NEVER changed. My sister bumped into him several years ago. He is now remarried...after leaving ANOTHER woman who had a baby for him too . He told my sister that he WISHED I still wanted him...he would come back to me in a heartbeat. YES...the JERK is MARRIED...and saying crap like that !!!

YOU deserve so much MORE than what someone like him will ever be able to offer you . Here's to you and your FABULOUS future !!!

Summertime,

The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover. I know you feel awful. I kow you question everything in your M. I'm also pretty confident that you're on your healing path, and I think that being open to the pain now will allow you to find yourself healed closer to 2 years than 5.

Being betrayed is traumatic. Betrayal brings immense pain. As painful as it is, IMO feeling the pain allows quicker healing than pretending you don't feel it or stuffing it.

Life will get better for you.

(((Summertime))) - a hug if you want one

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:18 PM, Thursday, July 28th]

Hi Summertime22,

Children are a blessing and they are most precious to us. I am so grateful for you that you didnt have a child with him. If you did and he cheated on you then this would have devastated you for sure and probably worse. Not only would he have affected your life but also your childs life. There are so many people on here whose chidrens lives are hugely affected by the trauma of an A. The impact can be extremely traumatic on them and be ever lasting. A traumatic childhood can lead to a negative upbringing.

I know you have said that you cant have children because of your age. You shouldnt let that stop you from looking at other alternatives.I said before that maybe you could try ivf or even adoption or having a surrogate to have a baby with a donated sperm. Or if you found someone else in the future maybe this could be something you talk about. You could even try fostering if you wanted or adopting a child from abroad who has escaped a war country. Ofcourse things like this can be expensive but maybe you could start putting a little money aside each month to make your dream come true. I got pregnant after a decade with help.

I understand that you wanted it with the man you loved but unfortunately he was a selfish prick who only thought about himself like most ws do. Unfortunately his consequence is he got AP pregnant. He does not love her. He is not happy with her. She is just a 'hoe-bag' who kind of trapped him now. Mind my language. Im just quoting some of the other wonderful people on here.
Have faith.

You are still only 7 months out. I remember at 7 months I was at the anger stage. This is not a good stage. Lets just say I became a totally dfferent person then who I was. I couldnt recognise the person I became. This phase will pass. You will move on and you will accept what has happened. He did not think or care about you at the time of A. None of them do. All they think about at that time is how to get that 'quick fix', that bit of satisfaction that they (most) come to regret months later.

Its great that you're keeping yourself. That truly is the way. I remember I stopped going to work and I wanted to quit work and I was really close to just walking out of work. Im glad I didnt. Fortunately my senior manager went through a similar situation and she didnt let me quit. She told me work will get me through it and keep my mind occupied and busy. She was right. I was standing in front of 30 children teaching and truthfully it made me feel better. They kept me busy and we had a laugh. I did break down after every lesson but I spoke to my therapist and friends and they got me through.

You're not alone. Be kind to yourself. Be strong because you are. You will get through. There truly is light at the other end of the tunnel. Keep posting and keep updating us how you're doing. Before you know it. Years will pass. Trust me. Time does heal wounds (Not completely ofcourse). The experience will always remain but you will be stronger!

Oh my goodness everyone for your support and advice. I really appreciate it so much. I can’t really talk to my family and friends anymore- they just want me to be over it as it’s been 7 months now and they are all so angry at what he did.

Annb
Thank you for your empathy, it does feel like I was stabbed in the back repeatedly by someone I loved and trusted.

Owing it Now
Thank you so much for the care and time you took with all your advice. I am starting to realise that he wasn’t a good man, I’ve been identifying in IC that what he has done to me is emotional abuse. And it helps to think that not everything will be perfect their end- he won’t change.

Want to be Happy Again and 1st Wife
Thank you for your positive words that I can be happy again, you have given me hope. I agree that the pregnancy may not have been planned. As he is such a commitment phobic.

Elliekmas
Thank you, I know that he won’t change and will be taking his commitment issues into his new relationship with the AP. Something tel me also that their relationship won’t be sunshine and rainbows too.

I hope I didn’t miss anymore out but I just wanted to thank you.

I’ve been doing some research on trauma bonds and narcissistic traits and I think some of that happened in my relationship- although it was very subtle. The brutal way he ended things is what I keep reminding myself of. And the push-pull behaviour afterwards over the last few months.

It’s tiring going through the daily emotions but I do feel like I’m making some progress. I’m starting to see how cruel he has been.

I really hope that karma comes around!

I forgot to add Mumabear 1978

Thank you for your support. Sending you a hug to my friend. We will get through this. X

Charity 411, sisoon and liyla. Thank you too. I really appreciate you support too. It helps so much to know that I am not alone in how I am feeling. Thank you. X

This might not be what you want to hear right now but I think you have the love in you to do this. Contact your local child protective service agency and ask them what to do about fostering children. There are so many kids in the United States, something like 200,000, who are just wasting away in foster care. Many of them are available for adoption. The one thing you will find if you decide to do something like this is that there is nothing better than helping a child make a good life for themselves