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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 16:27 PM

Dicktape should hurt the cheaters so they can get a sense of what they put us through

Lostheart8 posted 11/4/2019 16:51 PM

Say it again sister!

Hey crazyblind - loved your reply to the poster about not sleeping. Very touching.

earlydetour posted 11/4/2019 17:19 PM

Soft Serve Now when I order custard or soft frozen yogurt, I'll have this innuendo running through my head.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 18:04 PM

Eeew Soft Serve!

That could be our code word for Cheaters

Imagine having it engraved on t shirts, Mickey Ears, Christmas cards? Youíre in public, see that, and you instantly know heís a Wayward with ED!


Lostheart8 posted 11/4/2019 18:27 PM

Soft serve with a side order of dicktape

Cheaters should have to wear an item of shame. Soft serve is definitely one of them.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/5/2019 07:31 AM

Soft serve! 🤣

((SOS)) Thank goodness you did survive!

I'm definitely not CoD. I don't do shit for anyone unless I want to, and I don't expect anything in return. My fch is very CoD. It always irks me when I see people post about all BPs being CoD, and CPs not. There is one member who says that all the time! It is not always one way or the other.

There is no shame in being CoD. It's not like you choose to be that way. Most people aren't even aware that they are. It comes from childhood FOO, just like every other unhealthy coping skill. We all have at least one.

My fch is going to be gone all week.

sickofsurviving posted 11/5/2019 07:56 AM

Thanks Coco.

That CoD crap drives me batty. I truly never thought it was such a huge personality flaw til I started reading here. Almost everyone here is quick to slap that label on BS.

I think it gets confused with trauma. Or trauma bonding.

I get kind if frustrated sometimes. I get tired of the whole if you're not subscribing to the SI way, you're not healing. Or not healing right.

Like a post that said something about not trusting people who hate the AP. Are you kidding me? So we trust cheaters because they are sorry now, but hating the person that helped destroy your life, makes you untrustworthy.

Whatever...again it us what it is.

BigBlueEyes posted 11/5/2019 08:59 AM

Hey Womenz,

I'm back after an infection leading to another stay in Hospital,

Quite a bit has happened in the last couple weeks,

Short version, myself & STBXH has called a truce, between us friends/family/professionals we have things in place to protect & safeguard me & the kids, boundaries have been set.
We can concentrate on our healing without looking over our shoulders for the time being at least.

I know its not ideal but for me to survive this.. drastic measures had to be made.

Will try & catch up with everyone's news in the next few days.

Odonna posted 11/5/2019 09:20 AM

Read your own tag line BBB. Do NOT let yourself get sucked back in by this manipulative dangerous man! Keep NC at all times. Extricating yourself from what you acknowledge was ďhellĒ is not ďwarĒ and allowing yourself to be pulled back into his orbit is not anĒtruce.Ē

Read up on cognitive dissonance so you do not get brainwashed all over again by this very bad man!

Somber posted 11/5/2019 12:03 PM

((SOS)) wow the trauma you endured is heartbreaking! You are strong, keep going in the right direction ❤️

There is no shame in being CoD. It's not like you choose to be that way. Most people aren't even aware that they are.

Thanks Coco, I suppose I need to focus now on what to do since I have become aware that I indeed can be very CoD.

SOS, I also think it gets confused with trauma and trauma bonding as well. Personally, I think I suffer from all 3! I read up on both and place myself in all 3.

The poison leaves bit by bit, Iím trying to be patient as Iím healing. I know Iím not at fault for the faulty programming I picked up as a child but I feel I will be 100% at fault for not fixing it now...

Lostheart8 posted 11/5/2019 16:23 PM

Oh please this CoD thing. I swear everyone has it. Itís like the flu.

No offense to anyone yet on some level you do become CoD in. LTR. itís part of the dance. Yes thereís unhealthy forms of it but not all of it is ďCoDĒ.

Big blue. Sending you tons of hugs and love. You will find your way.

Coco are you worried about H being away for a week?

Sick of surviving - Iím with you. That bullshit around AP. Itís crap. We can trust who we want to. Itís our choice. They can take their righteous crap somewhere else.

Hope everyone had a good day.

EllieKMAS posted 11/5/2019 16:43 PM

Happy fuckin day

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/5/2019 20:44 PM

BBE, please, be careful!

That CoD crap drives me batty. I truly never thought it was such a huge personality flaw til I started reading here.

Pathological CoD can drive you crazy. I had no idea my fch was CoD or that it was a problem. I thought he was a very kind, caring, giving person. He wasn't giving anything, though. He was trying to control everything. It's a very dishonest way to be.

In a LTR, there should be healthy interdependence, but not codependence. The problem is, I think, a lot of people (maybe most?) don't know what healthy is. My fch learned the CoD and passive aggressiveness from his mother. He thought it was normal. I heard the stories before and thought it was bizarre. I told my fch to never act like that with me. I didn't connect the dots to his behavior until it was too late. In hindsight, it's so easy to see.

Explain how you think it gets confused with trauma and trauma bonding. I'm not sure I understand.

There are some SI members who are very rigid in their thinking. I probably can be sometimes. I missed comments about not trusting BPs who hate the APs. WTF?! I think I know what you're talking about, so I'll take a look. Pretty sure I posted in that earlier.

LH, I'm not worried in the least. I know my fch isn't going to do anything inappropriate. First, he just won't. Second, he's with his CO and a bunch of other coworkers. They aren't going to risk their careers. 3rd, if he does do something, I'll find out and it will be his end.

Ellie, where do you find these things? 🤣

Crazy day! Got fch off to Tennessee or wherever the hell he went. Went to coffee with friends last minute. Teen announced at 1:30 that he had to go to the dmv today! I had to pick up the 12yo and his friend first.

