"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ff4152 posted 10/4/2019 07:30 AM

I saw a post in General the other day and it got me thinking about the aftermath of an affair. The poster asked the question, did anything positive come from the fallout of the affair? I am curious to hear peoples thoughts on the subject in the WS forum (BS responses welcome as well)

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/4/2019 08:12 AM

I LOVE anything POSITIVE...so thanks for starting this thread . I can't wait to see what others write!!!

One of the positives wouldn't have happened without my H having an A. I was cheated on in my 1st M...and I did that STUPID "pick me dance". I WON...my 1st H chose me . It left me feeling very ashamed of myself when I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator about a year and a half later. I didn't know how I would act if it ever happened in my 2nd M...and it made me feel very vulnerable at times with the "what ifs". As it turned out...I was quite STRONG on DDay...and it still makes me feel good to this day . I won't EVER accept being treated "less than"...and that has given me a renewed strength in ME .

Another positive is the change in the mindset of my H!! My H didn't tolerate poor choices easily...until he made the worst one ever in an M. NOW...my H is more patient and kind toward others . It has made a HUGE positive impact on our entire family...and many people have remarked about my H's change for the better .

The MOST positive thing that came out of this is that we BOTH have grown closer to God . My H started reading his Bible daily...and that led to us doing a daily Bible Study. God has been working miracles in our lives...and this BY FAR has been the BEST thing to ever happen to either of us .

I am so looking forward to seeing MORE posts!!!

sickofsurviving posted 10/4/2019 08:45 AM

None. My life was imploded.

pinkpggy posted 10/4/2019 08:58 AM

Not on my end either....maybe that I became a better person but that sounds selfish.

hikingout posted 10/4/2019 09:06 AM

Sure, I am one who tries to see the silver lining when I can. I have had a ton of positive things, especially personally...but I hate that the A was a precipitator of that. I wish I could say these things without having fucked up so royally.

Positives:

1. I am way more self aware - of my behaviors, words, etc. I can see improvements that have come from that in every relationship that I have.

2. I accept others for who they are and I don't try and control their narrative or how they "should" feel.

3. I don't take things other people do personally. There were always things that hurt my feelings, or if I couldn't please someone it would throw off my feelings or day. Now, I can fully recognize people do things because of them, not because of me. They are responsible for their happiness, and I can only do what I can reasonably do.

4. I am so grateful for everything I have. I enjoy the smallest things with the greatest pleasure. I am present more than ever and I can see it's direct result on my joy.

5. I tell people no. I do things that I want to do from my heart and leave "obligation" out of it. This allows me to preserve my energy for things that matter to me - like spending time with my husband.

6. I run. I never ran before in my life. I started doing it to cope with all my overwhelming feelings. Now, its because it keeps my energy up, makes me feel great, lets me practice perseverance, gives me confidence, and I feel so healthy and balanced. I don't know if you ever watched "Brittany runs a marathon", its a comedy but it's also a good depiction on how it changed every aspect of her life. I feel that way too. And, there is something about knowing what your body is capable of that is very empowering.

7. I live authentically, which allows me to feel "seen" and it allows me to "see" others because they connect with me so much better when I am not people pleasing but being me.

8. My relationship with my husband is richer, deeper, more intimate, more connected, more intentional, more loving, more appreciative. I have learned we best experience love by giving and I get a lot of joy out of giving to him and taking care of him.

9. I have learned to talk to myself as if I am my own friend. My self-talk is encouraging, forgiving, and loving. This was a hard won accomplishment, and I still have my days. But, it creates an abundance of energy, love, and wellness that allows me to give to others, especially H.

10. I am more humble and less judgmental. I am softer, more compassionate towards others.

I could go on but those are the major ones. After a few years of crisis, the A, depression, rebuilding, etc...I can just honestly say that I do feel glad good came out of it. Again, I would take the A back if I could, but I can't. But, flowers grow in ashes, and life has to keep moving forward and we get to choose what that looks like to a certain extent or at least we get to choose how we want to exist in all of it.

Darkness Falls posted 10/4/2019 10:05 AM

I learned that I was good at taking responsibility for and not blaming others for my fuckups.

I learned that divorce (without kids at the time) and being single and responsible for myself wasn’t the scary thing I feared it would be. I learned I was capable of being alone and capable of taking care of myself.

Those were VERY positive. Too bad I fucked it up by not STAYING divorced until I met someone more compatible.

hikingout posted 10/4/2019 10:08 AM

Not on my end either....maybe that I became a better person but that sounds selfish.

