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Confusing Situation - Need Advice

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TroubleNConfused posted 5/3/2020 10:37 AM

I'm not sure how to write this simply but am looking for advice.

Simplified Question: I am the WS and the OM's Wife is emailing/calling both me and my BS. They are threatening, harassing & slanderous, with my BS, my work, my family, my volunteer work, etc. How do I get her to stop? It's not healthy for any party involved and I need to have a career.

Back Story for the question, not the affair:
We have had 3 D-Day's due to me trickle truth-ing. It is finally all out. Since the first D-Day the OM's wife has been contacting me via e-mail and phone. Very mad - asking for details - how could I do this, etc. All emails I expect to get from the wife of my affair partner. I understand she hates me and wants me to rot in hell.

The 2nd D-Day was at the end of August where I admitted the affair to my BS. I admitted details, stopped compartmentalizing and we saw a Marriage Counselor. We were doing much better. I took accountability and wrapped the affair to a 2 year time period over 4 years ago. My BS & I were starting to be happy again and reconnected which was amazing. It got to be our only triggers were when we received e-mails from the OM's wife.

Not only were they vulgar, they were psycho, mean and threatening to my professional career, haunting me that she would follow me to make sure I never did this every again to anyone. She contacted my place of work leaving emails and voicemails about me being a prostitute, sleeping my way to the top emails to a board of directors I am actively on. Threatened to write emails and mail letters to my family of which she researched their names and gave me details. She created a poster "for a good time - call" asking how many I would like printed. She e-mailed my BS asking if he knew more details, that they should combine their stories for truth and to leave me. I've since taken down my social media profiles, tried to make everything private, etc. I was even worried to sign up here. I mean she contacted me through the LetGo app.

As my BS & I started to move forward, our counselor recommended that he email the OM's wife to ask her to stop and we will not be responding. It was quiet for awhile. I switched jobs.

A few months later, the OM's wife tracked me down at my new job and started leaving voicemails and actually got ahold of me one day in the middle of a work day. I had no choice but to talk to her. She blamed me, asked me questions, etc. At the end of the conversation, I said this is our last conversation. She has been e-mailing updates about info the OM is admitting to. She actually tracked down my BS's work email and contacted him through that along with my work email. BS & I are trying to ignore them but scared where she might pop up next.

As part of my process of us healing, her last e-mail had some details about an extended affair. D-Day 3, It's karma that she is haunting me so I came clean with the rest of the affair. BS & I are roommates not but trying to work through things.

Whether BS & I stay together or not -
1) I don't think it's OM's wife's concern.
2) I still need to have a career and I can't have her harassing me with threatening / slandering emails, calls, posters, contact, etc.

What do you recommend my course of action be? I know she is mad at me, I understand that. I don't think that gives her the right to follow me and reach out to my friends, family, work, etc. I also would like her to leave my BS alone so he can heal. BS is also supportive that the OM's wife needs to go away.

[This message edited by TroubleNConfused at 10:07 AM, May 4th (Monday)]

Catwoman posted 5/3/2020 10:47 AM

From where I sit, there are two issues here.

First, this contact is harassment, and I would take legal avenues to shut it down. Hire an attorney to write her a letter indicating that if she does not cease this activity, you will pursue harassment charges. As a BS myself, I certainly understand her pain, but continuing to harass you and your BS is not going to relieve that pain.

Secondly and more importantly, you have not been 100% honest with your BS. Gently, how can this happen if you were actively in MC? I think this is where you should be spending the majority of your time and energy and leave the AP's BS to the attorney you hire.

Does the MC know about the continued trickle truth? If not, I would definitely get them up to speed. This is a huge blow to your BS and you need to extend all possible effort to help them heal.

Cat

josiep posted 5/3/2020 10:52 AM

I don't think I have any advice about how to make it stop but maybe if you mentioned at least one time that you love your BH, it would help others here get a better idea of your goals. And nowhere do you acknowledge the level of pain and agony a BS goes through. I'm bothered by your statements of "trying." You either love your BH and will do whatever it takes to make this situation better or you don't. There's no "trying."

