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Confusing Situation - Need Advice

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WontBeFooledAgai posted 5/4/2020 17:44 PM

Well OP, at this point, this reads to me as you trying to control the narrative.

It is not so hard for you to block OBS. It is not so hard for other people to block OBS. If a reason why you don't want OBS to be contacting other people is because she is disclosing embarrassing information about you that you don't like, then you really should have thought about it, BEFORE you had an affair.

Meanwhile does OBS have information that your BS doesn't know about yet. It is reading to me frankly that OBS is the one driving your disclosures of information.

So yeah, little sympathy for you. Consequences.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:45 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 5/4/2020 22:34 PM

this reads like someone who got caught but is entirely arrogant and pompous.

simply put, OP is not a candidate for R.

Zugzwang posted 5/5/2020 10:49 AM

I appreciate all the advice. I tried to keep this forum on the subject I was asking.
We know. We can smell wayward control issues from a mile away. Wayward selfish behavior. Trying to control the situation and what people advice. We can sense when a wayward hasn't done the work and owned their shit. Control. Something that is part of why you cheated to begin with. It usually is a huge tell when a new wayward states....we did MC first.Instant MC without IC is an action of regret and selfishness. It clues us in that you went for the same excuse it is the marriage that made me cheat and I could bet for those that choose it, issues are still there (as you are proof still a manipulator and liar) because you were able to use that as a scapegoat for the real problem that never gets addressed. YOU

I know it was wrong to not come out with the whole truth at the beginning.
It is more than just wrong. It is cruel and manipulative.

We are seeing a MC and I am also seeing an IC.
Stop seeing the MC. This isn't a MC problem. It is a you problem. You need fixed. Your husband needs to see a different IC to help him with the PTS due to your lying for over 4 years at the very least.


I love my husband. He is my entire world. I can't stand what I did.
No, you object love your husband because you need him. If you loved him, you would have told him the truth a long time ago. Love is not controlling, lying, and manipulating someone into staying with you. If you love something you set it free to make informed decisions about their life. You let them choose to be with the real you if they want. Your husband was a caged bird at your expense. Do you get how cruel that is? Is that love to you?


I understand why my BS would want to not block this person but he also understands that she does not get to control the "punishment" for my affair.
Well, the reality is she can and will. That is a choice we make when we fuck up other people's lives. You invited the chance of really hurting someone at your own expense. Someone that might not handle it so well and become vengeful. It is a gamble and unfortunately for you, you chose to go into the wrong yard. Legally, you have rights so go to the police and look into it. Morally and ethically...she is the type that believes she is entitled to get her pound of flesh for your actions to her. Yes, her husband hurt her. So did you. It takes two to have an affair. Yes, you were nothing special. Hopefully she can see that soon and know that to her husband you were a dime a dozen and it will help her to heal and move on. Perhaps your husband can tell her that. Though it doesn't change the fact that you were the not so special one that chose to hurt her family and her dream of the marriage she wanted.

I disagree with Robert22205httpsNo doubt her husband is gaslighting her too like you did to your own husband. I really don't think she is entirely blaming you. I have yet in all the years here seen one BS that solely blames the AP. I am sure her husband gets plenty of shit at home.

Now you have a choice. To reconcile yourself. To choose to become a better person.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 10:51 AM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

Walkingthewire posted 5/5/2020 11:52 AM

Sooooo I admit I have no sympathy for you.
For your BS, yea. You?? No.

My fWH’s AP is a widow. But she and her friends love to harass me. Sigh 😔 I did nothing and yet I still have to suffer.

See an attorney for a cease and desist.
Come completely clean so you BS can have some kind of piece of mind and make a decision with all the information on the table.

MrCleanSlate posted 5/5/2020 15:07 PM

So I say F it all to the gallery and offer this:

You've done more than 99% of waywards - you are here trying to sort things out. Are you perfect? ha no!, then again nobody is.

I get that you are troubled by the OBS stalking you. Go to the police and a lawyer to get a cease and desist.

Now, you need to acknowledge that the OBS is after you for a reason, and it has forced you to admit to more about your A and who you are.

That is the crux of it - having to look in the mirror. Figure out who we really are. Admit all the shitty stuff we did.

Condemnation by the gallery is easy. Seeing you for your faults and encouraging you to move forward - man that takes works.

