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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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Lostheart8 posted 11/6/2019 09:07 AM

As usual Ellie hits the humor on the head. We need some of that soap for our trip.

20yrs. When I was talking to WBF weeks ago, I told him why donít we have an open relationship? He agreed BUT I couldnít hold hands, kiss, fondle and oral physical sex was off the table. Huh? WTF? Oh, so you donít want to share me. But itís ok to share himself. Asshole.

Yeah, open relationships is bullshit. Moving that out.

SOS sort of jealous you got flowers. I hate to say it, I wish dickhead would acknowledge me. But youíre right - itís empty. So Iím trying not to be jealous.

Youíre right. The money would be better spent on therapy. But flowers are easier, right? You donít have to look at your junk.

Have a great hair cut!

Hi daisy - good to hear from you.

Somber - great thoughts. With time and distance Iím realizing that there was mild emotional abuse going on in my relationship. I never realized how it creeps in and you slowly start to shift yourself. I can see now how I walked on egg shells never too sure how he would react. Didnít see it clearly, but felt something was off...but didnít know what was off. Itís a slippery slope of manipulation.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/6/2019 10:08 AM

Yes, that explanation of CoD vs. trauma bonding making sense. I get not being aware of the abuse. I didn't realize I had suffered abuse trauma in my childhood until I was on my 40s. I reacted in the opposite way from trauma bonding, though, I guess. I got angry and lashed out.

I had PTSD from my fch's cheating and lies. It took 3 or 4 years, but I finally had EMDR and it was gone!

2oyears, no, my fch never brought up an open M. He would never! That goes against all of his good catholic upbringing sensitivities. 🤪

EllieKMAS posted 11/6/2019 10:30 AM

Pfffft. Catholic... I am that too. They are a screwy bunch.

Yeah mine tried to have the "open marriage" discussion too. Cus you know, he wanted to "date" other women (actually what he said to me was, "I want to have meaningful romantic relationships with other women and you better just get on board with that idea".) WTF-ever dude. You couldn't even handle ONE woman and ONE relationship and you SUCK at romance-anything and you think you're going to turn into some kind of Lothario?? Fuckin seriously - what color is the sky in his world???? GTFO asshat.

Truly, I am shocked I did not kill or maim his dumb ass in the last year. I think I exercised remarkable restraint.

PS - DDay1 anniversary is tomorrow... feeling very antsy about it.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/6/2019 14:29 PM


The CoD label stops people from looking for the actual cause, so people donít get appropriate help

sickofsurviving posted 11/6/2019 15:32 PM

Ooohh Ellie. I hated dday 1 anniversary. Try to plan ahead. Do something just for you. Whatever gives you peace right now.

I was "raised" catholic, too. Mostly that just means I remember Father Art getting drunk with my parents and their friends in the basement.

Thankfully my cheater never asked for an open marriage. Had he been well and truly caught in 2007, I bet things would have been different.

Well the haircut was ok. It's pretty close, and will be cuter when it grows out some. It's just a little frustrating because its significantly shorter than I wanted. Oh well...back to letting it grow out. I feel better. Less like I live in a truck.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/6/2019 15:39 PM

Pffft. Catholic... I am that too. They are a screwy bunch.

Yes, they are. I think he has become less and less catholic over the years.

heartbroken83 posted 11/6/2019 16:26 PM

Hi guys, I have been super busy and haven't been able to post but have been reading. As always you guys are hilarious.

Hubby and I are in a really good place after having the worse argument ever about a month ago. We have been great, I guess we needed that. Him asking for an "open relationship" would go against all of our religious beliefs so I don't think he would ever throw that out there. But then again I never thought a minister would cheat on his wife so what do I know?

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am antsy about it. Our anniversary was so bad because he didn't know what to do and now I'm not sure what to expect. Trying not to expect anything that way I won't be disappointed but that is hard. I usually get a cake that my kids make and edible arrangements from hubby...so we will see

20yrsagoBS posted 11/6/2019 16:42 PM

Happy Almost Birthday Heartbroken!

I hope it turns out fabulous!

Tallgirl posted 11/6/2019 17:09 PM

Happy Birthday!!! I hope you feel special.

Antiversary. Yah. That was not fun.

I told him not to call or text. We had just separated. He texted and called. Then it was our 25th anniversary the next week. Same ask. He didnít listen again.

Be as busy as you can. It helps.

