SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Vonbock, the ILYBINILWY is word for word, verbatim, of what so many of us also heard. It is a definite sign of adultery. I also got "I don't love you and I don't think I ever did".

My XWW also said that she needs to get her own place to figure out if she loves me or not. What that meant is that she wants to test drive the new model to see if she likes it better than the old one. Yes, plan B.

As others have said, all of the things you've mentioned are signs that she's committing adultery. Singly they might not mean much but collectively they are huge red flags and glaring neon signs.

As you've indicated, you aren't moving out. Don't. You've given the reason of doing everything to save your marriage. Stick to it. See a lawyer. Find out your rights.

I would suggest a PI. I was going to hire one but decided not to because if I was wrong and she found out it would probably ruin my marriage. I was concerned about ruining my marriage while she was fucking her COW AP. There was little evidence, only circumstantial, and her adultery continued for 3 more years. Don't be me.

ILYBNILWY (I love you but not in love with you) means that she is having an a affair with someone (most likely the guys you saw in the email) that is what this line exactly means!

She wants space so she can test drive the affair partner (AP), if things work with him you will be completely throwing out and dumped, if it doesn't, your back in the picture to continue your role as a provider and child caretaker,(yes you are Plan B, the backup plan).

What she is doing is called Monkey Branching. doesn't dump you until she is sure she got the other guy ready for a long term relationship (aka marriage material)!

You need to plan for you next move, and plan it well (very well) to protect your self, your dignity and pride.

First thing I would recommend what steadychevy wrote:

I would suggest a PI. I was going to hire one but decided not to because if I was wrong and she found out it would probably ruin my marriage. I was concerned about ruining my marriage while she was fucking her COW AP. There was little evidence, only circumstantial, and her adultery continued for 3 more years. Don't be me.

I would contact a lawyer, most lawyers will give you free consultation sessions, check two or three, you don't need to file for divorce, you just need information, you need to know your rights, how are things well look like if you or she decide to go through the divorce route.

Do your homework and be prepared, try to get information about this guy (PI work), have an action plan ready, don't show your hand, act like a chump in front of her and that you believe every thing she says to lower her guard, don't wait until she gets her ducks in a row and screw you over, show her you mean business when you drop the bombshell on her (after having every thing ready and planned)!

It's going to be tough and hard, it will be heartbreaking, but you will get through this, and you will feel much better about your self and self worth when you don't allow anyone to disrespect you and treat you like a chump!

And don't ever leave your home, this is your home, show her strength, don't let her call the shots!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 7:03 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

Why on earth would you need an excuse to stay in your own domicile? Just tell her if she wants space to leave. And, start documenting all the time she is out with you having to take care of the kids.

Vonbock, don't move out (I think you got that message already), do some research on your rights and the laws and/or get a lawyer. Laws on separation and divorce are different in each state. You need to know your state's laws.

You may need to prove she's having an affair. So don't tell her anything that will make her destroy evidence. Don't tell her what you suspect. Don't let her know you're seeing a lawyer or looking up the laws.

Don't believe a word she says, but let her believe you do. Look through the stories here on the site, it will open your eyes.

Hold your "fire" for when you drop the bombshell - when you've got all the legal information and backup you need, and can present a plan for whatever you want to do: reconciliation, separation, divorce - a plan that does not let her get off the hook for responsibility.

Vonbock, you've gotten some great advice here. I know it must all be so overwhelming.

You have options right now. Steps that you can take and things that you can do.

I think you should start by looking at all the advice people have given you and asking questions here or getting clarity about it.

For example, what do you think about hiring a PI?

Getting a VAR?

Checking the phone records?

Maybe the simplest but most important: stopping for the moment telling her you love her or that you're fighting for her?

These things are just a start. Until you gain some control of your situation, this madness is going to continue just as it is. But there are little things that you can start doing immediately to make today much better than it was yesterday.

Question: does your wife work in an environment where it would be very inappropriate or even grounds for firing if she was having a relationship with a coworker?