Do you really want to turn that mirror on yourself and fix who you are? you need to do that first. Yes, if you are lucky you have a great BS who is willing to help you do that.

I just threw it all out there to my BW. It was hard. One thing I learned was that the A was the least of my problems. I had to fix myself. My depression. My attitude. Everything.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 5/5/2020 22:55 PM

@MrCleanSlate, I do not agree with your analysis. Coming on here and complaining about the consequences of one's action--as OP seems to be doing, does not earn one a pat on the back as "being ahead of 99% of other waywards".

And it isn't "condemnation from the gallery" to tell OP that she sounds more concerned about her own reputation and controlling the narrative, than she does about making things right. Did she even apologize to the OBS?

The OP would be better served instead to be more chastened by the pain she caused others. And even more so chastened by the fact that it is OBS who is the one who is driving the D-Days in OP's own marriage. Why should BH even believe OP at this point, and why should BH even be cutting off OBS. She has the one who has been giving BH the answers he needs it sounds like. In fact OBS has been more honest with OP's husband than OP herself!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:23 AM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 5/5/2020 23:59 PM

...that she would follow me to make sure I never did this every again to anyone.


If we take her at her word... there's her motivation. ^^^^
She wants to make sure you'll never hurt anyone again the way you hurt her. And make no mistake, the only person who's ever hurt her more is her own WH who cheated with you. The pain is indescribable. It actually changes a person's brain function. Betrayed spouses often end up with PTSD, depression, generalized anxiety,etc., and these conditions don't just magically evaporate when the AP moves on.

So, have you ever truly apologized to this woman? You struck at her from nowhere, going for her jugular even though she was not your enemy. And even if that's not reflective of your intention, it's what happened. Are you sorry you did it? Do you have true remorse for the pain you've caused her? Did you learn anything from the experience?... enough to never repeat it???

I do agree with everyone who told you to get a Cease & Desist. But if you've never really apologized, if you've never applied real empathy, why not try that first? Try talking to her, together with your BH, tell her you're truly sorry, mean it. Tell her the ways you've sought treatment after the wrong you did to her. Tell her what you learned. Tell her WHY you know you'll never do anything like this again. And if that doesn't work... go ahead with the C&D.

I'll be frank with you, I will hate and despise every OW who ever interfered with my marriage until the day I die. There will NEVER be forgiveness on my part, and if I thought this kind of harassment would've brought me any peace, I wouldn't have shrunk from it. So, it's unlikely that she'll actually accept an apology. But.. she might stop. You treated her like she was nothing, like she didn't matter. She doesn't have to accept your apology in order to notice your reversal. Maybe it would be enough to satisfy her.

HellFire posted 5/6/2020 08:24 AM

Mrcleanslate..really? Shes done more than 99% of the waywards?

She had a 2 year affair,that did not come out for 2 years, and only came out because OBS exposed it to her husband.

She has lied..lied..and lied some more, again, the truth only coming put because of obs.

Now she is in cya mode,and is blaming the state of their marriage in the fact that OBS wouldn't stop until she was sure BH had all the relevant info..

It sounds like WH was trickle truthing the BW, and every time she found out more relevant info, she contacted the BH. Which is something we advise BS to do here.

Maybe she has done more than you. But I've seen many waywards show up in this forum who have not done, and are not doing, half of what she has/Is. Especially blaming the woman she waged war on for striking back.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:26 AM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 5/6/2020 09:06 AM

Hellfire, etc.

The point is many, many waywards NEVER come to a place like this.

My post clearly states that the OP has work to do.

I am trying to encourage the OP rather than be negative. We all have differing approach. Maybe I'm wrong. I lurked here for years before I posted. I was too afraid back then after seeing some of the responses.

I also try not to directly insult others....

thatbpguy posted 5/6/2020 09:07 AM

Take legal action.

This.

Just drop a $150,000 lawsuit for stalking and harassment. Don't threaten to, just do it. It sends a better message. Plus, now she and her loser H get to start shelling out money for a defense attorney.

BraveSirRobin posted 5/6/2020 10:04 AM

The point is many, many waywards NEVER come to a place like this.

My post clearly states that the OP has work to do.

I am trying to encourage the OP rather than be negative. We all have differing approach. Maybe I'm wrong. I lurked here for years before I posted. I was too afraid back then after seeing some of the responses.