So I guess I'm thinking maybe MC isn't appropriate right now and IC would be a better choice. An IC who might be able to help you find a way to come clean in your own head and heart. And then you can take steps to make amends to the people you've hurt so deeply.

I think if those things happen, the harassment will stop.

[This message edited by josiep at 10:53 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 5/3/2020 11:09 AM

It sounds like the OBS is be blaming you (rather than her husband) for the inappropriate decisions and behavior of her husband.

It's a common 'initial' reaction but by this time (4 years later) she should realize that you didn't break any vows to her (i.e., with the help of counseling and especially by a remorseful spouse that accepts 100% responsibility).

IMO the driving force behind the OBS mindset is your AP. He's probably saying you seduced him or chased him - and the affair is all your fault.

It might help if your husband spoke with her face to face, wordsmith it ... he could say something like:

1 - express how much pain he's experienced and ask her to stop interfering with his marriage. That each cheater is 100% responsible for their decision to cheat. She does not have the moral high ground because her behavior toward you is destabilizing your marriage and also hurting an innocent (your husband).

2 - although he shares similar anger toward her husband and thinks he's a POS, he doesn't blame him for his wife's decision to cheat.

3 - and to highlight what her husband may not be doing, he may list (for her) the things you've done to show remorse and to make yourself a safe partner going forward.

Robert22205https posted 5/3/2020 11:29 AM

Perhaps the OBS would benefit from joining this web site.

StillLivin posted 5/3/2020 11:48 AM

Take legal action. Unlike others, I do not get crazy. I just don't. Yes, I wanted to kick the AP's ass, for about 6 months. Then I started healing. Today, I would shake her hand for getting that POS out of my life and opening my eyes to what a POS he really was all along. I would NOT be stalking her.
Do NOT engage and do NOT have your husband engage with her. Your husband owes that nutjob nothing. At one point you did, but that debt has expired.
Like another poster said, let the lawyer handle it. Focus on you and becoming a better person. If your husband will.have you, then focus on your marriage as well.
Please stay alert. Pay attention to your surroundings at all times. She sounds like a bunny boiler.
If she tries to harass you anymore, contact the police and file a report. This kind of behavior would be understandable for the first few months after the A, but it still wouldn't have been acceptable...sadly by having an affair with her husband you invited the crazy in. Please let this be a learning lesson about laying down with dogs and getting fleas.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:50 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Carissima posted 5/3/2020 11:50 AM

You've had 3 DDays but it's only through the OBS constant contacting you and your BH that he managed to get the truth from you. You've lied consistently to his face through MC.
You may find the OBS backs off now the truth has been revealed, if not then see a lawyer to see what can be done.

TroubleNConfused posted 5/3/2020 12:51 PM

I appreciate all the advice. I tried to keep this forum on the subject I was asking.

I know it was wrong to not come out with the whole truth at the beginning. We are seeing a MC and I am also seeing an IC. I love my husband. He is my entire world. I can't stand what I did. The affair is over and I'm seeking help for us together as a couple, for me as an individual to figure out the why and what's wrong with me. I'm devoted to making this work. I understand why my BS would want to not block this person but he also understands that she does not get to control the "punishment" for my affair.

Again, thank you for the information.