I don't think that sounds selfish. I would think that a BS would WANT to be married to a person who became a better person rather than to stay married to the same type of person who cheated on them.

I honestly think that the better person thing isn't just for you, it's for your kids, your husband, your other relationships...and it's perfectly acceptable that it's for YOU too! I don't think it's anyone's goal in life to be miserable forever, or to punish themselves forever. If nothing at all good comes from the bad then you have to wonder what all the pain was for. Just my two cents - also I had been wondering about you, good to see you Pink.

Chaos posted 10/4/2019 10:31 AM

As a result of his LTA? No. I am a shell of my former self. Still BASGU – but everything is somehow tainted.

For WH – he has started intensive [and routine] IC this spring and I have noticed some changes in him for the better.

I have indulged in more self-care. I have learned self-care is not selfish. I am doing things I want to do for me. Honestly – that isn’t a direct result of his LTA but an indirect one. You all see, that was always my plan/intent as my children got older and responsibility level them got less [carpooling, etc.] – I’d then have the time to indulge myself a bit more.

That being said – I resent the reason I had to do this. It wasn’t a natural progression. It was sanity preservation. I hope in time I can reframe my thinking FROM “I am taking this 20 min to savor this cup of coffee and enjoy the solitude” only to cry on the way home because my WH got himself a LTAP and my life was a lie for years and how could this happen and …… TO “I am taking this 20 min to savor this cup of coffee and enjoy the solitude” because I am worth it.

DaddyDom posted 10/4/2019 10:32 AM

The biggest, personal positive outcome(s) for me so far have been that I finally ended up getting the therapy I needed, and doing so has begun to change my life.

I now have a much better idea of who I really am, and why.

I understand my motives and reasoning better, and I am learning to look inward to understand my emotions and feelings.

While it is still a work in progress, I have let go of a lot of the "victim mentality" that I carried around most of my life, and started to let the past be in the past, rather than an identity for me now in the present.

I am much more conscious and in control of my relationships and interactions with other people. My work life has begun to take off because of this, and I am starting to integrate compassion and empathy and compassion in all my dealings with other people.

I understand better not only who I am, but who I want to be, and what I want/need in life to be happy and healthy.

I have learned to be grateful for the good things in life. I have also started to learn some self-compassion. These things are invaluable.

There are a lot of things on HikingOut's list that I am working on but have had less success with so far. No worries, I know I am work in progress, and will get there eventually.

Alonelyagain posted 10/4/2019 10:33 AM

I divorced my now XWW. My positive is a much better relationship with my 3 kids.

landclark posted 10/4/2019 11:01 AM

I don't have a lot of positives right now, but this is all still pretty fresh for me (less than two months from the last TT). I have talked to my IC and a friend about the possible upsides of all this. What can I take away from it that allows me to grow and be stronger. So it has been on my mind.

I would say one of the biggest positives right now is that now I know why my relationship has sucked for the past few years. Now I know I wasn't losing my mind when I suspected him cheating, even early in our relationship. Now I know that his lack of interest in me wasn't my fault, but was due to his immature, cheating ways. Now I know where a lot of his money was going (thousands and thousands on online porn, refilling minutes on a secret phone, and who knows what else).

It sounds weird, but it's good to know that I wasn't just being a crazy, untrusting person like he made me out to be.

Also, I am better at identifying what I need. Getting better about demanding what I need. I no longer want to be somebody's doormat.

Any other positives remain to be seen, but I think there will be some other positives, no matter the ultimate outcome. I'm hopeful in that way.

DebraVation posted 10/4/2019 11:28 AM

Positives - I finally realised my own value and that I don't NEED anyone else really. I will no longer tolerate any crap. And I think I have a more realistic view of the world now.

So there are positives.

Was it worth the cost though? No.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/4/2019 12:02 PM

Was it worth the cost though? No.

I know I am in the minority on this...but it was a cost I would pay 100 times more!!! My H was a broken man. The A was a symptom of his brokenness. He is healthy now...and WE have the healthiest M ever .

Would I have liked for my H to be healthy without having an A? OF COURSE!!! But that didn't happen. THIS is our reality...and THIS is what we need to deal with. We have...and we have gone through this to the other side...and let me tell you folks...it is BEAUTIFUL on this side !!!

survrus posted 10/4/2019 12:09 PM

I gained understanding and empathy for people who have been cheated on. I no longer saw the usual excuses and dismissive statements as OK.

Aubrie posted 10/4/2019 12:10 PM

maybe that I became a better person but that sounds selfish.

