Newest Member: Hopingtobreakthrough

Sayuwontletgo

Me: WW 32
BH- morethanbroken 33
EA turned PA lasting over 3 yrs
Dday- 0ct 2017
Married 11yrs
working for R

3 yr update

3 years ago today my H discovered that I had destroyed our marriage. 3 years today of trying to rebuild.

I remember the moment he confronted me and the following time plays back in slow motion. I remember the screaming and the almost primal wail that I heard him make. I dont think ill ever forget that sound. The fear, the panic all of it probably took 5 min but it will always stay with me. I will always remember the grace he showed me in his worst moments and he asked me to come over and he hugged me. I remember begging him not to leave me. I stayed next to him for as long as he'd let me and he fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion eventually. I want to remember the details because forgetting it feels like I'm not honoring whats come after. Its a reminder that I dont deserve my husband and this second chance.

Year 3 has been different. Its less about searching for new info and getting to ground zero. Its all out there now we just have to decide how to stay connected and grow together. There are less huge revelations but more day to day small wins. I personally feel like I've had some of the best sex of my life in the last year but I think we would both most likely say our sex life overall isn't great. Theres been gigantic topics tackled and still many more to get into.

Struggled more with comparison, its been a long time since this started and I've watched couples or people we started with on different timelines than ours. One or two have reconciled completely while others have gotten divorced. Just proves what everyone here has been saying forever, everyones timeline is different. I think we will be one of the 5-8yr at the very least, that used to terrify me. I understand better now the depth of the wound I created and the amount of time it will take to heal is complicated. It depends on how many times its ripped back open or ignored and left to fester. I wish at 3 yrs I could say I've got it all figured out but there's still so much to learn. Still so much to try to make amends for. I dont believe the work for me will ever stop, finding more and more that that is a good thing.

Part of the process for staying in the work is giving back. I wish I had a better way to give more than I take with SI, this place is amazing. I will always be so thankful for the support and the arguing(lol) I got when I first showed up. May not always feel great in the moment but I needed it, it saved me and our marriage in the beginning. I have found a space to give back through a different affair related recovery site. I mentored with one group of couples and have hopes to get back into training to eventually lead on my own. Reading and teaching back through their course content keeps me working on myself and on my marriage. I still reccomend this place to just about anyone who will listen so SI in some way will always be "home".

If I had any advice for other waywards just starting out I would say go read Hikingout's 3 yr update! In all seriousness she has said it far better than I ever could. Hope you don't mind the referral hko, I want to thank you personally for your support when I first arrived It meant more than I think you know or give yourself credit for.

Today's dday seems to be taking a harder toll on MTB than it did last year. We have plans to start couples counseling soon and I have hope that will help me understand some of the bigger things we still need to tackle. Communication seems to still be a struggle, if we can figure that out I'm sure it will help other areas. No big plans for the evening. Im hoping to cook him one of his favorite dinners and curl up in bed to watch a movie together.

So very long story short- We are doing well, I know our connection to one another and the love we still have is deep. There are many more good days than bad, and there are still areas we struggle in. I am so very grateful that MTB chooses me every day and that he's giving me the chance to choose him too.

MTB I love you, thank you for being a man of integrity, strength and kindness. You are the best example of a father for our kids and I can only hope our daughter holds her future husband to the standard you've modeled and set for her.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

What helped with triggers during sex?

Things with BH and I have been going well. Weve grown closer and are working through sexual issues in a much healthier way. Conversations about our sex life even 6 months ago turned into full on floods for BH. It does feel like weve come a long way taking some professional courses together, the triggers were happening less and less. We were having sex more often and making good connections.

The last month or so the triggers are happening almost every time. He says theres nothing that I do specifically that's triggering him, just the act itself causes him to see APs face.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to help with this? He has tried EMDR with no real change.

WS is there anything that you did to help ease the frequency?

BS is there anything that helped you with the triggers?

I'm sorry if this topic is triggery for some of you, I know sex is always a touchy one. I really appreciate any advice

27 comments posted: Saturday, July 18th, 2020

Recommendations for sexual trauma

Anyone found a good book to help sort through sexual based trauma? Not neccesarily abuse or rape just how early experiences can shape the way sex is viewed as an adult?

[This message edited by Sayuwontletgo at 12:30 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

1 comment posted: Thursday, May 23rd, 2019

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