Notmine posted 5/3/2020 15:08 PM

You seem pretty entitled. You "need to have" your career? Well, she "needed to have" you refrain from sleeping with her husband. I do not see much accountability here. It's all about you and how unfair this all is to YOU. This is wayward thinking. You were unlucky enough to have an affair with the husband of someone who is unstable, whose husband (yup, the man you chose to have an affair with) is throwing you under the bus or who is in so much pain due to YOUR actions with her husband that she is projecting it onto you. Maybe it is all three. Do I agree that you should probably call a lawyer for a cease and desist order? Probably. Do I think you have a long way to go to be someone who is deserving of your marriage? Yup. You say your husband is your entire world and yet you continue to lie to him. A BS can only begin to trust again when there is no more dishonesty, period. Many BS consider trickle truth to be the WORST part of discovery. Your AP is obviously continuing to tickle truth his wife. Each time this happens, it feels like DDay all over again and there are no words to describe the pain a BS goes through. THIS IS YOUR AP'S FAULT, not hers. Is this woman harassing you? Welcome to the consequences of your actions. It's been 4.5 years since DDay and I wouldn't piss on my husband's whore if she were on fire.

waitedwaytoolong posted 5/3/2020 15:25 PM

Itís not right what she is doing in terms of trying to destroy you professionally, but in terms of her reaching out to your BS to highlight the lies you told him is entirely correct. It is also almost standard advice here to make sure the other BS knows the true story.

Is your reluctance to have him talk to her is that even more damning information will come out? I know you told him and everyone here he knows everything, but if I had a dollar for every time a WS lies to their BS, MC, and everyone here that it was all out, only to find the WS was continuing to lie I would be a rich man.

My suggestion is to have your BS meet face to face, compare notes, and for him to humanize the terrible spot that her continued efforts to destroy you affects him. Maybe that will get her to stop if he asks. Again, the downside to you is more May come out

GoldenR posted 5/3/2020 15:28 PM

Dragging your BH to MC while still lieing to him?

Smmfh...OMW coming after you over and over was karma and NEEDED for your H to know the real you.

I doubt he even has the truth now, and it looks like he feels the same as he doesn't want to block her.

As far as her leaving you alone...I think you should have left her alone and stayed away from her H.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 3:30 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

ramius posted 5/3/2020 18:07 PM

BS & I are roommates not but trying to work through things.

Whether BS & I stay together or not -
1) I don't think it's OM's wife's concern.
2) I still need to have a career and I can't have her harassing me with threatening / slandering emails, calls, posters, contact, etc.

What do you recommend my course of action be?

Her desire for revenge is strong. And must be assuaged somewhat.

Since it sounds like D-Day3 may be the nail in the coffin, here is an idea. If he is open to it, your BS could meet with her. They can exchange notes and have a cathartic experience. Like veterans of a war. Then he can tell her that she needs to leave you alone. Because if she keeps going and gets you fired, it will be much more difficult on him in a divorce. Alimony will be higher etc. This way she will feel that her leaving you alone helps him leave you.

But the risk is....if you donít get divorced, she will come back again, probably will both barrels.

[This message edited by ramius at 6:11 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

SI Staff posted 5/3/2020 18:56 PM

   Moving to Wayward Side

HellFire posted 5/3/2020 18:57 PM

It sounds like she knew you were lying to your husband, and did everything she could to make sure he had the truth. So she showed more respect for your husband than you have?

The affair was 4 years ago, and lasted 2 years? So you invited yourself into her life for a very very long time, and now you're mad that she's inviting herself into yours?

Meh.

Edited to correct autocorrect

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:55 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

yellowledbetter posted 5/3/2020 20:41 PM

Consequences are a bitch, eh?

That other woman is wasting her time on you, which is sad because youíre not worth it. But I like her style.

Not an ounce of sympathy for you.

gmc94 posted 5/3/2020 21:42 PM

I agree with the posters who suspect you still have not come completely clean. So long as there is a SINGLE lie between you and your BH, you are still in an affair, you are still manipulating and controlling your BS in ways that are not healthy or appropriate. The fact that you seem to blame the OBS for the most recent dday(s) is a huge red flag as to your mindset.

Have you done a complete written timeline? if not, why?

IMHO, your BS deserves a written timeline of anything and everything he wants to know.
Followed up by a polygraph with someone that does infidelity disclosure checks.

