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Confusing Situation - Need Advice

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Bigger posted 5/6/2020 16:52 PM

No. The Public Record would show that the OP was harassed.

ChamomileTea posted 5/6/2020 18:27 PM

No. The Public Record would show that the OP was harassed.

Of course. It will show that she was harassed... but the wife of the MM she chose to have sexual relations with. I'm having a hard time comprehending why this is a better course than at least attempting to soothe the rancor with a heartfelt apology though.

survrus posted 5/6/2020 19:29 PM

TnC,

When you have an affair you tamper with the betrayed spouses mental health and particularly so if your affair partner is a serial cheater and the mental strain on their spouse is increasing with time.

You were part of the machine which made her crazy, just be glad she has not attacked you physically.

If you are well off you might offer her money to keep quiet. It's cheap compared to what you stole from OMW.

sundance posted 5/7/2020 08:27 AM

I'm not sure how to write this simply but am looking for advice.

Simplified Question: I am the WS and the OM's Wife is emailing/calling both me and my BS. They are threatening, harassing & slanderous, with my BS, my work, my family, my volunteer work, etc. How do I get her to stop? It's not healthy for any party involved and I need to have a career.

TNC, if you are still reading this thread, I went through a very similiar situation.

I contacted the local police and explained the situation (yes, told the police of the affair and the resulting harassment from AP's spouse). It's been several years ago, but in my state, I most certainly could have filed a restraining order.

I ended up consulting a lawyer, and the lawyer sent a letter (the kind where the party has to sign that they received it), stating that any further contact from AP's spouse would be considered harassment and result in legal action.

NOTHING from AP's spouse since receiving initial letter.

Best of luck to you! Let me know if you have any further questions for me as situations seem similar.

Zugzwang posted 5/7/2020 08:43 AM

She is probably pissed because of the TT. She probably perceives the OP got off easy because she didn't tell her husband before and her husband didn't divorce her yet.

What was a huge turning point for my wife and my APs was the unconventional NC letters we both sent. It meant something to my wife that I sent my APs off with a nice good bye, can't do this, it was nice knowing you, if things were different. I didn't mean it. I just wanted to keep my image in tact and still mean something to them even if they just meant I was the bomb. They were objects to me. In turn my wife thought they were walking around like they were the shit. God's gift to men. Thinking I was pining over them or thinking about them. It didn't help that they were bad mouthing my wife at work. Telling co-workers that nothing happened and my wife was paranoid shrew or bitch. The APs in turn never really had a closure I guess. They kept breaking NC. Making sure that any related business calls they did. I also had to be at monthly meetings with the boss from my co store that hooked AP1 and I up.

So, we sent NC letters. With stuff from here. My first post here was the rough draft of the letter I sent to my APs. My wife sent one and I sent one. Hers was pretty harsh and rightfully so. She never talked about what they did to her. She did tell the APs what they were. Mine was similar though the final copy got straight to the point. I made it clear I wasn't thinking fondly about them. They meant nothing to me. Dime a dozen. I was harsh in what I called them. They were the biggest mistake of my life. What my family meant to me and what my wife was above them. I also told work staff that we had affairs and who and what the women were like. They formed a mean girl clique and talked about them all behind their backs. I admitted what I had done to my wife and that her reactions were justified and the APs were lying. After the letters, crickets. The co-boss AP never showed up at another meeting again. Calls were placed from other staff.

The point of this ramble. Once my wife knew the APs weren't walking around on Cloud 9 from what I had fed them...things changed. It just really pissed her off and hurt her that the APs thought they had won some type of competition and had nice farewells. Trust me, my APs were very competitive cruel women. If OPs OBS feels that any of this is what OP was like and is like depending on the affair. She probably is still having problems too.

TroubleNConfused posted 5/7/2020 08:44 AM

Thank you. Although some of these posts are incredibly hard to read, I understand. The timeline is out, I don't have anything else to hide. I want us to heal and I want my BS to know that. I'm still scared to go to work with fear of her haunting me professionally but with Quarantine that is on hold for now . . .

Thanksgiving2016 posted 5/7/2020 09:24 AM

Really canít advise you because your only posting here because the BS is attacking you not because your trying to get out of infidelity. You had a long term affair with this womanís husband. How was it discovered. Who found out first. How many times did you break no contact and how long did it go underground. When I found out about my husbandís long term affair I just wanted the other woman to leave us alone. She just wouldnít give me that common courtesy. She had the balls to tell me she wanted my husband not hers. Iíve been in bitch mode ever since. And I suspect you donít want to lawyer up because it will ramp it up. If the AP sent me a restraining order I would counter sue her ass. I will say I havenít gone to the lengths this woman has. Kudos to her.

