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I don't know if a PI will be able to get anything.

A PI could give you information about who the AP is. If he's a married man, he might not want to leave his wife for yours. In that case, she may well want to get back with you after some time. But at least you'll know that it's not because she's had a sudden change of heart, but rather she's settling for you as he Plan B and she may be on the lookout for another promising Plan A in the future.

If this guy has a wife and I fond out who he is, should I notify the other wife?

If this guy has a wife and I fond out who he is, should I notify the other wife?

Most people will advise you to do it, for a number of reasons:

- affairs thrive in the dark, once they're exposed, they have a tendency to die on their own

- when the other wife knows, she might go nuclear on the affair herself and your wife's AP will throw her under the bus

- the other wife might be on to something and could offer additional information - you can compare notes

- it's simply an ethical thing to do, she deserves to know and have some agency in her own life and marriage

If this guy has a wife and I fond out who he is, should I notify the other wife?

You should do it immediately, nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) plus family and close friends WITHOUT WARNING (very important).

If this guy has a wife and I fond out who he is, should I notify the other wife?

You definitely should. It is much better for her to have all the information and then she can decide on what she wants to do. I wish someone had told me.

Vonblock, if this guy has a wife, gf, life partner or significant other. That person has the right to know that their relationship has been or is at risk due to infidelity.

You don’t need her approval for this. In most cases WW will be against telling so to save the AP. They argue that one marriage is ruined why wreck another. Our relationship was poor before this. ETC.

One day at a time

Buffer

A PI will find something. PIs are better at their jobs than cheaters are. Don’t get cute with everything else though, just keep it simple and straightforward. Revenge type stuff may be gratifying at the time but if your plan is to end it then it’s really in your best interest to just cut bait.

Notifying the OBS immediately (with solid evidence) would blow up her short term plans to separate/divorce.

IMO your wife's strategy is to first separate/divorce you - and then have it appear that she met the OM afterward (and avoid being labeled an adulterer).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:04 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

My opinion is to not change the story you've put forward about shocking news. Don't give her a heads up which could give her AP a heads up.

Get your finances in order, don't agree to purchase a property with her, tell her she shouldn't either until you have your marriage straightened out but file very quickly and have her served very quickly.

Move quickly so you file first and serve her first. I think you indicated she might have been to lawyers already. I haven't read back. Don't let her beat you to the punch.

I still recommend a PI. Just because she's coming home on time doesn't mean much. My WW did nooners and quickies after work at his place and was home from work before me often.

If you determine who the AP is tell the OBS and supply the evidence. Do not reveal what you are going to do to your WW.

IMO your wife's strategy is to first separate/divorce you - and then have it appear that she met the OM afterward (and avoid being labeled an adulterer).

This appears to be entirely plausible. Move quickly.

I don't think she has a lawyer. If she has lawyer wouldnt they tell her don't do any big purchases now?

I don't think she has a lawyer. If she has lawyer wouldnt they tell her don't do any big purchases now?

They might but it doesn’t mean she is listening to them. I don’t think you can worry about her or what she is up to, I know that is hard but I tried to guess so much of what he was up to by extrapolating conclusions in that way and I was utterly wrong. You’ll know more once you serve her for divorce, everything blows up and is out in the open.

I am tying to get the financials done quickly. Filed divorce can come at any time, i just say go ahead

Questio should i hold off filing until the private investigator finishes the job?

Questio should i hold off filing until the private investigator finishes the job?

It’s best to ask your lawyer and PI that question. They will have been in this position many times and will know what’s best and what they need to be able to do their jobs.

If you file for divorce prior to the PI completing their investigation, she may destroy records/evidence that the PI needs.

Whatever evidence the PI finds may be useful in you negotiating a favorable divorce and visitation rights. It sounds like your wife does not want to be exposed as an adulterer.

I suggest you pursue both paths simultaneously.

Have the paperwork drawn up and ready to be served at a moments notice.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:13 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

"...should i hold off filing until the private investigator finishes the job?"

I'd ask the PI if they need you to delay the divorce notification. I'd also wait to notify the OBS until the PI has finished their collection activities.

I talk to PI, he said that since she is alerady suspiciuous is it going to be tough to catch, it will have to be in a few months.

HE said it is tough to get phone numbers because so many use whatsapp and facebook IM

I don't think she would wait months to meet with her AP and you certainly don't want to wait for months before you file for D, here's what you can do, get a couple of VARs, place one in her car under the seat with some velcro (play with it first and mute any beeps also cover any light with black tape), you can pick one up at Walmart/Bestbuy (much faster) or order them online, the Sony models are the most recommended here and other websites, you may want to purchase an additional SD card for extended recording time.

A couple of days after you have the VARs in place, listen to the recordings (check them daily if possible), for better results you may even get a GPS tracker or use an old phone as a GPS with an APP like "Find My" if it's an Iphone or its equivalent within Android to track her movements (check with your PI to see if you can borrow the GPS from him), then hire the PI and have her followed for a couple of days, after you hire the PI tell your attorney to go ahead and file but wait a couple of more days to have her served WITHOUT warning at her workplace, you should be able to get some evidence, then contact OBS without warning as well (make sure the VARs are always in place and activated).

Is my understanding correct that the PI estimates two months to gather evidence of an affair where she's seeing him every day (vs going to work at her optometry practice)?

If so, call another PI.

Right now you don't even know the OM's name. That information alone could be very valuable. And if she goes to his place every day (all day) for a week that information is also valuable.

You don't need information that would hold up in court. You just need to document a private/secret relationship with OM in order to discourage her from badmouthing you to your friends etc (not see them having sex).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:07 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

Have you tried the VAR approach yet Vonbock?

The affair maybe on hold outside the house but she might be continuing to contact him and call him while alone the the bedroom!

I hired a PI and continued to use him for a few more months after serving divorce papers to my ex. The PI was able to uncover some important documentation of financial infidelity. So, I got a lot more info to help in the divorce than just the sexual cheating.

Also, my ex knew I knew about his cheating, but he still ran around doing stupid things because he thinks he’s the smartest person in every room. I was dumbfounded by some of the sketchy behavior the PI found out.

I think if your PI is saying it’s going to take two months to uncover anything right now because your wife is suspicious of what you know, then you should find another PI.