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Vonbock:

You’ve received excellent advice. Don’t leave the home. Read in the healing library. Read about and implement the 180 Contained in the articles in the healing library.

Why won’t your WW file for D? Let’s say her AP is married and not ready to leave his BW. Do you know who the AP is? Your WW is keeping you around just in case her A falls apart and her AP won to leave his BW or BGF. Also, I would guess she doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy or a cheater. Just a theory but it happens frequently. Try to find the OBS and notify her immediately of what’s going on. Exposure to the OBS tends to deter the A.

I only use the line, I want to fight to win her back if she tell me that she wants me to leave the house. I say calmly and not angry to make her think that I don't have any other reason to stay.

I only use the line, I want to fight to win her back if she tell me that she wants me to leave the house.

How has this worked for you in the last few weeks?

Do you think it's possible that there may be a better approach?

IT has worked so far. SHe says but you got to give me space to open up my heart again to you. I repeat I will fight to save the marriage. She accepts it each time and I stay and go back to the routine.

IT has worked so far.

Ok, but she still is continuing to "work late," text with this guy, and tell you some version of "I'm not in love with you, I need space" etc.

Consider reading about the 180 here and let us know what you think about it and whether or not you're doing/not doing some of these things:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

~

So maybe we go another way. What are her plans for today? Is she working? Planning a trip to the store? Anything like that?

Ask her to give you the phone. If she doesn’t voluntarily, there’s your answer. Who is the other suspected person? Someone from work? Find out.

OH no, my plan is get attorneys ready. Get my finances in order. MAke sure she doens't suspect anything. I just stay pleasant and say hi and help her if she needs with anything. Act if nothing wrong and cordial.

THis week my plan is to sit down and say what do you want, save marriage or end it. If she says end it, fine, I stay until divorce is finalized.

I only use the line, I want to fight to win her back if she tell me that she wants me to leave the house.

Vonbock, you need to do something because you are well on your way to rugsweeping this whole A. Trust me, you do not want that.

Do you want to live the rest of your life getting triggered by every text, phone call or "girl's night out"?

I only use that line if she asks me to leave. I am not going to say - I have every right to stay here becuase it is my legal right. I will stay until my attorney finalized everything.

I want to sugar coat it so she doens't know what I am doing.

I'm sorry about your situation Vonbock.

I'm reading and wondering why you're asking her what she wants to do. She's actively cheating with another man on you and in front of you. She's neglecting her own kids for the other man. She's using you as a babysitter so she can cheat on you.

This isn't the point in the story where you ask her what she wants. This is the point where you realize that she isn't who you thought she was, that she's broken the marriage vows and you are no longer married aside from a piece of paper with your name on it, that she can't be trusted to make any decisions that involve your future, that she needs to take care of her own children and pay for a sitter if they need to be sat with while she has sex with the other man, that there are better women and better options for you than to stay in this marriage, that your future is your choice and no-one else's, that she's done you a favor by revealing who and what she really is, and that your life will be much happier and you will be much more successful without her dragging you down.

We've all been through the emotions that you're experiencing. Many of us were also co-dependent like you are now. Realize that there is a bright future waiting for you but you are the only one who can make it happen. You do that by not revealing your intentions and getting the divorce process started now. Let her find out about the divorce when she receives the notification from your lawyer. Once she's served ask politely that she remove herself and her things from YOUR house. Then and only then will you be able to get yourself out of infidelity and begin the process of taking your life back.

This life is about you now. You are the prize. You have all of the value; she has none. Get serious and take your life back. Free yourself from this drama and begin the process of making your future self more successful than you've ever been. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Edit: I just read your last post. If after the divorce papers are served, you can leave without future financial consequences, then do that. This is one of those times in your life when you need to think solely about yourself and your future. Do what's best for you alone.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 11:28 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

help her if she needs with anything

I wouldn't even do this. Part of the 180 is making her fend for herself. It is meant to start distancing yourself from her and any new hurts.

THis week my plan is to sit down and say what do you want, save marriage or end it. If she says end it, fine, I stay until divorce is finalized.

