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I donít know where to put this.

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hikingout posted 10/16/2020 16:40 PM

I have been gone for a week, and here all day today. I canít pretend things are normal right now. H is having an inappropriate relationship. I donít have the energy to get into everything at the moment. I have told no one. And I didnít even want to tell you all. I didnít want to tarnish him to you all. How fucked up is that? I feel maybe more embarrassed saying this shit than anything I have ever posted as a wayward.

I had just posted something earlier where I think my resentment was showing. And I thought to myself - I should not talk about him this way. Then I got mad maybe more at myself and so now I am saying it. I have asked him not to come on for a while until I can sort myself out more. I am hitting submit before I can change my mind.

Poppy704 posted 10/16/2020 16:42 PM

Oh Hiking, I am so so very sorry. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed of. We love you and we are here for you, the way youíve been here for us.

HellFire posted 10/16/2020 16:55 PM

Oh, hiking. Im so very sorry. You know the drill. This is not your fault. Please,please know that. Take care of yourself. You don't need to make any big decisions yet.

And,please, don't worry about making him look bad. He's doing that all by himself. You post what you feel you need to post, and we will help you through this.

You are one of us. We've got you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:55 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Pippin posted 10/16/2020 16:56 PM

I am so sorry. I hope he is able to see it clearly for what it is, and use what he sees and learns as a chance to grow. And I hope that happens before it goes any further, for both your sakes and the other person. Personally I don't think it makes him look bad, it makes him fallible, and I was always a little unsure about his focus on being happy. Not as judgment but noticing a potential pitfall (I know you know you don't have to respond to that, I'm not criticizing or blaming or whatever just giving an outside view of something I noticed and stuck out in my memory)

[This message edited by Pippin at 4:59 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

JBWD posted 10/16/2020 17:27 PM

This is terrible to hear!

Your presence here is SO steadying, and I hope we can back you up as well as you face this.

Echoing Pippin that this reflects only on him as a human- None of us consistently make the right choice, and those effects on others are the stuff of struggle, strength, and progress.

Weíre here for you, HikingOut!

Thissucks5678 posted 10/16/2020 17:27 PM

Damn, I am so sorry. If you need to talk, I am here for you.

Mickie500 posted 10/16/2020 17:37 PM

Oh hiking out Iím so sorry. I want to be able to make you feel better because you always make me feel better but I donít know what to say. I will try-

I canít tell you how hurtful being betrayed is but it warps your sense of who you are as a person. Iím sure heís just trying to get a hold of himself.

RosesandThorns posted 10/16/2020 18:09 PM

After all of the work you've done to face up to your wrongs, grow, and help others on this forum, I'm especially sorry to read this. Please know that you don't deserve to be treated like that, no matter what water has gone under the bridge. As a BS, he had no excuse not to KNOW how this could happen and what consequences/pain his actions would bring.

I admire you for facing this. It can't have been easy, but you're in the right place to be heard and understood.

(edited one word due to gramatical error)

[This message edited by RosesandThorns at 2:52 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 10/16/2020 18:20 PM

You're with a bunch of us who know what it feels like. Share when you're ready. I noticed you being real earlier about what wasn't great in your marriage and I wondered. A lot of that same stuff was wrong in my first marriage. Not only the perfect people get cheated on. No, it's not right no matter what's going on in the marriage, but you know that. It isn't right for him either.

hikingout posted 10/16/2020 18:54 PM

Thanks guys. I do think I did cause this. I have said many times that if he decided to divorce me that would be on me. I think the same way here. Maybe I can process it differently. Logically I know that I am making no sense. I know what I would tell someone else, and genuinely mean it. I just donít think he would have done this if I hadnít.

Poppy704 posted 10/16/2020 19:08 PM

Hiking: Every BS could blame themselves. ďIf only Iíd been kinder, better, sexier, more loving, more forgiving, more generous, smarter... ď Every single one of them is wrong. Itís not the BS. And thatís what you are. Do not blame shift for him. You donít get to own his shit, thatís for him to do. If you take on his burden, you are robbing him of the opportunity to fix himself the way you have fixed yourself.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 7:09 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

gmc94 posted 10/16/2020 19:15 PM


hikingout posted 10/16/2020 19:18 PM

No I wonít do all that . He hesitated when I told him to fire her so I kicked him out to stay in the camper. He has texted and said he was just concerned legally. I told him when itís done we can talk. I just donít fucking want to hear about it. Spend the next year dissecting it. I really only care about what he is gonna do about it at this point.

Poppy704 posted 10/16/2020 19:24 PM

Arizona is an at will state. A lawyer will help him justify termination if she decides to sue, but itís really not hard at all. Let her collect unemployment and there wonít be much she can do about it without setting her own career path on fire simultaneously.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 7:24 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

oldtruck posted 10/16/2020 19:46 PM

you have learned boundaries.

your WH needs to learn as well.

stick to your guns and have your WH consult a lawyer.
maybe state when terminating her he will not fight her
getting unemployment and he can sweeten the pot by
offering her an extra weeks salary (run this by the lawyer)
as severance to cover the waiting period before she
receives her first UI check.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/16/2020 20:18 PM

Oh, no. Goddamn it, no.


LifeDestroyer posted 10/16/2020 20:18 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

TX1995 posted 10/16/2020 20:35 PM

HO. Iím so sorry you are going through this.

I empathize with the conflicted feelings about posting. I was so embarrassed when I posted about finding out my R was based on lies of what happened in my Hs affair.

BUT Iím glad I posted that day and Iím glad you did too. Nowhere else would you be seen and understood as you are here.

Sending support and prayers for you and TTP.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 8:37 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

pinkpggy posted 10/16/2020 20:44 PM

Iím really very very sorry to hear this. I truly think recovering from infidelity is almost impossible. There is always that crack that will never heal and that the BS canít get over. I think on the surface everything can seem ok but deep down there is hurt and resentment ready to bubble up. Regardless of your affair, you donít deserve this. You committed to building a new you and a new marriage. You definitely donít need to take the blame. If your husband cant get over it and truly heal and recover, it itís on him to get out of the marriage and do the right thing at this point.

Do you think it was false R- meaning he wasnít truly committed to it but was pretending to be or was too scared to be truthful about it?

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 8:49 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

2timesunfaithful posted 10/16/2020 23:00 PM

hikingout ,
Iím so sorry to hear this, sending prayers for you.

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