Vonbock it seems like wayward wives fall into three categories:

1) The one-night-stand WW who makes the poor decision to cheat on her husband once, then spends the rest of her days trying to hide it;

2) The serial cheating WW (like mine) who has no intention of ever leaving her husband, but who likes to engage in affairs on the side;

3) Then there is the monkey-brancher WW, like yours, who is planning to leave her husband but will lie to him to get him to stay married but move out so she can pursue her affair. She will not officially divorce her husband until she has the new man bagged and tagged. This is what is happening to you.

Sometimes these monkey-branchers are also exit-affair WW's who plan for years to leave their husband and have several affairs until they find the one sucker who will take them in once they ditch their hubby. Such a woman lacks the courage to just divorce her husband after losing respect and love for him, but she keeps the happy marriage ruse going so that the husband can continue to support them and the children until she has a man ready to marry her.

My recommendation to you is to hire a P.I. if you are able to do so. They are not quite as expensive as you would think, and a good P.I. can get you excellent results in just a week or so. My P.I. was able to dig up twelve OMs over the last four years, and with that info I was able to confront my WW with irrefutable evidence of her misdeeds. With that evidence I was able to secure an equitable divorce agreement from her.

A P.I. will run a couple grand, but it will be the best money you have ever spent, and may just save you from a financial hosing down the line.

P.S. I would add that if you do find out that your WW is seeing a work colleague, do not expose to her employer. She needs to keep her job so that, in the event you are forced to pay alimony, you won't have to pay nearly as much as if she were unemployed.

There will be many here who will try to persuade you to notify her work if this is indeed the case, but I advise against it. Your financial future is more important than petty revenge. So play it smart.

DO NOT MOVE OUT.

[This message edited by Westway at 8:30 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

She’s on the phone at 1 am talking? And won’t say who she’s talking to?

Damn she carrying on the affair practically in front of you.

That’s the type of behavior I warned you about. Totally uncharacteristic behavior from the cheater.

So sorry for you.

I know. I am just playing the sad chump right now hoping to win her back so she doens't think I know what is going on. I still think she knows I know something. I am getting attorneys in order and in meantime just keep it cordial with her.

IN other worse, if she really wanted to divroce me, she would have just done it. Instead she wants to keep this going so I can take care of the house until she finds another guy right?

Instead she wants to keep this going so I can take care of the house until she finds another guy right?

She wouldn't be conscious of any of this. She wouldn't be able to tell you what she's doing, but yeah, you're in the right ballpark.

All that is happening here, I'm sad to say, is that your wife is acting out the same patterns that *all* our spouses acted out when they started having a boyfriend/girlfriend. That is it.

Your wife is currently acting and talking in the *exact* ways that a person who has a boyfriend as well as a husband acts.

I see you are back awake. What's your plan for today?

The1stWife

Damn she carrying on the affair practically in front of you.

That’s the type of behavior I warned you about. Totally uncharacteristic behavior from the cheater.

Doesn't it suggest that, even if it's not conscious, she wants to be caught cheating? To me, behaving in such an in-your-face way she's counting on a huge blow-up from Vonbock, which will add to her already rewritten marital history, make him out to be paranoid, controlling and verbally abusive and in some twisted way "absolve" her of guilt in bringing the marriage to an end. I remember my ex doing practically the same thing. I have a few choice words I could use to describe her but "moron" or "dimwit" aren't on my list.

3) Then there is the monkey-brancher WW, like yours, who is planning to leave her husband but will lie to him to get him to stay married but move out so she can pursue her affair. She will not officially divorce her husband until she has the new man bagged and tagged. This is what is happening to you.

Sometimes these monkey-branchers are also exit-affair WW's who plan for years to leave their husband and have several affairs until they find the one sucker who will take them in once they ditch their hubby. Such a woman lacks the courage to just divorce her husband after losing respect and love for him, but she keeps the happy marriage ruse going so that the husband can continue to support them and the children until she has a man ready to marry her

.