This is fine. Why not do that today? Are you waiting to talk to a lawyer first? I have four questions:

1) What do *you* want? I mean, it's already clear that you want to fight to save your marriage. But what would that look like for you? What would you need, now that you've seen the text and gotten what you've gotten from your wife this past few weeks...if things could start going perfectly for you this week, what would that look like?

2) It's likely she'll give you the third answer: "I don't know what I want." How will you respond to that?

3) If you could write a script for how you're going to talk to your wife, what would that look like? It would probably be very helpful to your cause to run that by the people here first.

4) What is stopping you from simply saying this to your wife: "I have obtained clear and extensive evidence that you have been having an affair. I am not going to tell you anything about this evidence or how I obtained it. I am giving you one chance, right now, to come clean and discuss this with me. Otherwise, as sad as it makes me, I have no choice but to proceed with the divorce process."

I am really just curious to hear what you think about the possibility of #4 and how you think that would/wouldn't work in your situation.

[This message edited by Okokok at 11:27 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

@VonBock

I didnt find SI till many months after DDay but I feel like somehow i have travelled back in time, pre DDay, and i'm posting under the username VonBock. Reading your posts and the advice given from the other SI posters is kinda triggering for me

Trust your gut, i didn't and of course my gut was right, i now struggle to trust anything or anyone even myself

Don't be me

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 11:35 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

I didnt find SI till many months after DDay but I feel like somehow i have travelled back in time and i'm posting under the username VonBock.

I'm in the same boat Brother. I found SI after making every mistake in the book and after all the possible damage was done. Not knowing the 180, I decided to play the card of the "good old Shadow Walker" - a reliable provider, a good home-maker and a caring husband-and-father-to-be. Needless to say, it didn't bring me the success I had expected.

Don't be me either, Vonbock. I'm really rooting for you mate.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 11:42 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

I can get in her phone because he locked it. SHe has business cell phone so I cannot get in records.

This is where a P.I. is worth his/her weight in gold. P.I.s have other ways of gathering information other than phones.

I talked to family and they agree she is not worth keeping as a wife even if she crawls back crying. I am just biding my time until I get everything prepared.

Oh the "I need space" "I need to get my head on straight" "I never loved you" Good times. NOT.

I heard them all. All code for "I have a eph-buddy and you need to back off and leave us alone. you are harshing my mellow."

Sorry, I know it hurts; take care of you.

Vonblock, every time she is leaving you to take care of the kids, you should note that down on a calendar. It will help you with custody.

When you go to attorney, you get her work schedule and all the times she has you watching the kids while she's out with her boytoy. Keep that for yourself so that when you go to fight for custody of your kids, you have proof that you are the better parent.

What state or country do you live in? If you give us more info, we could help you out a bit better.

My exW said the same bullshit to me. I need space to decide. FT noise. Agree with everything that others have said. She is test driving the other guy, while keeping you as plan B. Don't be her plan B. Don't let her use you as the provider and baby sitter.

If she has to run out for a date, fuck that. Tell her you have plans last minute, make her ass stay at home. You go watch a movie, go for a run.... whatever you need. I will preface it by saying, obviously you need to take care of your kids, but don't let her put you in the baby sitter role while she is out banging this other dude.

I live in Texas

It sounds like you're ready to file, all you need is go to the bank and take half of all the money and put it in a separate account, remove her as a beneficiary of any life insurance policy, cancel all joint credit cards and head to an attorney's office, you don't need to wait for that and there's not much she can do about it even if she finds out you did it, she already told you what she wants so why ask her again ?.

If you need solid proof as leverage for better D negotiations, get a PI, a PI will get you all the info you need very quickly, especially if this is a workplace A, all the PI would need to do is follow them and take pictures and video, you will have all info about the POSOM in a very short time, they know they will be likely fired if you expose to HR so keep that in mind (don't put the threat of exposure in writing). Consult 3 of the best attorneys in town and pick the best for you (the other 2 she won't be able to use against you). You should also get a couple of VARs and put one in her car under the seat with some velcro and another one in her room (this is not admissible in court and it's just for you).