I think it's a balancing act. There's a significant danger of incoming waywards giving themselves too much credit for posting here. It's similar to the problems that philanthropic institutions have encountered with social media "awareness posts." It's great if a cause like ALS gets more attention because of something like the ice bucket challenge. However, it's detrimental if people start feeling like they actually helped achieve a cure by posting a video of themselves squealing under the freezing water and then never making a donation or volunteering. The end result for most organizations can be more harm than good. People feel virtuous, like they've "done something," by clicking Like on a post or making a supportive comment, and that releases the pressure to participate in ways that create actual progress.

The 99% of waywards who can't be bothered to show up here aren't our concern. The ones who show up to pay lip service represent an opportunity for us to wedge the door open. I agree that attacking them isn't helpful in that cause, but I don't see that happening here. I see a refusal to applaud someone just for clicking "Like."

HellFire posted 5/6/2020 10:09 AM

I say F it all to the gallery


I also try not to directly insult others..

You dismiss every person who posted on this thread,by calling us the gallery. And say fuck all our comments, opinions and advice.

So you don't insult individually, just groups of people.


As you said, we all have a different approach. Calling OP out on her blameshifting, and lack of empathy is valid.

And, by "place like this," do you mean this website? Because many waywards land here, who don't really want to do the work, are looking for sympathy, and want a quick fix. It's the waywards who stay,who take the advice in, who DO THE WORK, that have done more than 99% of other waywards. Telling a wayward who posts a few times that they are doing as much as those other waywards minimizes their contribution,and the work they are doing.

OP, if your husband doesn't want to block her, then that's ok. You can't control him. So it sounds like you are trying to control her. If what she is saying is untrue,therefore it is slanderous, get a cease and desist letter sent by an attorney. However, in not sure you can include the entire world from her contacting them, just you. Consequences are a bitch.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:13 AM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

WontBeFooledAgai posted 5/6/2020 10:45 AM

I am trying to encourage the OP rather than be negative. We all have differing approach. Maybe I'm wrong. I lurked here for years before I posted. I was too afraid back then after seeing some of the responses.

I also try not to directly insult others..

MrCleanSlate, respectfully, yes you ARE wrong.

All I am seeing here from the OP, *so far*, is someone who is still trying to control the narrative and who still doesn't understand how her actions have consequences.

I think she is even trying to control the narrative with us. What makes me think this is how her D-Days came about only because OBS forced them. Frankly, to me, if I were advising BH I would tell him to not cut off OBS--she is the one person right now who is giving him the truth in his marriage, because OP herself has proven that she will not unless she is forced to.

If you want to encourage someone, tell them that they can do better and that they must do better. Don't be sympathetic to their side of the story when there is plenty of evidence that they are the ones who are in the wrong though, that helps no one. And don't give someone a participation trophy simply for coming on here. I mean, if you think about it, that is wayward thinking too.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:48 AM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 5/6/2020 10:54 AM

I think the posters that are more focused on hitting out at the OP rather than help might find their time better spent trying to change water to wine, curing lepers, raising the dead or walking on water rather than harassing the WS that are brave enough to post here.

OP – On the issue you came here with – the harassment. To me it’s clear that it’s gone beyond the “reasonable” anger all us betrayed spouses can understand. Part of the healing of the betrayed is learning to let go of the anger the infidelity leaves us with. Not to forget – but rather to not let it control us. The OMW is clearly not there yet. Getting her there is not your concern. She had to get there herself.

I think the legal path is the way to go. Irrespective of what you did to your husband then her harassment isn’t justified. Maybe an initial step might be for your attorney (no – definitely not you nor your husband) contacts OM with a stern but informal warning. A simple phone-call where he is warned of what is happening and the consequences if it doesn’t desist. This might be the “cleanest” and quickest way with the least cost.

Other than that – You don’t really elaborate on your story. But I do get a sense of things becoming OK very quickly… That is strange. The general consensus here on SI is that it takes 2 years for a marriage to reach the stage where both partners can evaluate if the marriage is really salvageable. I do hope for both of you that you are taking this seriously. What I will tell you is that your love for your husband didn’t prevent you from having the affair, not any more than your husband made you have an affair. A key-factor for a wayward is to realize how, why and what made them (a) need the affair and (b) feel entitled to have it. Generally, these tend to be connected to some need for power or self-validation. Get to the bottom of that because if you don’t then no matter how much you love your husband you are likely to relapse in some way or form.

