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Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 8:54 PM on Monday, August 17th, 2020
the message I saw was "No Honey, I haben't been able to review the documents yet. I will try during my 10 minute break"
DO you all think she is preparing divorce papers at this stage?
Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 9:02 PM on Monday, August 17th, 2020
if you have to wonder and ask questions like these, you know in the bottom of your heart the answers to these questions. talk to a lawyer ASAP and confront if I were u. these suspicions will just eat you alive inside.
Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, August 17th, 2020
Even if it divorce papers, I wonder if she realizes that if it could take 2 months at the earliest before it gets finalized. She will have to keep sneaking around wit the other guy for 2 months.
Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 9:23 PM on Monday, August 17th, 2020
"...She will have to keep sneaking around wit the other guy for 2 months."
She's doing it right in front of your face now. So why would it be a problem for her to continue another few weeks? Just sayin'.
Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 9:25 PM on Monday, August 17th, 2020
Even if it divorce papers, I wonder if she realizes that if it could take 2 months at the earliest before it gets finalized. She will have to keep sneaking around wit the other guy for 2 months.
why does it even matter ? why don't you just file first ? typically the one who files has more control of the process, plus if there's even a chance to R she knows you won't just simply wait on her, that there won't be any safety net for that "monkey branch" and if it "snaps" she would hit the ground and suffer the consequences.
Call a couple of D attorneys and make an appointment (some may do the 1st consult for free).
Get a PI and a couple of VARs if you want solid proof for leverage and/or closure and want to stay ahead of the game and should you eventually consider R at least you would know what you would be reconciling with if it ever comes to that.
HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, August 17th, 2020
Von, the affair won't get you more in TX. I say, go ahead and file. She may be preparing divorce papers, but if she does, you get to put her on the stand first. Remember that. The person who files gets to put up their documents and goes on the stand first.
Now, if you don't have much to fight over, just get it done and over with. With the kids, just don't move out. Tell her she should move out, and she can go see her affair partner. You can try to guilt her, but you should not move out.
heartbrokeninNC ( member #72472) posted at 11:18 PM on Monday, August 17th, 2020
Now, if you don't have much to fight over, just get it done and over with. With the kids, just don't move out. Tell her she should move out, and she can go see her affair partner. You can try to guilt her, but you should not move out.
Doing this with STBXWW now and will be free of her in 4 days. Once you get the ball rolling it goes pretty quickly. Consult with an attorney now while you are getting everything ready. Know your rights!!
M-20 T-21DDay: 12/24/2019Separated: 8/22/2020D: 10/11/2021
Me: 52
"Always fear regret more than failure." - Author Unknown
It's time for another name!
steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:02 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
It sounds to me like you have a plan, Vonbock, as long as you aren't deceiving yourself. Get everything lined up (very quickly) and then drop the hammer. I still suggest you get a PI. If she's preparing D documents file before her. Act fast.
BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 2:49 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:07 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]
Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 3:36 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
Does it really matter who files 1st. Is there a significant advantage?
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:53 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
Does it really matter who files 1st. Is there a significant advantage?
Yes, you file first you have an edge on controlling some of process and/or stopping it, also if R is still a possibility even if remotely, by filing first you demonstrate you mean business and that you won't be plan B and just sit and wait on her, making the decision and its consequences very real for her, often times that coupled with full exposure is enough for the WS to dump the AP and come crawling back and even if R is not ultimately what you want, the shock and awe of D papers and exposure throws a wrench on the WS's plans and gets you in the driver's seat of the whole situation, you would then be negotiating/dealing with her from a position of strength and with your integrity intact as opposed to just reacting to whatever she does, she won't be able to change the narrative and say SHE left you because of XYZ..., you would have the control and be able to say instead that YOU left her because she cheated on you with POSOM, all this among other benefits.
[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:57 PM, August 17th (Monday)]
Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 4:58 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
Not that I want her back. But the 1st week this all started she said she loved me doesn't love me anymore. I went crazy, even googled those websites on how to win your wife back. DO those really work>?
Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 4:58 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
Not that I want her back. But the 1st week this all started she said she loved me doesn't love me anymore. I went crazy, even googled those websites on how to win your wife back. DO those really work>?
Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 6:00 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
I shouldn't think so. All those "win your ex strategies" are simply marketing ploys advertising coaching services and the like. The most common mistake that many people make (I've made it myself, I admit) is thinking that you can "win back" someone who wants to leave you. It only prolongs your anguish and makes you lose your self-respect.
What could happen in some cases, is that they may want to get back with you of their own accord and if you still want them and if certain criteria are met (and that's a big IF), you can allow them to win YOU back. It's obviously an oversimplification because a successful R proces takes work from both sides, but let's leave it at that.
Folks on this forum can help you regain your footing, self-respect and value and either guide you through the separation and healing process or help you become a good candidate for R if that's what you want to happen one day.
Dyokemm ( member #40254) posted at 6:13 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
VonBock,
If I understand your situation correctly......you have NOT confronted your WW with the evidence she has an OM.
But she DOES know you were upset about getting some terrible news, but also that you did not disclose to her what it was.
Given that, I think her wearing the sexy lingerie might be a sneaky way for her to test whether you may be on to her.....to see If THAT is what you were upset about.
To briefly explain my reasoning......
In the past, if you would react And show interest if she wore something sexy like that, and now you are essentially ignoring her.....
Well if I were her, I would interpret that simple fact as evidence that you might know about the OM.
Why would someone who has always shown desire in the past when she flaunts her stuff suddenly have no interest in pursuing her?
My first thought in her shoes would be that the lack of interest was disgust because you are aware she is cheating.
IMO it is entirely possible she was running her own subtle recon to see your reaction to better judge if you might be on to her adultery.
This is especially likely if she is highly intelligent (something you haven’t really discussed).
I know I have often watched people for their body language and reaction in situations when I am not exactly sure what they are thinking or planning......especially when they encounter an unexpected scenario that would be likely to trigger a reaction.
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 6:42 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
I went crazy, even googled those websites on how to win your wife back. DO those really work>?
All I can tell you is that when it comes to infidelity which seems to be your case, and if there's a chance to R, you have come to the right place, take a look at your member number 75,204. The collective wisdom of SI could help you navigate through this difficult situation, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script and we've seen it play out THOUSANDS of times, however you have to be willing to heed the advice, but it's ultimately your life and your decision.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 6:55 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
Well she certainly is manipulative. The sexy lingerie Routine is just pathetic.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
squid ( member #57624) posted at 6:56 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
You want to really test the waters and shake her tree?
Tell her this:
Mrs. VonBock,
It appears to me that you have invited another man into our marriage. I am not okay with this.
You are free to be with whomever you choose. But if you continue to pursue this relationship outside of our marriage then you must do so no longer as my wife.
Any requests from you for “space” or “time” is simply energy not spent on our marriage. So I must conclude that it is time spent with your other man. This is unacceptable.
Since you have decided to change the terms of our marriage, I must take it as my responsibility to end it.
And then hand her the divorce papers. Seriously, if that doesn't change her tune, then there is nothing left of your marriage to save.
You can always call off the D if she somehow "sees the light". But that is so rare, like unicorn rare.
All of this prancing around in lingerie is just her trying to manipulate you.
You need to get it out of your head that you think you know her. She is showing you who she really is. Believe her. Any attempt to get you to believe she is the person you thought you knew is just smoke and mirrors.
I will say it again, DO NOT BEG OR PLEAD. Don't even say you will fight for your marriage.
Just tell her you know and that unless she can prove otherwise you are going to file.
Talk to an attorney TODAY and fill out the paperwork.
BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18
This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.
Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 9:43 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
IMO it is entirely possible she was running her own subtle recon to see your reaction to better judge if you might be on to her adultery.
Or she's buying time before she throws the D bomb herself, the very same way Vonbock is doing, just using different sources of consult and support network (her AP or/and her friends).
Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 9:57 AM on Tuesday, August 18th, 2020
Dude,
Keep up the 180; for now. Go silent, check everything. Maybe a impromptu visit to her workplace with the children un announced when she is working back.
Trying to seduce you, she must be thinking you are onto her plan to use you as plan B.
Have her served at work.
One day at a time.
Buffer
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