When she gets upset, drunk,or not, not engaging is one of the worst things you can do, if you really want to help her. A BS already feels minimized,ignored, discarded,unheard,etc. When you choose not to engage, as a remorseful spouse should , all you are doing is cementing those feelings in her mind, and in her heart.
A few things you said are,IMO, worrisome. You are 7 months out, and you claim the two of you are having a hard time moving forward. It's still extremely raw to your wife. At 7 months out, her shock is wearing off,and pain and anger are setting in. She is still trying to find solid ground. Talking about moving forward,already, is a sign that you don't understand the enormous amount of damage you have caused your wife.
She gets drunk, and tells you she hates you, wants to divorce you,and hates your family. I'm sure all of that is hard to hear. But all of those feelings are totally normal for a BS at this stage. She feels more able to express that pain when she is drinking. You say if she continues to do this, there will be bigger problems ahead. Bigger? Really? You have dropped a nuclear bomb on your wife. You have shot her, she is bleeding out, and you are saying if she continues to bleed all over the place, then this will get worse. Worse for who? You? Understand, right now, this is the worst possible thing your wife is dealing with. This. These feelings she has as a result of her husband choosing,for a time, a woman other than her. That pain is unbearable.
You put her on this emotional rollercoaster. Buckle up. Find your empathy. The more empathy you show her, the more love you give her, the less she will feel the need to reach for a shitty coping mechanism. If you believe she is becoming an alcoholic, speak to her mom, or her best friend, and ask them to help her. If it's just that she gets upset a few times a week, and cries and says some not nice things, then figure out a way to endure, and treat her with love.
And, right, you don't deserve to be verbally abused. However, your wife's pain and anger were completely predictable, and preventable. You chose to do it anyway. You chose to abuse her. You were ok with abuse, when you weren't on the receiving end. But now abuse, in the form of pain and anger(verbal) is not to be tolerated?
You're allowed to set your own boundaries. But,if you want reconciliation, you need to learn to sit with her, in the trenches. And,if you don't think you can, let her go now.
[This message edited by HellFire at 10:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]