Just as I picked them up, friend's brother called crying saying he needed to go to the hospital. Rushed to their house. He was lying on the couch crying saying he couldn't move. He was hot and his left arm was spasming. I told brother to call mom and find out what she was doing because I was going to call 911. She was 5 minutes away and is a nurse, so I waited. Turns out the boy just has the flu. Thank goodness!

Spent an hour waiting at the dmv to find out I could do what needed to be done online. Did that and left before our number was called. At least I made it home in time for yoga.

Got home from yoga to an overflowed toilet and 3 fighting boys. Good times!

20yrsagoBS posted 11/5/2019 21:17 PM

One thing being on SI has taught m is how common so much past DDay is.

Did any of your WHs ask for an open marriage?

I told Cheater I wasnít interested

Tallgirl posted 11/5/2019 22:08 PM

Girls. It has been a long day.

Looks like it was not just me.

20 if my WH asked that it would echo off the walls of the empty room.

BBE welcome back. So glad to have you back here with us. Take care of you and yours. Be really careful, trust has not been earned and as we know Words are vapour.

I am behind in the goings on. So hugs to you all is my catch up 😊 and where is that wine!

sickofsurviving posted 11/6/2019 06:42 AM

Good morning ladies. How is everyone?

Coco, that day sounds like bedlam! Weird as it may be, I miss the chaos of the girls being home.

So, my cheater sent me flowers yesterday. There was a time I loved getting flowers. They are very pretty. I just don't even know what to say anymore. It would have meant so much more had he spent the money on therapy.

We quite literally do not speak to each other. Text only. Flowers wont fix that. Again...whatever.

I am going for a haircut today! Yay!!! Its been forever. My girl moved (military town) and I have struggled to find someone I like up here.

Then shopping. I am not a good shopper. I need a Christmas tree. We have always done white trees. However, so many of our Christmas traditions were just starting when he decided incest was fun. So, I'm shopping for a green one!

Hope y'all have a good day!

DaisyAnne posted 11/6/2019 07:22 AM

20 if my WH asked that it would echo off the walls of the empty room.

BBE welcome back. So glad to have you back here with us. Take care of you and yours. Be really careful, trust has not been earned and as we know Words are vapour.

I am behind in the goings on. So hugs to you all is my catch up 😊 and where is that wine!

I am just gonna "ditto" TG here. I feel so behind in this thread but wanted to give everyone a big hug who needs it (all of us!).

Also, anytime I feel like crying (which thankfully isn't much these past few weeks), I am going to just think of "dick tape".

Somber posted 11/6/2019 08:49 AM

So, my cheater sent me flowers yesterday

They donít give up do they. It makes it so difficult but you sound like a strong woman heading in a healthy direction...use that strength! The money would be better spent on therapy, that is so true. I get flowers and gifts too (no longer enjoy receiving gifts as they always seem to have an expectation attached). We still live together and are in limbo so itís intermittent kindness but what we all really need is healthy healing actions and behaviour not gifts. That will only come if they do the work to become a healthy partner.

As for the confusion between CoD vs trauma bonding...in my opinion, the confusion comes into play because when one is traumatized their behaviour can mimic that of CoD. What can be perceived as CoD traits can often be a reaction to abuse, when these traits are utilized out of fear of being abused further and to avoid more pain then is it CoD or trauma bonding. As in we bonding to our abuser and enjoying the calm no matter what it takes from us emotionally or mentally. When you live in a constant betrayal war zone and you receive intermittent kindness with chronic abuse (emotional abuse in my case) then you are responding to trauma and develop a subtype of PTSD.
Many are quick to label the BS as CoD because he/she stays, doesnít speak up, they are further labeled an enabler....this in my opinion often further abuses the BS by pushing blame on them for something they were unaware was happening. I certainly didnít know my husband was a SA, I slowly became aware of his alcoholism but the SA was well hidden. My WH is very skilled at living a double life, does so with ease and the amount of gaslighting thrown at me made me question my own reality. This is often a reaction to trauma. Abuse slowly eroded boundaries over time, gaslighting tricks you into believing its your fault and you donít see clearly until sometimes you are so far gone from who you once were you donít know how to get yourself back. I started with clear boundaries and spoke up for myself, my needs, etc but overtime I stopped. I certainly have traits in both (I accept that and am working through both) but mostly I feel hyper vigilance to try and feel safe, intrusive thoughts, inability to focus,, etc and that sounds more like betrayal PTSD.
I am navigating all of this for the first time so could be totally wrong...

[This message edited by Somber at 9:01 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 11/6/2019 09:02 AM

Along with Dick Tape, remember Soft Serve!

sickofsurviving posted 11/6/2019 09:07 AM

Somber, that is my take, too.

I have severe PTSD. Even before cheater said his cousin's name. You cant live my life and not.

Holy shit! That ripped the scar wide open. Things I had been working on for years. I am certain, to the SI psychologists, I was labeled as CoD. When the reality is I was hugely traumatized. My PTSD was off the charts. I was completely incapable of taking care of myself.

That caught me off guard in ways I cant explain. CoD? Are you kidding me? All I have ever had is me. I am, and always have been, fiercely independent. So when I spent 3 days on my bathroom floor, curled up in my own vomit, I knew I was in big, big trouble.

PTSD is a bitch! You can manage it. I have for years. But trauma really fucks it all up.

Being quick to label something CoD, can actually have a negative effect. It can stop someone from looking for, or getting the right help. I think it sends the wrong message to the newly betrayed. It piles on to the "it's all my fault" feeling.

I don't know. Just my take.

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