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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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cocoplus5nuts posted 9/18/2019 08:27 AM

When I found out he lied to me...the experience came right back to the flight response I originally had.

And, that is what we call a trigger. That is why I got so upset about the lying issue the other night even though my fch wasn't the one who lied. We talked a little about why I would react so strongly to that. He said he understood. I feel like I need to talk to him some more.

Anyway, yeah, that reaction is normal, especially in early days.

Our kids were 23, 10, 7, and 3 when dday1 hit. My oldest knows what happened because I ran to his house the night of dday2 when my fch finally confessed to sex. Idk if the 2nd child knows. I was not good at hiding my emotions at the time, so I'm sure he knows something happened, just maybe not exactly what. We had many blow ups while the kids were in the house. I'm sure the younger 2 have no idea.

My oldest still loves and respects my fch, even though he's stepdad, and my son's W cheated on him, got pregnant, and left him. He doesn't hold any anger toward my fch.

I think my 2nd child actually got angry at me. He saw my anger toward his father, but didn't know the reason. On the surface, it seemed to be all my fault. I get that. It was fine. Someday, maybe we'll talk about what really happened. Not now, though. He's only 15.

My stepmom told me about my mother cheating on my dad when I was around 14 or 15. It devastated me. She never should have told me. Soon after that is when I attempted suicide.

DaisyAnne posted 9/18/2019 08:30 AM

Thank you! That is exactly what i needed to hear.

heartbroken83 posted 9/18/2019 09:56 AM

Yes this does help a lot!

So glad I dropped into this group!

gmc94 posted 9/18/2019 12:27 PM

Note to self: MUST stop drinking beverages when strolling into the Betrayed Womenz thread, cuz when I read stuff like this:

I have actually apologized to my vagina for allowing that person near her.
I end up all too often doing this:

On a more serious note, I call that limbic system reboot the emotional hangover. It takes time to work through it. I try to remind myself to live in the present and not the past, but I still get them sometimes. I have to be really mindful and conscious both during the "good" moment and then when the hangover strikes. Detaching has helped me too - just think of him as some guy and not the man I married (bc the man I married was an illusion anyhow).

It pisses me off that cheaters don't understand all the FUCKING energy that we have to use to cope and survive our day-to-day lives after our trauma experiences. At first they often see it bc we are triggering and haven't learned to handle them. As we learn to heal/ cope/ recover, they don't SEE it anymore, but for me it still feels like constant WORK to maintain composure, to let myself even experience happiness, and to work through that hangover.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:28 PM, September 18th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

heartbroken83 posted 9/18/2019 12:35 PM

Seriously, they don't understand at all. I told my h the other night, maybe a week or so ago, "don't make me regret my decision to stay" and he told me a few days after that, that when I said that it must mean that I am already regretting it somehow. How he came to this determination is beyond me! I told him that its not that I am regretting my decision it's just that I am scared to death of my decision to stay and that he may hurt me again. I think he understood better after that. You literally have to explain every stupid little thing to them, it can be so exhausting.

Chaos posted 9/18/2019 12:36 PM

OK - if that woman was blonde and drinking coffee it could be an actual footage of me reading the Womenz thread.

It pisses me off that cheaters don't understand all the FUCKING energy that we have to use to cope and survive our day-to-day lives after our trauma experiences. At first they often see it bc we are triggering and haven't learned to handle them. As we learn to heal/ cope/ recover, they don't SEE it anymore, but for me it still feels like constant WORK to maintain composure, to let myself even experience happiness, and to work through that hangover.

FUCK YEAH! Standing. Slow. Clap.

EllieKMAS posted 9/18/2019 12:57 PM

HB - that reminds me of late July when my exdouchehole was mad cus I went through his phone and said to me "What are you hoping to find? It's like you are wanting me to do something bad." (and surprise surprise I found yet more evidence of him being an asshole) SMDH. I told him in a very snotty tone that wasn't it at all - I was just never EVER going to blindsided again like I was the first time around and that if he didn't like that he could go fuck himself.

Saying nothing about those of us trying to R.. but cheaters are completely ridiculous mind-blowingly dim-witted jackasses a lot of the time. I swear some of the dumb shit that comes dribbling out of their mouths would make a nun react violently!

I used to babysit these two little boys across the hall from me. Their mom told me one time about her youngest (who was 3-ish at the time) one day was havin a temper tantrum about something so she put him in time out. He was talking to himself about "pawents" and that "sometimes they special and sometimes they stupid". You do not know how many times I have said that about the douche deluxe this last year... True words from the mouth of a real toddler

TX1995 posted 9/18/2019 13:52 PM

Coco - I agree. He's a good kid. His dad lied to him too. After DDay 1, DS asked me if WH had cheated. WH then told him that he had hurt me and had an inappropriate friendship. Later that year they had the sex talk, where he told DS that I was his only partner. Come to find out a year later that Dad lied about both was pretty shitty. DS said "one day you think he's one thing, and the next day everything is different." That about sums it up! I wasn't mad at my kid about telling him to F off. I was pissed that my WH got mad at it TBH. I do expect respect but I *know* I've earned it. WH has a long road before anyone in this house gives it to him.