HellFire posted 5/7/2020 12:02 PM

I'm still scared to go to work with fear of her haunting me professionally


It's clear that you don't understand that you haunt her life. Every minute, of every day.

And she had no choice. You and her husband decided to attack her,put her health, her life, at risk. She didn't choose that. You and her husband did. She is probably suffering from PTSD, as it's obvious she has had several ddays,like your husband.

Someone above asked if she was going after her husband's career,in the way that she is going after yours. Probably not. She probably has a family that depends on his income. And why should She? Because it's fair? Can anyone tell me when, in the two years OP was having sex with this woman's husband, OP was fair to the BW? Why is it the BS is expected to behave, be fair, be rational, once they've had a bomb drop on them? The waywards certainly didn't care about fair,rational, kind behavior when they were getting their ego kibble. But the BS is always expected to take the high road.

It sounds like she wants you to leave your job, and stop working with her husband. I can guarantee your husband feels the same.

KingRat posted 5/7/2020 14:26 PM

And why should She? Because it's fair? Can anyone tell me when, in the two years OP was having sex with this woman's husband, OP was fair to the BW?

OP wasn't fair and the wife was the victim. However, the problem with an eye for an eye is its tendency to inflict further collateral damage and cause people to become defensive and retaliate. Inevitably, it becomes a race to the bottom where the OBSs are continually victimize.

For example, if the wife's harassment caused the OP to lose her job, it would not just affect the OP. The OBS would lose income and the stress on his marriage would likely be amplified. Is it fair to him to suffer, again, for something the OP did?

Also, what if the shoe is on the other foot? What if the the OBS goes after her husband and he loses his job? Is that fair to the wife? She is once again collateral damage. How would she feel? Would she accept that all is fair and the OBS's need for revenge at her expense is justified? The problem is when you live by the sword you have to be prepared to die by it as well. If you are not, then you must rethink your actions before you initiate a chain of events that could ultimately lead to your own demise.

I just don't see the wife's motives as being altruistic or having any basis in objectivity. Her actions show she really has no concern with the impact on the OBS. It's about her taking her pound of flesh against the OP and everyone else be damned. Which is very human and I can completely understand why she would be inclined to act this way.

IMO, the problem with it losing objectivity and feeding into her own pursuit of justice is the path eventually leads to the road that all WSs take in order to have their affair: self-justification. How many WSs convinced themselves that they were justified in having the affair because their spouse did or didn't do "x" or hurt them in some way? So while I understand her and can empathize with her feelings, it is hard for me to do the same with her actions because it is hard for me to logically separate her behavior from "WS thinking". The only difference is she did not cheat.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/7/2020 14:36 PM

Hey yíall, letís remember to post respectfully to each other and to the OP.

Brokenlifer posted 5/7/2020 15:56 PM

KingRat you're now comparing a BW to a WS which clearly shows you do NOT have empathy, understanding or compassion for how she feels. You fully expect the BW to behave perfectly and because she isn't you're harshly judging her.

Notice that Bp guy suggested suing so that the 'loser H' would have to pay but what about the BW, oh wait the BW doesn't matter because she's not the one who's 'sorry' after deliberately her husbands life by cheating and ruining another innocent woman. All she has to do is say she's sorry and gets credit for doing what '99%'don't.

But the BW must be perfect. If you DID understand, then you wouldn't compare it to the 'self-justification'. You would have the compassion to see that she IS justified even though she's not perfect like you expect.

Sad to see WH defending the WW but attacking the BW. Show how little compassion you have for your BW and your expectations that they behave perfectly. As well as your desire to save the 'poor AP'.

Zugzwang posted 5/7/2020 15:58 PM

It sounds like she wants you to leave your job, and stop working with her husband. I can guarantee your husband feels the same.

Wait did I miss something? Do you still actively work with her husband?

Brokenlifer posted 5/7/2020 16:03 PM

People love judging the BW but how about the hypocrisy of the WW. Only SHE is allowed to tamper with someone's life.

That's basically what she's saying. So why not be patient with the BW everyone? In 2 years she can just say 'sorry' like the WW has done and then she'll be the victim you think this WW is.

