SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She owns her own eye business. I just found today that she hasn't been working there very much at all for a while. My staff called for an appointment and they told her they have very limited appointments for her. She hasn't been seeing very many patients at all and she left her billing behind for a year. She has been going out doing whatever for a while. My nanny says she has been neglecting the kids and buying lots of clothes for herself.

I am just devastated, she has been going out for a while now.

I am doing my 180 on her and she is acting nervous.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:08 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

If she is going to divorce me anyways, why the sexy lingerie stunt.

1. To try to figure out what your attitude to her is and what your plans for her and the marriage you have.

2. To throw you off the scent and lull you into believing that things aren't as bad as they are (or as bad as you think they are). It may be a crafty gaslighting ploy.

3. To add yet another aspect of the already rewritten history of your marriage in her mind. Along the lines of "My husband isn't attracted to me even if I wear sexy underwear so I'm justified in looking to have my sexual needs satisfied elsewhere".

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 5:38 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

I think it’s likely that she has guessed that you know. If you’ve said you have had awful news which you won’t talk to her about, then starting talking about saving the marriage and doing the 180 on her - she is going to guess that it’s because you know, her paranoia would make her think that with even less evidence, in this case it’s a guess that is right.

I think you need to tell her you know (don’t say how or what evidence you have) and demand a timeline of events from her and tell her you are looking at divorce options. If anyone leaves the house it should be her - do not leave it yourself.

Then go and look at what divorce looks like for you, don’t let her get a head start on you whilst you are still trying to pretend you don’t know.

I haven't told her yet.

I talked to several attorneys about the PI , they all say the same thing. They cannot guarantee that they will be able to get concrete evidence now that she knows something is suspicious. They also said that during discovery, they can subpoena cell phone logs and video from her office and find out then. We can either find out now, or find out later during the divorce proceedings.

what is bad. I know I am having the sleepless nights but for her she is sleeping nicely and no stress. Unless she is able to show a good poker face.

She is sleeping nicely and no stress. Unless she is able to show a good poker face.

Don't expect her to lose any sleep over you and your plight. By the time your potential replacement has been groomed and things start looking as bad as in your case, the cheating partner will have switched off their empathy for you a long time ago.

what is bad. I know I am having the sleepless nights but for her she is sleeping nicely and no stress. Unless she is able to show a good poker face.

Dude, pre Dday and for about 6 week post Dday my WGF became the wicked witch of the west. I remember shortly after the ILYBNILWY chat my heart was racing, i couldn't sleep at all so i took myself downstairs so as not to disturb her. a few hours later i came back up and she woke up and asked me what was wrong. i told her i couldnt and she said "i dont have time to worry about you as well"

somehow in her twisted narrative of our 24 years together i was the bad guy in this situation and if i was losing sleep it was my own damn fault and nothing to do with her

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 7:35 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

If she is going to divorce me anyways, why the sexy lingerie stunt.

She uses sex to get what she wants. She knows something is off with you and figures she can sex you back into compliance. She probably is so busy juggling new boyfriend, husband, and kids, she thinks she just needed some tempting time to move the needle.

You ignoring her is the right thing to do. It shows her you aren't going to chase her just because she flashes some skin.

On the PI -> If you aren't in an at fault state does the PI do any good?

Why would you need concrete evidence?

Asking because it determines whether it is just a waste of time because PIs take time and money. The divorce is going to take some of your money, they always do.

in terms of PI, one friend said use it for my reputation. I am a physician. most likely she is bad mouthing me to everyone. If I get concrete proof with pictures and cell phone records, I can say the divorce was because she cheated on me.

In terms of kids, she has totally neglected the kids now. She hasn't bought them any clothes or done with anything with them. SHe just keeps buying sexy clothes. It is almost like she doesn't care for them

It is almost like she doesn't care for them

She is deep in fantasy land. Hit her with the D papers now. Waywards often require harsh consequences to wake up.

Brother, you need to accept that she has moved on. I know how hard that is. Believe me. We all do.

