SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today I am starting to feel the depression and anxiety from it. I look at her and she is dressing up sexy to gout. I thought going through divorce would cause grief. I dont see any grief in her.

You are at the point where you need to expose her affair. Get a PI if you are gonna to otherwise you have make clear to her and everyone you know, this is all happening because you know she is having an affair. At the moment, it just looks like you are unhappy and decided to divorce.

If you know who the OM is then tell his partner (if there is one) mainly because it’s kinder for her to know what her husband is doing but also because it has a chance of blowing up the affair. Right now your wife thinks she is having her cake and eating it, a divorce where she looks blameless, so she won’t be feeling any grief.

You're still "reacting" to her moves, start being proactive, if you keep wallowing in self pity and don't take action you will unnecessarily remain in limbo for a long time and suffer, heed the advise (go back and read it if necessary) and do the hard 180.

Today I am starting to feel the depression and anxiety from it. I thought going through divorce would cause grief. I dont see any grief in her.

You're not going to see any grief from her and she can feel your depression/anxiety. Stop feeding the beast!! You have to be the one to tell yourself that this is not going to be the status quo anymore and stand up for yourself.

I look at her and she is dressing up sexy to gout.

It's a respect issue and honestly, she checked out of the M long ago from the sounds of it. Again, stand up for yourself. Start taking care of yourself and do what is right by the kids. Believe me, they are watching every move you make. Do a HARD180, quit playing the pick me dance, put on the big boy pants and stop reacting to her every move. Get the PI and expose this whole A to the world because right now she is the one that is in the driver's seat whether you like it or not. YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOURSELF!!

Is it true many of these affairs, after the divorce. The AP bails out later after he has his fun and the WW comes back to the husband?

That can happen but when it gets to that point the wayward has burned so many bridges. It all depends on the BS but I'm not that masochistic. As for myself, I will never take my WW back because I value my self-worth above anything else and do not ever want to be served that shit sandwich again. Filing for separation was the best decision I made and that was after a lot of soul searching and self reflection. My WW was never remorseful and that is why I filed.

Is it true many of these affairs, after the divorce. The AP bails out later after he has his fun and the WW comes back to the husband?

Very rare, at least from my own experience and what I've seen here.

Why? Could you honestly ever trust her again? More importantly, do you think she could ever do the work on her own and by her own choice to change who she is? She's already shown herself to be entitled and lazy.

At this point has she ever shown that the only reason she might ever come back was because she only wanted you? Or would the only reason she came back was because you were just a nice safe place to land? Hint: SELFISHNESS

Think about that...

There is life after all of this. Sure, it will suck for a while. But at least you won't have your head space filled up with whether or not the person you are with is still actively stabbing you in the back.

Affairs thrive in secrecy.

Generally, exposure to friends & family (social shame) and 'reality' blows up the affair.

Affairs are founded on irresponsible, immature, and fantasy behavior.

That is why they die when exposed - because the importance of responsible, mature, and reality based behaviors (like finances, child care, and all the people/family they've hurt...)becomes extremely clear.

Initially, they don’t typically doesn’t fall in love with the other person. They’re actually “falling in love” with a fantasy they created in their head (about the other person).

In other words, the OP could be anyone. The specific OP was just available to build their fantasy around.

The cheater lies to themselves and build a false narrative that the OP is praiseworthy/special in some way and therefore meets the cheaters emotional needs in a way no one else can (e.g., understands and/ormakes them ‘feel’ like nobody else can).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:49 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

Whether you ultimately decide to R or D, your initial/current reaction is pretty much the same.

The stronger and more decisive your response the more likely you are to blow up her fantasy world and get her back (if that's what you may want).

Exposing her and showing zero tolerance for her infidelity - and actively moving to divorce has the highest probability of getting her back (now or later).

Do not cry in front of her or even hint that you'd consider taking her back (it's viewed as weakness).

She has until the divorce is final to 'earn' a second chance.

Here's my question, do you want to be "Plan B" when this doesn't work out with the OP? Start drawing up the Separation and Divorce paperwork with your attorney, this way you are not reacting to her but rather making her react to you. D takes a while and it can always be tabled *IF* your WW comes around. As for right now, she is nowhere near R material because there has not been any remorse shown. For me, that is a dealbreaker. You have to decide for yourself if you're willing to be triggered for the rest of your life and worrying about every little text/phone call.

Take back your control and be decisive with every move you make. Do not telegraph any of your intentions.

Yesterday she asks how I come I changed my mind only after a week. I gave same bs answer, that I felt I lost her already because she didn't respond to my actions. She sternly said you are selfish and immmature , you gave up on family after a week

Today, she makes me a smoothy and cuts fruit for me and acts like a family mom.

Shes got you just where she wants you. You respond to her statements, not her actions.

You have given up on your family? What about her? Did she start sleeping around for the family?

My God, man, start valuing yourself. You matter. She will say anything to manipulate you. Jump in a cold shower and wake up.

Making a smoothy is not acting like a family mom. Being a mom and wife is.

And she is neither of those things.

She will continue to harm you if you let her.

Vonbock,please listen to what we are trying to tell you here. We've all been in the same place and walked in the same shoes. Right now you are in the denial/bargaining stage and your WW knows this. She is love bombing you to keep you as a safe partner so she can come running back if this does not work with the AP. You have to be the one to decide when enough is enough but I can tell you this, it has to be based on self-worth and loving yourself.

I know what she is doing, I have to play along while I get all my ducks in order.

Now I have found there is more to it. She was planning to divorce me for other guy but in meantime milk me all she can.

She is trying to get me to invest with her LLC and buy rental homes.

Oh my gosh, this is a soap opera. Once I am cleaned out, then she will divorce me and see how other guy pans out with the children. This is not just routine cheating, this is a movie.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:03 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

I want to thank you all as my support. I am glad I found this site, other wise would have devastated.

Right now I am just playing along to allow me and attorney time to plan our strategy.

Get my financials in order.

All of a sudden she is trying to act like a good mom, dress sexy, and make me smoothies. I see the manipulation now. She is buying time to implement her next plan.

She is buying time to implement her next plan.

Her behaviour is suspiciously consistent with manipulation tactics used by highly narcissistic people. She's love-bombing you and it's certainly not a result of new-found love and affection for you.

Right now I am just playing along to allow me and attorney time to plan our strategy.

Get my financials in order.

Listen you are WASTING valuable time, tell your attorney to file IMMEDIATELY and go to the bank and take half of the money and put it in an account in your name only, then cancel all joint credit cards, if she finds out about them tell her you lost your wallet and had to cancel them but that a replacement is on the way withing 7 to 10 business days, that will give your attorney plenty of time to file the paperwork and have her served.

DO NOT WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE, the ONLY LOGICAL "STRATEGY" is to FILE for D IMMEDIATELY, you can work on the separation of assets and the procedure after you file and during the process.

divorce has been filed, just waiting for her to get served early next week.

You don't have to wait to separate finances. Cancel all joint credit cards. Open a separate checking/savings account and move at least half of whatever cash you have there.

This is not uncommon stuff. It feels insurmountable when you're in the middle of it.

Heed the advice about the VARs.