Vonbock, this is exactly what is happening with me right now. With your WW, this is more than an EA at this point and possibly has transitioned to a PA. This is probably not the first time she has attempted an A. Start getting all your ducks in a row like everyone here is stating. Consult with lawyers, multiple ones at that since this will whittle down the pool if your WW decides to pursue a D. With that being said, since you consulted with them your wife cannot due to a conflict of interest. Know your rights!! Stay in the house and since you have special needs children she will definitely come after you for abandonment if you leave. Whatever you do, don't let your WW know what you are doing as she will counter your every move. Start implementing the 180 and try as best to go no contact (NC). Document everything and have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times. Do not engage her at all!! Keep it to finances and the children or if it comes to it D.

Stop trying to win her back because she already has her mind set and is flooded with all kinds of oxytocin. Stand up for yourself and what ever happens do not do the "pick me dance". This makes you look weak and is like nuclear fuel for a wayward.

Your mission now, if you choose to accept, is to find away out from the infidelity and you will experience every emotion in the book. The emotional roller coaster is real. Good luck!!!!

*edited for grammar*

[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 9:57 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

Sceadugenga

I don’t know if her intention is to get caught or if this is an affair where she plans to end the marriage. Both seem plausible to me.

I just know from my experience my H would Skype with the OW if I was upstairs (and he was downstairs) so I wouldn’t know and not have any record of the call or email. He would email her or talk to her in his car too.

He also flaunted his affair in front of me at times. He became bolder and pushed the envelope where he could. He had plans to D me during his affair so maybe that is why he acted the way he did.

He no longer cared about me or my feelings.

VonBock’s wife also appears to be less concerned with her behavior and getting caught. It could be she plans to leave him. Or she could just be testing the waters with the new relationship and if it doesn’t work out she stays married.

All I know is she is cheating practically in front of him and the signs / red flags are there. She wouldn’t be the first person to have an affair thinking she’s leaving her H for the OM until the OM is no longer interested in a “relationship“ but was interested as long as the sex was good and there was no strings attached so to speak.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:11 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

If she wants me to leave, why couldn't she just say I want a divorce now. Rather than do all of this.

SHe is still trying to cover up her phone talk by wearing a headset so I can't hear much.

so that you can be home caring for the children while she is out chasing the guy?

If she wants me to leave, why couldn't she just say I want a divorce now. Rather than do all of this.

Why doesn't a trapeze artist perform without a safety net?

I think you are her safety net for in-case things don't pan out with the OM.

I'm sorry you are here and in such pain. Strength to you.

If she wants me to leave, why couldn't she just say I want a divorce now. Rather than do all of this.

She probably has a lot of reasons for this but number one is likely that she wants you to be the bad guy. She wants to be able to tell your friends and family "Vonbock left me. He left the kids" and make it on you. Then she can bring the OM out as someone that is helping her get through this. You really need to wake up to the reality here and stop trying to win this woman back. You need to get a bit angry here, stay in control but find your anger. She is destroying your life.

As others have said, do not leave your home. She can leave if she wants. It sounds like from the message you read that the OM is a co-worker. You saw the message. Do you know the person? Have you checked to see if he is married? Contact his wife if he is married. No reason that she shouldn't join this party.

If she wants me to leave, why couldn't she just say I want a divorce now. Rather than do all of this.

Because you are what we say here, Plan "B" and she does not want the D (right now) because you are the safe partner. Take away all her options now and call her bluff. She doesn't think you will do anything about it and will get more brazen.

Consult with attorneys........NOW!!!!

You need to get a bit angry here, stay in control but find your anger.

This is what I would call "righteous anger" and you are entitled to it.

*edited for quote*

[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 10:34 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

If she wants me to leave, why couldn't she just say I want a divorce now. Rather than do all of this.

These are mental exercises that a person goes through when they are doing something that is 1) generally shunned by society and 2) against their own value systems.

Again, I think people are generally not conscious that they are acting in these ways for these reasons. They don't tell themselves "if I make it seem like Vonbock is a jealous creep, it will show my friends and family that I am justified in leaving him for AP"...it's just a natural occurrence.

If she were to just leave you tomorrow and start openly having this boyfriend at work, she would be doing something that would make her look bad to friends, family, colleagues, and her kids. She won't do that.

Still curious what your plan is for today. Are you going to check those phone records?

I can get in her phone because he locked it. SHe has business cell phone so I cannot get in records.