Zugzwang posted 5/6/2020 12:21 PM

I can see Mr.CleanSlates points. though I agree with Hellfire that he contradicts himself. He could have simply said what he wanted to support without insulting all the others that posted. This place takes all types to work. Some respond better to pats on the back and compassion. I usually only reserve that when I see new WS coming out of the fog and woe is me pity parties. Personally I am more of the attitude stop treating them like children and it is time for a dose of reality. I also don't think many come for help, but to commiserate and replace what they get from APs. That is my approach. Some like it and some don't. Doesn't matter because it takes all types and there are others in the wing to offer what I don't do. Soft didn't work for me. It just allowed me to sit in my shit more and throw a pity party with the attitude "I am only human". I permitted myself to be complacent and justified that my wife was blowing it out of proportion. Would I personally consider OP has done more than most? No. IMO she is looking to commiserate and vent about how her APs OBS is a pain in the ass. I am more worried about the OP focusing on fixing herself and addressing what she wants to control which she didn't want advice on. Now if she came here and said....I really fucked up and I am still TT my poor husband...I need guidance to fix myself...I would have applauded her. She didn't she came here bitching about the OBS and tried to control the advice about herself and what she is doing to her BH. She is a victim of the OBS? It sucks I get it. How about she focuses more on her BH being a victim from her. That is the real tragedy here.

Perhaps she can use how she feels at the hands of the OBS and realize her own BH feels that magnified by what BS can tell you it is from her own hands for him.

OP you might be thinking that the BS are triggering. Just remember what they feel and think might very well be the reality of what your own BS thinks and feels about you. That is why I never get bothered by their raw opinions. It is probably the same truth...at this far out I know it was with my BS of what and how she was thinking and feeling. Use it as insight and motivation to get out of your shit pond.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 12:24 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

Carissima posted 5/6/2020 14:09 PM

The thing is the OP has another thread a couple down where she is talking about preparing to give her BH yet another DDay after producing a timeline. So she was lying earlier here when she said her BH knew everything.
The OP has not posted since giving her BH the timeline.

Zugzwang posted 5/6/2020 14:31 PM

Still a chance to save herself though if she wants to live a better life.

ChamomileTea posted 5/6/2020 14:53 PM

Irrespective of what you did to your husband then her harassment isn’t justified.

I dunno Bigger. It's most likely not legal, but
"justified"?? Aside from the name-calling, the OBS is simply telling the truth. She's just doing it REALLY persistently.

I honestly think the OP would be better off to make a sincere apology in the presence of both her own husband and the OBS (preferably by phone), talk through the reasons why she will never repeat this behavior, maybe even do some acts of contrition, like donations to women's shelters or something... and try to make peace.

A Cease & Desist is really just stating a desired outcome. It's got no teeth. And while I do believe that the OP can have it parlayed into a restraining order, that means going to court and going on the record as an adulterer. Remember, it's not slander it it's true. So, the persistence and name-calling is most likely enough to get the RO, but the OP is not going to get through the experience with her own reputation unscathed.

The OBS wants something. Whether it's to make sure the entire truth has been told or if it's simply to make sure the OP acknowledges the humanity of her victims, it might be wise to find out what it's going to take and give her what she wants.


ETA: On a side note, I also think this could be good for the OP's process. Focusing on her victims will help her to develop empathy. Right now, she views herself as a victim due to the alleged harassment. But as she begins to see herself as the persecutor, she can start taking true responsibility for her actions. Eventually, that will mean not only identifying how she hurt people and to understanding their feelings, it will push her on to the need to find out why.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:04 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 5/6/2020 15:35 PM

Truth?
Did the OP sell herself for money? That’s the definition of prostitution.
Is the OMW as diligent in trying to impact her husband’s career?
Has it been verified that the OP slept her way to the top? From all we know it’s one affair.
Is the OP available “for a good time”?

This goes way beyond reasonable.

ChamomileTea posted 5/6/2020 15:49 PM

This goes way beyond reasonable.

Like I said, I'm sure the judge will give her the RO. But once the testimony is done, the OP is on the public record as an adulterer. She might possibly avoid that by showing some contrition while she still has time.

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