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Severe depression/suicidal thoughts

MistletoeEl posted 9/28/2020 05:54 AM

My partner of 5 years suddenly left me for someone else 3 months ago. It turns out he had an EA with her for 3 months behind my back. (In person and via text messages.) She was our co-worker and so I had to leave work because I couldnít bare to see them anymore. He was my best friend and I loved him with all my heart. I thought our relationship was good and we had so many plans for the future e.g. holidays, marriage, kids etc...He was also my first love. He was a very unique person and so friendly, confident and fun to be around. He said he no longer loved me and didnít care about me anymore. The fact he left me for someone else has made me feel so worthless, replaceable and not good enough. I just keep thinking about everything I should have done differently. He is so, so happy with her and I know she must be pretty special for him to leave everything for her. (He lived with me and so has now moved back in with his parents and given up our pets and a relationship with my family for her.) She is so pretty and funny and he seems to genuinely like her in a way he never did with me. I feel like I lost the love of my life and there is nothing I can do about it. I donít think Iím ever going to find someone better than him because our relationship was so good. I also had a good relationship with his family and friends and felt like Iíve lost them too. I am rarely ever attracted to people and he was really the only proper ďcrushĒ Iíve ever had in my life. I know that because of how picky I am/how little people I am attracted to, the chances of me finding someone are very slim. But it is my dream to have kids and a marriage and itís all Iíve ever really wanted. I feel so suicidal as I am in so much pain about the past and feel so hopeless about the future. I donít really have anything to live for and just feel so lost and broken. Any advice would be really appreciated.

Lalagirl posted 9/28/2020 06:05 AM


You have been heard.

Please call a suicide hotline...NOW.

OW is NOTHING special - she's a cheater with no morals. As soon as the "special" dies down, your WH will be off looking for the next shiny new toy. He's very broken and another woman is not the answer to his brokenness. You could have been a supermodel and he still would have cheated.

Please schedule an appointment with an IC (individual counselor) and with your PCP to give you something short-term to help you cope with this mess.

Call that hotline and keep posting...others will be along soon.

Sending strength & lots of hugs,


edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:05 AM, September 28th (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 9/28/2020 06:28 AM

Please, Mistletoe, you are worthy. You are valuable. Your family loves, values and cherishes you.

Please get into counselling immediately, if you can. Look up the suicide hotline number and keep it close at hand at all times.

You may think you had a wonderful relationship because of what you were investing in it. You may think that he suddenly left you for someone else. I suspect he was playing a role with you to keep you "captured". He isn't this wonderful shiny person you've perceived him to be. He is a common, garden variety cheater. So is she. They have low morals or integrity.

This is entirely on him. It isn't a reflection of you at all. He's a fake. You are not.

The person who invests the most in something values it the most. I think, as time passes, things may come back to you that will indicate he was more of a taker and you a giver. That he was shallow.

Please stick around here. It's the best club no one ever wanted to join. The tuition is just too high. You will find support, opinions, suggestions and guidance here.

Please see a counsellor. Please value your life. You are worth it. He is not.

Bigger posted 9/28/2020 06:39 AM

You mention in another post that you have an appointment with an IC.
Have you had that appointment?
If you are feeling really low then maybe phone the IC and get it moved forwards?
Remember Ė the IC is the person you HAVE to open up to so telling him/her about your suicidal thoughts and negativity is a requirement. Do so on the phone and chances are you will be in that office in the next hours.

Emotionalhell posted 9/28/2020 06:41 AM

You will get pa wet this. Please donít harm yourself. Get help!

Justsomeguy posted 9/28/2020 08:25 AM

I have been in that dark place as well. Unless one had experienced it, there is no way to understand. I had a plan,everything prepped, and a secondary kit set aside just in case it didn't work. I was that close. Then I got help. I talked to a friend who got me into emergency for an assessment, got meds, and started a very slow journey back.

For a year and a half, I was angry I hadn't followed through with it. The work was exhausting. Then I started to change. Wasn't a big fan of being alive, but wasn't interested in being dead either. I was just meh... Now, almost 4 years later, I have trouble remembering just how I felt. I can recall it in an academic sense, but the raw emotion is gone. I'm bit fully healed yet, but in good now. I've started to laugh again. I catch myself singing and even being slightly happy on occasion. I've determined that this is the year I find my way back. Funny, it will be year 5...

You can do this. You are not your experiences, nor are you your thoughts and emotions. You may have them, but they do not define you. Reach out and get help. Dont let the fuckers win.one day, you will look back on these times as something you went through and prevailed.

TwoDozen posted 9/28/2020 08:47 AM

@mistletoe you are not alone. I was there 9 months ago

But I reached out, I reached out to my friend and I reached out to the support lines, they are there for a reason, because there are so many people that feel like you do at some point in their lives

It is momentary and it will pass.

Please call the helpline and please reach out to a friend. I did and Iím so glad that I did.

Hugs 🤗

crazyblindsided posted 9/28/2020 12:12 PM

(((MistletoeEl))) Please do not turn this inward I know how hard it is not to. Seems like most BS's do this after D-Day. Just know it had NOTHING to do with YOU and EVERYTHING to do with HIM.

