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3 weeks ago my wife of 10 years sat down and gave me the I love you but don't love you speech. She said she needs time for herself to find out if she still loves me or not. If not, she will have to ask me to leave the house, I worked hard on changing but then on one of her late days at work, I texted her and asked if she was going to be home late. She said yes, she is going to stay in office late. I told her that I was going to bring the kids (6,5,5) to say high. She immediately said she will come home now. When she got home, I questioned her why did she want to come early, she just looked down and didn't say anything.

This weekend, she left her phone at home and oversaw one facebook IM saying from a guy saying "no honey, I haven't gotten to review the documents yet, I will get to it when I get a 10 minute break"

She came home and I rushed out the door so I wouldn't say anything bad. I came back in and I told her apologize for running but I just received devastating news. She just kept asking what is it, what is it. I said I will tell her in time. She then said I need to move out of the house because it is stressful with me being there> I just told her no, I am going to fight for the marriage and the kids to the very end. She told me, but my heart closed, I have to leave to give her a chance to see if it will open again. I said I will give her more space.

I know this is limited info, but does this sound like she has another guy already?

[This message edited by Vonbock at 10:07 PM, August 16th (Sunday)]

Yes it sounds like she has another guy.

I got the ILYBNILWY (I love you but not in love with you) speech too. Right after the other woman came to light. Usually betrayed spouses hear that after there is an affair that has developed.

She wants to separate b/c she wants to see where the relationship w/ the new guy is going. She wants the freedom to “date” without feeling like she’s cheating.

Typical cheater behavior by the way.

You can try to get proof of the affair via texts or apps. You can check your phone records to see if she’s texting one unfamiliar number often or calling an unrecognized number often.

You can GPS her car or use an app to locate her phone.

Check Facebook for private messages. Or other social media for contact with unknown men.

But her suddenly appearing at home after saying she’d be late is a huge red flag 🚩 (experienced betrayed spouses will agree).

I hope this helps you. You may need to confront her but you may need some proof first.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:23 PM, August 16th (Sunday)]

Sorry brother, don’t leave. This could be perceived as abandonment. If she wants space, she moves out. Once you are out she will take her A to the next level. Go dark, record every thing. Check your phone records for over consistent numbers. She is minimal in a EA. Check and verify everything. Look at closing off mutual accounts so she doesn’t empty them out. Not being mean but get tested for STDs and STIs if she kissed her honey at work she could have picked up a virus. Check wth a legal practitioner in your location. You need to know your rights and her responsibilities. She just can’t ask you to leave and make you pay everything. Talk to your children, start the 180, deep research into her co worker honey. There is a lot of red flags. If you tell her your assumptions they will just take the A underground until you are out of the house. Then ‘Oh look I met someone whilst you were out’.

One day at a time

Buffer

Hey Vonbock, sorry you're here, but this is the best place you could be under the circumstances. Please be sure to check out the Healing Library on the lefthand side of the page, read the articles and the BS FAQ especially.

I know this is limited info, but does this sound like she has another guy already?

From what you've shared so far, yes.

The1stWife is giving you good advice. If you haven't already, check the phone records. That will likely give you an answer. The other advice is all on point as well.

And yeah, to me the biggest red flag of all is the "I love you but not in love with you" speech combined with the need for "time to herself." I'd say the chance of someone in a 10-year marriage having the guts to say/do these things without another person in the pipeline is about 0.1%. It really just doesn't happen.

Combine that with the facebook message you saw, and things aren't looking good. I'm sorry.

She told me, but my heart closed, I have to leave to give her a chance to see if it will open again. I said I will give her more space.

These are the words of someone who has a boyfriend and wants to explore with that boyfriend.

If you leave to "give her space," the story will become that she met him/slept with him appropriately when you were on a break. Sorry again.

She came home and I rushed out the door so I wouldn't say anything bad.

So does she still not know that you saw that message? If not, don't tell her yet. No reason to.

Check the phone records. Think about what other evidence you may be able to gather, then check back in here.

Question because it's not clear to me: have you now moved out? What's going on at home right now, today?

Yes, it sounds like she has a guy. Or is at least grooming one.

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

Contact an attorney tomorrow. Your wife has gone rogue. She does not have you or your kids' interests in mind. She is thinking only about herself.

Protect yourself and your kids.

Tell her you know she has another man in her life. She must IMMEDIATELY choose either you or him. If she hesitates at all, tell her you will file tomorrow. AND THEN YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH.

Do not beg or plead. Read up on the 180 in our Healing Library (yellow box, upper left of this page) and implement it.

Keep in any evidence you can gather in a safe place.

You must act quickly and decisively.

Sorry you've found us.

I want to ad that if your wife is having an affair, whether it is emotional or physical or both, she will become an alien to you.

She will not be the person you’ve been married to for 10 years.

I say that to warn you now. It is shocking to see. She’s already displayed behavior that is questionable.

Things you may see:

She starts paying attention to her weight, hair, clothes and make-up. Does she dress better for work now? That’s a clue.