That's literally the same thing. You have mercy for the WW after TWO YEARS but expect perfection from the BW after what, a few months.

Also congrats to the other WW who bragged about ruining the life of the AP's wife in her situation. So flippant she is about innocent women's pain that she says good luck :). Because no one matters but lovely APs once they say 'whoops, sorry' but 'now the big bad BW is being mean to me even though it's a fraction of the damage I did to her life poor me, I NEED MY job and marriage. She didn't need hers when interfered with them.'

To that WW You didn't NEED to sue her or whatever you did and order that she signs your letter. You just wanted to humiliate her more than you already did because you have no respect or compassion for her mental health. You think you're the most important person and the only one deserving of justice or happiness.

Zugzwang posted 5/7/2020 16:15 PM

However, the problem with an eye for an eye is its tendency to inflict further collateral damage and cause people to become defensive and retaliate. Inevitably, it becomes a race to the bottom where the OBSs are continually victimize.

Actually most people are really divided on that. As the perpetrator. I am an eye for an eye in a sense. I am not about to jump on the bandwagon of righteousness after screwing someone over holding up a shield and cry foul doing what I want and expect/demand grace and mercy. I can hope. I just don't feel entitled to it. What I dish I better be willing to take. Now, if I was the victim...I don't know. Depends on what. Someone hurts my child and I would want my pound of flesh. Talking rape or torture here. Though I do agree. If you are going eye for eye. Most people that hurt people would probably just retaliate.

The problem is when you live by the sword you have to be prepared to die by it as well. If you are not, then you must rethink your actions before you initiate a chain of events that could ultimately lead to your own demise.
agree

KingRat you're now comparing a BW to a WS which clearly shows you do NOT have empathy, understanding or compassion for how she feels. You fully expect the BW to behave perfectly and because she isn't you're harshly judging her.
I didn't get that from his post at all. I think he expressed really well he understands why and how she feels that way and also seeing it justified. He just doesn't agree with how she expresses it. I thought his point was where does she stop. She could go further and have a RA and justify that. I got his point. I didn't think he expected the BS to be perfect. Just hoping she wouldn't let her emotions rule her into doing something that would turn around and impact her worse.

Though I do agree with you about many expecting the BS to be perfect and compliant when served a shit sandwich and they are shamed when they don't. Personally, I just hope that they don't do anything further to hurt themselves. I would totally understand if a high road isn't taken after they just got shit upon. I think I am floored more when the AP expects some high road (short of murder and some real crime here) from the OBS. Did I word that right? That murder is off the table.

KingRat posted 5/7/2020 17:04 PM

KingRat you're now comparing a BW to a WS which clearly shows you do NOT have empathy, understanding or compassion for how she feels. You fully expect the BW to behave perfectly and because she isn't you're harshly judging her.

That's hyperbolic nonsense. I don't traffic in SI identity politics. You can look at my posts and see that I try to take an unbiased approach to the subject matter I am responding too. I don't care how someone identifies, it does not mean they're above reproach or cannot have a legitimate grievance. Nor does my comment absolve the OP of her role in the situation. She has done plenty of things wrong and she has another thread where it is appropriate to comment on her specific actions in relation to the affair.

Being that the wife is still with her cheating husband, I think it is prudent to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Would she be OK with the OBS doing this to her husband and letting the chips fall where they land? If she asked the OBS to stop harrassing her husband, should she respect his request? In my experience, humans--BSs and WSs alike--are quick to see inequities done to themselves but have trouble identifying those they perpetrate.

Regarding my capacity for empathy, you can look at my other posts. I always try to be empathetic. That is why I made it a point to reiterate that I feel for the wife. Her feelings are normal and reasonable; her actions are not. I don't often disagree with HellFire, this happens to be one time that I do. I respect her opinions and did not call her out or belittle her. I simply gave my opinion as to why I do not believe having that approach is healthy.

Alpargata posted 5/7/2020 17:21 PM

So the affair was 6 years long instead of 2 and it came out literally yesterday, thanks to the obs unrelenting attempts at contacting OP's husband.

But hey she is a psycho...

HellFire posted 5/7/2020 18:04 PM

She has said the affair was 2 years long.

HellFire posted 5/7/2020 18:28 PM

Nevermind, Alpargata. I figured it out. Dear Lord.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/7/2020 18:32 PM

Alpargata, you have a pm.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 5/7/2020 18:51 PM

I don't think we should be assuming for sure that the thread in the BS subforum and this are the same stories....

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