Hugs all.

gmc94 posted 11/6/2019 17:27 PM

On the CoD and PTSD thing, I think the Breecker/Osterlind/Minwalla folks have delved into this, and part of the whole "lets first focus on relational betrayal trauma" is bc they are very specific about not wanting to pathologize a BS for their response to having their world blown apart. I can't remember if it's stuff I've read, is in the podcast, or both. In any event, I wholeheartedly agree that calling a BS CoD because of their completely understandable responses to the betrayal is bullshit. (Ellie- I now challenge you to find a mug or candle or socks for that! )

Was the lunar/solar vortex in flux yesterday or what? My adult DD had a meltdown after I drive her 3 hours away. Apparently speaking in her presence "makes it all about" me, and i drove back alone while she spent the night and got public transit home today. Major drama.

SOS - I didn't get flowers. I got a "surprise" birthday party. Basically, had to lie for my WH (again) so that he could throw a party I didn't want, with $ we don't have, so he can feel better about himself (and tho I am not 100% CoD free like Coco, my WH sits atop the Mt. Everest of CoD). Hard (or sorry?) to believe that as we approach the 2yr mark he still hasn't figured out that this "acts of service" are not service to anyone other than his own need to convince himself of what a "good guy" he is. I get it - I mistook it for his "love" for me for more than 25 years! He know the birthday gift I want is him fixing his own shit... but that's too hard, so hello party! Yes, it was a sweet gesture. No, I do not feel any more trusting or healed or loved because of it.

BBE: I worry about you (is that CoD? ) Be careful. Be selfish. Be SAFE <3

Now, on another note. I'm not sure how to say this w/o coming off harsh and ungrateful -so I hope folks can accept the awkward wording with the spirit of true questioning and desire for connection:

Is it just me or is SI kind of slow or unenlightening lately (this thread obviously excluded)? For old(er) timers, if it's not 'just' me, is this a cycle you've seen? I honestly can't tell if it's that the things I seek are changing, or if it feels different. Call it my constantly curious personality, but I probably focus on comments from WS 60-70% of the time (like a part of me is still searching for some understanding of what makes those suckers tick - I KNOW it's futile, but I cannot seem to stop the strong streak of Hermoine Granger in my soul). So it may be this feeling stems from that forum being kind of stagnant (and part of that is also the dearth of WH posting there bunch of regular WWs, but not much from the side that can suffer from the soft serves, KWIM?). Then I wonder if it's that right now I need a different kind of nourishment - something that SI cannot provide? Maybe both? Something else? Is this is my higher power telling me to just file the damn D papers and move into another phase of this shit show? I grow so impatient with all of this. I feel like I simultaneously know that my WH will never change in any meaningful way - enough for me to feel confident that staying M is healthy for me AND that I am really not ready to pull the plug on D (and I cannot even differentiate if that 'not ready' is practical? emotional? both? lazy? scared? something else?) Sigh. Wish I had a joke (hey Ellie! Help a sister!)

Just wondering if others experience this and what reflections came?

EllieKMAS posted 11/6/2019 19:32 PM

*Drops mic
BOOM. Nailed it!

SI has been kinda meh lately, but I have also been kinda meh. I hate the holidays anyways before all this, so really not looking forward to them this year.

gmc, I unfortunately don't have many jokes for you about the other. But I will just say... what do YOU want? And is your h ever going to be the person that can do that?

R is fine, but if you know in your soul that the changes you need are never gonna happen, then D is a perfectly acceptable choice. Either way, make the best choice for yourself.

Sending you lots of hugs!

PS, we need dis for our womenz trip

gmc94 posted 11/6/2019 20:21 PM


I'm cool with D being an acceptable choice. If there's one thing I am crystal clear about is that it is 100% ok to D a cheater.

I think I need to be clear about it taking as long as it takes for me to KNOW that I'm completely done. I'm more like eyeballing the silverware drawer, but can't quite bring myself to pull the fork out and stick it in, KWIM?

Dealing with addict DD is adding another dimension to all of it. Our coparenting isn't great, but I do believe adding D to the mix won't help right now. sigh.

Tallgirl posted 11/6/2019 20:42 PM

GMC, it is a bit slower. I find when I pop into The wayward forum, itís repeat or the same threads are moving slowly...

Is there a BWT trip? That would be cool.

I just booked a trip to Morocco 🇲🇦 for next year. Crazy cheap. So excited cuz I am going to CasaBlanca and we will camp in the Sahara for a night.

It was meant to be. A friend called me at work but missed me, I called back when they were on the phone booking the trip. It was one of those flash deals. If I had called back 5 mins later I would have missed it. She told me you have 5 seconds to decide. This is So great.