*as a side note, those of you who don't know my story, my kids did not "KNOW" after DDay1. My son (12 at the time) found my journal and saw that I had written about her. Then, we all thought it was an EA and kissing. The night of DDay 2 and the sex truth was revealed (2 years post DDay 1), I went ballistic. Yelling and throwing things and telling my WH to get the fuck out of our house for fucking another woman. My kids both heard and came in. Our now 14 year old had to get between us and then put his 11 yo sister back to bed after they were both crying by my side. (I was in such shock that I was almost catatonic.) It was not a good way for them to hear. If I had to do it over, I would not tell them. At least not until they were older if then. It's a grown up thing and a lot to put on kids who have enough stress just about to be going to middle school and high school.

Chaos - Those fucking donuts did the trick. Makes sense. Glad that mouse is dead!!

W2B - Thanks for the reminder. Our lizard brain sure does do a number on us after trauma.

GMC - A-Fucking-Men

It pisses me off that cheaters don't understand all the FUCKING energy that we have to use to cope and survive our day-to-day lives after our trauma experiences. At first they often see it bc we are triggering and haven't learned to handle them. As we learn to heal/ cope/ recover, they don't SEE it anymore, but for me it still feels like constant WORK to maintain composure, to let myself even experience happiness, and to work through that hangover.

Their work is to make themselves better than the shitty person they were. WE on the other hand have to clean up and digest the shit we were given. It fucking sucks EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY! I went to bible study this morning and teared up three times. Once bc we were talking about holiday traditions and I hate that the A has colored all of our holidays and traditions and memories. Next bc a person was giving an example of a tradition that her husband kept going for her after her mother passed (both friend and mom were very young) and that made me think how much he loved her to try to give his wife a piece of her mom after she was gone. Then I cried bc the video we watched started with talk about the author's two daughters' weddings, how beautiful they were and how they had found men who would protect their hearts. I came home to my WH and lost it. He wants me to be grateful and present that he's better today and all I can say is that I only have three months of data after two years of lies about fucking someone else - that ruined 22 years of my memories with him. Makes me want to hit him. I know he's being earnest (he cried with me). But for fuck's sake. You lied for two years about fucking another person TO MY FACE! Like I can trust anything you say or do now as genuine and loving.

He leaves for his intensive next week and while I'm nervous, I'm looking forward to seeing what my soul feels when he's gone. At peace? Missing something? I really don't know what I want and hope that helps.

Two podcasts for some things we've discussed:
CoDependency - The Betrayed, The Addicted, The Expert: Dealing with CoDependency. Talks about the CoD of both betrayed and betrayer. I thought there was some good nuggets in there.
Lying - Thanks for Sharing: The Truth about Lying. Interesting discussion about how much people lie and why we are bad at discerning when we are being lied to.

Happy Fucking Wednesday womenz!

[This message edited by TX1995 at 1:53 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 9/18/2019 14:49 PM

one day you think he's one thing, and the next day everything is different.
holy Fuck.... you got one smart kiddo there.

I'm curious about the intensive your WH will attend. We are starting to look into this.

Also interested in the podcast on lying. Omar Minwalla's interview on HCH goes into this theory of two things: the sexual acting out and the "integrity disorder" (aka the sex and the lying). It really resonated w/me bc I think my WH is far more interested in having his secrets than the sex - and the PA was just an extension of his already long standing "secret life". A week or so after I listened to that I saw an article about how we are hard wired to trust and to not expect lies, which was really interesting. They had statistics about lying, etc. I think I'll try and find that article again.

DaisyAnne posted 9/18/2019 17:13 PM

It pisses me off that cheaters don't understand all the FUCKING energy that we have to use to cope and survive our day-to-day lives after our trauma experiences. At first they often see it bc we are triggering and haven't learned to handle them. As we learn to heal/ cope/ recover, they don't SEE it anymore, but for me it still feels like constant WORK to maintain composure, to let myself even experience happiness, and to work through that hangover.

Yes!! 1,000% yes!!!

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/18/2019 21:31 PM

TX, I hope you don't think you did anything wrong because your son knows. Shit happens. I went ballistic many times in the 6 months between dday1 and dday2. I'm sure the only reason my kids don't know is because they were so young. If they had been old enough to understand, there's no way I would've been able to hide it from them.

I'm interested in the lying podcast, too. I just talked again to my fch about lying. I wanted to make sure he understood why I reacted so strongly and why no lie, no matter how small, is not ok.

Chaos posted 9/19/2019 06:23 AM

Argh me harties! Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

So I should really say Fucking Argh!