People that cheat are NOT being good people. They are being abusive and causing trauma to someone they loved and possible exposure to STD's. It takes a very broken person to do what he did. There is also nothing pretty or special about this girl he left for. It is two broken people finding each other. I mean what a way to start a relationship totally on unstable ground.

One day you will realize this asshole did you a real favor. He may have done this down the line after you were married with kids. You have a chance to find someone who doesn't leave on a whim because they like someone else.

I do understand the severe depression and suicidal thoughts. They are real and I had them too. I did attempt suicide and got the help I needed from in-patient hospitalization. No One is worth you leaving this life. You are so important to this life and to all the people who love you.

Please if you feel like these thoughts are taking over call the suicide hotline or even just check yourself into a hospital. The therapy I received from in-patient treatment was invaluable to me. It allowed me to explore healthy coping skills that I never had before. Also going on medication for my depression helped a lot.

I promise you won't always feel this way.

gmc94 posted 9/28/2020 12:13 PM

I've been there too. And my WH did make a serious suicide attempt (died, but revived).

The suicide hotline was - literally - a lifesaver for me more than once. The one thing that probably resonated more than anything else is:

You don't want to end your life, you want to end your PAIN

Just on SI alone there are THOUSANDS who have ended their pain, found a way to heal, and moved on from the infidelity to happy, productive, and HEALTHY lives. It can be hard. It can be painful. But it can happen and there is some pretty awesome light at the end of this particular tunnel.

Sceadugenga posted 9/28/2020 12:23 PM


Something that helped me (and sometimes still helps) is treating the Wayward as the enemy and each day as a small victory: "Today I'm not going to hurt myself. I won't let the bastard grind me down, they're not worth it".

Consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible and get into IC.

Inshreds posted 9/30/2020 11:46 AM

MistletoeEl are you Okay?? Please let us know how you are doing.....

routerx posted 9/30/2020 12:13 PM

If he left you after 5 years then he has freed you to meet the person who is going to spend the rest of their life with you.

Fof9303 posted 9/30/2020 14:50 PM


Call 1-800-SUICIDE now 1-800-273-8255 now! You are so important. You are special and you are loved and perfectly created in His eyes. I know it feels like you world is crashing, but trust me this pain will subside... your world will be wonderful again and you will find love again. Your life is worth everything and your family loves you. It will be okay. Call 1-800-SUICIDE. Call your mom, call your dad, call a close friend... tell them how you are feeling. You will love again.

Lalagirl posted 9/30/2020 15:46 PM

Mistletoe, can you check in with us?

MistletoeEl posted 10/1/2020 07:27 AM

Thank you so much to everyone who replied! You honestly saved my life and I am so grateful. I called the suicide hotline and went to a counsellor yesterday for the first time and am feeling a bit better. Although I am still not in a good place I am getting the help I need. Thank you everyone, I cannot tell you how grateful I am!

Sceadugenga posted 10/1/2020 08:11 AM

Great to hear from you. Hope you'll get better soon.

Lalagirl posted 10/1/2020 12:07 PM


I'm so glad you got help.

The pain will lessen with time and therapy.

Do something nice for you this weekend - you deserve it.

Thank you for checking in - we're here for you anytime!

Mene posted 10/1/2020 19:00 PM

While things may seem dark now and you are feeling low, you will find someone who will love you with all their heart and you will reciprocate. Please donít harm yourself. Keep posting here. People are here to help and many of us felt the same pain youíre going through now.

99problems posted 10/1/2020 23:30 PM

Mistletoe- I am so glad you reached out to the hotline.
I have felt quite suicidal because of infidelity- I had a shotgun in my mouth for about an hour (in 2017) and never told anyone.
But I didnt do it, because my daughter deserves to have her dad.
Now I am so glad I didn't. Every day I spend with her is a blessing and a gift.
Life IS worth living, and those cheaters aren't worth losing anything over, not even a night's sleep. You will see this in time.
You can do this. I promise.
Stay strong and get help if you need it.
We are all here for you.

Notthevictem posted 10/2/2020 00:10 AM

I felt them same way after I found out too. Antidepressants... they are made exactly for this kinda shit, ya?

It's gonna sound stupid, but some of the things that saved me from suicide was my favorite soda and a tv series I hadn't finished.

If you're gonna do it, you can always do it tomorrow, right? So, I said I'd wait until the end of the season for the tv show.

While I was waiting, I also decided to do all the shit I enjoyed as much as I wanted. Eating ice cream for dinner? Why not? Bacon on my cheeseburger please!

Give yourself something to look forward to. New season of The Expanse is coming soon, right? Ever seen that show? Read a book I've been wanting to. Ever heard of a book called The Wandering Inn? I liked it.

The waiting helped. By the time the tv show ended, I was in a much better place.

Depression... it lies. I thought I was ugly. (Fyi - sexy as hell). I had thoughts that no one cared. I know my parents loved me. Depression lies. When it does, remind yourself of the truth.

We care. You aren't alone. Only you can decide how much you're worth.

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