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3 years

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Oldwounds posted 9/3/2020 12:15 PM

I don't think he remains detached, but he doesn't feel he is responsible in any way and I think that's very healthy for a BS.

This is what I meant by his sense of detachment. He understood, faster than a number of us that your choices werenít a reflection on him. Because infidelity feels personal and is so personal, a lot of people never get as far as understanding your choices had little to do with him.

Based on your husbandís posts, they always have a sense of mindfulness. I donít know that you can drive someone to that, my guess is he was fairly centered pre-A and found his balance pretty quick, even when you hadnít figured things out for yourself.

In your case, where you found out a few years later, your wife might have been in a different place. I imagine that to be just as disorienting, but just a different experience.

It was definitely different than discovery in real time, but trying to keep it a secret and heal on her own was a lot like someone breaking a couple bones and trying to heal those without medical help. So, she had made progress in her rebuilding herself back, but she still benefited greatly from counseling.

We both believe our outcome would not have gone as well if she hadnít done some healing on her own prior to her confession. She was ready to take responsibility for her choice, and that made a great deal of difference.

And the RV stuff sounds fun, itís interesting to me how many of us like that idea or dream of it.

For now, weíre just looking at a seasonal travel get away rather than pulling up stakes completely.

Wool94 posted 9/3/2020 12:45 PM

hikingout, you've always been a shining light on here. I just dropped in to see if i still recognized anyone. There have been so many times when your posts or stories have helped me. Thank you!

hikingout posted 9/3/2020 13:27 PM

Based on your husbandís posts, they always have a sense of mindfulness. I donít know that you can drive someone to that, my guess is he was fairly centered pre-A and found his balance pretty quick, even when you hadnít figured things out for yourself.

No, you are right about that. He was and is a centered person. He had a lot of life experience before we got married, as he is ten years older than me.

When I say that some of my behavior pushed his detachment - some of it was had to do with my emotional exhaustion. They used to call them a nervous break down. I actually was diagnosed right before the affair started. I think that's what I mean by my behavior pushed him. I was quite erratic and not rational. This aspect of my poor mental health and combined with my stupid foggy ways kind of made it more obvious to him that this was not about him. I hope that makes better sense.

Whatever crisis your wife might have been in at the time of her affair would have passed by already. My comments were just based on the idea that it might have been clearer at that time that it wasn't about you rather than trying to piece it together in hindsight. But, maybe not, seeing the BS's on this site tends to make me think more internalize it than not.

hikingout posted 9/3/2020 13:28 PM

hikingout, you've always been a shining light on here. I just dropped in to see if i still recognized anyone. There have been so many times when your posts or stories have helped me. Thank you!

Hi Wool! I always have appreciated your insights as well and I learned a lot from you too.

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