But it will be in your best interests now to act decisively. You can ask 1000 questions as to why and you still won't understand it. The time is now to protect you and your kids.

right now I am so confused, I accept she has moved on. MY confusion now is how to end it 1st. GET PI 1st to confirm and help save my reputation and say she cheated. Then how do i go to her.

When I talked to attorney he said before serving divorce papers, he will send some type of letter 1st saying she cannot change the locks, run off with the kids, everything must be staus quo. Tehn send the divroce papers.

Some people say just tell her I know what is going on, she asks what?, then I say "you know", then tell her I will be preparing divorce papers.

I am also getting everything ready too but if I want to do the PI route, if I cancel the credits and do big obvious things then she will know something is up and she will put more of a defense and the PI won't be able to catch her.

I am also getting everything ready too but if I want to do the PI route, if I cancel the credits and do big obvious things then she will know something is up and she will put more of a defense and the PI won't be able to catch her.

If you're going the PI route do it quickly, call one TODAY and get the ball rolling, about the joint credit cards, you could tell her that you lost your wallet (devastated news) and had to cancel them and they will mail you a replacement within a week or so, or if you can take the hit you can wait until after the PI does the work (shouldn't take that long in your case). Also you can place the VARs in her car and one in the bedroom, first read the instruction and test them, make sure you mute any sounds and put black tape over any lights, with the VAR you could know even more, the PI won't be able to listen to her while she's driving or when she's at home.

This is a question for the attorney.

Your issue is that you have no concrete proof but know deep down that something is not right. Your only option is to have the divorce papers literally ready then ask her to see her phone without giving her a chance to delete anything.

If she doesn't give anything to you then you give her the divorce papers as you know what is on the phone. Even if there isn't anything on the phone (astronomically unlikely) then the fact she will not give you a phone to save the marriage tells you about all that you need to know.

You need to exit infidelity.

Therefore, whether you ultimately D or R, your action right now is pretty much the same.

Take control, show zero tolerance for her behavior, blow up her world and use it to negotiate a favorable settlement.

1 - Get the evidence you want by using a PI. They have very sophisticated methods/equipment and can retrieve texts, listen to conversations in a restaurant, get credit card statements, and take photos in low light parking garages (e.g., kissing a lover goodbye).

If she's not going to work, then she's seeing the OM every day so it's not going to take long for a PI to gather evidence. $400-500 per day ...maybe 2 days

2 - Don't warn her in advance. Have her served with divorce paperwork (then present her with the attorney's letter the same day)

3 - Affairs often die on exposure. If the OM is married, notify his wife the same day you serve her with divorce paperwork. His wife deserves to know.

in terms of PI, one friend said use it for my reputation. I am a physician. most likely she is bad mouthing me to everyone. If I get concrete proof with pictures and cell phone records, I can say the divorce was because she cheated on me.

THIS is the most important reason, because she is going to try to gaslight you if you accuse her of cheating. She will try to tell everyone you are divorcing her because you are crazy and think she is cheating when she isn't. Proof from a PI will say otherwise.

The lawyers don't want you hiring a P.I. because they want that money.

Hi Vonbock,

Don't change any thing financial wise for now, if you do she will take it underground even more!

Hire a PI ASAP, get a VAR (voice-activated-recorder) with good memory size (16GB+) they are very cheep, Sony brand makes good ones, you need two.

One in her car (under the driver seat)

One in the bed room.

GPS Tracker in her car (they are very cheep as well)

For the VAR you need to know how to use it, the manual will tell you how, it's very easy, and you need to buy 2 very cheep $10 headphones cut them (you don't need the ear buds) and plug them into the headphone jack so if it accidentally played it will not use it's speaker, make sure you mute any sounds and put black tape over any lights.

The VAR and GPS are cheep and you can do it today, get them from Best Buy or any electronic shops.

She thinks you're a chump, and running like a headless chicken!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 2:24 PM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

After she told me this am that if I am not talking to her then I need to stay out of the master bedroom. SHe said if I have aniety or grumpy. I told her no I am not anxious

NOw she just texted me and said that she is about to buy a home to rent out to invest. Does she want to join her in the investment?