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Confusing Situation - Need Advice

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KingRat posted 5/7/2020 19:43 PM

But for the record. I think the OP is very much in a WS mindset. I think she is purposefully minimizing/withholding facts. I think she has zero remorse, some regret, but has no clue the amount of devastation she has unleashed on her husband, marriage, and the OBS. She is going to have to accept--not acknowledge--that "but" for her actions, none of this would be happening. The blood is on her hands.

However, I don't think she is anyway unique in that most WS come here in her position. So it is on her. I think only time will tell if she is willing to be honest with herself and to begin living authentically. She has the power to change. The ball is in her court.

Zugzwang posted 5/8/2020 10:25 AM

^^^agree

ShutterHappy posted 5/15/2020 04:11 AM

What do you recommend my course of action be?

She is calling you names because shes angry. She also wants information. Why not simply acknowledge her pain and give her the information she seeks?

"I acknowledge the pain and suffering I have caused. I am responsible for this. I know it wont help much but I apologize for what I have done. I will answer all your questions and feel free to contact my WH if hes ok with it"

In life, when we mess up, we take responsibility for what we have done, and take steps to repair what we broke, no matter how embarrassing it is.

It will put you on the right path and give the OBS 0.1% of what she needs to heal (which is better than 0%).

DoinBettr posted 5/18/2020 17:52 PM

Ok, last piece of advice here because I was right about my first post on page #1.
Do not go the lawyer route!
If you involve the law, things become public record. Then she can publicly accuse you while siting this is all true and fact. Even if she goes into grey areas, it will be tough to argue with her since as a proven cheating/lying spouse, you don't have a leg to stand on.
If you try to pull the whole, "She cost me business!", she can say, "You cost me a marriage." The courts will throw their hands up and back up.
I know. My buddy's new girlfriend is having this issue with his XWW. She keeps insisting they were sleeping together while she was trying to reconcile with him.

LongSigh posted 5/25/2020 17:29 PM

Soooooo, I can actually lend some experience on this one. I was a BS that went nuclear on my husband's AP. I contacted everyone. Professors, deans, employers, family, friends, friends of friends, the wives of her male coworkers. EVERYONE. She tried to come at me legally to get it to stop.

Here's the thing though, it's only slander if it's a lie. Since I had irrefutable proof that they engaged in the affair and that she knew he was married, it wasn't legally slander or defamation.

Her school and place of employment were considered interested parties since the affair happened while she was contracted with both institutions. you'd be amazed to find out how many entities have morality clauses in this day and age. As for her social and familial circles, again not slander nor defamation since I had hard evidence.

Granted, I didn't send multiple messages to the same people repeatedly. I just compiled all the evidence, wrote an open letter, and sent it all out in waves. Family, then friends, then school, then work, etc.. Then I sat back and watched as her life imploded under the ripple effect. Karma is as karma does.

I didn't care to talk to her at all. So personal harassment wasn't an issue.


Sounds like she is still hurting, but also like she is trying to make sure people around you know who is really behind the mask. You actually write that she says she will haunt you to make sure you never do this to someone else again.

That was my motivation. Sure I was angry but more than that I was horrified that some other wife and kids would sooner or later have to deal with the same trash. I felt it was my duty to warn the other women in her orbit, so I did.

Wonder of wonders, Some of us women do stick together and look out for one another. Too bad you weren't one of them.

*edited to add, I also agree with a previous poster. I never consented to sex with my husband after he was tainted by someone else's bodily fluids. It felt like a sexual violation. It was a sexual violation.

[This message edited by LongSigh at 5:46 PM, May 25th (Monday)]

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