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DebraVation

Switching off from wayward's problems - how to?

I am well down the path of divorce, three and a half months after DDay2. Progress is slow (we still don't have a financial agreement etc - we are working on it) but it's going along.

I immediately filed and 'switched off' from WH as much as I can. We are still living in the same house etc so this is tricky but I was doing well. WH got very funny about money a few weeks ago, backtracking from what we'd verbally agreed and saying I'd have to go to court etc, and we had a big blow up so fair to say any sympathy etc on my side had dissipated at that point.

He was looking at buying our house jointly with his parents (they sell their house and move in here).

However, it now seems this arrangement is off. They 'had a bust up' in his words and now won't be living together so he is back to looking at houses on his own. His whole demeanour has changed and he is quite down. I do not know what the argument was about (his mum is a nightmare - there is no way I would. entertain living with her and I have cut them off totally since this happened). He's gone from thinking the kids would want to live here in this house with him a lot of the time (they would have) to looking at houses further away that I know they won't want to live in. I know I am going to come out of this divorce a lot better and happier than he is (I am also looking at buying with my parents and so will still be near the kids school etc and in a nice house).

He started talking about 'bird nesting' this week - I don't know if you are familiar with it but you keep the family home and rent a small flat or something nearby, then the parents take turns to live in the family home - the parents move between the flat and the house but the kids stay put. I can see the attraction of it - but I don't see it working long term (what if you get a new partner?) and I KNOW it would end up with me cleaning the toilets etc at two properties instead of one....so that's a no from me. I need to get out of here and not be surrounded by his stuff all the time. I want to ditch the clutter and start again. I see it would be a good arrangement for the kids but I don't think it would last anyway. Am I being selfish? I want to draw a clear line but is that best for the kids?

Sorry, that went a bit off topic - but my question is how do I switch off from worrying about his situation / his state of mind / what he's going to do...I will be fine. I think he's going to find it hard and this is just sinking in with him. I find it hard to think back to when he was being an arse and I thought hated him, I feel sorry for him again now. I DO NOT want him back, there is no danger of that. But how to stop worrying - part of me thinks 'well he's brought it on himself' but equally my kids are going to be living with him so I don't want him to be struggling or for them to have a crap room/house.

How to detach?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

Suddenly he decides to be awkward over money

I am annoyed. We have had various conversations over the last two and and a half months about the financial settlement.

He wants to do it ourselves and not get lawyers involved. I consulted two different solicitors and have engaged one to act for me - he has only had a free 20 mins with one solicitor and thinks that's enough.

I thought he understood - and both solicitors told me this - that we need to 'level' our house-buying capacity by looking at what mortgage we can each get and then making a lump sum payment (to me). I have shown him the workings on my laptop several times. Verbally, he agreed £70k to me.

However, last night when I tried to pin him down about it because time is ticking and I am the only one pushing to get anything done on this divorce - he looked at the numbers and said no - and that we'd have to get lawyers involved.

The numbers I have put down include updated mortgage figures that I have obtained (not him) by putting our figures into our current bank's mortgage application tool. The difference now was approx £125k - so need net payment to me of £63k to level it.

I have also used a figure of £34k for my earnings - this is a job I don't even have yet but is what I'd earn as a full time teacher. I could have put zero.

So I have sent a copy to my solicitor and an enquiry to a mediator.

I am so annoyed - he hasn't even asked for all his pension numbers yet, he's requested two out of his four pensions. He has looked at ONE house.

So now it is going to take months from this point probably. I am away for four weeks in Summer which I wouldn't have booked if I's known this was going to happen. So realistically, I'll be starting mediation in Sep, with a credit card debt from being away, and all this will drag into next year and clash horribly with son's GCSE exams.

I am happy to go to court because I'm confident that I am right. I haven't even asked for spousal support which I could do. But everything (selling this place, looking for something else) is now back on hold. All because he won't engage or move anything forward (he is like this with everything, not just the divorce, I am always the main driver).