Seek an attorney to have her stop calling your work. And FWIW, please take a minute to see that you do not "understand" that she's mad at you. You participated in shattering her very reality. As a BW, what Hellfire and Notmine say resonates with me big time. Sleeping with a MM causes great (and I believe intentional) emotional damage to the BW - it's a breach of the girl code. There's an old timer on SI whose BW described it as his AP holding her down while he raped her, a feeling that I share with his BW. These are consequences to your actions, ie that she feels raped, and you participated. So, saying you "understand" her anger pretty well misses the mark. My intent is not to shame you, but to suggest that it may be beneficial to see her through a different lens - and your BS could probably use some of that as well. Empathy is a cornerstone of healing/fixing the things that prompted you to cheat - and IMHO it should extend to the OBS, even if she is behaving inappropriately in expressing her feelings.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:43 PM, May 3rd, 2020 (Sunday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 5/3/2020 22:46 PM

It's a common 'initial' reaction but by this time (4 years later) she should realize that you didn't break any vows to her (i.e., with the help of counseling and especially by a remorseful spouse that accepts 100% responsibility).
It sounds like although the A was years ago, OP just admitted to it in August and very recently came out with more TT, forced by the last contact from OBS. (It's not clear what the disclosure was on D-Day 1.) The initial fury is still going strong.

Trouble, you can get a restraining order against OBS, assuming your BH is on board, but there are a lot of red flags here that you are still in rugsweeping mode. Both IC and MC were irrelevant if you were lying, as was any happiness caused by deception and false R. It's really implausible that you and your BH would be "happy again" so soon after your affair, and the fact that you're blaming OBS for all your triggers (when what she's doing is not just revenge, it's digging for the truth) is frankly alarming. Your underlying theory seems to be that if OBS had just shut up and gone away, you'd never have had a D-Day 3 and your marriage would be well on its way to restored health. That's deeply wayward thinking.

Honestly, if I were the BS in this situation, the last thing I would want to do is cut off communication with the OBS, because it appears to be the most historically successful method of getting accurate information from you. You might be telling the full truth now, but how would he know it? Apparently, having a psycho after you, one who was hell bent on exposing the facts, was still insufficient incentive. That doesn't mean that I think she should be allowed to harass you, and I agree that legal action is appropriate if she's sending you vulgar emails/phone calls. But as far as exposing what you did to family and friends... Well, you did what she claims, so it's not slander, and you can't get a restraining order on behalf of someone else. I'm not entirely sure you have legal standing to prevent it.

One thing that I find promising is that you haven't tried to get OM to help you navigate this mess. Staying absolutely NC with him is a good instinct.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 10:49 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

DoinBettr posted 5/4/2020 10:00 AM

Sirrobin is right about your focus.
You should write out your 3 ddays and what triggered each. I bet it was you getting caught and not you thinking about how much you love your BS.
You may need to trust him to handle this problem.
Write up a timeline and an apology letter. Have him sit down with the other BS and ask for the same from her WH. If they aren't together anymore, he can talk about how he feels with her and outline why he hasn't left. This will be about him sharing his pain with this other woman. I bet this scares you because you know she is going to try to hurt you through him. If you trust him, you will trust this won't be what happens. He could reason with her at a minimum that she needs to not ruin your job so that when he does divorce you he has less alimony to pay.
It should satisfy the OBS to know you will get divorced from by your husband. The OBS thinks he is being far too passive which is why she is attacking still. Let her think it is him playing the long game but that you will still get yours.
Lastly, re-read the other posters. Everyone sees you trying to guard the truth. You are afraid because I bet you haven't been 100% honest yet. You should do that now. Not being 100% honest is just going to screw you over in the future. You can't control this marriage. You only have 50% control and you already showed that was too much. Something to think on.

Carissima posted 5/4/2020 12:19 PM

So I see you've not disclosed everything and there's about to be a DDay 4. At least you're doing it in a controlled environment.

Poppy704 posted 5/4/2020 16:16 PM

GET A LAWYER! Your lawyer will send her a cease and desist letter at the absolute bare minimum. Do not engage her outside the legal system.

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