Tallgirl posted 9/19/2019 06:31 AM

TX - big hugs. The worst part of your kids knowing is their hurt and betrayal. As moms all we can do is love them and listen. 14 is too young to know, but it happens.

10 months after we told the kids (mine are 20/23) my youngest started to talk to his dad (absolutely not a word until then). Took about 6 months for my oldest.

I let their emotions run through their course and acknowledged that their emotions are ok - they too rollercoaster. When I see their pain, they are MY kids and mamabear comes out. THIS - this part of the betrayal is utterly unforgiveable to me.

I know the boys draw back from WH if I have a bad day or they see tears. I sometimes can't keep them away.

WH was upset at losing his family - he knows he earned it. I have never been sympathetic in this, really what could he expect? He betrayed / hurt his kids with his selfishness.

The parent/child relationship is forever changed, damaged for now, but maybe in time (may be years) it can reform into a different relationship for your son's sake, for your to come grand kids (I'm not that far away from that).

It takes time (lots), remorse, love, and caring.

I'm sorry this is so hard, sorry for all of us.

(Hugs)

One day, one hour, one minute at a time.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:32 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

heartbroken83 posted 9/19/2019 06:33 AM

I can't hide my emotions from my kids either. My 17 year old daughter found me hyperventilating. I'm sure she knows something just not sure what. I have talked to them all and told them something is going on but it is adult business and that if they feel worried or scared they can come to us an talk.

Sometimes I wish they did know what was going on, at least my oldest. I'm sure at some point when they are older it will come out if necessary.

Chaos posted 9/19/2019 06:35 AM

My daughter was the one who discovered the A when she was 14. Went through her dad's phone on a dare and BAM! There it was [at the time] 3 years worth of photos, messages, texts, sexts, etc. She had to be the one to tell me.

I'd give ANYTHING for my children not to know.

She knows nothing of subsequent DDays [although shes intuitive so she probably knows that there has been additional tension or details]

FWIW she has noticed a "difference in Dad" since he's been going to IC [started going intensively this spring].

DaisyAnne posted 9/19/2019 07:09 AM

Wow, Chaos! I canít even imagine how hard that was for her and you! Did he know that she was the one who told you? Itís crazy to me that he would continue to have DDays after knowing his daughter caught him. It is sickening how these fucking cheaters really donít think about anyone but themselves.

Iím glad sheís seeing a change in him now.

Chaos posted 9/19/2019 07:14 AM

Yes he knew. Yet still continued with that Donut Whore. Same wayward story - just tried to "ease out" without "anyone getting hurt". Just a peek, just a text, just to make sure she was OK and like they say yadda yadda yadda back to being donuts deep into things. BUT I never told OBS. Too busy keeping my head above water and my daughter's head above water. And since she was free she just helped WH become more and more sneaky. I mean why should their fun be ruined ya know?

I got my teen IC immediately. She'd already been working with one as a condition for accutane treatment and I got her an appointment within 48 hours.

Trust me - when I FINALLY told [on DDay3] that stopped things right in their tracks.

They never realize the pain their selfish behavior causes.

heartbroken83 posted 9/19/2019 07:26 AM

My story seems so meniscal to some of the stuff that you ladies have been through. You have been at it longer than I have and I am scared to death that dday 2 and 3 and 4 and so on is around the corner for me. How do I get the worry to go away. I try to seek God and he says, "worry about nothing instead pray about everything." I try so hard. But the truth that is staring me in the face is that very little of us only have 1 dday. I pray this is not true for me and my situation. I already told my H that I could not handle this again.

Sorry you all had to go through so much pain and that your daughter had to be the one to tell you. You see that stuff in movies but never in real life. It is so sad.
Have a great day everyone

DaisyAnne posted 9/19/2019 07:33 AM

Same wayward story - just tried to "ease out" without "anyone getting hurt". Just a peek, just a text, just to make sure she was OK and like they say yadda yadda yadda back to being donuts deep into things.

Oh yes. Sounds very familiar. Although no donuts as far as I know. I would like to say mine wouldnít have continued if he knew his children knew, but I also didnít think heíd ever cheat so what do I know.

Iím so glad you got her in IC right away. My oldest (15 ) is in IC for over 2 years now. We noticed she was depressed and would cry. She said didnít know why. So we got her into IC. I do think she realized we had trouble in our marriage 4 years ago but I thought our M was better until this May. I often wonder if she has said anything to her therapist.

crazyblindsided posted 9/19/2019 08:19 AM

My daughter was the one who discovered the A when she was 14.

They don't think of these things my daughter also saw texts on STBX's phone before I found out. She told me this after I discovered A#2 with MOW. I'll never understand it.

My son knows because daughter knows.

It's all just so disappointing. I never wanted my kids to experience a childhood like I had (my mom had 3 A's) and yet they got exactly that.

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