Finally done and dusted

Hi all,

I posted here in 2015 when my husband cheated with a friend and then I found myself back here in March 2023 when he did it again. That was when I filed for divorce.

Anyway, it's taken a loooong time. Anyone who claims you can get a divorce in 6 months in the UK is having a laugh, especially when there are kids involved and some debate over finances. And then you have to factor in house sales falling through and other hiccups along the way.

Anyway - the divorce was final at the start of May, I moved on Friday and the house sale was completed today. We are all finished apart from one pension still to be moved. I am gradually switching everything back to my maiden name.

We were still living in the same house until Friday. And honestly - it was fine. After being in a rage for a couple of months I eventually found I didn't really care. And even when the divorce came through, and when I moved out I felt very little. I think because I had mentally left as soon as he cheated again. I did all my crying the first time around.

We are civil. he borrowed my car today to clear the remaining things from the house. It's all fine. I think he's a fool. I think he'll struggle without me. I don't wish him any good or any bad because I just don't care enough about it. I think I would mind if he replaced me very quickly - not because I want him back though.

Best wishes to everyone else going through this.

x

6 comments posted: Monday, June 24th, 2024

Suddenly he decides to be awkward over money

I am annoyed. We have had various conversations over the last two and and a half months about the financial settlement.

He wants to do it ourselves and not get lawyers involved. I consulted two different solicitors and have engaged one to act for me - he has only had a free 20 mins with one solicitor and thinks that's enough.

I thought he understood - and both solicitors told me this - that we need to 'level' our house-buying capacity by looking at what mortgage we can each get and then making a lump sum payment (to me). I have shown him the workings on my laptop several times. Verbally, he agreed £70k to me.

However, last night when I tried to pin him down about it because time is ticking and I am the only one pushing to get anything done on this divorce - he looked at the numbers and said no - and that we'd have to get lawyers involved.

The numbers I have put down include updated mortgage figures that I have obtained (not him) by putting our figures into our current bank's mortgage application tool. The difference now was approx £125k - so need net payment to me of £63k to level it.

I have also used a figure of £34k for my earnings - this is a job I don't even have yet but is what I'd earn as a full time teacher. I could have put zero.

So I have sent a copy to my solicitor and an enquiry to a mediator.

I am so annoyed - he hasn't even asked for all his pension numbers yet, he's requested two out of his four pensions. He has looked at ONE house.

So now it is going to take months from this point probably. I am away for four weeks in Summer which I wouldn't have booked if I's known this was going to happen. So realistically, I'll be starting mediation in Sep, with a credit card debt from being away, and all this will drag into next year and clash horribly with son's GCSE exams.

I am happy to go to court because I'm confident that I am right. I haven't even asked for spousal support which I could do. But everything (selling this place, looking for something else) is now back on hold. All because he won't engage or move anything forward (he is like this with everything, not just the divorce, I am always the main driver).

Good news (if there is any) is that I am back on the infidelity 'not feeling like eating due to stress levels' diet.

17 comments posted: Saturday, June 17th, 2023

Told the children

Today we told the children that we are divorcing. We went with the fairly standard script of 'we don't love each other any more, we will be living quite close by, we both love them'....etc. I haven't yet told them the real reason for the divorce - WH is adamant it won't do them any good. He also doesn't want to be the ;bad guy' because it's also my fault (!). I think it would be best to tell them some of it - obviously without the sordid details - because they have questions (they're 11 and 15, they're not young kids) and I also think it will come out eventually anyway.

I think we should tell them, once they've processed this first bit. He is adamant we shouldn't. I am nervous about going against his wishes because we are all still living together. It could get very difficult.

Any experiences?

13 comments posted: Monday, May 29th, 2023

Anyone recently divorced in.the UK?

Hi, Wh and I have filed for divorce this week. We have done it through the new (2022) no-fault divorce route and filed it jointly online. He filled in his part yesterday.

So far so good.

Now the tricky bit - the finances. For assets such as the house and savings it is pretty straightforward - value them and split it. Likewise the child support because the government gives a formula for working out the minimum amount.

BUT when it comes to pensions, how did people calculate this? I have a reasonable pension but his will be more than mine. Do you need to get a solicitor involved at this point, or will the mediator help if we get one? Or if we ask for a Financial settlement does the court calculate it?

Have you taken a share of the pension and transferred it to your name, or offset it against other assets and netted them off?

Likewise, spousal support? Is there even such a thing? Again would the court calculate this?

Thank you in advance.

It is meant to be a new straightforward system but I have no clue what to do with these couple of things.

4 comments posted: Saturday, April 8th, 2023

Again 8 years later?

I think I just found out again after 8 years earlier on today, I posted a long message but it wouldn't let me, I'm not sure why. If this posts, I'll add more detail!

97 comments posted: Friday, April 7th, 2023

Filed yesterday

Just saying hi as I sent in the first online form for a divorce yesterday after catching WH for the second time on 25th March. I filled it in as a joint application, it's now gone to him to complete on his side. He will mess around right up to the deadline (he has two weeks to respond). All being well, it could be done in 6 months.

Next step is agreeing money and childcare. I don't think he'll be awkward over splitting our assets. I think it could get muddier over pensions and spousal support. Also childcare. He said yesterday he'd be happy with 50:50 but he's never here!!! He's always out. He has some nerve, he's left me alone with those kids for years.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, April 5th, 2023

Evidence of adultery - UK

Hi, I recently caught my OH cheating for the second time. 8 years ago we reconciled, this time I won't.

My question is - do I need clear irrefutable evidence of adultery to divorce on that basis in the UK? I don't have anything except what he's told me. He got a parking ticket in a hotel but he took that out of my hands and it vanished. I am trying to contact the parking company to get a copy but they're impossible to get hold of, no direct number etc.

If I file, he is the type of person who might deny it. He is very image conscious and won't want to be seen as the bad guy. But if he fights it it could get expensive.

Would. you still file citing adultery or go down a different route?

2 comments posted: Friday, March 31st, 2023

Sane New World - Taming the Mind (Ruby Wax)

I just finished this book, I like Ruby Wax anyway but I was interested to read her perspective on how she's dealt wither depression and breakdown.

It's really entertaining and easy to read, and gives a very clear explanation of the brain's structure and how different parts form different types of thinking - and how a 'crossed wire' between the different parts can give rise to problematic thinking.

She recommends mindfulness to deal with intrusive thoughts and so on - I am still struggling with this but will keep trying! I am wary of 'rugsweeping' and I know I need to work through my thoughts and feelings but I would also like to find a way to 'switch off' sometimes so that I can stop wallowing and actually get something done!

It doesn't specifically cover infidelity but did give me some food for thought.

0 comment posted: Tuesday, November 29th, 2016