Good news (if there is any) is that I am back on the infidelity 'not feeling like eating due to stress levels' diet.

17 comments posted: Saturday, June 17th, 2023

Told the children

Today we told the children that we are divorcing. We went with the fairly standard script of 'we don't love each other any more, we will be living quite close by, we both love them'....etc. I haven't yet told them the real reason for the divorce - WH is adamant it won't do them any good. He also doesn't want to be the ;bad guy' because it's also my fault (!). I think it would be best to tell them some of it - obviously without the sordid details - because they have questions (they're 11 and 15, they're not young kids) and I also think it will come out eventually anyway.

I think we should tell them, once they've processed this first bit. He is adamant we shouldn't. I am nervous about going against his wishes because we are all still living together. It could get very difficult.

Any experiences?

13 comments posted: Monday, May 29th, 2023

Everything still moving on towards 'the big D'

Afternoon, I haven't posted on here for a few weeks as there hasn't been that much to report. I've posted this in General as I don't know if I still qualify as JFO (DDay 2 was towards the end of March).

Progress is being made but slowly. I filed for divorce. I have had one meeting with a solicitor and I have a different one scheduled for this Friday then I will decide which to use. The first one was okay but I wasn't sure if we 'gelled' if that makes sense - there were a few things I felt he was talking me down on or trying to dissuade me from and I just want to run it past a different solicitor to see what they say. If that's the reality then fine and I will accept it but I don't want to be 12 months down the line and regretting that I didn't ask for something because I was talked out of it.

We have made some progress on financials. So far, WH is being worryingly reasonable. He started with a mindset of just divide everything 50:50 but I told him I needed more and that his capacity to borrow and future earnings are much higher than mine. I gave him a figure and he verbally agreed. He hasn't seen a lawyer yet so we'll see if he changes his tune. I won't back down because I could actually ask for more, although I don't really want to end up in court, We'll see what happens.

WH is being his usual slow and disorganised self. He has a brief (free) phone call with a solicitor on Friday but that won't go through any details.

I have got my pensions figures apart from one which is in progress. He has only just this weekend asked for his pensions numbers from two of his pensions but he has a third that he hasn't requested yet....honestly it's painful and I am prodding him along at every step.

We got the house valued and we have a couple more valuations this week (all organised by me). It is coming in approx £50k more than we estimated so that is good.

WH meanwhile still thinks he can buy me out, despite the house value going up and him paying me more....there is no way he can do it (and I don't honestly understand why he is so set on it - apart from being too lazy to move) but that's his business I suppose. It's just slow...he needs to speak to a mortgage advisor who will tell him he can't do it.

I am feeling fine and making plans although it's hard to do because nothing is firm yet. I still don't have a job for September so I need to sort that out.

The other worry is that the kids still don't know - we are telling them at the start of the half term break in three weeks time because exams will be finished then. I don't think they will take it well. I also don't know how they will feel about the 50:50 childcare arrangement. WH wants this and I have said I am willing to give it a go IF the kids are happy with it. If they aren't I will fight it. I have been keeping a log of his movements and in the past 22 days he has been away overnight or out in the evening 15 times so I do not know how he thinks he is going to manage it.

He is really in dreamland about a lot of things.

We did have a maddening conversation about telling the kids which turned into a blaming session. He feels that 'his truth is different to my truth' and that I made him feel 'trapped'. That's why he did it. I told him I am his wife not a dictatorial state and that he was free to leave any time if he felt trapped. And that he should have respectfully asked for a divorce NOT done this again. Interestingly, we've had the usual begging about wanting to stay together as well (apparently it's ME that has chosen 'this path', i.e. to divorce and thereby hurt the kids)so I can't have been that bad after all if he's prepared to stay and give it another try?

Anyway my conclusion from that was that there is no point talking to him further. We can get along fine generally, we are still living in the same house. I need to avoid these crazy-making chats at all costs, focus on business like discussions, get the money I need and then get out of here. As quickly as I can drag him through the process!