She starts stating “late” at work

She disappears in you - simple errands take hours longer than necessary

She’s going out more frequently with the girls or friends (and you are not welcome)

She’s very attached to her phone - and is on it excessively

During my H’s affair he became someone I didn’t recognize. Mean and argumentative. Short tempered. We argued more. He was unhappy to come home and he either me as he wound rather be with the other woman (OW).

The affair can become like an addiction. And you know how hard it is to reason with an addict or deny them their “fix”. The affair could be her fix and she may not want to give up her affair. It’s an ego boost for her. It’s exciting and new.

Just trying to prepare you for done things you may face. If you’re not caught off-guard you can better handle the situation.

Do not leave your home. Legally it could be a mistake. You stay put. No matter what. She could get nasty and try to force you to leave. Don’t allow it. You will regret it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:19 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

Also if you want to test the waters ask to borrow her phone. Tell her yours is dead and you need to make a call.

Watch her reaction.

If she refuses to give you her phone immediately then there is something on it she doesn’t waNt you to see. And that’s the first sign of an affair. Hiding of the phone.

Repeating the advice already given...DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.

It seems she has been planning her exit strategy and plans to keep the home and more. Please see an attorney ASAP to protect yourself.

Over the last 3 weeks, on days she comes home late, she dresses up sexy. She speaks on cellphone using headset til 1 am every other day.

When I come in room, she stops talking.

I did confront her once when she was speaking on the phone at 1 am, who are you talking too? She said just talking. I asked her has she found anyone else, if so let me know and we can talk. She said no she hasn't found anyone else because she wants to be on her own and only reason she is on the phone is because of me.

I am still in the house. I told her I want to stay to rescue the family until the very end as my excuse.

Am I the backup plan in case the affair guy doens't turn out right?

Just to add one more thing to the The1stWife's list of common cheater behaviours. She could become overly critical of you or argumentative, blowing the littlest things out of proportion. It's a sneaky blameshifting mechanism whereby she justifies her cheating behaviours to herself while blaming the deteriorating atmosphere at home on you. Don't let it get to you and try not to engage. It will only worsen your already precarious mental state.

what is sad is I am taking care of the children while she is out late after work We have 2 special needs children , instead of staying home and raising children,she is going out and having affair during the daytime.

I didn't tell her the message that I saw. I told her I got grave news, life changing news, and she kept asking what is it, what is it? I told her I will tell her in time

What is sad is I am taking care of the children while she is out late after work We have 2 special needs children , instead of staying home and raising children,she is going out and having affair during the daytime.

Am I the backup plan in case the affair guy doens't turn out right?

You've become her "logistics support" of sorts. A similar thing happened to me, I took care of the household chores, shopping, bills and our pets, while my ex-partner was free to explore her hobbies, extracurricular activities and rediscovered social life.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 12:48 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

I'm very sorry you're here, brother.

I don't have time for much right now, and others will follow behind me saying everything else I wanted to say.

I had to make time for you to tell you one thing...

You are right... she's cheating. Now stop telling her you will be fighting for your marriage. One thing you need to realize is WWs change BIG TIME once they've crossed that line into giving themselves emotionally and physically to another man. They have to make you out to be lesser than you are; a joke, even.

When you told her you were going to fight for your family, as soon as you walked away she told her lover something along the lines of you being desperate and pathetic and you only care now that you feel her slipping away. Don't tell her ANYTHING like that right now. Don't beg or cry or plead. WWs perceive that as weak.

She has rewritten your marital history into a bunch of bullshit to try to justify to herself why it's ok for her to cheat.

Look up the 180 and implement it ASAFP.

I was just using the line that I was going to fight for the marriage as excuse to stay in the house. She accepted that excuse as me not leaving. I did this to buy more time to think about things.

SHe always uses "for the kids".

[This message edited by Vonbock at 1:53 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

You've become her "logistics support" of sorts. A similar thing happened to me, I took care of the household chores, shopping, bills and our pets, while my ex-partner was free to explore her hobbies, extracurricular activities and rediscovered social life.

You think that was her plan for me? I become desperate to win her back. She says move out to give her time to feel if she misses me. I continue paying the bills, stop by to take care of the children, while she goes on her affair? If guy fails and she has no one else, then invite me back and I am excited that I won her back. She must think I am really stupid right now.

You think that was her plan for me?

Sounds horrible, doesn't it? But remember that as a non-cheater, you'll probably never understand a cheater's twisted logic. Your brain isn't wired that way.

I become desperate to win her back.

Whatever you do, try not to appear desperate. This will diminish your value in her eyes and further alienate her.

Von,

You move out, he moves into her pants.

It is that simple.

Buffer

A WS that asks for separation just wants to have the freedom to have a fuckfest with their AP.

F. THAT.

Sorry dude but the ILYBNILWY chat and “I need space or time to see how I feel” are exactly the words, word for word, that I got. Anything else unusual going on? Spending time on appearance, working out, taking phone to bathroom, no eye contact, distant? Major red flags 🚩