Speaking generally, cause I know there isn't just one wayward thinking the above quote. Why is it selfish to be a better person? Like hikingout said, fixing ourselves isn't just for us, but for our spouses, (if they stay) our children, our families, friends, whatever. Everyone around you is affected by the changes that you make. How is making oneself a healthier, better person selfish?

Also, to piggyback on that thought cause this often goes hand in hand, is being proud of the fact you're a better person a bad thing? We should be proud of the "new me". (Don't get me wrong. I realize just how difficult it is, fresh from Dday, deep in the trenches.) But you can get to a point where you're proud of your progress and who you are. Pride isn't always a bad thing guys. You are allowed to feel good about things. You are allowed to celebrate your progress. You are allowed to feel accomplished. You are allowed to be happy.

I'm not saying go waltzing in front of your BS, super pumped about your progress and expect a confetti bomb and a dance party. More times than not they don't care because obviously we are the source of the pain they're in. That doesn't mean you cannot be proud of you or that you cannot be happy or celebrate your positives.

(Apologies for the slight derailment ff4152)

gmc94 posted 10/4/2019 12:56 PM

I have some moments of positivity, mostly about becoming more empathetic, which I think has helped me relate to my DD better. And others, too - even my WH.

I also know that an A has ZERO to do with the BS or the M - a fiction I bought into before my own dday.

Those moments are not much consolation for my life and basic reality being blown to smithereens by the only man I've ever trusted or allowed myself to become vulnerable with. I am working on myself in deeper ways than my last round of therapy, though I really do believe a lot of this work would have occurred w/o the "bonus" of an LTA (or WH's suicide attempt) had my WH had the courage to do IC years and years ago when I asked or later BEGGED him to do IC/MC in the years just before and weeks just after the sex started. But, I can't turn the clock back on therapy any more than I can on the LTA. I did what I could and my reality was later obliterated.

I worry that I won't live long enough to ever get to a place of full healing and peace. I think it's a lot harder with a WH that doesn't have the wherewithal to provide the emotional support a BS needs.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:57 PM, October 4th, 2019 (Friday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/4/2019 14:02 PM

I was the starter of the thread in General (I think it was mine) and this was exactly what I was looking for:

maybe that I became a better person but that sounds selfish.

And you said it Aubrie:

Speaking generally, cause I know there isn't just one wayward thinking the above quote. Why is it selfish to be a better person?

Maybe this is something for waywards to think about: everything people wrote on the post in general is about THEM. There is NOTHING BAD about becoming a better person - being focused on yourself is not necessarily a bad thing. The point of the thread was to talk about what positives FOR YOU occurred as a result of infidelity that were not directly related to the infidelity (aka - the response "I found out my WS was a lying cheating bastard" or whatever negative thing someone wanted to say was not what I was looking for).

For me, my response was that I am now less conflict avoidant and less afraid of not controlling the outcome in my life in general. That and I appreciate Truth more than I ever did and I understand consequences of actions more than I ever did. I am not perfect and never have been, and this experience has made me look at some of my own behaviors that I needed to change.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:48 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

Sadwife53 posted 10/4/2019 14:17 PM

So many positives...
1. My WH finally stopped drinking. AA and therapy have helped him become the person who he should have always been- much more loving, spiritual, self aware and content. Almost miraculous really.
2. His newfound sobriety, humility and patience helped inspire my sons’ sobriety. The way their lives have turned around is again almost miraculous. Bad choices have devastating ripple effects, but good choice have restoring ripple effects.
3. I’ve become so much more aware of my wants and feelings. My soul was crushed but I was able to rebuild it stronger. I’ve learned to be more deliberate in how I chose to live my life. I no longer take shit from anyone.
4. When the pain was fresh I hated to hear others say it, but I can now say with all honestly that my marriage is better. I feel more loved than I have in decades. We spend more time together and are more open with each other than we were capable of when we were younger. We appreciate each other like never before.

ff4152 posted 10/4/2019 14:48 PM

Thank you all for your replies.

One of the things that the aftermath has done for me is opened my eyes and allowed me to see that there are other people in this world. With wants and needs just as important as mine. It cannot always be about what’s best for ff; other people have to be taken into account as well.

Along with that is I’m better able to view things from other peoples perspectives, in particular my wife. I never really stopped to think how my actions would really impact her. It’s something that I still struggle with but am getting a little better at it every day.

This awful experience has made me a better person. I just wish it hadn’t taken doing something as awful as this to get there.

DB19 posted 10/4/2019 14:56 PM

I am not responsible for boosting his ego anymore. And I don't have to support his deadbeat ass anymore. OH! And I don't have to interact with his toxic family anymore!!

That is probably not the type of response you were looking for, but there it is.