I think I need to try that tactic about WH. D or R...... and it is !?!?

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:44 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 11/6/2019 21:08 PM

TG go back about 8-10 pages - we were kinda thinking of trying to organize a womenz trip.

I am jealous tho - Morrocco... amazing!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 11/6/2019 21:17 PM

Iím still down to plan the womenís trip! Sorry Iíve been MIA guys itís a particularly busy month for me at work. Itís on my mind though!

Thoughts were the Carolinas, I think Coco said crystal coast? (I could be very wrong on that, I donít know east coast very well)

Also, I believe Ellie said she would need to do it in May after tax returns, and coco said federal holidays are easier because her husband can help with the kiddos, so I was thinking itís looking like Memorial Day most likely? Could be a pretty crazy time at the beach, might require some serious planning in advance

20yrsagoBS posted 11/7/2019 05:21 AM

Iím game! Just let me know where to go. If itís brachytherapy, be forewarned, my legs look disgusting in a bathing suit!

But I love swimming, sand, and sun

DaisyAnne posted 11/7/2019 07:00 AM

TG, Morocco sounds amazing!

Happy Birthday HB!!! Hope you have a fabulous day celebrating YOU!

I had a... I don't know... maybe a breakthrough this morning. He came back to bed after going to the gym early this morning to cuddle. He looked me in the eyes, told me how happy he is and that he loves me. I started to cry. But this time it was tears of happiness and joy. He was still loving and said he loves me during his A. So right after DDay, even though a part of me knows he loves me I also question how he can truly he love me if he could do this to me. But I feel it now. I can see it in his eyes, as he grabbed my face to kiss me this morning, but most importantly in his actions.

I know we have a long way to go. He still has a lot to do to earn my trust again. I am not healed, but I am healing. My eyes are open, guard is up. But I am happy to say I feel myself starting to heal.

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 7:11 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

sickofsurviving posted 11/7/2019 07:25 AM

Happy birthday HB! Hope you have a wonderful day!

Daisy, that sounds so good. I'm glad to hear you feel like you are healing. A great start to the day!

I feel like SI is going thru some kind of change. For me, it seems like there is only 1 person that posts on every thread. Has a very long opinion on everything. I need more diversity. Also, that poster drives me nuts with all the sanctimonious bullshit.

I feel like I cant be the only one put off. I think it's part of the SI cycle. There are sometimes people you connect with, and sometimes not. I just know I wish it would get on with this cycle!

Until then, I just roll my eyes, and stay here. I must confess tho, I have been reading more on other sites than here.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/7/2019 09:38 AM

Yes, it was me who said crystal coast. It's pretty much in the middle and not completely overrun by tourists. That also means there's not much night life. So, it depends on what everyone wants. Do we want more just chillin' on the beach and dinners and such at the rental? Or, do we want nice restaurants and clubs and dancing and drinks? There are lots of places from Delaware to Florida.

GMC, I think SI goes through cycles. I went through a period around year 3, I think, when I needed a break. I didn't visit SI for at least a year. When I came back, it seemed different. A lot more angry BHes. I don't remember that from before, but that wasn't my focus. If I think about the responses my fch got to some of his posts, I think those BHes have always been here. I don't read the wayward forum, so I don't know what goes on there.

Morocco! Jealous!

Daisy, good news!

Ellie, love the mug! No pineapples, though! Pineapples are for swingers.

Solar/lunar vortex, idk. I have been told it's vatta season, which drives us humans crazy because we do the opposite of what is natural. It's the season of introversion, shedding of the old (think leaves changing color and falling), hibernation, and we ramp everything up for the Holidays!

Also, mercury is in retrograde until the 20th, I believe. Apparently, that makes communication difficult. The things you learn when you hang out with a bunch of hippy, dippy yogis.

I'm sure I forgot something.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/7/2019 09:50 AM

Oh, yeah, CoD and AoS. That has been a major mindfuck for me with my fch.

We took the LL quiz many years ago. He got AoS. So, although it is not my LL, I did my best to recognize when he was doing it and accepting that it was his way of loving me.

Fast forward 14 years and to his cheating, come to find out that he's CoD. So, maybe AiS is not his true LL. Maybe all those times I thought he was expressing his LL, he was actually being CoD.

Now, he's learning to not be CoD. He has stopped a lot of his AoS. Does that mean he didn't love me before, or he doesn't love me now?

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