4 comments posted: Monday, May 8th, 2023

Anyone recently divorced in.the UK?

Hi, Wh and I have filed for divorce this week. We have done it through the new (2022) no-fault divorce route and filed it jointly online. He filled in his part yesterday.

So far so good.

Now the tricky bit - the finances. For assets such as the house and savings it is pretty straightforward - value them and split it. Likewise the child support because the government gives a formula for working out the minimum amount.

BUT when it comes to pensions, how did people calculate this? I have a reasonable pension but his will be more than mine. Do you need to get a solicitor involved at this point, or will the mediator help if we get one? Or if we ask for a Financial settlement does the court calculate it?

Have you taken a share of the pension and transferred it to your name, or offset it against other assets and netted them off?

Likewise, spousal support? Is there even such a thing? Again would the court calculate this?

Thank you in advance.

It is meant to be a new straightforward system but I have no clue what to do with these couple of things.

4 comments posted: Saturday, April 8th, 2023

Again 8 years later?

I think I just found out again after 8 years earlier on today, I posted a long message but it wouldn't let me, I'm not sure why. If this posts, I'll add more detail!

97 comments posted: Friday, April 7th, 2023

Filed yesterday

Just saying hi as I sent in the first online form for a divorce yesterday after catching WH for the second time on 25th March. I filled it in as a joint application, it's now gone to him to complete on his side. He will mess around right up to the deadline (he has two weeks to respond). All being well, it could be done in 6 months.

Next step is agreeing money and childcare. I don't think he'll be awkward over splitting our assets. I think it could get muddier over pensions and spousal support. Also childcare. He said yesterday he'd be happy with 50:50 but he's never here!!! He's always out. He has some nerve, he's left me alone with those kids for years.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, April 5th, 2023

Evidence of adultery - UK

Hi, I recently caught my OH cheating for the second time. 8 years ago we reconciled, this time I won't.

My question is - do I need clear irrefutable evidence of adultery to divorce on that basis in the UK? I don't have anything except what he's told me. He got a parking ticket in a hotel but he took that out of my hands and it vanished. I am trying to contact the parking company to get a copy but they're impossible to get hold of, no direct number etc.

If I file, he is the type of person who might deny it. He is very image conscious and won't want to be seen as the bad guy. But if he fights it it could get expensive.

Would. you still file citing adultery or go down a different route?

2 comments posted: Friday, March 31st, 2023

Why do I care about the details?

This weekend I had DDay 2. First time round, I literally fell apart for months. This time, I am calmer and still functioning.

Last time, it was a friend of ours and I needed EVERY detail of everything. We were trying to reconcile but I went over and over it constantly.

This time - I don't think I know the OW, at least that's what he said. I feel like I've mentally checked out and I don't need every single detail of everything. But I would still like to know how / when it started, and who she is.

He asked why do I care?

And it's a good question. But I am bothered. But why?

I think partly because I feel like I've been made a fool of again and I try to work out when he was with her, and what I thought he was doing. I hate that feeling. But what about the rest of it?

18 comments posted: Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Sane New World - Taming the Mind (Ruby Wax)

I just finished this book, I like Ruby Wax anyway but I was interested to read her perspective on how she's dealt wither depression and breakdown.

It's really entertaining and easy to read, and gives a very clear explanation of the brain's structure and how different parts form different types of thinking - and how a 'crossed wire' between the different parts can give rise to problematic thinking.

She recommends mindfulness to deal with intrusive thoughts and so on - I am still struggling with this but will keep trying! I am wary of 'rugsweeping' and I know I need to work through my thoughts and feelings but I would also like to find a way to 'switch off' sometimes so that I can stop wallowing and actually get something done!

It doesn't specifically cover infidelity but did give me some food for thought.

0 comment posted: Tuesday, November 29th, 2016

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